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PaperclipPerfector  4mo ago (text post)   2230 thread views

Wellness Wednesday for July 24, 2024

The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:

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  • Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.

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I keep getting weeks of wet cough with a huge amount of mucus (with no other apparent symptoms) after each instance of respiratory illness. This has been happening for over a year. Could I please get some suggestions for what this might be and maybe working around it? Currently uninsured, so seeing a specialist is out for the moment.

Eh, I've got a personal story to share.

A few months ago, I ran into someone at the pub I'm a regular at and worked for during the span of a festival. She was tall with grey eyes and a strong jaw, a spacey stare-right-at/past-you expression and a throaty dreamy voice with a tiny hiss in it; a few sideways teeth. Kinda Debra Morgan-looking. She was also a regular and barbacked occasionally, otherwise she did merch distribution at festivals and venues. We both sperg'd out on eachother about this-or-that subject. Her stuff was Electric Cello, Cannibalism, Fullmetal Alchemist deep lore (what the fuck is Father? Our conclusion: the closest analogy would be a luciferian fallen angel). We were talking about Tieflings throughout the editions and character trope stuff, I said I like the Half-monster-guy-who-hunts-monsters-and-is-conflicted-about-it schtick, like Hellboy. Turns out Hellboy is her favorite/comfort movie that she throws on when she's down. I immediately know why. She shares some music she's working on with me, says she hasn't shown it to anyone else, even her best friend. Says I'm easy to talk to. Says she'd wondered if she'd run into me that night. I'm more a Show, Don't Tell sort of person, but I'm obviously internally smitten. In case you can't catch the hint, she's not 100% neurotypical. Neither am I. I mean, I post here.

I got her phone number so she could tell me when she'd be doing a cello set somewhere, but her set didn't pan out and she didn't reply past that, so I didn't keep at it, but she kept Liking my instagram posts (nature/wildlife/bugs and RPG sessions).

She posts about going to a House of the Dragon S2 watch party at another bar for her birthday, and I formulate a plan: Turn up at that party and give her a laser-guided gift. I have an extra copy of the Hellboy paperback that's the main source for the film (she hasn't read the comics). Inside the front cover, I write "all us freaks have is each other" (Like I said, I know why we both love the film, and DelToro in general). I also fire up my filament printer and print out three full-size tooth faeries from Hellboy 2 in blueish-green plastic, assemble them, and color in the eyes and teeth. (This isn't that big of a project for me; I've played Warhammer in the past)

I turn up to the watch party, which is full of goddamn Kneelers who shout "woo, matriarchy!" which causes me pain. But it's still a decent time, a kid gets his head hacked off. Afterwards I run into her; she'd arrived after me and I intentionally wasn't looking for her during the episode. But we both make a big deal of running into eachother. I run back to my car and come back with a cardboard box full of faeries. She loves them, she's cooing over how cute they are, how they all have different heads, she's giving them names, she's showing them off to everyone around her. She spontaneously hugs me when she sees the dedication inside the book.

As an amusing aside, after the watch party this bar had an open-mic stand-up event. And everyone was terrible. Like, reddit-tier generic terrible. There were boos and groans. Some boilerplate edgy jokes (I think one guy joked about Gays for Palestine getting thrown off of buidings. It was just fucking inept). At first I think this is a huge windfall; I'm actually funny. But it'd be hours before I could get on and school these fools. My crush and her crowd get up to head to a different bar, because they're so affronted. I'm invited along, even though I'm slightly worried about the prissy reaction, I steadfastly hold to their work being bad because it's bad, not because its offensive.

The company my crush keeps is slightly worrisome to me. Many are fat feminists of the "Men, amirite?" sort, but I don't have the impression they're close friends, just acquaintances. I later find out that she's a preacher's daughter and was an activist from an early age, part of OG Occupy (she's in her early 30s, I'm in my mid-30s). I carefully talk around the subject and express my own frustration that activism these days is more about being seen having the right opinions and hating the right people than furthering a worthy cause, which seems to resonate with her a bit. There's a careful future conversation to be had, but at least she remembers a time before IdPol infected every cause.

She goes outside to smoke and asks if I'd like to join her. She smokes American Spirit; the same cigs I smoke, which I only do socially (too much time at bars in the smoker's pen; that's where all the cool people and cool conversations are) They last forever. She talks about how she loves pretending she's in a noir story when she smokes. I ask "Yes, but in this context, who's the jaded alcoholic detective and who's the dangerous dame?" She smiles as I take a cig, I reach for a lighter, but she beats me to it. "Pretty people don't light their own cigarettes" she says, with that same smile.

A few minutes later, I kiss her. We spend a little time just holding eachother, enjoying the closeness, and head back inside.

The evening continues. I try not to monopolize my crush and let her hang with the rest of the people there. We go back outside for another cigarette, I kiss her again, she pulls away a bit when I get over-enthusiastic, we talk more, I decide to dial it back. Typically my conversations with women are like pulling teeth; I ask open-ended questions and get yes-or-no answers. They never volunteer information or start a topic or ask me about myself or even talk about themselves; I get the impression that they're playing dead to make me go away. Maybe that's just what normal people are like. This evening isn't normal, we're chatting. She says things that surprise me, which is disappointingly rare in my interactions with people. We can talk about stories and ideas and random science facts. She gets my jokes. She makes her OWN jokes. We're both creative in our own ways. She talks about her job, how it forced her to learn social skills, which is something she struggled with for a long time; she's had to put the effort into learning stuff that other people seem to just do without thinking. The feels feel so feel I have to fight to stop my eyes from getting wet. I'm very much being hit where I live.

My crush starts mentioning how tired she is, people have been buying her drinks all day. I note she's acting even spacey-er than she typically is, and resolve to not push for anything. I also find out she's just landed an awesome tour contract where she'll be handling merch at a succession of festivals all summer and autumn; she'll be gone for six months, and she's got to pack tomorrow. But there's a few shows that are happening in the city, so she'll be back in town a few times.

People start clearing out, she's very tired, she talks about calling an Uber. I offer to drive her and save her $10, since my car is nearby and I haven't had any drinks for a few hours. We walk back to my car arm-in-arm, all cutesy and formal. There's hand-holding. There's continued verbal telegraphing of tiredness, and she's not escalating anything. I get her back to her place, unload the box of faeries, kiss her one last time and say "I wish we had more time together," then leave. Send a text the next day expressing how great it was getting to know her, how nice a time I had, how I'll miss her and hope to get together again when she's back in town.

A day later, I receive a reply:

Just so you know, I'm unhappy that you made out with me while I was drunk. That wasn't how I wanted my birthday to go, and I'm really upset about it.

I reply saying I'm sorry, I might have rushed things when I realized you'd be leaving town for a while, how would you like me to comport myself towards you in the future? I'm trying to say "If you never want to hear from me again, please just say that." I never receive any further reply. She hasn't unfollowed me on instagram; I've hidden her posts so I don't see them unless I go looking, so as to avoid further pain. I'm confused in addition to shattered; is there a rule that you're not allowed to flirt with women when it's their birthday? She wasn't so drunk that she couldn't have cogent conversations about wide-ranging topics, I sure as hell felt encouraged. I thought I was being gallant by not asking if she'd like to show me her place or otherwise head inside for "coffee" or to see etchings. Fuck, how much worse would this have been if I had?

I wonder where those tooth faeries are now. Thrown out? In a box in a closet? I can't imagine her scattering them on shelves like she planned if they're just going to remind her of that time she got molested.

