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PaperclipPerfector  3d ago (text post)   1551 thread views

Wellness Wednesday for December 18, 2024

The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:

  • Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.

  • Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.

  • Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.

  • Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).

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I've been taking the stairs up to the 17th floor, and it's so much harder than I expected. I thought I'd be able to run up, like I normally do with stairs, but after 3-4 floors I just can't, and after 10 I can barely walk up. My heart rate gets up to like 170 and just stays there until I get to the top.

17/17, would power through it again.

I'm super curious about this. I've always wondered how I'd do in one of those racing up buildings competitions. I assume pretty poorly because I haven't practiced that motion much, but still, I'm really curious just how quick I'd wind up crashing out. The heart rate part seems like no big deal, I can tolerate a lot of cardiovascular suffering in races, but the thing you're describing where your legs just kind of die seems like the real concern.

I wanna try a VK. Not really a thing in my area, alas.

I did 70 flights or something a couple years ago at a charity event and it wasn't that bad. I think it took around 12 minutes, give or take. I took the advice of a friend and wore gloves to grab the railing with so my arms were doing some of the work,

I assume that, as a runner, you would knock it out no problem. I play sports semi-seriously but am otherwise untrained. My mile time would probably be around 7 minutes.

The worst part was that my throat was very sore from breathing hard.

To be clear, I'm not in particularly bad shape. I walk like to work and back 2 miles every day plus miscellaneous walking, I'm not obese, and I've been training 32 kg kettlebell swings, but this is a whole other level.

It's just different. If you keep doing it, you'll be flying to the top within a couple months at most.

If I did 32kg kettlebell swings I assume I'd be pretty wrecked.

Have you never played Final Fantasy 7? Of course stairways are rough.

25 years ago.

How does bruising work?

I started BJJ classes. I'm having a great time. But, I'm covered in bruises from rolling, and even from drilling sometimes. It's bad. Where they're on visible parts of my body, it looks a little much for public display. Where they're on private parts of my body, my wife winces when I take my clothes off.

I'm used to having scrapes and bumps from climbing, but my whole bicep being black and blue, or a giant blotch on each forearm, is too much. My coaches have commented on it ("Who are you fucking rolling with bro?") so it's not normal bjj stuff I guess. I should note that I'm pretty fair skinned, so it might just show up more on me.

Will I callus to bruising, in the same way my palms get callused to lifting and my feet to running? Is it some vitamin deficiency? I'm thinking of trying to get into the doctor to ask, but I'm a little wary of being pulled into some medicalized solution to a problem I don't really think I have.

You can't "adapt" in a harmless way to bruising, worst case would be something like cauliflower ear as seen in boxers, where repeated healing of large bruises/haematomas causes fibrosis. You end up being internally scarred, losing whatever tissue was there. I doubt you're getting bruised so badly and regularly it's a real risk, but it can happen.

Get your bloods checked, especially for clotting factors. If you're bruising far more than the norm, even adjusted for intensity and skin color, something's up.

Hemophilia. Sorry dude.

Can that manifest in your 30s? I always assumed that was a birth thing.

You should go tell your doctor what is happening. Could be you are just learning something about yourself for the first time, could be a sign of something mild, could be a sign of something serious. Best to figure it out.

If you'd like to subject yourself to hell you can look at some stuff on the cascade.

For your sanity don't.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coagulation

Maybe you have scurvy.

CW: gross

Treatments for hemorrhoids that don't cost a fortune?

Anusol. What a name. But yeah, that. Also increase your fiber to avoid recurrence.

If your hemorrhoids are caused by your diet, adjust your diet. Likewise do what you can to reduce straining. Fiber intake. Fluid intake. Exercise. A squatty potty (no really they work!).

Here's google AI's list of risk factors. Modify what you can. If it is caused by most of these (ex: excess straining), any treatment is going to not matter much because of the likelihood of recurrence.

Straining during bowel movements

Sitting on the toilet for long periods of time

Chronic constipation or diarrhea

A low-fiber diet

Weakening of the supporting tissues in the anus and rectum, which can happen with aging and pregnancy

Frequently lifting heavy objects

Being obese

Anal intercourse

Certain diseases, such as cirrhosis

Family history of hemorrhoids

The sitting on the toilet thing is real. I haven't had hemorrhoids, but breaking the habit of sitting there on my phone got rid of a precursor case of itchy-ass from inflamed veins. Also cutting out coffee -> no coffee shits -> happier asshole.

Shocked Google AI would say something negative about anal sex tbh. That's basically blasphemy.

Frequently lifting heavy objects

You're telling me that the gym did this to me?

Yes absolutely depending on what you are doing.

In America diet/obesity is the more likely cause, but if you are deadlifting like crazy or something else which fucks with your abdominal pressure yeah could easily happen.

Just use hydrocortisone cream and suppositories?

Thank you.

Math and Programming

I will be upping my math academy numbers from 2 hours to 3 daily and also aim for 1-3 hours for both boot.dev and HTML and CSS stuff. I have been having the same issues I have always had but no matter how badly I may fuck up, I would at least do math. I feel silly for not having done math more seriously in the past, maybe its the adhd meds (concerta), humility to take the long route or math academy, likely all three but I do like it. I am on their maths foundations course which is basic high school and uni level math (first year). I am on Math Foundations 2 of their 3 courses and will finish it by early Jan if I do bump my pace up to three hours. After that Math Foundations 2 should be done by February and by the end of March I will be through with Math for Machine Learning and can then do things like probability and stats, multivariable calculus, linear algebra, methods of proof and have a base of math for the rest of my life. I may start with hardcore ML once I know enough math, will see and will post so that you folks can suggest stuff.

It is all very convenient too, I don't need a book, just my laptop, the 50 dollar a month subscription and some rough sheets. My immediate circle has close to zero ML engineers and I am unemployed at 24 so I do want to get a job soon hence the webdev stuff (frontend plus boot.dev), I am somewhat confident that having a good understanding of math would help me since this was my undoing in uni. I did fuck up schedule-wise last week so my main priorities are still waking up early and getting to work as soon as I can.

There is some satisfaction in the math stuff, even boot.dev though I have not done much, I can see myself progressing in a very transparent real way, I never did before so yeah. 42 hours a week, sounds like a real job.

Miscellaneous

On the meditation and physical side, I did finally hit a day of multiple short sits (5 minutes) and a long one (24 minutes). My first time doing 24 minutes in a session. I have been rehabbing my shoulder somewhat more regularly, my lifts are still very weak in the gym but I have skipped just one day in three months. Lets see what working close to 7 hard hours for 6 days is like.

I picked up the great divorce by CS Lewis and want to post book reviews regularly, would it fine if I just posted them on the Friday thread or would it be better to make a substack and crosspost here, I do not want to fuck up the quality of the forum. Have a dentist appointment scheduled today, might get my remaining two wisdom teeth removed too

Some words on being grateful

My aunt is visiting our hometown and staying at our house with her former schoolmate, both came for a high school reunion event, and her friend told my mother about her daughter who had an onset of Dyslexia at age 15 and how that wrecked her life, cascading into very real psychological issues since then. She told her family that she is visiting my city because she had to give a lecture as saying that she was going there for a reunion to meet friends would hurt her daughter as she has no friends. Long-time viewers here would note that my brother is not far off from her daughter but he seems beyond normal when compared to people with actual issues. Having your child go through such pain would wreck me if I were a parent. We take life for granted, having kids who are healthy, normal and well-adjusted sounds trivial until you encounter these issues in life. I have always had a soft spot for people with actual mental illnesses, they are outcasted from society and their parents get zero support from society. In case you are a parent and your kids came out fine, please do thank your god.

I visit my psychiatrist once a month, seeing people with severe autism and other ailments causes emotional turmoil. My parents have some sense of pride in me having gone from a complete trainwreck outcaste of an academic failure at age 17 to having done really well to the point where I was featured in local papers by 19. In ways they sincerely believe that I can do enough to make their sacrifices worth it, give them a better life, and have a far better youth than they did. It would be so crushing to not have that and instead be worried sick about what would happen to your kid if you passed away and lost your job.

