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PaperclipPerfector  2mo ago (text post)   2305 thread views

Wellness Wednesday for October 9, 2024

The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:

  • Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.

  • Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.

  • Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.

  • Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).

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I am seeking advice on how to fix a chronic, persistent, extreme lack of discipline.

I am currently 25, live with my mother, I have failed out of college (again) and I currently work part time at a grocery store for minimum wage within walking distance (I still don't have my driver's license). The reason I failed out of college both times was that I just didn't show up to class. When I did show up, I passed the exams with no real problem and I managed to pass a few classes with that. I have yet to tell my mother I failed the second time. I went to a 4 year college, failed out of that, then went to a 2 year community college. The only reason I managed to get a degree was that it was during COVID years, so the standards were super lax. I'm pretty sure I missed a few final exams, didn't hand in almost any assignments and yet somehow I still passed. After passing, I went back to the 4 year school and went back to failing.

I only have the job because, after I finished the 2 year degree, I didn't sign up for classes for the 4 year college in time, so I was doing nothing for months. My mother kept telling me to get a job since I wasn't in school and was threatening to kick me out if I didn't. She gave me multiple deadlines that I blew past with no consequence, but I could tell she was getting increasingly fed up. I ended up getting a job and I'm pretty sure if I waited a month or two longer, I would've been kicked out.

After the second time I failed, I decided to go to a therapist. She told me to see a psychiatrist for ADHD. He eventually said I have ADHD, and even though I am still quite skeptical of the diagnosis (for reasons I can go into if needed), I have been taking the Methylphenidate ER that I've been prescribed. I am only doing this because my mother has great insurance so all the therapists, doctors and medication is all paid for fully by insurance, but that will only last until I am 26 (close to a year from now). She also doesn't know I am going to a therapist, doctor or that I am taking any medicine.

With regards to my job, for reasons that I still do not know, I am able to go to my job without missing a day. I am almost always a few minutes late (anywhere from 0 to 10 minutes), but given the super low standards of a minimum wage job, I never get reprimanded in any way for it. But, I still always show up, unlike my school classes. This confusion is part of what prompted me to go to therapy. I have repeatedly tried to figure out why I am late and to fix it, but nothing really worked.

So, the question is: what do I do? Here is me listing all the options I can think of

  1. Continue going to therapy and seeing the psychiatrist. Both haven't been helpful so far (I've seen two therapists so far. the first abruptly told me she was leaving that practice. Both have been similarly effective), but maybe they just need more time. Hopefully, I will learn why I didn't go to class and fix that, then I will go back to school, finish my degree and get a job like "normal". My worry: it's been 3 months of this so far and I can't see any progress, so I am not too optimistic. Plus, I'm not sure I can hide me failing from my mother much longer and if she does find out, I'm pretty sure I will be kicked out. Maybe I need a new therapist? If it's not part of insurance, as all the good therapists seem to be, I don't think I'd be able to afford it with my minimum wage job. And, even though every therapist that doesn't take insurance says they offer it cheaper for people that find it hard to pay, I'm not sure I'd qualify since, even though I make little money, my mother makes decent money.

  2. Give up on college, give up on therapy, the psychiatry, the adhd medication and try to find a job with the 2 year degree I have. Hope that what happened with me not going to college doesn't happen at my new job. My worry: doing this without understanding why I failed in college seems very risky. I'm also not sure I can find a good enough job to move out with just a 2 year degree.

  3. Tell my mother. Hope she gives me another chance. But then what? What is my plan then? No idea. Plus, I am unsure I would even get another chance (or if I deserve one). I mean, would you give me one? I don't think I would.

  4. Continue working my dead end job. Eventually, my mother will figure out I failed, maybe she'll give me another chance, maybe not, eventually I get kicked out. (doom scenario)

Am I missing any options? What should I do? How do I fix this extreme lack of discipline? How do I fix this extreme laziness? Have you, or anyone you know, fixed this extreme lack of discipline? How?

If it matters, for context I live in the New York metropolitan area. Also, "kicked out" in this context doesn't mean me being homeless. I'm not 100% sure, but it probably means me either living with my dad, or my brother. However, if I don't solve my issues, they would probably kick me out eventually as well, and after that, who knows.

I mean, you’re showing up to your minimum wage job regularly, so you obviously have the capacity to keep up with obligations. Perhaps it’s just a habit. In which case, maybe your solution is pushing yourself hard for a few months to build the habits you need for success!

And this is probably 95% bullshit psychobabble, ignore me if this doesn’t apply to you, but as someone who struggled with procrastination I want to share my take.

Specifically, the fact that you struggle so much with school makes me think there’s something beyond just attention deficits that’s causing you to self-sabotage. My experience is that procrastination and self-sabotage comes from perfectionism and self doubt: in college I had no trouble completing easy assignments on time, but had a lot of trouble motivating myself to work on longform projects like essays, as I felt like I had to do them perfectly. I believe many problems with “self-discipline” actually boil down to feelings of insecurity and avoidance.

You’re obviously very concerned with not failing. Do you think maybe this contributed to your procrastination and avoidance? Were you so afraid that if you tried and failed, it would be a blow to your self-concept, and so you stopped yourself from trying and guaranteed a failure that you could say wasn’t because you were too dumb? Like, “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt?”

From your post, you’re analytical and thoughtful — most people in your situation aren’t able to sit down and analyze it as you have, they end up kicked out on the street without realizing what’s going on. And because you’re here, it’s pretty safe to assume that you’re at least above average in intelligence. Are you afraid of disproving that? Are you concerned that doing your all and failing at your 4 year college would make you feel small and pathetic? Maybe you struggle less in your minimum wage job because you consider it below you, easy, and therefore unthreatening? You can imagine yourself being some kind of starving artist, an undervalued renegade, maybe?

Have either of your therapists talked about short-term vs long-term benefits before? Have you looked into what blocks you from doing things, what benefits procrastination provides you in the moment, like emotional relief, even if it destroys your long term goals? Or do you not even get to the point where you know you have an assignment due Sunday night and it’s Sunday at 3pm and you decide not to try?

What’s your associate’s in? What kind of program were you working on at the 4 year college?

My experience is that procrastination and self-sabotage comes from perfectionism and self doubt

I initially thought that this 100% didn't apply to me since I didn't do simple assignments as well the long form ones, but now I am thinking of a few examples of me avoiding things cause I can't do it perfectly, so I need to reflect on this more. In particular, I'm thinking of times at work when I avoid doing things because I don't know exactly how some minor thing should be done, e.g. "should the sticker be like this, or rotated 90 degrees? Should I ask the manager? No, that's a super dumb question over a minor thing. I'll just do something else" That also made me think of times I avoid doing household chores because I don't know how exactly my mother wants it to be done. (I am the prototypical "weaponized incompetence" trope that women on social media complain about)

Were you so afraid that if you tried and failed, it would be a blow to your self-concept, and so you stopped yourself from trying and guaranteed a failure that you could say wasn’t because you were too dumb?

It's very hard for me to try to remember my emotions. My therapist keeps trying to get me to remember what it feels like when I didn't go to class and I find it very hard. This seems plausible, so I will try to think about it more.

Maybe you struggle less in your minimum wage job because you consider it below you, easy, and therefore unthreatening? You can imagine yourself being some kind of starving artist, an undervalued renegade, maybe?