This is what my life is like. Nothing ever, ever works out, and whenever I think I'm making an emotional connection with someone, reality itself seems to realize a mistake has been made and steps in to correct things. I have a day or two of emotional torment as I accept that I am going to continue to be alone and to feel arbitrarily alienated. I am not allowed to do the things regular people are allowed to do. I don't get to be human. If I try, even other weirdos reject me once they sober up and invent new rules regarding birthdays.

Someone else in this thread complained that a girl didn't text him back, and I thought to myself "Hold my beer."

Edit: I appreciate the condolences, but I kinda despair at the caliber of some of the replies, and its damaged my view of the remaining userbase of this place. I don't need regurgitated /r/Redpill advice about shit tests. I'm lucky enough to have spent most of my (albeit limited) intimate time with women in actual relationships with another human being that I like and respect and who likes and respects me, instead of some retarded power game with a bratty child. You can miss me with that gay shit.

Actual woman here (although not the woman in question), and my read is that although you had the best of intentions, this one was kinda on you. Why did you kiss her the second time in the same evening without any positive feedback from her, and the third time after substantial negative feedback from her (saying she'd like to call an Uber, mentioning too many people buying her drinks, telegraphing tiredness)?

First kiss definitively declared your sexual interest and established you as a confident guy who's comfortable taking the initiative. At that point, initiating more kissing, unless she's first initiated some reciprocal physical move toward you entirely of her own accord, adds no new information and risks tilting it over to "dude is overly aggressive and may or may not think he's bought himself a BJ with some figurines." You seem to be interpreting her passive compliance with handholding/ getting in the car/ being kissed/ etc. as encouragement, but plenty of women and especially preacher's-daughters-turned-leftist-activists were intensively socialized to be polite and go along when people demand interaction in social situations, particularly after somebody gave them a present. Then, at least in the normal social argot of the girls I know, "God I'm tired/ I've had too many drinks" is an expression of vulnerability, cue to visibly set aside your own goals and switch into gallant caretaking mode, "Cool, and you have a busy day tomorrow, so let's get you home safe, can I call an Uber? Is your friend around?" and then chastely load her in the cab with a squeeze of the hand and text the next day to say you enjoyed the evening, like Tom Hanks would do in a 90s romcom.

Note, this is a perfectly honest misunderstanding and I'm not trying to be harsh, more to address your fatalistic "why am I not allowed to do things regular people do??" This doesn't seem like anything wrong with you or her, just colliding sets of instincts, like you might see any day with a toddler feeding squirrels.

Major bummer dude.

I don't think this was a shit test, I think another red-pill unpleasant truth applies: "What they hate, hate, hate hate hate, hate with a hatred hotter than a thousand suns, is that some guy whom they had sex with turns out to be substantially less alpha than they thought."

In this case I think she just wasn't that in to you, but with since she was drunk and it was her birthday and she probably felt like she should let loose (or perhaps she was feeling sad and vulnerable, who knows birthdays can bring out weird feelings) she was open to kissing you. But then in the sober light of the next day she moderately regretted it. Sorry :-/

This is what my life is like. Nothing ever, ever works out,

FWIW, the girls I "crushed" on never worked out even if I got a date with them. It's easier if you aim a little lower and go for the girls who are crushing on you, without you having to put in extraordinary effort.

Also I second 2frafa. A future wife isn't supposed to share all your interests, that's what your guy friends are for, and you will have enough common interests once you have a household together. And she isn't supposed to be manic pixie dream girl, that will get old.

It wasn't about sharing interests, it was about sharing not being normal. The shared interests are a side-effext of the shared experience of having to constantly put on a show to the rest of the world that you understand people when you really dont.

This is what my life is like. Nothing ever, ever works out, and whenever I think I'm making an emotional connection with someone, reality itself seems to realize a mistake has been made and steps in to correct things. I have a day or two of emotional torment as I accept that I am going to continue to be alone and to feel arbitrarily alienated. I am not allowed to do the things regular people are allowed to do. I don't get to be human.

Bro; this sucks. I'm an optimist about your ultimate outcomes, the male half of the dating pool is absolutely terrible, but I'm sure this was just fucking rough at the moment.

I was once at a new years event at a board game bar in Milwaukee, 2017. It was a wristband all-you-can-drink thing. At around 11:30, a small, delicate woman with dark hair and a bare, well-defined back sought me out and loudly said she "couldn't find her friend." I say, well, I'll help you find them. We exchange names, re-fill our drinks, chat, she asks me to dance, I say sure. She has to go to the bathroom first, asks me to hold her drink.

While I wait, a fat redhead gets in my face and demands to know who I am, who I'm with, what I'm doing here, do I know her (small woman's) name. I reply her name is [name], I'm holding her drink while she goes to the bathroom, give her a confused raised- eyebrow look. Small woman comes out, takes her drink and my hand, and pulls me to the dance floor, doesn't acknowledge fat redhead. This is great, I'm gonna get a new years kiss, possibly more, frankly I'm just happy to get this person home safe (I had ubered. It was hilariously cheap back then in Milwaukee). I had only just moved to the city, this could be my big break.

At 11:53, the redhead suddenly re-appears with security dudes that step between us, her shouting in my face "who are you with, what's her name" and the security dudes repeating "who are you with" and pulling me towards the door. [Name] has been spirited away by security, presumably to be given a foil trauma blanket.

I repeatedly say I'm with [name], where is she? No I didn't come here with anyone, is that a crime? Am I being kicked out or not? No they say, they just want to know who I'm with. This loops a few times, I'm not allowed to see [name], but I'm not kicked out, who am I with, no I'm not allowed to see [name]. I'm slightly drunk and very pissed off, so instead of roaring in the face of the fat redhead demanding to know why she seems to think I am undeserving of love, I leave. It's 11:59, and I ring in the new year stomping down the snow-dusted sidewalk of Milwaukee. How fucking dare I go to a bar alone and let people ask me to dance?

So no, it wasn't just rough in the moment. It's been rough for a while. It continues to be rough.

I haven’t read the replies yet but my two cents: give it a week and tell her she’s crazy - in a way that you feel and in your own words. And in a way that you’re doing so that you can have further connection. No back tracking or access ting hysterics. She’s either your type, or not.

Everyone knows she’s nuts … and she does too. She just needs to hear it. Shoot your shot.

This happened over a month ago, when season 2 of House of the Dragon premiered.

god, the absolute state of dating in current-year America. I don't know what to tell you man.

"My crush starts mentioning how tired she is, people have been buying her drinks all day"

Yes I can see how that must be exhausting for her.

Hello, fellow reasonable approximation of a human being.

Just spitballing - maybe she talked about it with her friends and they pressured her to go full feminist on the matter. Maybe she's a doormat who genuinely disliked the intimacy but went along with it to avoid confrontation. Maybe your perception of the whole evening is off by 90°. Who knows.

Overall, I have no advice to give.

That’s pretty fucked up, seems like a very weird message to send (if she was “really upset” why did she take your ride home etc etc).

I think sometimes you meet volatile people and even if you like them and they share your interests and hobbies it’s not a good idea. A bartender who smokes and works in merch distribution at music festivals / on tour is that kind of person, no matter how cool or temporally into you they seem to be, no matter how much they’re just like you fr fr. At best (and this is true regardless of sex) they’re a promiscuous dilettante with a bunch of unfinished creative projects who never grew up. At worst, they’re an emotional vortex that will suck you in and spit you out.