There is a lot to be grateful for in life, not in some fake religious or self-help gratitude journaling sense. One of the last great saints in Hinduism who I disagree with on almost everything began his work by telling the reader how rare being a human is, of all life forms, you get to be the only one with a consciousness that is capable of experiencing divinity in a real sense. I am very fortunate, despite all the bad things I have done, god is kind, kinder to me than I would be.

Gentlemen (and ladies), it is with great pleasure to inform you that it is Wellness Wednesday, and with mild displeasure to inform you that I am once again asking for your dating/romance advice.

I previously asked for suggestions on how to deal with being banned from Hinge. Quick recap of my situation:

  • Early 30s American male of South Asian descent, living in the NYC area
  • Looks are not great, not terrible (3.6 roentgen exactly average height for an American male, somewhat nebbish-looking due to glasses)
  • Elite undergrad and grad degrees
  • Making very good money (low 7 figures) in finance
  • Interested in mid-late 20s Anglophones of East Asian descent, of similar class and educational background

Since my previous post, I have started going to the gym 3 times a week. I can already see some improvements in my physique. On the social side, I've started reconnecting with friends more, going to more parties, karaoke nights, etc. and I've become a "regular" at a couple of good date spots. I've been off dating apps the whole time. In the past 6 months, I met 2 prospects IRL and got 1-2 dates with each, but was rejected both times thereafter.

Honestly, I want to try meeting folks IRL for a little while longer. I've forgotten how interesting "day game" can be, since I've been using dating apps for so many years. If nothing materializes by March or so, I might go back to using apps.

To that end, there are 4 things I'm curious about:

Location, Location, Location

I lived in Manhattan for 5-10 years but moved out of the city for tax reasons around the time of the pandemic. It's still a convenient 20 minute commute to get to Lower Manhattan, but perhaps I'd be more attractive to women, or have more opportunities to meet them, if I actually lived in (a desirable neighborhood of) Manhattan.

I really don't have a great sense of how important this is; as I said, I left Manhattan around the pandemic, so it's not clear whether my relative lack of success in meeting women IRL is due to leaving the city, pandemic-era cultural shifts, becoming less attractive, or something else entirely.

Clubs

I know nothing about the nightclub scene in NYC and to be honest I don't really see the appeal of being surrounded by strangers in a dark, sweaty room where it's too loud to even have a decent conversation. But there is one aspect of clubbing that, in theory, intrigues me: a literal market where dollars can be exchanged for status and sex. To what extent is that a thing?

My career is going well enough that I would definitely be willing to spend ~$50,000 in a single night if it would guarantee me sex and/or a 50+% shot at a long-term relationship with an attractive woman who is my type (see above). My gut sense is that it can't just be as simple as spending a ton of money at a club, at least not with my average-to-below average looks. I am also aware that the kind of women who would make a good long-term partners are, shall we say, unlikely to be hanging around clubs and putting out for anyone who spends enough dough; however, I would be fine settling for hookups/casual sex with good-looking women whom I encounter in such situations while I search for a higher-quality partner elsewhere.

How much benefit in terms of sex, dates, and relationships can be purchased in the NYC club scene? And operationally, how does this work; do you just book a table/bottle service and then the employees bring girls to your table? I am totally clueless here.

Drugs and Augmentation

I cannot in good conscience write a post in a rat-adjacent community without throwing a bone to the transhumanist crowd:

  1. Testosterone/anabolic steroids. I don't believe I have a testosterone deficiency or anything, but T or steroids could give a boost to my physique, height (slightly), and confidence. Has anyone completely turned their dating life around using these? Curious to hear about your experiences.

  2. Laser eye surgery. As mentioned above, I wear glasses. Probably this detracts from my attractiveness somewhat, though it's hard to tell how much (FWIW, multiple women have told me [during glasses-off pillow talk] that I have beautiful eyes and eyelashes). There's also the benefit of having better vision than I currently do, and without the mild inconvenience of carrying glasses everywhere to boot.

  3. Limb-lengthening surgery. Could make me a couple inches taller, but I'd still be under 6'. Worse, I think my friends and family would find it really weird if I did this. Honestly I am just including this one for the sake of completeness; there is very little chance that I'd actually go through with it, unless someone can convince me that the results are so life-changingly good that the expense, loss of QoL during the long recovery period, risk of complications, and mild social stigma are all worth it.

Matchmakers/Outsourcing

I am aware that soliciting a matchmaker rather contravenes my stated preference to swear off dating apps for a little while longer. Nonetheless, I am fascinated by the ads I sometimes see for so-called "elite" matchmaking services. They always set off my bullshit detector, but I suppose there is a chance that they really do work as advertised. Do quality women actually use these services? What's their success rate like?

In all honesty, though, more than a matchmaker, I would be perfectly happy to pay for a service that constructs profiles for me on all the major dating apps, takes my preferences into account, and then goes through the long grind of swiping for me so that I don't have to. Literally just an API where my photos go in, and matches with attractive women come out. How is this not a startup yet? Call it "Cyrano", slap a cool logo on it, and you'll be rolling in VC cash.

For both 1 and 3 of your augmentation question, you will get excellent returns far quicker by working on your posture and flexibility. Do yoga/pilates, buy a massage gun and use it regularly (particularly on shoulders and hips). You can expect to gain at least an inch of effective height and much broader shoulders, and it will probably do more for your confidence than either.

I also notice you didn't mention fashion and dress. Particularly in the NYC area, and if you're making good money, this will take you a long way. Follow some tasteful instagram accounts or lurk styleforum to ensure you aren't unintentionally making yourself look ridiculous, though.

And operationally, how does this work; do you just book a table/bottle service and then the employees bring girls to your table? I am totally clueless here.

Doesn't work that way, at least not at any American club I've ever been in (admittedly I've never been in any super expensive/exclusive clubs, but I think those are still the same). You sit at your table, they give you a bottle of ridiculously overpriced liquor, maybe some bad snacks, and nothing else. You still have to get up and go to the dance floor to meet people. I guess the idea is that if you do meet someone, the table gives you a place to go and chat, and maybe impress her a little bit with your money, but mostly it's just a waste of money. I feel like the clubs really use it to take advantage of guys like you.

Now, the system you describe does exist in South Korea. The "booking club", where you go with your male friends, pay for a room, and the staff will bring in girls from the dance floor to come sit and talk with you. I thought that was a way better system, but sadly seems to be dying out. Not sure if there's still any existing in Koreatown, and if there are it might only be for Korean people. If you ever do find a club like that in the US, please let me know!

edit- and like other people said, +1 for lasik/PRK. It was a huge gamechanger for me, not just in looks, but also it made it way easier for me to do cool active hobbies like swimming or diving. That said, it's not a magic bullet that will solve all your dating problems. Also, expect at least 2 days of searing pain.

I feel like the clubs really use it to take advantage of guys like you.

Yeah that was my guess as well. I suppose there’s no way to insta-convert money into dating/sexual success, short of soliciting sex workers and/or sugar daddy-ing (but I repeat myself)

You could still try it one just to see how you like it. I think money just removes sone of the risks and potential pitfalls, like women turning you down for having bad clothes.

sex workers and/or sugar daddy-ing

As someone who's tried both, i think there is a meaningful difference. Sex workers are just sex, and wilder. Sugar babies are more normal and more like a real girlfriend experience.

I would definitely be willing to spend ~$50,000 in a single night if it would guarantee me sex

Holy shit. Jesus. Did you type three too many zeros? What the fuck. Is it that hard to get laid in the US now? Buy a ticket, come to Japan, I'll get you laid in one night out in Osaka for a fraction of that cost. Hell, maybe even a long-term partner.

Out of curiousity, how would you do that? When I visited Osaka, it seemed completely overrun with western tourists, many of them young men looking for a one night stand. Lots of places were absolute sausage fests, and the local women seemed to have perfected the art of completely ignoring foreign men. I was able to interact by showing them I could speak basic Japanese, but then quickly hit my language limit, and it seemed like they were looking for a long-term relationship with someone that actually lived there. Dance clubs were just as terrible as anywhere else.