This definitely resonated with me. This instantly made me think of all the times I had an ego and thought my coworkers were dumb. I need to think about this more.

My first therapist was very nice, but, other than telling me to go to a psychiatrist, I can't really say she was helpful. I've only seen the new one a few times so far, but she's been more thought provoking than the last one even if I can still tell that she is fresh out of school like the last one.

Have you looked into what blocks you from doing things, what benefits procrastination provides you in the moment, like emotional relief, even if it destroys your long term goals? Or do you not even get to the point where you know you have an assignment due Sunday night and it’s Sunday at 3pm and you decide not to try?

Emotional relief sounds accurate because I usually play games or watch youtube and avoid thinking about the assignment or other thing I have to do. I am usually aware of the assignment well before it is due, so I definitely know when it's due and don't forget.

The associate's is in accounting, and ideally, I would've stayed in school to get all the credits to become a CPA, but then my plan shifted to just finishing the degree, finding work, then doing the CPA college credits later on. Then, I failed enough accounting classes that the repeat policy meant I couldn't continue an accounting degree, so I switched to another business degree. But then I failed enough classes that I can't even finish any business degrees at that college anymore. So, if I do go back to school, I'd need to go to a different college since my accounting bachelor's is what I am closest to finishing.

You sound quite a bit like me. Post on the latest wellness Wednesday thread please, that way you will get more eyeballs.

Why might you not have ADHD?

I have plenty of reasons for against my ADHD diagnosis, so I think it's easier if I list it in a roughly chronological order

  • I only really considered that I might have ADHD after a streamer said they had it, got medicated and then was way more productive and focused. They described it in a way that felt like it could apply to me. Points for: this made me seriously consider ADHD Points against: am I just being influenced into thinking I have ADHD like all those patients that news articles and doctors on the psychiatry subreddit complain about? Am I just another one of those self-diagnosed tiktok people?

  • I did a lot of research on ADHD prior to going to a therapist Points for: A lot of the questionnaires I did said I had ADHD (I looked for official, actually used questionnaires, not shoddy websites) Points against: not every questionnaire said I had ADHD and when it did say I had it, more often than not I was barely within the ADHD range. Also, am I just Barnum effecting myself with these questionnaires?

  • I went to a therapist and she recommended I see a psychiatrist to test for ADHD Points for: a neutral unbiased person said I might have ADHD. Big point for. Points against: she was clearly just reading a questionnaire that was very similar to ones I had done myself while researching it. She was also young and seemingly fresh out of school. So, did I unintentionally coach myself by researching ADHD beforehand?

  • The psychiatrist eventually diagnosed me with ADHD Points for: a real, professional psychiatrist diagnosed me with ADHD. Very big point for. Points against: the psychiatrist initially said I probably didn't have ADHD. Then, I did a TOVA test, slightly landed in the ADHD range of the test, and now he thinks I have ADHD and tried to instantly prescribe me medication (I declined and wanted to think about it first. I eventually agreed). When I later researched computer ADHD tests, they did not seem very reliable compared to taking a patient history, which this doctor didn't do. The psychiatrist also tried to get me to do a genetic test to see which medication "matched" my genes, but when I researched that, the evidence for it being effective seemed weak. So, I have a slight hunch that he is just trying to get more money from me.

  • I started Methylphenidate ER Points for: I feel slightly more focused and haven't really felt "wired" Points against: even after two dosage increases (I'm on 36mg right now. The other day, I took 45mg using leftover, lower dosed, pills from before my dosage increased. It felt the same as 36mg), it is not really that big of an effect. It feels like being on caffeine all day. From research, I know that you shouldn't use a negative/low reaction to stimulants as a way to rule out an ADHD diagnosis, but surely it is relevant in a Bayesian sense, right?

Another thing is that I don't fit the stereotypical ADHD person. When I showed up, I was always able to focus in class, in boring meetings, etc. I was a "quiet" kid. I was always able to sit still in class and such and never really caused problems. Someone who can sit still and focus in class (if I couldn't, I wouldn't have been able to pass any classes given I basically never did homework or other assignments. My test grades saved me) does not really fit the ADHD image

Why is my urge to troll so overwhelming sometimes?

I live in an extremely leftist town and though I consider myself politically moderate, I want nothing more than to research conversation topics that would destroy the lefties with facts and logic.

Example: leftists love land acknowledgements and talk of giving land back is immediate applause lights in any get together. While researching burn facts about the native peoples of this area, I learned that they practiced chattel slavery!!!!!!

The amount of glee this filled me with was ridiculous. I cannot wait for the next time I'm at a party and can let the local lefties whip themselves up nice and puffy over their reverence for the native peoples and then drop this bomb.

I don't believe this is leftism per se driving me crazy. I would also almost certainly feel this urge if I lived in the Deep South and was surrounded by Christians.

My waifu thinks this is cute and not too unattractive, so that's fine, but she still cautions me about burning my social standing in a place that's lefty out the wazoo and having our family relegated to being one of those low class Trump people.

It's so tempting though. Argh!

I empathise with you greatly. Having to live in a society that values politeness over truth does me irreparable pyschic damage on a daily basis. At my old job, I stuck headphones in and turned on loud rock music whenever the conversation strayed to politics.

Ultimately, you have to ask yourself what you personally want to get out of bringing up counterarguments. It is supremely unlikely that anyone in your circle will change their mind or even internalise your point of few past a few hours. They likely won't remember what you said, only that you disagreed and marked yourself as an outsider.

I don't think anyone could have ended up posting here without being a reflexive contrarian by nature. When I was younger, if you told me that the sky was blue I would pull out a physics book and start arguing with you about Rayleigh scattering and about the arbitrary definition of colors with respect to wavelengths of light. At a certain point it just becomes an inconvenience when you get nerdsniped by every offhand remark that people around you make and find yourself looking up rebuttals in the wee hours of the night.

Land acknowledgements are, of course, stupid, and it's fine to tell people that you think that, but I find the idea of waiting around hoping someone gives you an excuse to verbally destroy them vaguely distasteful, in the same way I would the idea of, for instance, an MMA fighter who went through life hoping someone tries to mug him so he has a reason to beat them up.

Low trait agreeability.

I've worked on some high-and-tight outfits and get fed up with their Mickey Mouse bullshit, worked with some chillers and get fed up with the slackness and lack of respect for tradition, sometimes going both directions on exactly the same issue. Is what it is at this point, I guess.

I’m not sure this is trolling so much as contrarianism. Trolling might be something like ‘we acknowledge the bravery of our ancestors, who brought civilization to this land then in the grips of native savagery’.

Alternatively castigate the effect of civilization on the natives. Without the white man and his guns and his medicines, the noble indian would have been free to practice their natural culture of torture, slavery and mass murder, except without paved roads or medicine so every brave who gets his knee grazed by an arrow dies on the trek back home, just as mother nature intended.

It's just a natural urge for some people; it's also not really trolling in the traditional sense imo, since all you do is point out some particularly egregious ways in which their thinking is wrong, even if it may be in a socially aggressive way. Here in germany, we call the kind of person who can't help but point out wrong statements no matter the relevance nor the unwiseness of antagonizing the talker "Besserwisser" (literally "betterknower"). Both me and my wife are like that, which can make family life sometimes difficult.