You think this is the kind of person you’re meant to be with; it isn’t.

At worst, they’re an emotional vortex that will suck you in and spit you out.

+1 on this @Skulldrinker. Speaking of spergs, we seem to have a built-in magnet for these kinds of people, and many of us had to learn the hard way to ignore it. Be one of the smart ones that learns it from others, instead of doing it the hard way.

Quick question, what does "Make out with" actually mean in 2024? I assume both you and she share the same meaning in your heads when she writes it and you read it. Like deep kissing? Heavy petting (is that a term anyone uses?)? Groping around underneath clothes?

Either way my humble advice would be to text something similar to "I'm sorry you feel that way. For my part I enjoyed spending time with you. Take care." Then delete this woman's contact information from every device you own and never, ever contact her again. You're probably attracted to the edginess and always will be, and hey aren't we all. But you don't want that kind of volatility in your life. Move on.

Open mouth kissing, no tongue. Some hands on back of head/neck. Hugging with full frontal contact.

Her message was a good sign! It sounds like a classic shit test. It's just a final check to see if you can stand up for yourself before she decides to date you. If she wasn't into you anymore, she would have just ignored you or waited for you to press the issue. She was provoking you to see if you'd show backbone.

A better answer would have been: "You're an adult, and you weren't that drunk. Don't play games.". I know this would feel like a 180 from your normal personality, but that's the point!

I once was on a relaxed second date with a very hot girl who was a little out of my league, hanging out in my room. I had had experiences like yours in the past and was expecting something similar. Almost on cue, the next time I tried to get her attention to talk, she ignored me to type on her laptop for 5-10 seconds. When she finally answered, I did something very unlike my normal personality: I warmly but firmly said something like, "You're being disrespectful, you need to leave for tonight." I said that I want to see her again but not any more tonight. She didn't even seem all that upset, and was a little shocked, but also almost pleasantly surprised. She came over again the next day and we had an intense affair until I moved away for school.

I know I must sound like an incredible ass, and you shouldn't take my word for it, but I'm normally an easygoing guy to the point of being overly passive. But I (finally) realized that you only have to show a backbone once or twice to make a girl feel comfortable around you indefinitely - but they usually won't feel comfortable until they've seen you do it - hence the need for shit tests.

I suppose a false rape accusation and tellling the police and all her friends as such would have been an even better sign, as a more classical, shittier, testier shit-test?

This would have given @Skulldrinker the exciting opportunity to really show his backbone by putting out that fire, and afterward show that’s he’s a Decent Human Being with empathy by not blaming her because she was, as a vulnerable 30plus-year-old woman, understandably STRESSED by the TRAUMA of them making out.

And then maybe she’d deign to give him another shot again, but if she didn’t it just means he wasn’t able to do the bare minimum of manning up and passing the shit-test with a high enough grade.

I don't get it - I agree that a more serious accusation would be unrecoverable, but she just said "I'm unhappy that you made out with me".

I'm also not sure what you're talking about in the second paragraph - this guy has already demonstrated all of the 'decent human being' virtues in spades.

And then maybe she’d deign to give him another shot again, but if she didn’t it just means he wasn’t able to do the bare minimum of manning up and passing the shit-test with a high enough grade.

Yes, that's what I'm claiming. I think it's actually not-totally-crazy behavior, either. It's similar to guys teasing each other partly to show that they can handle a bit of pressure / aggression.

A better answer would have been: "You're an adult, and you weren't that drunk. Don't play games."

This might work. Otoh, it might result in her telling all her friends that he sexually assaulted her and then turned into an abusive stalker.

I am so glad I am out of the dating game.

Wrong reply, sorry.

Dude, she accused me of molesting her. She's also a fucking sperg, in case you didn't pick that up from what I wrote. Even if that's a thing women do, she wouldn't.

Sorry for the double reply: she didn’t accuse you of molesting her and of course she would - she did!

Dude, she accused me of molesting her.

This is consistent with what I was saying - my point is that she's being obviously unreasonable!

She's also a fucking sperg

I also might be wrong about this, but my understanding from being a bit of a sperg myself is that things like the rules of attraction + most emotions are similar to everyone else, but with a layer of neuroticism and poor social skills on top.

Even if that's a thing women do, she wouldn't.

I personally spent way too long thinking that sufficiently smart women wouldn't require, or play, these kinds of games - thinking something like "If they are so un-self-aware as to play the normal BS social games, I'm not sure I want them anyways". I've also known a few amazing women that were self-aware enough to understand their own reactions, but even they still had the same requirements for attraction as the others. I think your dating experiences would make way more sense if consider that even sperg women have similar romantic responses and impulses as normal women.

Maybe this is the true meaning of red flags. Even if you really get along with someone, even if you feel like the positives could outweigh the negatives, no, it's not going to work if they have X. Even if they have Y and Z it doesn't fundamentally change things. Having X is all that needs to be said. IDK, I wasn't there obviously.

Brutal. Unfortunately, such coffee moments are not at all uncommon. Never good when her friends sound like female Redditors.

On the bright side, you didn't bang her so she (hopefully) can't accuse you of Rape by Deception ex post, for that you didn't disclose that you were a participant in a hive of scummy and villainous wrong-thinking witches that is The Motte.

It's darkly hilarious how she is certainly no stranger to drinks, as a barback, smoker, and general scene-girl. Ugh, how dare you take advantage of her? She was only in her early 30s and was clearly DRUNK.

Blown Saves and fumbled opportunities plague me far more than successful Saves and deal-sealing. It's like an extreme version of loss aversion and inverse endowment effect.

When I'm lying awake unable to sleep, I almost never get random horny memories about having banged or facialed some chick. However, I often do get invasive and intrusive memories about missed chances—even about chicks for whom I haven't thought about for years—situations where I should have been more aggressive from the beginning to get the bang ASAP to situations where the opportunity somehow slipped away (usually not due to my own actions, even upon distant reflection, but male hyper-agency and hyper-accountability and all).

I generally try not to kiss girls I haven't banged in a bar/club/party unless they kiss me first. If I've already made the move to kiss her in a venue, it gives her less plausible deniability as to "omg, one thing just led to another teehee" when it comes to pulling her back to my or her place for the bang.

My wife and I are streaming old episodes of Entourage at night. And two things stand out to me. First of all that every joke terrible movie within the show, notably Aquaman and Medellin has actually been made, Medellin became Narcos in real life. And both were exactly as stupid and terrible as they were in the show. Entourage was itself an aggressively stupid bro-show, and we live in a world that show considers a comical level of stupidity.

Second, it's amazing how sexual mores changed in the time from 2004, to even when I was in undergrad, to today. The characters routinely pay for sex, something I would have found disgusting to even contemplate, let alone hear one of my bros talk about openly. On the other hand, there's a debate about period sex, which we found to be a normal activity, and after a long layoff his girlfriend fobs him off with a period as an excuse, which would never fly for us. There's a whole episode built around threesomes, which are still a little risque, but hardly a big deal today.

We are all, in some ways at least, living in a world dumber and more disgusting than the most disgusting bros of 2004. And we're a nice married couple who own a home and work professional jobs in the suburbs.

Just wait until you rewatch the episode where Turtle misses his opportunity to get laid because he was shocked by a woman who shaved her pubic hair. That moment always stuck out to me as unrealistic; haven't women been waxing their pelvis since at least the 80s?