I haven't been to a club in about two decades. Women do ignore, or feign ignoring, but that's not necessarily real ignoring. A guy who dresses well, is reasonably fit, and doesn't have particularly odd mannerisms or something weird that would put someone off can talk to almost anyone. Of course some degree of Japanese proficiency helps, but it isn't essential (though this obviously will depend on the woman.) The first women I spent any time with here spoke next to no English and we communicated by passing across the table one of those electronic dictionaries (now replaced by phones.)

How would I do it, well I once went to a bar and saw two tables: One full of young guys sitting chatting with each other, the other full of young attractive women doing the same. Unwilling to let this stand, I walked over, first introduced myself to the women, started chatting, got some of their names, then turned, without walking anywhere, and talked to the guys, got their names, and then did the obvious and introduced the two tables. Before I was done with my evening they had all bounced as a group elsewhere. Sometimes all anyone needs is an introduction, and I'm not bad at facilitating that kind of thing. Although it helps if you yourself are a fun person, or at least not paralyzed by social interaction (though even that needn't be a dealbreaker). And of course it helps if you are at a place that is essentially a meat market, and it's past last train.

I don't know OP's age, obviously, and I imagine I am probably twice that. It doesn't matter that much. There is an age between graduating university and beginning a job when Japanese women are looking to asobu (play, hang out, party) and not necessarily searching for soulmates or marriage partners--due to the uncertainty of their career trajectories meeting Mr. Very Possibly would be an unwelcome complication. They want to be wild a bit before joining society. At this time such women are open to much, in particular if they live in Osaka but are about to go work in Tokyo or somewhere else far afield. (This is just my experience. I have been out of the game for some time as an active player.)

When were you in Osaka? I agree that since the end of the COVID era, coupled with the weak yen, some places (Namba, in particular) are, as you say, overrun by foreign tourists (many Chinese and Koreans, but bars usually by westerners). Some bars more than most, of course. I do go to Namba from time to time but only with locals.

Shinsaibashi is largely the same, depending on how deep you go down the side streets. Generally Umeda contains more Japanese in the 20-30 something realm than foreigners, and there are bars there that I used to frequent. I think maybe as a married man there is the possibility that I have gained a certain confidence that I did not have when there seemed to be more at stake, and thus I do not have the paralyzing nervousness that many single men have.

I am not a pimp even in the metaphorical sense but I don't think a guy with tens of thousands in pocket money would have any trouble getting laid, and not just by a call-girl but by a normal(ish) woman. I could be wrong.

I will say that unless we're talking SkookumTree levels of self-loathing (and, if his self-descriptions are to believed, unattractiveness) there shouldn't be any great problem.

Is this too vague? Probably. I don't actually have a plan mapped out; I just sense this is not a great conundrum.

I once went to a bar and saw two tables: One full of young guys sitting chatting with each other, the other full of young attractive women doing the same. Unwilling to let this stand, I walked over, first introduced myself to the women, started chatting, got some of their names, then turned, without walking anywhere, and talked to the guys, got their names, and then did the obvious and introduced the two tables.

Thank you for being a positive externality to the world. If only more people were like you.

Yeah... I don't want to argue with you, since it seems like you've lived there a long time while I was only there a few months. But I was just recently there, and went to all the places you mentioned. Lots of great places to go drinking with the bros, but very few places were any good for meeting women. They seemed to be well aware of what a hot commodity they were, as any young woman could sit in a touristy bar and get swarmed with attention, or open up a dating app and get hundreds of likes, or walk down the street and get hit on/scouted for the adult industry. A lot of the local guys, also, seemed quite handsome and smooth, so there's a high level of competition. If you "open up a conversation" between groups like you described, then you better be fluent enough to keep up with their conversation, which is quite hard when they're drinking and joking around. Unless it's a bar/event specifically targeted at foreigners, but then those were all 90%+ men.

I feel like I heard a lot of stories from guys like you who went there in the 90s and 2000s and had an easy time dating back then. But it's not like that anymore... their aging population has a lot fewer young women, while their culture cachet has increased and America's has decreased so noone is going to be impressed by a random foreigner guy showing up and fumbling with a dictionary or a translation app. I'm sure it's still possible to meet people, either to hook up or start a long-term relationship, but it's not at all an easy game. And this is despite me being frequently complimented on both my appearance and personality.

I don't necessarily say it's easy. It requires a bit of effort, even good fortune, as well as timing, and yes, game. My incredulity is mainly directed at the "I'm willing to spend $50,000 in an evening." That blows my mind. And I suspect if this weren't hyperbole and he did spend, say, a tenth of that much, and did meet a woman and did have sex, he'd regret having gone to such financial lengths.

To put it another way: There's no reason it has to be that hard. (Pun accidental but I'm leaving it )

well yeah I agree that spending $50,000 in an evening is insane. I don't even think it would help. Like, unless you want to meet a working girl, a normal woman would also think spending that much on club service is insane.

lol I didn’t mean sex with anyone, I meant sex with a woman who’s my type. If I can get to sex, converting to an LTR shouldn’t be too hard, in my experience.

I’ve actually had decent success dating “my type”: I’ve had 4 long-term (6 months+) partners and roughly 20 short-term partners, nearly all of whom were intelligent, well-educated native English speakers of East Asian descent. But now I’m off Hinge, IRL dating seems to have largely gone the way of the dodo, and frankly I just want to outsource this whole damn process and not have to worry about it. Hence the price I quoted.

(Also, I wouldn’t be willing to pay this much every single night; maybe a couple of times a year, depending on the experience)

/r/SwipeHelper is great for teaching you how to get around bans, you should also immediately add every women you've gone out with/exchanged numbers with in the last few years to your block list once you get unbanned ofc

I have other advice but I have to ask if you're willing to relocate somewhere with a market more favorable to you. I also think the Asian fetish is something you should get over. One way it holds you back is that the major cities with lots of Asian women in America also have the worst sex ratios for men.

/r/SwipeHelper is great for teaching you how to get around bans, you should also immediately add every women you've gone out with/exchanged numbers with in the last few years to your block list once you get unbanned ofc

What's the motivation behind doing so?

Chances are he's already made an attempt with them so if any were left with a bad impression and/or are just mentally unstable they might report him. If they're on good terms he doesn't need Hinge to reach out to them.

Relocation in maybe 2-3 years time is an option, so what’s your other advice?

Also, doesn’t NYC famously have a very favorable sex ratio for men, as well as plenty of Asian women?

Yes but NYC seems to be a different meta entirely, very different sorts of women congregate there and you're competing with world-class elites.

I would look into blue cities in red states, many have surprisingly good demographics for you minus the Asian fetish.

Once you are getting matches on a dating app consistently and are in a better city, I can explain the basic strategy to get laid on first/second dates. After that it's just a matter of converting one to a long-term relationship which is the easiest step. I'm not amazing at this but your success rate doesn't have to be that high for you to be rarely single and have minimal dry spells. YMMV if you're much lower SMV than me. Chances are if you're new to regular online dating you're making mistakes that someone with experience can help you avoid but it takes time to understand and fix them. You are much more financially successful but lookswise unclear. We're both South Asian and are pretty much in the "want an LTR but are fine with hookups along the way" bucket. Definitely don't shave the beard, on balance 3mm stubble will help you with women across the board even if it turns off some with peculiar preferences.

One thing that will help you going forward is taking vacations now. In the next three years no reason you can't spend a week each in, say, Barcelona, Rome, Paris, Tokyo, and two other major global cities. It gives you much more to talk about on a first date and women are much more enamored with travel than men.

South Asian? Does your extended family not partake of the Aunty Network that attempts to pair everyone up? It's worth a shot. All else failing, on a matchmaking site you'd be a magnet for women in the homeland looking for a green card and happy with an arranged marriage, though you might not be looking for one of those.

Before you go for anything as drastic as limb lengthening, which is frankly nightmarish, you could always go for other, less painful, forms of plastic surgery. You seem to be able to afford it!