Also, in most regions, the alleged "natives" had displaced, up to and including full genocide, a different group that lived there before. The entire concept is just ridiculous.

Also, in most regions, the alleged "natives" had displaced, up to and including full genocide, a different group that lived there before. The entire concept is just ridiculous.

Likely true but impossible to prove to a motivated reasoner. No witnesses, no written record - the perfect crime.

You can see that new populations have replaced existing populations in archeological DNA.

The manner or method of replacement is likely lost.

There are examples of it happening near the time of Western contact and the historical record: the Moriori in Polynesia, or the Lakota pushing the Cheyenne out of the Black Hills circa 1776. I'm sure there are other examples I'm not thinking of, but they tend to get swept under the rug because they don't fit nearly in, I suppose, the narrative.

Don't you know that those tribes were displaced by other tribes who had contact with Westerners and used Guns?

Hello paleskins, you have fire sticks? we want some. oh you will let us have them? we have no food or tools you can use. how about these shitheads we have hated for eternity? with an advance payment of some guns we will give you triple our normal number of slaves!

Wait, shit, are we talking about first nations or congo?

atrocities only started once the Europeans dropped by, with their fancy systems of written language, and wrote things down

kind of did the native peoples a favor, enshrining them forever as the "first" nations rather than the "second to most recent nation"

Here in germany, we call the kind of person who can't help but point out wrong statements no matter the relevance nor the unwiseness of antagonizing the talker "Besserwisser" (literally "betterknower"). Both me and my wife are like that, which can make family life sometimes difficult.

In France this is a Monsieur Je-Sais-Tout, here in Quebec we call a Ti-Joe Connaissant.

Also, in most regions, the alleged "natives" had displaced, up to and including full genocide, a different group that lived there before. The entire concept is just ridiculous.

To begin with, is there specific date at which we should start feeling bad about history happening the way history always has? I can buy arguments for "within living memory" but that's not what's being applied here.

In France this is a Monsieur Je-Sais-Tout, here in Quebec we call a Ti-Joe Connaissant.

I chuckled audibly, thank you.

I burned a whole rack of GPUs for about a minute having it explain to me why this was funny and it failed

enjoy your inside joke, chums!

Literally translated, they just mean mister know-it-all or Little Joe...savant? Knower-of-things? Not sure there's a good translation in English.

French in France is typically viewed as more precise, uptight and grammatically correct, whereas Quebecois is (unfairly) seen almost like a pidgin or 'lower-class' French. Like how someone with a 'cut-glass' British accent might look down on Americans from Alabama or speaking AAVE.

'Monsieur je-sais-tout' sounds very proper, whereas Ti-Joe is a contraction of petit-Joe, maybe the equivalent of saying 'mister know-it-all' versus 'lil Bob smartass.'

The american equivalent would probably be a "Smart Alec" or "Smart Aleck"

Wiseacre or wisenheimer

To begin with, is there specific date at which we should start feeling bad about history happening the way history always has?

Somewhere after 1453, but before 1521, all people achieved their rightful and proper places on this Earth.

What about all these Native Americans that kept displacing each other after 1521? Should we acknowledge them as invaders and colonizers?

The sentiment is that those Native Americans were more like each other than Europeans and Natives were like each other, and the internal affairs of Natives are, quite literally, different than an invasion from beyond the sea.

I don't find that a very compelling argument, I must say. Murdering people to take their stuff is equally bad no matter who is murdering whom.

Don't you understand, they were murdering in good faith!

It's a joke. Columbus and the Spaniards are evil for conquering the Americas, but that was a single lifetime after the Muslims conquered Anatolia, and nobody is calling for a return of Constantinople to the Christians. It's all who-whom.

I'll leave it there because this isn't the culture war thread.

nobody is calling for a return of Constantinople to the Christians

I honestly wouldn't say nobody. There are plenty of people larping as crusaders. Just mostly they aren't taken too seriously.

I knew it was a joke, I am just not fun at parties.

Anyone have tips for combatting the green-eyed monster? I often find myself begrudging others’ successes and good fortune. My resentment applies to friends [1], but also extends to people whom I barely know in passing (or even public figures).

[1] Although am I really their friend if I react this way?

Do you begrudge their success in the sense that it increases sensitivity to your own lack of success, or in the sense that you value your friends less? If it is only the former, I think that’s a good feeling to have

”Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little”

I think a healthy human becomes upset when their friends succeed far ahead of them, as it means that they are falling behind their peers, and identity is created through comparison to peers. Totally normal feeling. I think Pascal wrote about this and it was the subject of that book “A Separate Peace”. But the envy should propel you to do productive things rather than ruminate.

I'll give an unorthodox answer - figure out what you really want in life, what will make you happy and genuinely not jealous of anyone else, and pursue it relentlessly.

If you think it'll be 5-10 years before you get it, try to reprioritize what you want a bit and see if you can be satisfied with something easier to get somewhere along the way.

Working with your desire instead of fighting it is useful. Then you can reframe envy into admiration, and incorporate it into your goals.

You need to anchor your own self esteem to something that is, for you, concrete.

If you have some time to invest, I'd suggest you read "Sadly, Porn." In either case I'll poorly summarize with many assertions without evidence (as goes the source material)

The urge that ensures we eat is hunger. The urge that makes us social is a type of pleasure from preventing someone else getting what they want. It is equivalent to our will to power. However this can be deeply antisocial and in modern times you'll be excommunicated for stating the truth.

The lie we most commonly tell to convince others (and ourselves) that we never hunger is the ledger. They don't deserve that because it is not fair. They owe me for how I helped them. Justifications for dessert. The ledger is pro social if your accounting is good, but the point of it is to cook the books.

Your envy is you trying to use the ledger to get to dessert. But the ledger is fake and your math is bad. There gain is not your loss and even if it were that's not why you are here.

Your prescription is to either to stop lying to yourself that there is a ledger. Satisfy this hunger when it doesn't truly hurt someone, not just when you have moral cover. Alternatively you could get better at accounting so your attempts to cook the books aren't convincing to yourself. I'd recommend the second because it is easier.

I've read that book, but I didn't understand this part as well as you have (I just assumed it was because I hadn't read Lacan, but maybe I just missed something) I do want to point out that the ledger is of course nonsense, but also that it's useful to create the concept, because it makes life into a meritocracy. That human beings manipulate reward systems (wireheading or goodhart's law) rather than just chasing the rewards like they're meant to, is a different problem.

It's not just hunger, suffering works the same. You're hungry until you eat, and you make yourself unhappy "until you reach that goal, after which you will deserve happiness". We're afraid of letting go of suffering though, because of the belief that we won't reach our goal if we do (or the belief that we might even forget about the goal (this is why using a calender can reduce ones anxiety by a lot)). The "wireheading" when it comes to suffering is avoidance, procrastinating, distracting ourselves from what we're meant to do. Another example is shame and guilt. It's "invented" in order to motivate certain behaviour. You can dismiss them as nonsense, but then you also lose the benefit they were created to bring (for instance, if we accept that we're just a product of our environments and thus not to blame for anything, then how do we convince eachother not to be criminals?)

You've arrived at something quite insane and act like it's some forbidden truth...