I wasn't having sex with anyone in 2004, but in media around that time it was treated as something of a new trend to fully remove pubic hair. There's a roughly contemporaneous episode of Sex and the City that involves Carrie goes to get waxed in LA (rather than her home in NYC) and is horrified that rather than a neat trim the waxer removes all her hair. And these were, reasonably, sluts.

Now I think even sexually staid women and even men do at least some pubic grooming.

The Atlantic says it was a 2000 episode. You were very close.

I wonder when getting rid of the male pubes became normalized. Back in 2007 even gays I knew said they only trimmed themselves.

The last time I was in a locker room would’ve been early 2010’s, and we made fun of guys who shaved down there.

>“fobs him off”

>”whole episode built around threesomes”

>”disgusting bros”

Have you by chance also been watching Succession recently?

Watched it a while back. I don't remember there being a threesome episode though?

Planned but unexecuted threesome between Tom, Shiv, and one of the help during the yacht episode. Also the episode where the title for Greg’s memoir was conceived, A Benign Fungus.

Ah see I just remember the Bachelor party episode as one of the more cutting views of PMC open relationship/Hall pass stuff.

..Perforated eardrums..

Can any ear doctors or people with relevant knowledge can advise on how to test out whether a perforated eardrum has healed or not ?

I don't usually hear whistling sound while doing the valsalva maneuver (fancy speak for holding your nose and blowing air into the ears/nasal cavity).

Seeing as there was a very high pitched whistling sound while blowing air through nose into the ear cavity following a painful ear episode, and a whistling that stopped when ear was plugged, i'm dead certain it is a perforated eardrum.

As blowing more air in there is probably not a good idea, how can I find out it's healed so I can clean* it more thoroughly and all that?

*ear cleaning for people with wet wax isn't as simple, getting the stuff out manually risks that some might stick at the end and possibly get stuck to the eardrum and cause an infection. Okay, I admit that it took 30 years of cleaning them with paper to get here, but after they heal I'll be putting a bit of oil in there and then rinsing them out with warm water in the shower.

Get an "elephant ear" spray bottle thingy off amazon. Start with diluted hydrogen peroxide, then spray out with warm water and a bit of white vinegar. Chunks may come out. Maybe oil afterwards, I haven't tried that part yet myself.

I had an ear infection a while ago that was caused by a horrible wax impaction against the eardrum. Now I've got wet earwax that has to be cleared out twice a week. If it gets worse again, I'll also be hitting a doctor.

Do you actually need to clean your ears?

I feel a bit like with the recent discussion about pubic shaving. Yeah, sure, you can do that if you like...but is it actually worth the bother?

I mean, if you're east Asian and have dry earwax that apparently just falls out,maybe not.

Depending on the shape of your ear, even if you have wet ear wax, you might not have to clean it either. Especially if you swim a lot or wash it out with warm water at times, etc.

But it's possible for your ear wax to accumulate on your eardrum, which can cause infection and serious pain, or at the very least work as an earplug, so muffle sounds. The former happened to me, I think.

The pain basically disappeared after I put some oil in there into which the ear wax dissolved.

cleaning them with paper

What method is this exactly?

You twist a bit of toilet paper several times so it's something like a .. stick ? gently insert it inside and keep rotating it around in the ear. Bits of ear wax will stick to it, and there's little risk of injury because it's just toilet paper.

A more enlightened q-tip then

How long has it been? Did you have any discharge from your ear during the ear pain? Any decrease in hearing that has since recovered?

Short of having someone stick an otoscope in your ear, you're looking at somewhere between 3 weeks to 2 months for a perforation to resolve. I'd strongly advise against putting anything in your ear till time's you're not having issues and time's up. This might be hypocritical given my love of q-tips, but you're better safe than sorry.

There was never any discharge. The ear has felt blocked since day 1, which was not this week's monday but the one before that, so cca 10 days.

It got much better after I put one dose of cipro ear drops in it and some cooking oil later. I should've written down what relieved the pain but it went from "have to take ibalgin to get some sleep" to almost imperceptible.

Somehow, I lost the cipro ear drops, I don't understand how because there's no clutter, I've search the entire room including the fridge and the waste bin and all that.

I don't think it's perforated anymore, somehow. There was a really high pitched whistle the first day. Since then I've tried gently re-inflating the cavity in the ear.

I can't seem to get it right, aka, regain normal hearing.

Anyway, put some drops of oil in there, then cleaned them out with paper. Put some betadine solution in there, cleaned that out too. I've got an appointment for wednesday, I guess I'll know what's the status then.

Hopefully it'll heal in time and I'll get normal hearing back.

Have you posted about q-tips before? Lately I feel like I'm doing a bad thing by using q-tips, but when I use diluted hydrogen peroxide sometimes my hearing feels like it gets muffled for a long time.

Pre-Terminal Blues

I'm leaving for Scotland in a week, and I have rather mixed feelings about it.

It's the culmination of several years of hard work (and a lot of waiting around), and I did match into the only speciality I wanted, psych. That being said, the prospect of leaving behind a rather comfortable, sheltered life is daunting to say the least, it's been easy for me to coast by; med school takes forever, and even when I was working, it felt more like a prelude to my "actual" professional career rather than something I had to take seriously.

The money didn't matter. I had little in the way of expenses and I lived with my family anyway. I just needed something to keep me occupied while I put my nose to the grindstone, or more productively, buried in textbooks. I never really felt I had to be an adult, as weird as that might sound.

That's about to change. It has to, when I'm crossing several oceans and a continent to find my own way, a stranger in a strange land, the diaspora of extended family rather far for comfort.

It's been a tumultuous time. For the longest time, shifting to the UK was always a problem for the future. I had exams after all, a seemingly interminable number of them. Even when I knocked them down like bowling pins and was informed I'd matched, I felt several months of euphoria from having my efforts be rewarded, and that's long worn off, with me acutely aware that time and distance are going to get in the way of the people and places I hold dear.

I won't really miss India. I'll miss the people I love in it. It's not the worst place to live, if you have money that is. Far from the best. Still, the UK represents an upgrade/side-grade, and I did have to enter training at some point, or forever feel like I'm suffocated by the shadow of giants.

I'll miss my dogs, one of them is turning ten and I won't be here for his birthday. I'm going to miss coming back home after a long day (and night) and feeling the warmth burst out of my chest when I see them waiting for me, tails a-wagging. There isn't much you can say to them to make them understand that you're going away for a long time. Possibly forever. Almost certainly longer than one of them might live. It hurts me more than it hurts them, but half of the pain is being told that the last time I was in the UK for several months, they'd always laid down by my bed or next to the stairs, waiting for my return. They'll be waiting a long time, this time.

Family? Somehow easier yet harder. My grandpa is 95. I can see the cognitive decline slowly hollow out the man I loved. His memory is no longer as tack-sharp as I recalled. He usually forgets when I'm about to leave and I remind him every other day. I listen to his long stories, both personal and anecdotes from an even longer career, and I don't interrupt, even when it's a reprise of what he's just told me yesterday. Holding his hand and sitting by his side is an opportunity drawing from an achingly finite and ever shrinking pool.

My parents will keep. I'll make sure my mom keeps on taking her Ozempic, mild GI side-effects are worth it if it potentially saves her a decade or more of her life, or at least her liver. They're doctors, and still note quite at the age where I have to seriously worry about them, they'll keep. Indians look to their own, I'm not worried, as much as I'll miss them.