I’m…if not estranged from my family, definitely not close enough that I would trust them to find me a life partner. In any case, they wouldn’t know any women who are my type (see parent comment)

Re: plastic surgery, I’ll start with LASIK/PRK and see how much that improves things. If it goes really well, I’ll consider further measures.

TLDR: Find hobbies where you can leverage money, insinuate yourself into spaces where you can meet women, lose the Asian fetish.

Hinge did you a favor. Swipe apps are built for college kids, focused on looks and maybe some basic one-sentence level of compatibility. Your best traits, filthy lucre and the skills that obtaining it represent, aren't actually that visible on a swipe app, at least not with any credibility.

Let's be realistic. Your income is more attractive than your body, and you evince a willingness to trade money for romantic or sexual opportunity. So how does one leverage the quid for the quo outside of actual sex workers?

It's time for you to buy yourself some hobbies. At a seven figure income, and hopefully decent savings if you've been making that money while being a single male living in Jersey, you have significant leverage to walk into something and be interesting to others right away. If you wanted to get into SCCA Spec Miata, for example, it would be easy for you to afford. You're not far from the ocean, buy a boat, because of the implications. If you wanted to get into a fitness hobby rock climbing, lifting, or boxing, or BJJ like so many tech execs you'd have the option of hiring private trainers rather than trying to make public classes, which will enhance your progress and your relationship to the staff at the gym. The world is full of jealous bitches who will resent your money and how you use it, but as long as you are competent it is just sour grapes.

Becoming a regular at good date spots is good. But the goal is to get to the level where you have a positive friendly relationship with the staff and other regulars there. The best thing that you can have is taking a woman somewhere and everyone says hey man how's it going good to see you. Be a capital-P Patron. You're in the NYC area, you can tip extravagantly well at dive bars and off-broadway theater spaces and start insinuating yourself into circles where your money will be valued.

Alternatively, seek out hobbies where you will meet eligible young women. I highly recommend auditing graduate classes at local schools, lord knows you have them around you, it'll make you interesting and insinuate you into those age ranges. Will people think you're weird/creepy/old? Yes. But you are rich, and people will value you paying for things more than they will resent you for those other things. Or at least one girl hopefully will fall for your bit.

Also, lose the Asian fetish, or at least make sure it isn't obvious. It's not cute or attractive to women, especially since you specified anglophone so you're only looking at ABCs I guess. Some Asian women have a giant stick up their ass about it from a woke perspective, but the bigger problem is that it makes you look weak. Guys with Asian fetishes value that they are feminine and submissive, this indicates to women that these men perceive themselves as insufficiently masculine, and target women who will be submissive even though these men are wimps. None of this may be true of you, but it's a rap that's hard to shake. Bang some white and hispanic chicks in between, for variety.

Guys with Asian fetishes value that they are feminine and submissive

That's like saying that people who like red heads value their fiery personalities, or people who like black women value their sassy attitudes - it's projecting lazy stereotypes into other people's minds and then labelling it as a fetish akin to their being fixated on feet or uniforms. Where Asian women do display submissiveness (I'd class it more as passiveness) it's their least attractive aspect. Cool, a woman who's too timid to exhibit an independent personality, feel the sparks fly! It probably sounds shallow and lizard-brained but I just think they're pretty and I prefer brunettes. What's wrong with being attracted to femininity?

When I think of wimpy men I think of them being saddled with domineering women who push them around, like that character in The Big Bang Theory with the gf who sounds like a fog horn.

I agree with not saying it out loud though. Not because it makes you look weak, but because it makes you look like you value someone primarily for aesthetic considerations that they had no choice or influence over. Which is partially true, and why you shouldn't say so, because the part (liking them because they're Asian and you think Asians are pretty, or whatever) is taken for the whole (liking them only because they're Asian or whatever and being completely indifferent to who they are as an individual, which probably does count as if not a weakness then a kind of failing of maturity).

That's like saying that people who like red heads value their fiery personalities, or people who like black women value their sassy attitudes - it's projecting lazy stereotypes into other people's minds

Guess what, princess? People are going to judge you based on stereotypes of those like you. If you say you went to Harvard, people are going to think you're an arrogant prick. While if you say you went to an Ivy League school, we'll know you're an arrogant prick and that you went to Cornell or Brown and have a chip on your shoulder over never getting off the Princeton waitlist. If you own a Dodge or a Nissan people will think you have a bad credit score. If you're fat people will think you're lazy.

And if you exclusively lust after East Asian girls, you're going to have trouble dodging the weeb allegations, the stereotype you're going to get tossed in with is the anime dorks.

It doesn't matter if it's unfair, it's how the world works.

Alternatively, seek out hobbies where you will meet eligible young women. I highly recommend auditing graduate classes at local schools, lord knows you have them around you, it'll make you interesting and insinuate you into those age ranges. Will people think you're weird/creepy/old? Yes. But you are rich, and people will value you paying for things more than they will resent you for those other things. Or at least one girl hopefully will fall for your bit.

Fantastic idea. I had the best dating success of my life while I was in graduate school in NYC

Grad school is the best moment. Combining the maturity of having some real accomplishments, with the mystery box potential to maybe do anything afterward. Libs can convince themselves that you'll do something Good with your degree, materialistic sluts can convince themselves you'll make tons of money, both can talk themselves into sleeping with you.

very good advice. I would amplify the the part about being a Patron.

In NYC, art and improv comedy are scenes that might be a good fit for OP - many opportunities to build a network of relationships, to improve social skills, to get to know a wide variety of people, and to strategically deploy cash in many ways that will be fun for the Patron and for everyone else involved.

Honestly, if you meet the pre-requisites, get the eye surgery regardless. It'll probably be a QoL improvement across the board.

Can second this. Well executed laser eye surgery can give you better eyesight than any glasses ever could.

Second.

Interested in mid-late 20s Anglophones of East Asian descent, of similar class and educational background

You've got to hunt where the ducks are. Clubs are a bad bet, it's just the wrong crew. Most of the women there won't match your profile and the few that do will be in a defensive mode.

You should probably start attending charity galas. I'm not sure what the right ones are, but there should be a lot to choose from in NYC. There should be some charity events particularly popular with wealthy East Asians but I have no idea what those would be. Don't be too on the prowl at these events, it's more about integrating yourself into the upperclass community.

Given that it's winter try taking up skiing. Buy boots, rent the skis and poles at the hill. Spend some weekends at the ski resort.

Great ideas; I just went skiing with a group of friends last weekend in fact!

I'll look up some charity galas or similar events, perhaps relating to the Asian arts scene in the NYC area.

Like I get these ads for mahjong clubs targeted for young people in NYC - you could sponsor a mahjong night stuff or something like that.

I hope you don't mind my asking - how did you get banned from Hinge?

Also, are contact lenses an option, rather than Lasik?

Don't mind at all! I explained the ban in my previous comment here

Sadly contacts are not an option; I am constitutionally incapable of touching the surface of my own eye, though I weirdly don't have a problem with the eye pressure detector thing at the ophthalmologists, so I assume surgery would be equally doable for me.

  1. Lasik is great, independently of the rest of it. I did PRK despite qualifying for Lasik, because it's better and how bad could the pain be for a week or two? Excruciating, as it turns out, but worth it to not have a flap in my eye

  2. How'd you get banned from Hinge?

  3. Could you literally hire someone to be your full time dating assistant/coach/fashion coordinator?

  4. My career is going well enough that I would definitely be willing to spend ~$50,000 in a single night if it would guarantee me sex

Well that one's definitely doable. In all seriousness, maybe a sugar baby? In addition to achieving the proximal goal, it could help you build confidence.

  1. If you don't have a trainer, get one. Ideally get one who doubles as good practice interacting with women, if a lack thereof is part of your problem.