Mostly just offering a different perspective. I'm significantly less convinced than my writing would suggest, but I haven't really seen many/any good competing theories to be honest. I'd like to point out that your response makes less sense than mine despite probably being more helpful. If it is "plain stupid to be envious" why would we have created envy. It is a part of human society we've been struggling with forever.

The urge that makes us social is a type of pleasure from preventing someone else getting what they want. It is equivalent to our will to power. However this can be deeply antisocial and in modern times you'll be excommunicated for stating the truth.

Wait what?? No it's not. On a fundamental level humans need allies. You don't get together with people just to harm them. Friendship is much closer to a stag hunt than a prisoner's dilemma.

The rational/evolutionary reason for wanting a social impulse is making allies. The mechanism by which that is implemented is crude.

Also just because you are denying them something they want does not mean you are making their life worse.

I don't know where you're getting this but it just isn't true. There are a thousand ways to interact with people and a thousand ways to derive enjoyment from those interactions. Sociality is how you win allies, find potential romantic partners, learn new information, make connections, etc.

I suppose in some very limited way there is some pleasure in denying others what they want, inasmuch as you're playing a status game, but that's quite a small fraction of the emotion involved in human interaction. At least for emotionally healthy people.

I'll ask the obvious question: Is this related at all to what is presented on social media? Some of the most broken, miserable, and neurotic people I know have quite striking social media presences. One very lovely young woman recently had all these Instagram stories of her done up in various chic outfits, including a kimono, having won some most beautiful somebody in XYZ prefecture. She's probably one of the most fragile women I've ever met and probably undiagnosed psychotic. But she has a slapping Instagram. It's a cliché to write, but social media isn't real. It's a chimera. Probably just uninstall all of it.

If the answer to question one is No, my other advice is equally maudlin: Ask yourself what you want to do or be, and then do that thing or become that person.

Spend some time thinking seriously about what you, personally, truly need to be happy. You’re one of eight billion people in the world. Everything you have is better and worse than what others have. But how does it relate to what you actually need to find happiness? I am not saying, necessarily, don’t be ambitious, or don’t be materialistic. But at the same time, no matter what you acquire or achieve, there will probably always be someone else who has more or better. It’s a near-endless ladder to climb. Establish what rungs you actually need to reach.

I like our house. There are unquestionably nicer houses than ours, several of which are in our very neighborhood, within walking distance that I see every day. Is our house an actual impediment to my happiness in and of itself? Absolutely not. I love our fireplace and the view from our second story picture window. Don’t let endless comparison be the thief of joy.

I've found (more broadly than just this), that small amounts of self-direction can help over time. Literally tell yourself "I'm happy for him/her" and reject your emotional reactive as not your true opinion. This may not work if you have a very overwhelming emotional reaction, but in most scenarios where you're emotions co-exist with even a seed of a detached cogntive rejection of the emotions, just feed that seed and mentally reenforce it as the true perspective.

One can also supplement this with actions that correlate with the desired feelings, since feelings are both up- and downsteam from behaviour. In this case that could mean you congratulate or even give presents to people who've got some recent win.

You're probably a friend still, but a kinda bad friend currently.

You should read up on the phenomenon. It's plain stupid to be envious. It doesn't lead to anything good. You don't gain anything from feeding that wolf. You're liable to lose something if/when people discover it. It causes only misery and no pleasure, ever. Why would you get on that cart?

You might try practicing mudita (sympathetic joy). Start small and easy, with some person or animal you don't mind seeing having pleasure. Then expand to something more difficult and see what feelings come up (and ask your body and mind why).

I am getting into tea to replace my drinking habit. I dialed down to a healthy consumption a while ago, just didn’t really have a replacement for a while.

First, any recommendations?

Second, is it worth it to get the whole setup over continuing to use teabags when most of the time, it’s just going to be one person drinking tea at a time.

I love my electric kettle with temperature/time settings for different kinds of tea. Keeps things warm, and can even have the tea ready for you at the time you ask for it. Less expensive models also exist.

If you buy loose-leaf tea I would suggest you store it in a vacuum-sealed container like this one. Oolong tea is my favorite, particularly the stuff grown at higher elevations (usually called something like "high mountain tea"), but I get it when I travel to Asia or from friends and family, so I don't know what it costs to order online or where else they sell it. If you want something a bit different you can get some Kirkland brand green tea and cold-steep it in the fridge overnight for a refreshing drink the next day, and if you ever want something caffeine-free you can try barley tea (although if I remember right this was an acquired taste for me).

For cold tea, I like rooibos and barley tea. Roasted green tea (hojicha) is also good hot or cold. These are all fine from tea bags imo, if you're drinking it like water. For hot loose leaf tea as far as setup goes I have a kyusu and T-fal kettle with variable temperature settings. Not too much of an investment.

I live in Japan but green tea isn't my favorite. If I'm not just drinking a teabag of Earl Grey or something I have a stash of Lapsang Souchong which probably sounds fru-fru but it's really just this robust black tea. It was said to be Churchill's favorite. It's definitely mine.

I can't describe the taste well. Some call it bacon tea but that's not quite right. It's not that easy to find but you can find it. I keep mine in a Ziploc bag and that bag in a metal tin, just to contain the aroma, which always gets a snide comment from my wife if she smells it.

Loose leaves, get one of those one-cup tea steepers or just a small pot if you're thinking of a few cups at a sitting.

Edit: This tea is hated by many people.

Silver needle white tea is fantastic, if you're still looking for recommendations.

I'd really recommend you try cold brewing at least once. Fill a water bottle or jar with room temp water, add tea/tea bag and let sit overnight. Get a lot more of the non bitter flavours to shine through.

Re loose leaf, I usually get it because it is cheaper (although the boutique expensive stuff is sold in this form as well), but I just leave it loose in the cup and just toss the last quarter to avoid eating the leaves. Boutique stuff is a good gift to receive but I never buy it for myself

I'd like to offer that after years of hating that nothing hits quite like a cold beer at the end of the day, I discovered that a glass of cold milk actually does. At least for me.

I like chamomile tea, and decaf green tea.

I also like anise, black tea for caffeine, etc. I'd recommend going to an indian or middle eastern grocery store as teas there are usually way cheaper than at the standard supermarket. And yeah, teabags are fine. Don't believe the snobs.

Caffeine is a problem for me due to what is apparently wacky physiology on my part but a variety of green tea called kukicha solves that problem. It's made from the stems, rather than the leaves of the plant. Very much green tea without the caffeine.

oh I just buy decaf. haven't heard of kukicha but I might try it.

Whether it's worth it to get a "setup" vs teabags is really more about how much of a tea snobgourmet you want to be. If you try some fancy looseleaf that's a named variety from China and decide you really like that better, go ahead and invest more. But it's okay if you can't taste the difference and want to stick with the teabags available at the grocery store.

Can't you just get something like this for single cup use?

I use these all the time if I'm making tea for <3 people.

What is "the whole setup"?

Buying loose tea can be worth it, but it costs more. You get more variety to choose from, and somewhat stronger flavors.

I lost my job this Monday. Officially my job was outsourced to contractors. But I feel the bigger problem is I had no political cover.

I have a suspicion that the contractors that replaced me might have paid off an employee on the inside. It feels so paranoid to say that, but people also told me I was paranoid 9 months ago when these contractors were hired. Once I was kicked out and the contractors were in the employee that I think they paid off left the same day.