My younger brother? He's going to be fine. He's made it through most of med school and while I won't be around to lose hair and pop Ritalin so I can coax him through his exams, my parents are more than capable of the same. The number of doctors in my household will rise as quickly as it fell. Cheeky bastard is stealing my gaming PC, I paid a ridiculous amount for the setup, but while I could pry out the parts with the highest $/kilo, I'm content to let him have it. My old GTX 1070 was a trooper, but he can have my slightly newer RTX 3070, though I've left off dusting my PC for a while as the price he's going to have to pay when scavenging the parts. I'll still miss him, I pity single children, the only reason they're not more lonely is that they don't really see what they're missing out on.

I'll be okay myself. Or so I hope. Any difficulties I face are done willingly, I don't have to face even a tenth of the privation or hardship the older generations in my family had to. They didn't put a silver spoon in my mouth, but it was at least anodized, and I never went hungry.

Still, it's a lot to tackle. Mostly because the NHS and the UK training schemes suck. It's hard to settle in when you have to shift shop every six months, and my first placement is a hospital in the middle of bumfuck nowhere. To give you an idea of how isolated it is, trying to navigate there with Google Maps shows an estimate of 40 minutes of walking and 38 minutes by public transport, from a prospective rental in the nearest village.

Queer isn't it? I thought so too, and I ended up double-checking. Google, in it's infinite wisdom, suggests I walk for 38 minutes to the nearest bus stop.

Which is on the hospital premises.

And from there, I board the bus that'll take me to the very distant second stop, on the other side of the hospital.

Thanks.

Anyway, this means I'll have to buy a car, and I'm still a greenhorn when it comes to driving. If I choose to rent in the bigger city, it's going to be a long commute on a highway, and I'll have to drive a ton even if I end up renting closer as mentioned, assuming I want to do things.

Even living by my lonesome seems scary. I'll be truly alone, no family or friends (at least till I make some at work), though, with the universe being nice for once, I did meet a certain someone who doesn't live all that far away. Let's see how that works out.

It'll probably get better after my initial placement. The second one is actually in a town worth the name, but six months is a long time, for all that time flies by regardless of how much fun you're having.

So much to do. So little time left to do it. The anxiety makes even an otherwise much needed month of lounging about at home seem like I'm burning precious time. I'll see if I can coax my elderly dog into clambering onto my tiny bed, even if that leaves little room for me. I need a hug, and I need to know that things will be okay.

They probably will be. Right?

It's interesting to read your perspective on family relationships. I couldn't stand to be around my family by the time I was 17 and went away to college, never to return. My remaining grandfather, a similar age to yours, has always been a classic holier-than-thou ignorant religious prick and I also come from an eastern culture where filial piety is THE virtue of all virtues, and as a result everybody bent over backwards to kiss his ass and not upset him. I can't even imagine a universe where I would be in your shoes and missing my grandfather at all. I actively dread every time I have to go to my mother's house to visit him and the rest of my family.

All of that to say, you are lucky to have a family that you will actually miss when you are away from them. In that sense "everything will be okay" is already your reality. The material circumstances will come and go, but being able to carry that kind of family in your heart is already the endgame ideal. You already won, just enjoy the ride.

Good luck to you in Scotland!

It wasn't until I was significantly older that I understood that you can't take a happy, healthy and loving family for granted, and I'm sorry yours didn't live up to your expectations.

My remaining grandfather, a similar age to yours, has always been a classic holier-than-thou ignorant religious prick and I also come from an eastern culture where filial piety is THE virtue of all virtues, and as a result everybody bent over backwards to kiss his ass and not upset him. I can't even imagine a universe where I would be in your shoes and missing my grandfather at all

My grandpa is a far better man and doctor than I can hope to be. Our cultures aren't that far apart, though filial piety isn't quite as uber alles, but nobody wishes to upset him because he's an absolute sweetheart and they'd feel terrible about hurting him haha.

It's certainly too late to expect your family to get better, but I can only hope that when it's time for you to start your own, they look back at you as fondly as I do mine. You know the things not to do, after all.

All of that to say, you are lucky to have a family that you will actually miss when you are away from them. In that sense "everything will be okay" is already your reality. The material circumstances will come and go, but being able to carry that kind of family in your heart is already the endgame ideal. You already won, just enjoy the ride.

Thank you. That's a touching way to put it. My family loves me, I'm largely safe from financial privation and I have a decent career ahead till the AIs put me out of business, I occasionally forget that I'm a very lucky person in many regards.

Good luck to you in Scotland!

As long as I stay away from the haggis, I'm sure I'll have a good time haha. Good luck to you wherever you are!

Do you have a significant other? Is she coming with you? Loneliness is one of the biggest problems for immigrants.

I was initially supposed to move to the UK with my ex before she failed her exam and our relationship fell apart. I'm better off for it, she, in conjunction with work and exams, was leaving me stressed and burned out. Still, it did make the prospect of moving significantly less harrowing when there's two people to plan and commiserate with each other, or to keep each other's foibles in check.

Thankfully, through the power of online dating, I did meet someone who to my immense surprise doesn't live all that far away from the places I'll be working, though she's doing her PhD and we would have to travel quite a bit to catch up on weekends, at least till I move on to my next placement. Fingers crossed that works out 🤞.

You don't need a car unless you're getting it for other reasons. The UK is very friendly towards biking and your daily trip can probably be seen as a 30-40 minute bike each way which isn't too bad if you're only doing it for 6 months (a total of 120 working days). It substitutes in for your daily exercise too.

You might be able to pull that off in the more urban parts of England, but I only pray that anyone who tries biking in Scottish autumn and winter, when it's going from constant horizontal rain and fog to snow, ends up in an ER that's not at my hospital. If they did, I'd probably be called in for a psych evaluation.

It's really not practical at all, and I'll inevitably need a car at some point for both the sake of work and convenience.

Have you considered bringing your dog(s) with you to the UK?

It's not really feasible, I'll be working rather irregular hours, shifting every 6 months, and I don't think I'll be able to wrangle a large dog or two all by myself, especially when I'm finding my own feet there.

Further, it would be a little bit cruel, they've spent their entire lives here, and while they certainly love me the most in my family, they do love and are loved by the others in my household. My younger dog might be able to adapt, but the older one has hip dysplasia and a decade is no joke for a German Shepherd.

As far as I'm concerned, getting a dog for myself can wait till I'm done with my training, in a permanent relationship, and have firmly entrenched myself in a geographic location. Still, something to look forward to, a house isn't quite a home without a dog.

Good times. Commutes can be good for the soul. Like anything really that can otherwise seem tedious or difficult. Also driving is fun, get a car you like. I like convertibles.

As someone who has done the leaving home thing at least twice and whose only tether now is one aunt, an estranged brother, and a few good friends with whom physical distance is really irrelevant, I understand the reflectiveness. Still technology now makes getting in touch real-time even by video trivially easy. I just deleted a longish paragraph where I talked about the old days but no one wants to read that shit. Hug that dog.

I dream about a nice secondhand sedan, a convertible is probably ill-advised in Scottish weather haha.

Also driving is fun, get a car you like. I like convertibles.

I wonder when I'll enjoy it, right now I have few misconceptions about my skills on the road and thus an appropriate amount of anxiety. I'm doing extra classes even after I've acquired my license, but I'm still far from confident. Maybe it'll be easier in a country that has more civilized drivers with a passing acquaintance with the rules of the road, or at least lower levels of congestion. I presume once I'm there, sooner or later, I'll be able to enjoy the much vaunted Scottish countryside to my heart's content.