  2. If your company is hiring remote employees, uh, DM me (faanger)

  1. Sounds like some form of surgery (LASIK or PRK) is universally acknowledged as being a (nearly) free lunch 'round these parts; will definitely get on that next year
  2. Explained here
  3. Re: dating assistant/coach/fashionista, I'm absolutely willing to hire a full-time staff member to handle this stuff, provided they can prove they would be positive expected utility for me. Any recommendations along those lines?
  4. Are explicit sugar baby websites/apps even legal? I imagine these would run afoul of anti-prostitution laws but IANAL (which reminds me, I'm actually extraordinarily vanilla in bed-I do not, in fact, enjoy anal)
  5. Absolutely willing to shell out for a trainer but I'd need some track record of success/reason to believe it would be positive EV for me; again, do you have any recommendations?
  6. Sorry, not hiring remote employees at the moment

[Numbers spelled out because Markdown is hard and my multi-paragraph numbers mean the next number restarts it. Send help.]

One. It's pretty great, but does have downsides. Dry eyes, worse best-corrected-possible acuity, earlier nearsightedness with age.

Two. Wow that sucks. I'd be genuinely very sad if Hinge banned me (not that it's stopped me from thinking I'll work on my AI more when the ADHD monkey in my brain decides it's time for that again). I think trying to circumvent, or just contacting them, is worth considering.

Check out Jswipe (Jewish Tinder) or Lox Club (Jewish the League). There are probably also other ethnic apps, but those are the one's I've tried. Not a lot of tall people in any of the above, so that helps, and it's a pool that probably likes smarts and money more than tinder.

Three. If they can't produce results in 3 months, 6 if you're feeling generous, fire them. Let's say you paid them for two half days per week, at $100/hr. That's 10k/3 months, which is not much if I understand your preference model at all. Even if it takes trying four people before someone does anything useful, you're out 40k, and I struggle to imagine you can't find someone useful given that much effort. I imagine you're somewhat blocked psychologically on doing whatever you should do maximize your dating game, but when you make it someone's job, they don't have that guilt/etc, and you've selected them for being at least maybe good at it, so results really are plausible.

Raising the question: how do you find this person? The internet. I've hired a dozen housekeepers over as many years by just posting on craigslist. Sure, you get mostly weirdos, but there are great people out there if you're willing to do some phone screening. Stuff your pride down, write a post about what you want help with, and refresh that inbox. You could almost just use your original motte post.

Four. Nope, not legal. Easily twice as not legal as torrent sites, maybe twice and a half. Seeking Arrangement is the famous one. I don't know much about this, but poke around reddit to see people's experiences.

Five. If you're dedicated enough to lifting that you're doing it reliably/hard enough (e.g. Stronglifts 5x5 worth of effort/three days x 1-1.5 hours/week, with progressive overload) and seeing your numbers go up, trainer can probably be skipped at least until you're past noob gains. If you get to benching your body weight, you're solidly into "you may hurt yourself and/or stop progressing" territory without a trainer, unless you have great proprioception and hit youtube/etc pretty hard.

How do you find this person? So many trainers on the internet. See #3, but easier and less awkward. Any gym has trainers. Unless you are very advanced or have a medical problem, a mediocre trainer is going to be drastically better than no trainer. Try a few until you like someone.

Send help.

Type (3) or 3\. rather than 3..

Absolutely willing to shell out for a trainer but I'd need some track record of success/reason to believe it would be positive EV for me; again, do you have any recommendations?

The trainer should ask you what your goals are and come up with a training and nutrition plan. If your goal is putting on more muscle the first plan should be 99% straightforward exercises and the second plan should not really include supplements beyond vitamins, extra protein and some creatin. If the trainer isn't willing to drop bullshit exercises or supplements, find a different one. If the trainer isn't willing to constructively listen to your feedback ("upright rows make my shoulder hurt" - "fine, let's stick to shoulder flies"), find a different one. His goal is not to share secret knowledge with you. It's to watch and correct your form, track your progress and challenge you every session.

Ohh, it just occurred to me that “trainer” was referring to “physical trainer”; I understood it to mean “dating/social interaction trainer”.

Yes, I already have a personal trainer who has, in the past 6 months, helped me put on a decent amount of muscle, reduce body fat percentage, improve my posture, and appear to have somewhat less belly fat (not that I had a whole lot to begin with; I’ve always been at a normal BMI, 22-24 depending on how much I’m working out and whether I’m keto-ing. Sadly, if I didn’t have any discipline about my diet and exercise habits, my body type would be the typical South Asian male skinnyfat. Even at the same BMI, I struggle with more belly fat than my white and, especially, East Asian male friends)

Definitely agreed that gimmicky exercises, supplements, etc. are to be avoided at all costs. I specifically chose this trainer because of his zero-bullshit, laser focus on the basics: a lightly modified version of the Greyskull LP, 1g protein per lb. of lean body weight, creatine, and sufficient rest.

Kinda curious, if you know that

a lightly modified version of the Greyskull LP, 1g protein per lb. of lean body weight, creatine, and sufficient rest

is what you want, why bother with a personal trainer?

Accountability, plus critiquing my form/suggesting ways to get past a stubborn plateau. I’ve always had terrible “body sense” so it’s hard for me to tell by myself if I’m, say, not bringing all my leg muscles to bear during squats because my stance is slightly off.

Now that I’ve got the basics and the routine down, I see my trainer once a month at most.

Am doctor but not eye doctor. Not a fan of LASIK especially in your age range. Carefully research the risks first, you won't get a good objective assessment from an ophthalmologist because if at all possible they'll recommend the procedure (because surgeons want to cut).

Does your ban extend to Coffee Meets Bagel? It's very popular in the Northeast and Asians are over represented. Recommend Asian adjacent real life activities if that's your mojo. Ex: EDC (or whatever local concerts there are).

Find a place to meet residents (physicians), easy way to pick up intelligent professional women.

Don't know how to find a dating coach but do recommend that.

I think Raya has gone out of fashion now but you might be able to find its replacement or try signing up for its corpse.

With your salary a good personal trainer is super affordable and is good for your overall health and mood and also for making you more superficially attractive.

If you have good insight- figure out why you aren't successful. If you are moderately attractive you should be drowning in women at that wealth level. Are you fatter than you want to admit? Fashion style not making it obvious you are bringing in money? No rizz?

Figure out what it is and then you can address. This ties back to matchmaking - if the issue is your profile was shit they'll fix it. Don't want to pay someone? Run it by women in your life if you don't want to pay. (assuming you can get on CMB)

I’m not banned from CMB and fully intend to use it if/when I get back to dating apps.

I’ve used CMB in the past, and in fact met my first serious girlfriend on it back in the mid-2010s, but was having significantly greater success with Hinge prior to the ban.

In my experience, CMB is more popular among fobs (of whom there are lots, especially Chinese and Indians) but I’m more interested in women who were born and raised in the West, or at least moved here at a young-ish age (high school, perhaps college at the latest)

If you have good insight- figure out why you aren't successful. If you are moderately attractive you should be drowning in women at that wealth level. Are you fatter than you want to admit? Fashion style not making it obvious you are bringing in money? No rizz?

Not fat, but not especially good looking either. Like I said, pretty average bespectacled brown dude.

I don’t have that many opportunities to meet single women IRL: my hobbies and social circles are pretty male-dominated and the attractive women in them are already taken; plus work keeps me pretty busy.

I don’t have flashy, expensive tastes, nor does my fashion sense immediately indicate that I have lots of money, although I definitely don’t dress like a slob.

I do think my day game/night game “rizz” has taken a hit over the past few years, as dating has increasingly moved online; it’s honestly quite rare now to find a girl by herself, without AirPods, in a public place where it would be appropriate to cold-approach. But my rizz is definitely not terrible: I really was having decent success on Hinge (multiple dates per week, getting to sex with a new girl about once every 1-2 months) before I got banned. And that was before I started lifting!

In short, my lack of success is due to being banned from Hinge (the best dating app I have ever used), plus online dating having largely taken over all of dating, to the exclusion of meeting women IRL through activities or mutual friends. This, I think, is especially true when it comes to women who are my type (well-educated Asian-Americans), as they tend not to just hang out in bars or whatever waiting for guys to approach them; if they’re in the dating scene at all, it’s through apps.

In short, my lack of success is due to being banned from Hinge (the best dating app I have ever used)

I'm going to write taking the rest of what you said at face value (by which I mean that you are a very well educated, successful and therefore likely hardworking and intelligent individual).