My initial emotions were close to relief. The axe that was hanging over my head finally dropped. Now there is some mix of anger and resignation. I feel like I am often on the losing side of office politics. Some of my anger has me wanting to get back at the organization's president, I've heard rumors of him being an unwitting Russian or Hungarian asset. Which would be funnier if it wasn't so real.

Doing alright now, thinking of doing contracting work in the near future.

It happens. The next job is always better.

In my experience (both second-hand and personal), getting pushed-out of a job you don't like is often a very positive thing - essentially a "blessing in disguise."

I’m really sorry that happened.

Was this purely about intra-office politics, or did they suspect you of being a wrongthinker?

It was a libertarian think tank. We were all wrong thrinkers.

Well, having been outsourced to a contractor, you can tell the next libertarian think-tank that you're walking the walk, not just talking the talk!

Anybody here take supplemental mushrooms? Not the trippy kind, but like lion's mane and such that are supposed to help with general functioning?

I occasionally take mushroom extracts.

If I take Red Reishi or Tiger Milk before bed it tends to improve sleep (falling asleep faster, vivid dreams, and better recall of dreams).

If I take Cordyceps in the morning I'll sometimes feel a mild energy boost for a few hours. It feels somewhat like a milder version of caffeine.

hmmm I'd like to try some of those.

Where do you buy them?

/r/NootropicsDepot

Scott talks about them in the article: https://www.astralcodexten.com/p/how-trustworthy-are-supplements

I've taken the mushroom coffee before, it definitely had a gentle effect, but they changed the flavor and made it worse so I only bought it twice (I had the kind that comes in the kcups, this was probably 4 years ago?)

What if I mix it with my real coffee?

I don't have any comments on supplements in general, but I do want to be that guy and remind you of the following:

The cornerstones of good health are:

  1. Diet
  2. Exercise
  3. Hydration
  4. Reliable and consistent sleep
  5. Life patterns that manage stress well.

After you have all of that settled, then supplements can make sense.

Again, I'm not assuming you don't have those things together - In large part, I'm talking to my younger self here. It's just that I've seen quite a few men between 25-40 decide that some supplement is going to cure all their ills. They over focus on it and become the male equivalent of woo woo astrology chicks.

Happy supplement hunting. Remember to lift.

Supplements are fun dummy. I don't care about health I just want to explore!!!

Then this is objectively the best supplement program for you

The FDA can indeed fuck my dick in my ass. Love it.

I have been thinking about doing a 3-7 day water fast.

Does anyone here have any experience doing something like this?

I have done three extended fasts in the last five years. I'll give a quick overview below. If anyone is interested in more details, please let me know and I'll create a full-on effort post.

Note: All of these fasts were 'proper' fasts, i.e. zero calories were consumed during the fast. I drank water (with electrolytes added), black coffee, tea and zero-calorie soft drinks throughout. Nothing else. The main purpose of fasting in each case was weight loss.

Fast 1: 26 days, of which the last 7 days were not only zero calorie, but also zero liquids! Yes, I know that sounds unbelievable, but it's true. I lost 18kg during the fast.

Fast 2: 40 days. Lost about 20kg during this fast.

Fast 3: 75 days. This was by far the most successful fast. Not only did I lose 30kg, but I kept it off for the better part of a year.

In my experience, fasting absolutely works. I had plenty of energy for ordinary activities, such as work, hobbies, etc. The physical part is not hard and I very rarely 'felt hungry'. The hard part was psychological.

To sum up, if you are significantly overweight then zero-calorie fasting is surprisingly easy, but your mind will fuck with you. The most important stage is the post-fast period, when you need to muster your forces to keep from sliding back into your old habits that made you fat in the first place. My third fast (which ran from May to July 2023) resulted in me hitting my target weight and keeping it off until the end of the year. Unfortunately, since the start of 2024 I have started gaining weight again (about 12 kg so far) and will probably be doing another fast again soon. If so, I will document it here.

May I ask what pur BMI/fat percentage was before the fast(s)?

Also how did you do refeeding?

For more context: I am a man, 1m85 tall (6'1") with a medium build. At the start of my third fast I was 58 years old and weighed 109.2kg (241 lbs). After 75 days I had lost 30.1kg (66 lbs) and weighed 79.1kg (174 lbs). At that weight I look healthy and slim, but not 'skinny'. I have no idea what the BMI or fat percentages are. The vast majority of weight lost was clearly fat. I assume some muscle was lost too, but I don't care about that since if you are 30kg overweight your number one priority should be losing all that blubber.

Re refeeding: I did not do refeeds during the fast. As I said in my original post, this was a zero-calorie fast. I consumed zero calories during the entire 75-day period. After the fast ended, I started eating very cautiously: bouillon, broth, salads, very small portions of meat and vegetables.

As you can imagine, after not eating for 75 days your stomach 'shrinks' and it does not take much food to feel full. At this stage, the main concern is not to let yourself slide back into the habit of overeating.

Thanks for your reply and your experiences!

BMI is short for Body Mass Index. Its your weight in kilograms divided by the square of your height in meters. In your case 109.2/(1.85^2)=31.91

BMI is medical screening tool used to categorize people by the healthyness of their body weight. 18.5-25 is normal/healthy weight, 25-30 is overweight, 30-35 is obesity, and so on. Your most recent fast took you from obesity (31.91) to normal/healthy weight (23.11).

Body fat percentage is literally what it sounds like, the percentage of the body that is fat. There are plenty of ways to measure this and most half decent modern digital scales can give you a reasonable estimate. Some people prefer this to BMI, as it can be more accurate if you have an unusual body or if you're competing in certain sports.

Thanks for the information. Sorry, I wasn't clear in my reply: I know what the concepts of BMI and body fat percentage are, I just hadn't calculated them for myself. :) In any case, thanks for doing the calculations for me. If you want any more information about my experience with fasting, feel free to ask!

Man, I thought it was a bit strange that someone wouldn't know what BMI is but who am I to judge? Rereading your post I know realise that you wrote "I have no idea what *the* BMI or fat percentages are." rather than "I have no idea what BMI or fat percentages are."

...

As for the fast I think I'm mostly ready to roll for when my wife and kids are going to stay with her parents at their countryside home for a week in a couple of weeks. It seems like it will be easier to do this when I'm not having to cook meals for the family that I don't get to eat ;)

Yes, it is much easier of you don't have to cook meals for the family. I live on my own, but have shared custody of my young daughter, so I did have to cook for her when she was with me, but it was doable. Having to cook daily for a family would be much harder.

The two key pieces of advice I would give are 1) keep yourself very busy, ideally doing real things in real life, and 2) stay off the Internet, since it is easy to start going on recipe sites, watching food videos, etc.

By the way, the first time I did a fast, my goal was not to do 10 days or 20 days, it was to do 2 days. Then after 2 days, I realised that it wasn't that difficult, so I decided to add an extra day, and then I added anther day and so on.

I have been doing it couple of times. Not a big deal if you stay hydrated. The first 72 hours are hard. After that it is bearable. The refeeding is the only challenging part.