Still technology now makes getting in touch real-time even by video trivially easy. I just deleted a longish paragraph where I talked about the old days but no one wants to read that shit. Hug that dog.

Let's get you back to the old age home gramps ;)

Nah, I'd actually like to hear what it was like back in the day, I imagine relocation was a far bigger deal when the internet and smartphones weren't as ubiquitous. I presume you moved to Japan a good while back, and that's certainly a culture shock and a half a dozen. I speak the language, understand Scottish accents just find, and Google Maps, leaving aside questionable recommendations, does mean it's very unlikely I be utterly lost and stranded.

I will certainly keep in touch, though I know that voice and video calls aren't a good substitute for in-person comms for me, it certainly didn't quell the homesickness last time I was away.

Hug that dog

He's being hugged so hard his ribs creak and his chest aches. Or maybe that's just me.

At age 22, I joined the US Peace Corps and moved to southern Africa and lived in a village of about 500 which was 145 km off any paved road. Dry, bright, intense heat, and surprisingly cold in winter (July, etc.) Everyone there knew my name, which isn't George. There was only power from around 8am-5pm except when they forgot to buy diesel for the generator (which was often.) There was sometimes no water because whoever forgot to buy diesel for the borehole pump. There was only one phone at the nearby school, which I wasn't allowed to use except emergencies for some reason. There was no radio except AM sometimes at night, and the only English radio was Voice of America when that came on. And this was in 1992 so there was no Internet to speak of. For entertainment I read Dostoevsky or whatever. They sent us Newsweek every month, but it was about two weeks out of date. I remember taking a chair out of my sitting room and putting it out in my yard and drinking vodka and watching satellites among the vastly increased number of stars in a place so remote. I did a bit of writing. I drew pictures. The 19-year old nanny of the woman who lived behind me liked to dance topless at night in my last six months there. My nemeses were camel spiders who would come out at night, and about which I have many horror stories. Once I killed with a shovel a couple of puff adders on the volleyball pitch (which was essentially just a bunch of sand). In Christmas vacations (December, so hot in the southern hemisphere) when my PCV acquaintances were out rambling around in Madagascar or Johannesburg, I would sit like the introvert I was in my house with with the windows open and listen to the villagers a kilometer off singing traditional songs that everyone knew except me. You could see the light from the bonfires and whatever. I took up smoking, and drank a good bit of beer, and read by candlelight. When I went anywhere far, I had to hitchhike. I have a lot of bizarre stories about that as well, in some of them I should have died. Anyway when I left my US home to go to Africa I was leaving friends but the girl I loved didn't love me back, we had all just finished university and people were going their own ways, and I figured it was time to GTFO. It was, too. Three years, I was gone. Japan came a lot later.

Great story.

Really, don't sweat the driving. I recently returned from a road trip that went all over Scotland and found all the drivers to be very patient and courteous. It even rubbed off on the other obvious tourists.

That's reassuring, while it isn't quite Mad Max where I live, traffic laws that don't have stiff fines attached to them are taken more as polite suggestions.

Luckily for me, there's a motor training school close to where I'll be renting, and given that I have to acquire an UK license eventually, I'll show up there and plead with them to help get me further up to snuff haha.

If it's any consolation (it's not) you'll be too busy to angst!

My first placement doesn't have an A&E, so I can only presume it's going to be quite quiet as hospitals go. Mostly outpatient work and I suspect that anyone particularly critical would be taken somewhere else entirely.

Of course, I wouldn't be complaining about an easy start, but that's still speculation and I might well be swamped with work. I can't imagine the rain and lack of sunlight helps with the local mood!

Outpatient in many specialties is harder and busier, because you may end up having 20 minute appointments back to back from 8am-5pm with little chance to chart (which is certainly more burdensome with psych).

Granted I don't know how much the UK changes this.

  • Travel, birthdays and startup life

I will be travelling to Chiang Mai this Sunday with my co-founder. I am scared, excited and somewhat different now than I was a few months ago. I had my first birthday outside of my house last week when I turned 24.

I find great meaning in my work, most of it is quite boring data entry-type stuff for now since I have to take a bunch of feedback from hardware engineers but that is alright. My only regret is not starting sooner at 17 or something. Still, I am thankful to be doing what I do. We will launch in a week or so, and we will have to make a bunch of changes. Startups rely far more on execution (doing so fast and based on continuous feedback).

I wanted to be an academic most of my life just for the "respect" I would get from others in the field. Not having chosen that path was the right thing to do. Anyway, do send me any pointers you guys have for travelling abroad for the first time. Like insurance and stuff.

I have also been greenlit to start doing isometric workouts after my partial labrum tear on my right shoulder which happened due to my left shoulder facing what I can term as micro displacements regularly when I go to an extreme range of motion so will rehab properly and not rush it.

I am excited. I want to be that person again who was confident enough to believe he could win the world and not the polar opposite. Though as long as I execute, I should get better, ideally feel bulletproof again in a few weeks.

Here you go. This link is nothing you couldn't find on your own, but it's a start. Health insurance is one of those things no one necessarily bugs you about until you're sick, but I'd definitely recommend staying on top of it and getting it now (whichever type you decide to get.)

As you seem to intuitively realize, doing things and facing challenges is a good way to build self-respect. I'd also advise getting out of the house (when you do arrive to Chiang Mai, which is currently hot, though not unbearable).

I feel like my drinking has gotten steadily worse this year. I'm drinking nearly every night. A light nights its just a light beer or two. On heavy nights its probably 2-5 light beers, and 2-4 drinks of liquor. (usually never the max of both).

I would like to do this far less. So I'll report back here every month or so on decreased drinking to try and hold myself accountable.

I did this for a solid 9 months … then I fell in love

So I don’t really have an answer for you but wish you luck !

Have you checked your blood pressure lately? Alcohol can cause a short term drop. It could be the reason that a light buzz suddenly started feeling nicer.

This could be why I hate drinking on an empty stomach.

Is it not folk wisdom in the West that you gotta eat when you drink?

It’s folk wisdom that you’ll get drunk faster if you don’t.

What am I, made of money here?

My blood pressure is usually a little high.

Good luck! Is the drinking social or just because you enjoy a beer?

I think I mostly love the light buzz I get from being tipsy. The laughter comes easier, I am more socially open, and I tend to just enjoy things more.

I also generally enjoy imbibing cold liquids of all kinds. Including just plain ice water. But adding flavor or carbonation usually makes it better. Regular beer fulfills that but so does N/A beers.

I dislike being very drunk, and I dislike the health side effects of lots of drinking. But otherwise almost everything about beer is awesome to me.

I used to be (and still am to a large extent) a frequent drinker. But at this stage in my life, I really don't want to drink on weekdays and only sparingly on weekends. I still get shitfaced every two to three weeks, but the hangovers are so unpleasant that I have been a lot more selective on when and how much I will drink.

What has helped me reduce my alcohol intake is kratom. I take 2 to 4 grams of kratom every night; it gets me slightly high and euphoric enough where alcohol seems pointless. The upside is I do not drink or smoke weed during the workweek. The downside is that I am probably low-key addicted to kratom. I don't necessarily see this as a problem, as I have been taking the same dose for two years without feeling the need to increase or take it more frequently.