The above quote is a loser attitude. I don't mean you are a loser, far from it. You are demoralized because you aren't getting lucky and luck is required because that's what you need with the way you aren't embracing every opportunity.

If someone was trying to break into your field (7 figs in early thirties???) would you tell them to just passively apply to jobs or take low end jobs and not excel? Fuck no.

You gotta hustle. And we have reason to believe you can hustle in other domains in your life - you gotta apply those lessons here. Dating is going to involve a lot of discomfort, it's easy to justify avoiding discomfort but that is what it is and what you gotta overcome. Some of the other posters here complaining about dating have bigger concerns - but you, your fundamentals are extremely "attractive" and you are living in a place with a shit ton of women meeting your needs.

That means you are probably doing something wrong or you aren't doing enough. That is good news! It means you can do something different, and/or do more. It's going to be uncomfortable but dealing with that is a core skill in dating and in business.

Okay an example - you got banned from match apps. Why? Someone probably reported you or something, likely multiple someones (does that mean you did anything wrong? no, women on the apps be crazy). Is there a way to appeal this ban normally? No. Do you likely know someone on LinkedIn who knows someone who works there? Given your background very possible. You can cold message someone and be like "hey I work in NYC and I'm interested in whaling on this shit but I'm banned for no apparent reason..." Is this likely to work? Maybe not. Could it work? Yes absolutely. I was having a serious redacted issued with major tech company and I contacted person I knew for redacted reason and they got someone to fix it. If you have the professional network you can use it. Even if you don't have a connection you can leverage if you have a built up LI you can probably just cold message a few people. If you don't have a built up LinkedIn you are probably not networking enough, that will help you at work but those networking skills can also be leveraged to pick up women, especially if you are looking for a specific type (meet a guy who hangs out with ABGs? ....become friends with him and you'll meet ABGs IRL).

Likewise make a CMB. Now. Do not stall, if you stall that stall will last a long time. Make it and start using it now, maybe you don't find anyone with the qualities you want but dating is a skill and like any skill it has to be practiced, it is also a numbers game so you gotta get on it if you want it to work.

I don’t have that many opportunities to meet single women IRL: my hobbies and social circles are pretty male-dominated and the attractive women in them are already taken; plus work keeps me pretty busy.

More discomfort - pick up some new hobbies that have women. Depending on how male-dominated your current hobbies are that could end up being great for you for reasons other than dating, but if what you are doing right now isn't working (and it clearly isn't) you gotta start doing something else!

This, I think, is especially true when it comes to women who are my type (well-educated Asian-Americans), as they tend not to just hang out in bars or whatever waiting for guys to approach them; if they’re in the dating scene at all, it’s through apps.

I think you also have to be careful with how dialed into your type you are. That's instantly going to make things more challenging for you, but if that's still the only thing you want I think you are missing out on some of the stereotypes - FOBs might be not hanging out in bars, but ABGs are big into the clubbing and rave scene, are all over certain kinds of bars, you can approach while they are doing some dumbass trendy thing in K-town etc.

Just wanted to note I really enjoyed your contribution on this occasion.

What is your graduate degree in if you don't mind me asking?

Computer science/machine learning

Cool. I can’t feel jealous of your salary now because computer science and machine learning is something I would never be able to do!

hire someone like todd v if you can spend thousands a night, I know people who have worked with him and he is very likely the best dating coach in the world who also lives in New York. Never take roids, definitely do not go for a surgery either. East Asian women are very receptive to non east asian dudes. I dont recommend that you move back to nyc since you dont wish to do cold approach like me and would prefer a stable girlfriend.

I wish you well, but do remember that you cannot pay your way to really good dating odds. You can improve them by increasing your self-satisfaction, having more for your kids, and moving in better circles, but not much besides that. Do pick up basic meditation whilst you are at it. As for locations, you can go out during the day or night and NYC has plenty of places for both that are fairly decent and don't even have a strict entry norm going by Todds NYC dating guide.

I commend you for doing well in life, I am trying to get there and I am 24 now. I got a harsh wake up call 3 years ago and became an ok novice at cold approach. I recommend you stay away from dating apps, human mating especially for guys works well irl, you are not your looks but that is what you reduced down to on those places. I keep these apps on my phone as a reminder to get good at math and programming stuff fast, get a job and move out asap.

Three comments:

  1. Move out of Jersey City - no one wants to take the PATH to get a date. Also get an IPhone if you don’t have one.

  2. Don’t you have some fun friends who either do cool things or know cool people given you went to “elite” schools and work a “prestigious” job? Ask them to invite you to stuff. If you don’t then try to find them… they exist in those institutions.

  3. You talk about steroids and paying 50k for club tables but ignore the most EV move which is just bringing a bag of coke to parties. You will make friends if you have coke… trust me.

No need to get expensive surgery or pay the median salary in bar tabs just be the guy with a gram who lives in a cool neighborhood like the Village or LES. You will get invited to stuff if that’s the case.

Also shave because asian women don’t like beards.

Drugs are always a good way to make friends but countless social coke suppliers eventually become completely degenerate fiends who ruin their own lives astonishingly quickly, especially on extremely high incomes like the OP’s where you can spiral into a deep habit fast. I couldn’t recommend it seriously to someone without supreme self control who has also been around the drug for a long time casually.

Yes this strategy works best if you don’t like doing coke all that much.

It messes up my nose too much for me to fiend personally. I’ve found Twitter & weed to be much more addictive personally.

Nothing to spice up one's day like the constant fear that your already stuffy nose will start bleeding at any moment.

I do use my neti pot after if I do any lol

Also shave because asian women don’t like beards.

In my (not remotely limited) experience, this is not the case.

Where can I find this mystical Colombian connection?

Just ask around? If you’re at the right parties people will just offer. You can always ask for a connection there…

Is there someone in your office who raves a lot? (They may have mentioned Brooklyn Mirage or Basement as their weekly activity）

Ask that person first….

If anyone of your friends raves ask that person too… or if a friend mentions they party all night. Ex frat bros are more likely to have some but also artist types…

How do I convince my girlfriend to eat more?

She's very skinny; usually not skeletal, but there are weeks where she oscillates between skeletal and skinny. She denies having an eating disorder and I don't think she does, but she is very finicky about her food and hardly ever eats meat (sushi being her one exception, she loves that). She says she's not a vegan, but vegan options are always her first choice and she'll only go non-vegan if there's no other option. She's 5'5'' and weighs about 100-105 lbs, so she's underweight, but not to the point where the casual observer would be concerned about it. I think she'd look and feel a lot better if she had another 10 lbs on her frame and a less restrictive diet, but when I raised the subject once she just said "You don't want me to get fat, right?" and insisted everything was fine.

I've never really had this problem with a girl before; it's usually the other way around where they might not stay in shape, and I've generally found that easy to handle because when I work out and stay fit it creates an impetus in their minds to do the same. Do any women here have any advice for how they'd like this subject broached if they were on the receiving end of the conversation, or if they think this sort of thing is fine? Do any men here have any experience with this?

If it's not a health problem, I'd say just let her be. Terms like "skeletal" are loaded and subjective, I can't tell if this is your taste talking or something else. The rough descriptors of weight and height don't sound dramatic to me, although you don't say her age or much else. I live in Japan though, so I am always jarred by what passes for normal weight in for example the US (where 9/10 women I consider at least slightly overweight).

Seconding @Sloot that everything about this sounds like the opposite of a problem. Next you're going to tell me that your wallet's too small for your fifties and your diamond shoes are too tight.

Some body types are just meant to be slim with little muscle and little fat.

My wife is 5'7" and weighs 115-120 lbs. I agree that's the best weight range.

Can you convince your GF to start working out? Even if she puts on ten pounds of pure muscle she'll still fill out in all the right places. Plus you can tell her the truth that she has to eat more to fuel her training sessions.

Do any men here have any experience with this?

Uh... enjoy your slim, tight-bodied girlfriend? One of the hottest girls I've ever banged was maybe an inch or two taller and zero to ten pounds heavier than your girlfriend at the time, still had decent ass and pert tits, just no excess blubber around the arms/legs/midsection.