I did seven days a few years ago. Supplemented with some electrolyte water and IIRC two fish oil capsules per day. Days 1-3 were easy. Day 4 I felt like I was dying and considered going to the hospital. Days 5-7 I was basically functional but just wanted to be lying down all the time. Spent those days making exhaustive lists of all the things I wanted to eat. Couldn't think of anything but food.

Lost about 22 pounds, of which I think maybe half were actual bodyweight. Hopefully not too much of that was muscle.

That sounds like pretty extreme weight loss. How much did you drink?

Well I was starting from about 250 pounds. Drank a lot of water throughout. But a lot of that loss was water weight (from glycogen storage) and a few pounds was probably just gut chaff.

I've done proper water fasts twice now. I wouldn't recommend doing anything less than 5 days because the switching cost from glucose to full ketose is the hardest part.

The last one was 10 in total but only 7 of those was water only. The last three days I've supplemented with broth.

For me I'm unable to participate in activities that require physical energy while I'm in the mode but mental energy is high throughout.

You can greatly accelerate the process of burning up your glucose with a workout or even a long walk. I like a roughly three hour hike with moderate elevation gain.

Have you only consumed water or have you supplemented with anything and/or allowed yourself things like tea/coffee?

Only water. I usually drink mate tea once per day but when doing those fasts, I also quit that aspect of my life.

I've read that one shouldn't do unsupervised fasts for more than 7-10 days, so that's why I did the last one with 7 days only water and days of broth as supplementation.

I've been doing a spring equinox 2 day water fast, for a couple years. What are you looking to know?

Just general tips and information. When I looked online I encountered either a lot of woo or seemingly extreme caution and didn't want to wade through that.

What I'm looking for is a bit of reset and to jump start losing some weight, as well as just seeing if I can do it, but I don't want to make it unnecessarily hard or hurt myself.

As far as I've understood it, it should be safe unless you malnourished and if you slowly ease back into eating solid food afterwards.

No major/irreversible problems among my group. Hunger fades or at least becomes significantly more like food obsession than suffering after about a day. About the same time you'll usually get bad/off breathe smell (see ketosis breathe). You'll need a lot more water than you expect, food provides water both by being wet and by the fact carbohydrates produce water when used. I think it is a pretty good way to lose some weight in terms of willpower in to pounds out, but don't be surprised/disappointed when you gain half of it back again pretty quick. The lower salt levels cause you to retain less water so you'll gain that back when you get some salt. My friends have described reduced anxiety/less racing thoughts but I haven't noticed personally. I think while fasting their ADHD gets worse though.

As far as risks, if you usually have low blood pressure it can cause lightheadedness and if it is particularly bad probably fainting and possibly worse. In any case I'd avoid situations where your life depends on your physicality. One person's body didn't like the lack of salt and they had some bloody stool and diarrhea, but supplementing magnesium fixed it for them.

Why the spring equinox?

Setting up alternative holidays with my friend group that doesn't pull people away from family. In spring we do a fast and then everyone brings a dish or two to enjoy together

I went by the name /u/practical_romantic and am making a new account since some of my old friends know of my previous username and that is not alright. People here know me because I posted life updates weekly but barely took any action, I did take some action finally in life but that was in terms of

My career has been in limbo for a years time now. I was a terrible college student, I went to a decent CS program but never studied a day. My teachers hated me and I did not study since most of my peers did not study. In hindsight this was incredibly stupid as I simply spent more time surfing the internet than actually doing anything.

Posting about this stuff is hard because even if I am not at fault (I am), I still have to fix stuff. I do not know programming at all, I mean I know a little but I am 24 and I am stuck in my home again for the coming month, none of this is good. My parents despite their best intentions actively hate me. They hate that I do not like watered down starvation food that they grew up on, the fact that I want to not hang out with other people here as they have no ambition outside of this small town in urban rajasthan or that I do not want to get a low paying job here as that is a one way ticket to hell. You end up working 80 hour week for some boss who wants you to churn out shitty javascript code and pay you less than 1k USD a month, what is even worse that the people who start out this way pretty much never make out of this.

My life changed for the worse last year when I accepted a co founder role at a startup. My co founder and I basically did no work till June, we got another co founder, I went with him to Thailand and came back a few days ago. My co founder wants me to hop on concerta but the psychiatrists here wont fucking recommend it stating that I will get bone marrow issues because of it.

I am just depressed, I have only felt pain and suffering since 14. Cram schools, my uni where my peers hated me for not wanting to become another leetcode junkie and now my startup where I am not even sure what is next. I was doing non tech stuff before but will at least get to code which is always good since at least then I can get remote jobs that can pay me well. Life is not that bad but I can do so much more, I would earlier tell myself that I am not smart enough but that is because the opposite being true is far more damming.

My house is still my biggest issue. My parents hate me actively. Every single day they keep asking me about where my paycheck is coming from, telling me to stay away from girls and how I am fortunate to live in the city that we live in. This is beyond delusional. My mother got into a fight with me because I did not want to do a masters. A masters in what, why, when, she had no clue but wants me to do it because others do it. My adhd gets the same treatment, "oh, you are just lazy, just focus harder". It is not that easy, if it were I would not have actively wrecked my life because I do not want to or like wrecking my life actively. I could have studied german and flown out for an undergrad there but my parents did not want me to leave their house.

Little backstory, my family is from the landed aristocracy here but since this is India, last place any sane person would want to live in, random people started firing court cases over all our property, leading to my family fighitn cases for the past 70 years. My house is an extremely sad place to be in. My brother has the same issues as me but is markedly stupid, far far lower IQ which makes things even worse as anything bad done by him is also my fault as I am not doing well in life. I move to a smaller town next month and have been prescribed time off by my co founder. I just want to post how I feel without risking anyone I know finding out about this. You cannot be weak in front of the world after all. I lost 12 kgs (28 lbs I guess) and weigh 145 lbs (66 kgs) at 6 foot now. My parents still scream at me for recommending that they eat more meat since indian diets were based around starvation so in their heads, meats are not exactly healthy even though I lost more weight than they could despite them being obese.

Anyway, it is a shitty situation. I am afraid to even post here as I do not wanna get scolded on the internet. My parents think of my adhd issues as some people would react to their kid coming out as a homosexual back in the 90s on some movie. I am lazy but now what. Do I not even try to medicate. Will your behavior help me out because they raised two kids who both have similar issues. Jordan Peterson would often speak about why you should leave your parents' house as there are spirits there. On the surface this sounds childish yet it is very true in my case. My grandad and dad took up academic jobs in this town just for court cases and the only way we can even smell any of what is left of the estate is if my startup somehow takes off. I flunked 11th grade and then 12th the next year and still somehow was on time for my uni due to some academic miracles, I did really well in my entrance tests nationwide, the cram school I went to tout me as an example of what one can do if they never stop trying. But until I did that, for 2 straight whole years I would get screamed at and get called a failure daily, multiple times a day by my parents.

My liviing situation sucks. I took my dad to the psychiatrist today for concerta since I was on it a little bit in Chiang Mai and he just refused to believe that it is a real issue and made sure that the doctor does not prescribe me anything. Now, I am well aware of how bad life is without parents, I should be grateful for what I have yet I just feel vitriol. So much in my life has gone wrong, i am 24 now, I have no time left, my parents actively hate and scold me daily despite me being 24. It is still ultimately my life, no matter how much of what happened may be someone else' fault, I just wanted to rant for once. I can never tell others how bad it is here. No matter how happy my family looks on the outside, on the inside it is hell living here. The worst is that most of this is my fault, had I been a better person, I probably could have kept my family together. No one is getting divorced but my situation is grim. My younger brother is basically 5 iq points from being someone who went to special school, I love him to death but I cant lie about how difficult life is going to be for him.