Both of my parents have problems with alcohol, my father especially. He is in his mid 60s and has about 8-10 drinks per night, every night. Somehow he still manages to wake up in the morning, walk three miles, and keep his house in order (he is retired). It is an astonishing level of functioning alcoholism. I have my own inclinations to drink, but the hangovers largely keep me away. However, I do need something to elevate my mood and kratom has been a great substitute.

I was like this for a while--a beer, while making dinner, or two, or three. Hey I have gin, or vodka, let's do martini. Then it was 3 beers five nights a week, and more on Saturdays.

I've been on the wagon now almost a month, mainly because I got COVID, which started me off, but then my buddy back home decided to do a 30-day-dry and started sending me daily counts: 1, 2, 3, etc. So now we are doing it together and I'll be damned if he will go longer than I will. So yeah it gets down to just competitiveness, but if it works...

Mornings I feel better. I have cheated once or twice in this heat and had a few non-alcohol (0.00%) beers to fool myself, but they weirdly mess with my head. My wife says "Just have a beer," so no real support there. If you want a cheering section, DM me, but probably someone you know and trust is better. Never hurts to be accountable to others, or at least one other.

Finally I don't announce that I am doing this (except here, now, to hundreds of strangers). Just my friend, and now my wife who kept asking. Keep it on the down low is my advice. I don't have a theory on this, it just seems right. Good luck, if you decide to do it. I am not sure when I'll drink again. Maybe after the 30 days. I still like a nice drink, and especially as I say, in this blasted heat.

I’ve found keeping a pitcher of iced tea on hand helps reduce consumption- something about the acquiredness of the taste at night seems to substitute for vodka in a way soda doesn’t.

cf "work beers" as a jocular term for lacroix and such

I used to get draft kombucha when pregnant and in an area that served it.

Good idea, I do just generally like liquids and drinking interesting flavors. Sugary soda was my vice before alcohol.

When I give up alcohol but still want a cold fizzy drink, tonic water with freshly sliced half- lemon peel and all in a beer glass heavy with ice goes perfect. I'll keep the tonic out and just refill the glass directly. Alternately I'll keep club soda on hand just to drink with ice.

It’s very easy to start drinking every night. Like @yofuckreddit, I switched to thc (a few years ago) and haven’t looked back. I still drink one or two nights a week, but I don’t miss the grogginess in the morning on weekdays or waking up dehydrated at night. It’s fun to get drunk - every so often. The effects of a substantial amount of alcohol every day impair a normal working life to too great an extent to be comfortable, at least for most people.

It's good that you're cottoning on early, alcoholism tends to sneak up on you and before you know it, you're having a hard time falling asleep without a nightcap or two.

I'd estimate you're well past the 14 units that's considered "safe" (-ish) a week, so the sooner you cut down the better, before you're really dependent.

Having one beer with dinner is not 'drinking'.

Worrying about the 'heavy nights' -I get that, if I did that more than once a week socially, it'd start seeming excessive. Since drinking that much on friday is a habit that for me pretty much died after I left high school, nothing to worry about.

I'll probably switch to non alcoholic beers to have with my dinner. Sometimes I just want a bit of the flavor.

But I tend to mostly drink late night, after 9pm and my kids are down. And I mostly drink alone which seems silly and pointless to me.

Yeah, drinking alone seems pretty odd, I mean, more than a tiny bit.

The N/A stuff is dramatically better than it was even just a few years ago, which should really help.

Another in between option worth a mention is just cutting down to things like All Day IPA that are still pretty enjoyable at 4% ABV. This obviously isn't actual sobriety, but it's a meaningful reduction in alcohol and calories if the norm is heavier beers.

Oh, I forget Americans drink weird,very alcoholic stuff. Here even 'strong' beer is lager, which is iirc never over 5% ABV. Most of the stuff drunk in Czech Republic is like 4.2-4.6% or so iirc.

Still, beer hits very hard because of the hops, which are a sedative. Honestly outside of a party/exercise type situation I'd be sleeping after more than 2-3 beers anyway.

I once was told by a doctor to use lager as a sleep aid. (it does work, moreso than other alcohol).

Generally the beers im drinking are super light, I go for low carbs, which often ends up being low alcohol as well. Miller Lite my go to, and it is 4.2% alcohol.

And yeah the N/A stuff like Athletic actually tastes better than my normal beers ... its just that it is heavier on the carbs. And keeping my diabetes under control matters more to me than the alcohol.

I was in this same situation early this year. For what it's worth, it's been awesome improving it. The nights I do drink feel more fun, even though I drink less. Some tips:

  • I started using THC as a crutch since I typically only consume one substance per night. I then phased that downward later.
  • If you make it through dinner without drinking before and during, then you're pretty much home free. Depending on when you eat now you can push that time back to late enough (730?) to where once you're done it'll be so irrational to crack open a beer you won't do it.
  • Activities that are seriously harmed by drinking can be weekday buffers. Reading while drunk is possible but not great, likewise working out. If you do post-dinner runs/stationary bike sessions they can prevent you from getting a session started.
  • I needed cooperation and accountability from my wife. In the morning it was easy to say "We aren't drinking tonight" and then if I slipped up and suggested a glass of wine (which would lead to 3-4) she'd stomp it down.

Best of luck!

Watch out with that. THC can be habit forming, especially if you have an addictive personality. In my experience it’s very easy to go from a drag or two at night to basically being high all the time.

I've been a very lightweight user for 15 years - while I think it's an incredible drug, I've never gotten close to forming a habit.

I'd agree 100%, though, that it absolutely can be harmful. Many friends wallowed post-college for far too long after getting addicted. I think it's more dangerous for teenagers and early 20-somethings as opposed to someone cjet's age.

I don't do THC. Mostly a lack of interest in the effects.

I actually manage to make it through dinner most of the time. It's late night an hour or two before bed when I really need to avoid it.

My wife is pregnant, hopefully this one will survive, but that should be some good built in accountability. I was anticipating that id already start to get the accountability even if I didn't want it.

Thanks for the well wishes!

hopefully this one will survive

Shit man, sorry to hear about past experiences, and fwiw I (and I expect all here) also hope this.

You've become a (mild) alcoholic. You should take that seriously. If you keep the same or worsening pattern it may, if you have the genotype for addiction, soon be out of your control. Pay attention to the automaticity of your drinking behavior. Do you deliberately choose to take the drink each time, or has it become habit? If it happens sometimes just automatically or by habit, that should make you want to regain control over what you're actually doing. How often do you think about/look forward to the next drinking opportunity? Has your repertoire of 'excuses' for taking a drink increased? Do you imagine the alcohol will increase your enjoyment of a given situation, and ignore via confirmation bias the times when it doesn't help?

It's been slipping more from choice to habit, and that's exactly what I don't like and want to break.

I only mildly look forward to it. I've certainly noticed that if I do it too often it loses the fun. It's a mood boost and makes my enjoyment of comedy and social settings greater, and my likelihood to pursue sex with my wife much greater. I think an optimal amount of drinking for me would be like once a week. That would be my goal with this change.

Right. It's good that you are noticing it. I recommend doing 1-2 months teetotal before re-implementing a healthier drinking habit of once per week. Reset your system. If that's hard, all the more reason to do it. You'll notice things starting to change in your mind and body after 3-4 weeks. The after effects of a heavy drinking habit take a long time to clear out.

Trajectories aren't actually inevitable and the outcome here is underdetermined. Many people just drink a bit too much and never really go beyond just drinking a bit too much.