She denies having an eating disorder and I don't think she does, but she is very finicky about her food and hardly ever eats meat (sushi being her one exception, she loves that).

There's a lot of options there. Within the general sushi realm, there's a decent amount of variety with regard to maki vs. nigiri vs. sashimi. When it comes to cooked seafood, one can also do seafood fried rices, grilled seafood, baked fishes, pan-cooked shrimps/prawns.

I think she'd look and feel a lot better

You'd know better than me to the extent she'd look better, but be careful what you wish for... even by #BoomerHumor standards, it's already a cliche for a man to see his girlfriend/wife go from a thin qt3.14 to a heffersaur in a seeming blink-of-an-eye.

So many men would kill for a 5’5” 100-105 lb girlfriend/wife.

And I don't know to what extent she'd feel better. Usually women carry more than enough fat content such that changes in fat composition don't make a difference in general mood, other than the psychological impacts of being able to eat what you want. In contrast are some men, at certain times, in bodybuilding and combat sports who are more or less on the precipice of dying due to low body fat and dehydration.

but when I raised the subject once she just said "You don't want me to get fat, right?" and insisted everything was fine.

Based girlfriend.

I hope it gets better, I know some women who became too skinny and later had fertliity issues, I sincerely hope your girlfriend doesn't face that. Besides just that, low weight increases the likelihood of bone density issues.

As for getting fat, modern modeling has warped realistic expectations. You can maybe try to tag her along to times when you are workout, the demands from physical culture may improve her appetite. You can also replace lower calorie snacks with higher ones if you live together.

This is a very hard thing to solve, I have a friend who is 5'7 and weighs 110 and wants to eat 1100 calories. She refuses to believe that most sane people don't like skinny girls because of Victoria's secret. Most people would look better if they simply worked out, I suspect girls don't like the idea of a higher bodyweight since most people have terrible fat distribution which can be fixed if you work out and aren't simply overweight.

Good luck regardless.

My wife is tall and underweight and has been her entire life. I've had similar concerns, conversations, and attempted interventions. For her, it's almost certainly genetic. I've learned that if she eats more now, she'll naturally eat less later and vice versa. She's perfectly healthy and gained weight well while pregnant, but nursed it all off again.

The only advice that has worked is to encourage her to exercise, which naturally increases her satiation point, but has only resulted in a more fit wife rather than a fatter one.

I am a man and I have extensive firsthand experience in this department. Me, I'm a simple vegetarian (which means I eat dairy and eggs) and only qualify for "disordered eating," which is to say that my eating habits are not even in the zip code of normal people but don't rise to the level of a full-blown eating disorder--autism, it's what's (not) for breakfast! My wife, on the other hand, has struggled with anorexia for most of her adult life and was 58 pounds at her lowest weight. There's no delicate way for me to say this, but the, "you don't want me to get fat, right," comment, her restrictive diet, and being underweight all combine to raise my suspicions that your girlfriend is anorexic. In fact, that's pretty much the diagnostic criteria for anorexia right there if we assume that the fear of becoming overweight is intense or otherwise exaggerated. If she is, there are other common signs that you've already noticed or will notice over time, things like being extremely self-conscious about her body, a negative self-image in general, hiding her body with loose clothing or layers, a general habit of withdrawing and isolating from friends and fun/enjoyable activities, fluid loading, especially with caffeinated beverages, noticeably low muscle mass on arms and legs, etc.

I actually came here to write about my own difficulties in my marriage due in major part to my wife's anorexia and I have been crying off and on as I write this because this shit is as serious as a heart attack and I want to find a way to convey this to you. Recovery is possible but it's a long and arduous road, requiring a good treatment team, a support network that unabashedly loves her and supports her unconditionally, and most importantly her own willingness to participate in treatment and sustained efforts to recover. Please feel free to respond/DM me if you want to talk more about this--I hope like hell that it isn't that bad, and I wish you well regardless.

and was 58 pounds at her lowest weight

The fuck, that's Auschwitz-grade weight. I hope your wife can make peace with her body.

Yeah, she was institutionalized for that, I'm sure it saved her life. Sadly, she's still anorexic af, but she's managed a balance where she maintains a decent weight, so she's got that going for her.

Cook for her? That's my only idea. Desserts are generally fun to make, too. And for the meat side of things, I endorse this recipe: https://www.keepingitsimpleblog.com/food/ottolenghis-seeded-chicken-schnitzel/

Do any women here have any advice for how they'd like this subject broached if they were on the receiving end of the conversation

OK, I qualify. It's much more effective to ask what her body can do (in terms of physical activity) rather than what her body looks like. If, despite her skinniness and near-veganism, she's strong as an ox and endures like a camel, then there is no problem with her diet.

Do the two of you do any physical activity together (other than intimacy) which puts her strength and endurance to the test? Do you go for long hikes? Swim? Play tennis? Climb? Go hunting? Clear debris? Dig ditches? If she does any physical activity that brings her to the brink of her strength or endurance, then improving her strength / endurance is a motivator. If, on the other hand, she avoids any activity that requires strength / endurance because she has none, you have an opportunity to start doing an activity with her at the beginner level. Not long hikes, but going for a walk. Not swim but splash in the pool. Not climb but gentle scramble. Once she starts doing the physical activity (with the motivator being your shared company), and she gets to enjoy doing the activity (positive reinforcement is a hell of a trainer), then she'll be in the position where she'd value increasing her strength / endurance.

As for looks: once your girl is into a physical activity, she'll put on the muscle, look less skinny, and (yes) feel better.

If, despite her skinniness and near-veganism, she's strong as an ox and endures like a camel, then there is no problem with her diet.

I think this is probably a good starting point, but I will observe that there are plenty of professional athletes, even successful ones, who have eating disorders. The term of art there seems to be RED-S these days. For those, the concerns are more "are they getting injured more often than they should" (energy deficiency can cause bone density issues), and, for women, if they are menstruating regularly (hormonal birth control can mask this issue).

Is there an easy way to make vitamin d indoors? Something like a lizard lamp? I don't think vitamin d supplements are doing the job.

I just got 'upgraded' on my vitamin D supplements. Got a big syringe to my butt, and 50k IU pills once a week.

I've been in sunny California all of last year, and still ended up deficient. I'm no homebody either. So not sure what the reason is. Maybe it's just that I'm brown and wear jackets semi-permanently.

The previous multi-vitamin pills I took had a pathetic 500-1000 IU. That's less than 10k a week. Gotta up the numbers chief.

You want a UVB lamp, something like this. They're good for treating skin conditions as well.

What makes you say that? Have you checked via blood test?

Blood vitamin d is usually on the lower end, I've taken supplements (Ritual multivitamin) for years without seeing a change. I don't get sick in the summer but am sick all winter long.

I don't know what ritual multivitamin is, but you need to be taking a specific standalone vitamin D supplement. 80 micrograms per day is a good amount for me personally. Don't be afraid to take more than the "recommended" dosage that your country's food safety admin peddles, those are outdated.

To add onto this, my understanding is that there is some percentage of the population for whom oral vitamin D supplementation does nothing unless you also supplement vitamin K. I took D3 for a year every day consistently and it had no effect on serum levels. Once I started taking a D3/K2 supplement, it rose to normal levels and I feel great.

Yeah but that's true for everyone, and perhaps much more so for some individuals. The body doesn't really know where to put all the incoming D vitamin unless it has enough K2.

It's important to get the right type of K2, too. Trans-menaquinone-7 (MK-7) is the right type. I take the one from Life Extension. It's kinda expensive. I take it once every 2 days, and D3 daily. shrug

The Ritual multivitamin only has 50mcgs so maybe that is it.

Since I’m spamming the wellness thread, has anyone had any success significantly changing their resting heart rate? If so, what did you do?

At the moment my RHR is ~58 at night, 75-85 in the day without recently eating or exercising. It’s my understanding this is significantly too high. Any advice?

Lift a lot and some hiit sessions on your rest days. I was able to lower mine to nearly 40s pretty easily in a few months, I used my smartphone for measurement, it may he off by a bit but having higher levels of muscle mass, lower fat percentage and something like bi weekly hiit sprints on a bike would help. I was doing mma 6 days a week when my rhr was the lowest.