My ma did come to my room apologetically now to get me to talk to her but I just hate life, i really do. In ways I envy most people here. There is not much to do here, advice for the future btw, do not agree to non-tech roles at a startup. You do not learn fuckall and if there are delays in shipping code, you are the one who gets blamed for everything wrong in the organisation. i will see another psych soon to get concerta, I hope I can get it, I have not been on the med for a month now actually but have to get it so that my co founder does not get pissed at me.

I have always avoided commenting on your posts because I don't like to give advice to people whose mental state I cannot categorize at some basic level. But I will chime in a bit.

Your stream of consciousness is coming off really badly. You keep obsessing about a couple of topics repeatedly. It really feels like you could use some chemical stabilization. Why are you conspiring so much with psychologists to get Ritalin? Isn't this stuff easily available in Thailand?

I strongly believe you would benefit from putting your family out of your mind for some decent amount of time. It is very difficult to change your parents' culturally ingrained behavior modes towards you. Even with best parents, 24yo guy living at home will lead to conflict. So be a man about it and leave. Stop thinking about your brother or your grandpa or your parents' relationship or whatever. That is a ridiculous way to spend your mental energy. Fix your own life first.

24 is not so young anymore but it is not a late age at all. Depending on your genetics and self care, you will likely not see too much body decay for the next 10-15 years or so. You should seriously stop obsessing so much about some bad decisions you made some years ago. Most people waste their teenage years in some way or another.

You shun doing any salaried work but you should realize that having some experience in the industry, connecting like-minded technically skilled people, having some cash savings, CV entries that can open you doors, being able to obtain bank loans based on your past financial history etc are quite significant benefits. You are very unlikely to succeed at creating a startup without any of these. It is easy to ridicule "leetcode junkies" but at the end of the day getting moderately good at programming has been an enormously high EV activity in the last decades if you lack the social skills necessary for most other high paying careers. Even if you don't get to a nice place and decide to start your own business later, it is very useful to observe possible gaps in an industry from inside.

I am very familiar with the backpacker/digital nomad paradise parts of 3rd world. They are often filled to the brim with 1st world losers/hustlers who are trying to do some sort of passport/living costs arbitrage (or worse). Most of these people fail but have a good time in the meanwhile. You should not try to imitate these people with your Indian passport and lack of backup funds. On the contrary, you have much better prospects as a young ambitious guy if you do the opposite move and move towards concentrations of economic activity instead of away from it.

Above all, good luck and remember that you are very very far away from the rock bottom.

Your stream of consciousness is coming off really badly. You keep obsessing about a couple of topics repeatedly. It really feels like you could use some chemical stabilization. Why are you conspiring so much with psychologists to get Ritalin? Isn't this stuff easily available in Thailand?

I am back home in India and my parents refuse to get me any medical help. I have to visit psychiatrists with them and they simply ask the psych to give me non med help as in their heads, these meds will kill me. Not making this stuff up, they are actively making my life worse.

I strongly believe you would benefit from putting your family out of your mind for some decent amount of time. It is very difficult to change your parents' culturally ingrained behavior modes towards you. Even with best parents, 24yo guy living at home will lead to conflict. So be a man about it and leave. Stop thinking about your brother or your grandpa or your parents' relationship or whatever. That is a ridiculous way to spend your mental energy. Fix your own life first.

Also why I am shifting post Diwali (November first week) out of my hometown so that I love alone in the same town as my co founder. Exit is the only solution when you have no voice

24 is not so young anymore but it is not a late age at all. Depending on your genetics and self care, you will likely not see too much body decay for the next 10-15 years or so. You should seriously stop obsessing so much about some bad decisions you made some years ago. Most people waste their teenage years in some way or another.

I dont trust myself anymore since if I can waste 14-24, what is stopping me form wasting 25-35. It sounds bad but I have to be honest with myself and act differently now in order to ensure I am doing things daily and not wasting my life away. I know many waste their teenage years but in my case, I have never done anything in my life besides be online.

it is very useful to observe possible gaps in an industry from inside

My main concern right now besides building our first MVP is getting skills where I can deploy things from scratch so that I can then be eligible for remote jobs. Many people I know work at American startups on the basis of having shipped in the past and I know enough people to the point where I have far better odds of having an offer simply because I can get referred. You are correct, having some money and skills that can give me a monthly income will help a lot. I am not doing the leetcode work a 9-5 in an office thing because the payoff is terrible. In India it means you work 9-5 for 6 days and get paid 2k USD a month living in Bangalore which is depressing in its own way as most never leave that place. I would ideally like to make my startup work and be employable on the side or due to making. Just having the skills alone would make me far less anxious.

I am very familiar with the backpacker/digital nomad paradise parts of 3rd world. They are often filled to the brim with 1st world losers/hustlers who are trying to do some sort of passport/living costs arbitrage (or worse). Most of these people fail but have a good time in the meanwhile. You should not try to imitate these people with your Indian passport and lack of backup funds. On the contrary, you have much better prospects as a young ambitious guy if you do the opposite move and move towards concentrations of economic activity instead of away from it.

Certainly, most people who are doing really well would not be found in SEA backpacking. Sure I met some interesting people but there is a ceiling to that too. San Francisco would have way more interesting people doing stuff I aim to do. SEA seemed like a weird place where Westerners came to save money. I met one guy who made decent money, he is 21 and was there on a short vacation. From what I gathered by hanging out with many, even the tourists who come here are not the most successful people.

I moved to Thailand temporarily because it is a much better quality of life than India. I am back now and will move to the second largest town in my state, my hometown being the largest or maybe out of the country again if we can smell some money. I mentioned Bali because in the meantime it offers a better quality of life for cheap but the distractions might not be worth it.

I have always avoided commenting on your posts because I don't like to give advice to people whose mental state I cannot categorize at some basic level. But I will chime in a bit

Nice username! I appreciate inputs, I cannot see life neutral observers can. Posting here has been the only redeeming thing I have ever done in terms of screen time usage.

Above all, good luck and remember that you are very very far away from the rock bottom.

Yeah, just have to keep swimming. Posting here should help if I only post stuff that I did in my past week instead of stuff I wished to do or whatever. I am not at rock bottom but i am far from where I want to be. Appreciate the inputs pal!

I read all of your posts on this site; I must admit I experience a bit of schadenfreude when reading your woe-is-me posts. But I'm not completely cruel. Reading your posts about living in Thailand made me feel very excited and happy for you. It sounded like you were having the time of your life over there. You put too much pressure on yourself to be successful. You hold yourself to this ideal of what you think you should be and as an outside observer it just seems so exhausting. My advice is to strongly consider going back to Thailand. Go back and continue to explore the social connections you made. Take a year; hell, take six months. It's not the end of the world or the end of your career to do it. And you might find that what you think really matters now doesn't actually matter all that much. You're a young guy, you have plenty of time to be miserable. Go back to Thailand and embrace that experience of feeling good that you so clearly had.

I know that you won't listen to this advice. But really, take a second and think about it.

Well, my ex roomate was the one carrying the finances and with him leaving thailand, I cannot go back so that is that. My other co founder and I will finally start working for real which is why I am shifting to another town here. Once I can have some semblance of money coming in, I would move out as soon as I can to some other location.

My main concerns in life are

  1. Skills, particularly technical ones
  2. Money, mostly a regular source I can get 3-5k USD out of without having to sell my soul or time

Now, my other co founder has an e commerce thing so I am hoping that I can get some money from that and then spend time working on my startup, get enough skills to be employable on my own and then try to shift to bail or some place. If my startup takes off then that is even better but this is the scenario I hope for. I am taking the month off and just reading because even my co founder realised that I was in stress.

I would love to go back but I cannot. I came back because I relaised that my roommate would not work as much as we should and was working on an idea that I did not even like or think would work out, what is even worse that since I was not the code guy, whenever things would go wrong, I would get blamed.

One big thing I loved there was that I could just do what I wanted to, I could visit nightclubs and talk to girls, something I genuinely really really like. It is the one thing I could act on since I could not work on something else living off of someone else's dime, I could not work out or do any combat sports since I had a partial tear in my right shoulder a few months ago. Sure I get chastised for it but I like meeting random girls, flirting with them and having a good time. I dont drink, I did do drugs for a few days in Pai where I was visiting for a week but no more.

You're a young guy, you have plenty of time to be miserable

I am not that young though, 24-25 is not young, I have 5 years before I hit 30, more than that neuroplasticity sets in and after an age you are not youthful anymore. I want to make the most of my youth, whatever remains of it. I will try to move to Bali once I get some money coming in, if all goes well, maybe the US. I can remember being 14 and instead of actually studying, I chose surfing the internet, a decision that I regret daily as it became a habit, like smoking, where whenever something bad would happen or if I needed to work on something, I would just take the easy way out. I can tell myself that maybe I am not meant to do anything computer related but that is a cope too since everything is kinda boring in the initial few days, you get good and things become fun, I never crossed that threshold so it is important I do so now.

I appreciate the advice and your intentions. I want to post weekly updates here and pray to god that I succeed with my startup stuff this time.

24-25 is not young, I have 5 years before I hit 30, more than that neuroplasticity sets in and after an age you are not youthful anymore.

LOL

Ed:

If you are actually looking to improve your tech prospects I'd suggest moving to someplace that's, like -- got a lot of tech stuff/startups going on?

Thailand has a lot of lazy expat partiers and/or sex pervs looking to indulge those habits on the cheap, and Bali is much the same but with more Australians -- fun as these places might be, they will not help your career development.

I will try to move to the US soon if I can. Bali is great, ultimately i want to visit the US as a tech guy running his own thing since that is the Florence of tech startups of today, SF I mean but in the meantime, if I can visit bali, it would be fun. Really cute girls there too, partying, from around the world.

Thailand had so many sex pervs man, quite insane. I went there because pieter levels recommended chaing mai as its cheap, safe and very clean, amazing for a digital nomad. I miss that place though, so many memories, I feel like a grown up now in ways because I lived there, away from parents and in a different nation, first time leaving my country.

I am not that young though, 24-25 is not young

This is a matter of perspective. I said the exact same thing about myself when I was 25, but looking back now (I'm 39) that age seems very young to me. I realize why you say this (I said it myself, lol), but try to reframe your perspective if you can.

I am worried that I will just end up being this way at 40 and that will be worse than death in all honesty. Another year of this and I am done.

I don't have any useful advice, but I just thought I'd say: that sucks, bro, and I hope things get better for you.

Appreciate the advice buddy. I hope for the same, I dont wanna die or get old without having done stuff I want to do.

Can I recommend you read "The Now Habit" as a non-drug aid for the ADD problems?

Will do, I will read jordan Petersons books (12 rules for life and beyond order). Will certainly add this to my kindle and read it asap, I have time off and would just read stuff in it so that I can unwind. Babystepping this stuff daily should help.

What are you hoping to get from posting here, friend?

It helps me think out loud and get some frustration out. I go through my life never telling anyone how I feel, anonymously I can be myself. My parents did try to pamper me but it is not a good environment to be in long term. I will leave in a months time.

You don't have to leave. Just curious.

I am not leaving this place, by leaving I meant my home. I have been sad ever since I can remember my life, I am super fun and outgoing when people see me yet that is not me most of the time. If you fuck up enough times, life gets too complex, to the point where you cannot solve it, I think I am nearly at that point.

I don't think that you're anywhere near that point my friend, although I do agree that people can get there. Trust me though you're nowhere near rock bottom. I've seen a lot of people at or near rock bottom.

Don't trust your memories. I've struggled with depression. It tricks your brain into thinking you were never happy, which is a lie. Go on anti-depressants if you haven't tried them already. They get a lot of shit but they can help quite a bit if you're motivated to work through your issues.

Good luck, and godspeed.

I have lifestyle issues more than just depression where your brain fucks with you. If with a snap of my fingers, I got all the technical know how and a steday source of money, some progress on my startup stuff, I would instantly be happy so just ssris wont fix this. I will just start small for now, keep stacking things on my routine.

I was making progress in life when I had a routine so that is a good place to start. Will read Jordan Peterson and implement some stuff he recommends as a starting point to make sure I am taking some action in life. Cleaning your room, having a routine, tracking stuff you do daily, meditating, avoiding screens (surfing in particular), working out, getting enough rest etc should help me feel better in a weeks time.

If with a snap of my fingers, I got all the technical know how and a steday source of money, some progress on my startup stuff, I would instantly be happy so just ssris wont fix this.

Seconding @TheDag on this. It's very common for people to say "if only I had X I would be happy", get the thing, and then find out that they still aren't happy. Happiness really is a function of mindset more than external circumstances.

One thing you can try to work on to increase happiness is to try practicing gratitude. Focus as much as you can on the good side of things rather than the bad, and consciously make an effort to be grateful for those good things. At first it will be hard and require a conscious effort, but with practice it will get easier as your mind forms the habit. And eventually, it will help with your overall happiness as you are able to appreciate your current life situation more, no matter what it is.

Gratitude stuff never worked for me tbh. I resonated much more with allowing myself to feel whatever emotion I was feeling

With gratitude I always ended up beating myself up for not feeling it hah.

This is true, yet I am only happy when I am progressing in life. Right now, being skillless and pennyless hurts me a lot, it wont make me super happy or grateful like meditation does but at least then I can not be sad and have something to work on. Obviously I need to feel better to even start working but I will feel way better, maybe not happier but at least I will not hate myself. I will feel like a grown up, feel like I am actually 24 instead of 14 in many ways.

If with a snap of my fingers, I got all the technical know how and a steday source of money, some progress on my startup stuff, I would instantly be happy so just ssris wont fix this.

I don't mean to be cruel, but I don't think this is true my friend. In my experience these sorts of external things often do not make for true happiness. It takes a change in the way you process the world and your relationships.

Peterson is a good place to start, I agree. Good luck.

Sure but the removal of bad life decisions would at least make me not unhappy. I cannot be happy if my life is falling apart which it has. I am ambitious so not having the skills to match that is not a fun way to live.

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