In addition to the responses below 2 other things to consider are reducing salt intake and making sure you are consuming a sufficient amount of magnesium every day. Neither may be applicable to you, but they could be a place to look if regular exercise isn't getting you the results you want.

Blood pressure might be another good data point to measure. I don't know enough to say more but I have experienced that blood pressure and heart rate can be related in a complex way (e.g. something can cause both RHR and blood pressure to increase, or RHR can increase to compensate for a drop in blood pressure).

Btw, I think 60-80 is a normal RHR when awake.

When I don't have stimulants in my body, my RHR is around 39 at night. With stimulants, it's on average 44. I chalk it up to a large volume of cardio done at just below my lactate threshold.

Either get a lactate test or find the general range of your lactate threshold (whatever your cardio exercise of choice, do it for 60 minutes, drop the first 10 minutes, then use the average effort/HR as baseline), then do as much at that effort as you can fit in your day with preference to longer pieces. If you're struggling to recover afterwards, you're going too hard. You should start seeing results after a few weeks if you respond anything like I did.

Cardiovascular fitness is certainly the simplest way. Having a powerful heart results in fewer strokes to move the same amount of blood volume. On days that I don't have any alcohol my heart rate drops into the low-40s while sleeping or while being mindfully restful. There is no shortcut here, but it's also not all that difficult - any decent amount of running, biking, or swimming will yield that result within a year or so.

That's...not too high. The average is 60-100 bpm. Over 100 bpm at rest is tachycardia but what you're describing isn't high. Maybe I'm misunderstanding?

Thank you, that’s interesting to hear. I was under the impression that waking HRH for a man in early 30s is meant to be 60-70 but perhaps I’m wrong or have high expectations. I had surgery for tachycardia last year and very low physical energy in general so I’m self-conscious about it. But perhaps I’m overthinking.

75-85 is higher than average for a healthy adult, and I'd generally recommend cardio to try to improve it, but it's "worse than the median", not "infarction at any moment".

What was up with the tachycardia surgery, though? If you've had doctors looking at the problem before and recommending surgical (ablation?) treatment then you should probably ignore general recommendations and ask your GP or cardiologist about your specific situation. The answer might be "yeah, you're physically normal now, the general advice applies" or "yeah, exercise, but in your case it should be lower intensity for longer times", but there's a tiny chance of something like "oh, shit, we need to take another scan" that you'll never learn from a rando.

Regular cardio exercise (at pretty high heart rates, not just the fat burning zone) should do the trick. At least 3x30m per week.

If you have trauma or other anxieties in your subconscious/body, dealing with that will improve your rhr and heart rate variability for sure. It did for me. I used to have a pretty pressurizing, fast rhr and now I'm much calmer. A more dynamic heart rate that can quickly and often switch gears according to situations is actually healthier, somewhat counterintuitively. A heart rate that's stuck in one gear most of the time is a sign of poor cardiovascular health and/or chronic stress.

Can you give more details about the second part? I'm a pretty fit endurance athlete, but my resting heart rate has been elevated above baseline for at least the last 3 months. It could be sickness, but I think there's a big element of anxiety there too.

Sure, but in order to speak on the subject in any real actionable detail, I'd have to ask you some questions that could feel personal. Might wanna take it to PM.

Or I could just write briefly and in more generalized form here.

High heart rates being 150s/160s? I can do that in easy intervals (6x60run/120walk, for example). Was trying to do the couch to 5k before but stopped due to shin splints and worries about aggravating previous tachycardia.

Now trying again but a lower amount and slower rate of growth.

A more dynamic heart rate that can quickly and often switch gears according to situations is actually healthier, somewhat counterintuitively.

Sadly this isn’t me. My heart will go from 160 to 120s in a minute or so, but will be above 100 for three hours at least after a run.

High heart rates being 150s/160s?

This depends what your max heart rate is. Max heart rate is mostly set by genetics and age, it doesn't change much over any short period of time. If your max HR is 180, then 160s is high. If your max HR is 200, 160s is not that high - I'll spend a half marathon above that the entire time.

High intensity interval training is supposed to be the most effective way to do cardio, but that assumes you've already got a good base fitness.

You estimate your personal max hr by subtracting your age from 220. Then multiply by desired percentage.

60-80% of personal max is a good level to be at for 30+ minutes.

My heart will go from 160 to 120s in a minute or so, but will be above 100 for three hours at least after a run.

Hm. That's a very long recovery!

Do you get enough water? Eat healthy? Enough (good quality) sleep? Low or no amounts of caffeine?

If you can answer yes to all of those, and still have very long recovery periods, I suggest sticking to non-interval training for a few weeks or months. Build your base fitness.

Is anyone having a suddenly overwhelming flu season? I barely got a cold in the two years since the end of the Covid pandemic and now I’ve got sick three times in six weeks. Literally a quarter of my office (rotating) has been sick for the last month. Our ‘out of office’ slack channel looks like a record of the plague.

I feel it a little bit. I do jal neti regularly and take some anti infection meds sometimes, so far no sore throat issues. Sleeping on time, avoiding stress, contact with other people, being covered up has helped me a lot.

Have you gotten checked for allergies?

I'm afraid this comment will lead to selection bias. People who have gotten sick recently will post. Those that haven't wont.

So, for science, let me say that no, the rate of sickness among my circle is no higher than usual.

Was normal for me so far. I did get some light cold, but that often happens to me when I travel, and I have been traveling more than usual for the last couple of months. If anything, the last cold was lighter than I usually get. Haven't noticed also any inordinate amount of people being sick at work (I'm working in highly remote company so a person taking sick time off usually publishes a note on the common slack channel) though with a lot of people being out for holidays anyway it may be harder to notice. So another data point here towards null.

Mine is lower than last year, we are involved with fewer childcare situations and got everything last year. Currently I have a cold, but this is the first one and fairly mild.

In the interest of countering selection bias, I'll say we haven't had much this season, and our oldest kid is in elementary school, so we're exposed to everything that goes around. Kids have had some mild sniffles and coughing for a couple of days and I developed a scratchy throat today, but that's all so far. Husband hasn't been sick at all yet, though he'll probably catch whatever it is the kids and I have.

Very true. Thank you for supporting the null hypothesis.

I had a friend who was going for a Masters in Education and he proposed, in all seriousness, to find participants for his survey on "Barriers to Women in Science Education" by asking female friends if they knew anyone who would like to talk about it. I had to give him a real chewing out and walk him through how to do a survey that isn't pissing in the pool of Science. I dread to think what rubbish is getting produced in that area.

I've had what seem to be more colds than usual, but none of them particularly bad. That said, maybe its like this every year and it just doesn't stick in my memory.

This guy has a theory that the vaccine for COVID caused a shift in the antibody response away from the normal viral response towards something more akin to an allergic reaction, which allows the virus to stick around a low level, mutate, and damage our immune systems through persistent reinfection. I can't pretend to understand the virology, but I think there's at least something there: there's such high levels of COVID in wastewater suggesting some kind of persistent low-level infection.

https://www.rintrah.nl/how-the-innate-immune-system-manages-to-cope-with-antibody-resistant-sars2-varieties/

FWIW half of my office is out sick, enough people that we've had to cancel end of year events due to lack of attendance. Seems like it's really getting around this year.

Team,

I will be out of the office this Friday. It's a real shame, because we all know what a dedicated employee I am. Navigating icy roads? Doing boring work for hours on end? No problem. I live for that stuff.

But sadly, I am feeling under the weather. For the public good, I am forced to stay home. One can never be too careful with all these new variants! Stay safe, everyone, and I'll see you all after the holidays.

Best regards,

-Todd Warner, logistics.

I don't blame Todd. His sick days don't roll over.

Seems like covid did lasting damage to people's immune systems.

Maybe, but everything was fine till this flu season. My theory is that lockdowns drove down infections and it took a couple of years to get them circulating normally again, but I can’t back that up.

Covid itself or the covid jab?

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