I think it’s usually better in the case of bad habits to jump ahead before the point of having to figure out if you’re one of the ones that won’t have a major problem simply because digging out from a problem is orders of magnitude harder than stopping before it happens. An alcoholic is compulsively looking for his drink and will look for excuses to get away with drinking. Someone with a bad habit still has control.

Right... edited and expanded.

This is just my own curiosity but - doesn't that make you feel like crap the next day?

I really like drinking, and that's the main thing that holds me back apart from trying to avoid weight gain: that upset stomach/headache feeling persists all the following day for me, and I almost never go beyond 4 total drinks. For context I'm in my mid-30s and in fairly good physical condition.

Light beer or vodka shouldn’t have that much of a hangover if you hydrate.

Wine or whiskey, on the other hand….

As some anecdata from someone that drinks more than I should often enough to have some data, four of five drinks causes me no noticeable ill effect the next day provided that I cease drinking at a reasonably early hour. The negative effects either kick in at higher levels of drinking or from drinking closer to bedtime. I wear a good sports watch that tracks heart rate, stress level, heart rate variability, and sleep quality, and it confirms that basic understanding. Stress and heart rate spike in the timeframe immediately after drinking, drop back to baseline after a few hours, and the impact on sleep quality only occurs if I go to bed when stress and heart rate are still elevated.

This isn't a claim about organ or metabolic health, of course, just relaying some anecdata on short-run effects.

I wonder if your physical fitness plays a role here. Don't you run like 50 miles a week?

Yeah, on average.

I'm a decent bit younger than you, but fortunately I don't really get hungover or queasy, even after far more liquor than is good for my liver (albeit maybe like once or twice a month). I suppose age will catch up to me, but at the very least hydration makes a world of difference.

Sugary drinks gave me the worst hangovers. And I don't have sugar anymore cuz of a diabetes diagnosis. So hangovers are pretty mild.

My sleep schedule has also been real shitty lately, and bad sleep can feel about as bad as a hangover for me.

I am certain the drinking is not helping my sleeping, so it's another reason I'd like to cut back.

I am a doctor but I am not your doctor. The following is essentially a reminder of the importance of healthy life style.

I find that the medical establishment tends to be rather alarmist about alcohol (not necessarily incorrectly, but perhaps unnecessarily aggressively) but the presence of DM (2, presumably) means that curtailing drinking is a lot more important - people who would never drink six bottles of coke will down a six pack over the course of the evening and not realize it's worse for you than the soda.

Diabetes increases the risk of various things with or without obesity and we routinely advise diabetics to avoid extra "hits" to their health accordingly.

Others point out some other considerations here - the potential concern for genetic predisposition to alcoholism, the important of habits and so on.

If it's really just a slide into an unhealthier habit without addiction I'd advise just stopping altogether for a few months to prove to yourself you can. If you can't, that's evidence, what you do with that evidence is up to you. If you can stop, after a while you can try reintroducing and see if you manage it in a healthier way.

If you want help people in your life are almost always going to be better than strangers on the internet. Doesn't need to be phrased in a scary way "hey honey/bro, for health reasons I want to try and skip my after dinner drinks for a little while, can you help nag me?"

An alternate strategy may be a harm reduction approach - Friday nights only or special occasions, something like that.

Since you're dishing out common sense advice that most doctors won't give their patients...

Let's say that you were forced to drink a whole bottle of wine in one night. What would you do to mitigate the worst affects of it?

ChatGPT just tells me not to drink the bottle, lol.

Well. I am not sure I have peer reviewed data for you, but I can tell you what I know as a semi reformed party animal.

  1. A bottle of wine is not a lot of alcohol. Get swole or something if it's a problem.
  2. Don't do other stuff that increases risk of acute or chronic morbidity. Don't drive. Don't take Tylenol. Don't mix in benzos or percs or anything else. Don't be on antibiotics or have liver damage or relevant chronic disease etc etc.
  3. Don't take medication before or after unless you know what you are doing. It'd be rare for a healthy person but Tylenol after drinking could kill you. Other stuff may be more effective and safe but it'd be less responsible to guide with this. 2 and 3 above will protect you if you meant he worst of it in terms of health effects.

If you mean the morning after:

  1. A good chunk of a hangover is mineral and fluid status related. Drink Pedialyte. Maybe Liquid IV. Gatorade and just regular water will help somewhat but the drop off is pretty sharp from something that's actually correct solute wise. If you are rich you could use an IV and that'd work great. Supplement other missing shit (vitamins and minerals) in your morning meal. Eat a banana. In addition to drinking fluid after, do it before.
  2. A good chunk of a hangover is residual hyperglycemia. Go for a run. Light cardio may be the best you can do for most people.
  3. A good chunk of a hangover is nausea and other related stuff. Take a shit. Shower. Get some fluid. Lore is that fatty stuff helps, don't sure what that comes from evidence wise but might be legit. Medical people often use anti-emetics.
  4. A good chunk of a hangover is sleep deprivation. Alcohol makes you pass out. It doesn't make you sleep. These are not the same. Go home/shower/get comfortable then go back to bed. Be less tired and/or exhausted before you drink.
  5. You can also avoid sugary drinks, or sugar in your meals before. Red wine is worse than white, composition of the alcohol, impurities, tannins, all kinds of other stuff can exacerbate hangovers.

If you mean not seeming drunk:

  1. A full stomach seems to reduce total experience of alcohol and damage to the body, maybe? Someone needs to do a paper lol. It does mean you'll seemingly be drunk for potentially longer but will reduce the damage and drunkenness by slowing metabolism down.
  2. Pace yourself. A glass of wine then a glass of water then repeat. People process about a drink an hour (very roughly) go light for long and you might not even notice.
  3. DO NOT RECOMMEND: use of other substances like caffeine can reduce subjective and objective drunkenness. This is obviously highly hazardous to your health, and it reduces subjective a lot more than objective which can be problematic.

Special situation:

  1. If you are asian you might have an actual enzyme deficiency. Google this if you want to try some of the stuff people do to address that.

This brought to you by currently drunk.

I have quit for months at a time to make sure that I can. Last time I did that was a few years ago though. I've got my A1c down to 5 for the past two years, so the diabetes feels under control, but I'm just treating it like its permanent. So no more desserts, no more sugar drinks, and avoiding carb heavy meals.

Quitting sugar was way harder than quitting alcohol. Like incomparably harder. Had days where I screamed and nearly cried from the frustration of not being able to have sweet sugary snacks again. Quitting alcohol was kinda like just having a slightly less active social life, and I'm an introvert already so that was easy to fall into.

My wife will also be holding me to account on the no drinking thing, so this is just me doubling up on the accountability. She will not be drinking at all since we just discovered she is pregnant. Hopefully this one survives.

I'd never suggest this to most patients, but you are a motte poster so I have to imagine you are quite a bit more clear thinking than the average person.

Think about if the juice is worth the squeeze and use that to motivate you. Alcohol is a poison AND it's bad for you AND it has enjoyable effects AND you can enjoy it with full awareness of all this and no guilt if done sensibly and with deliberation.

Identify what an appropriate amount of consumption is for you and use the knowledge of the above to stick to it.

If you can't do that, then attempt to be honest with yourself as to why - are you normally on top of your self-regulation in this way (and is therefore alcohol different), or perhaps you are the kind of person who needs to cold turkey instead of reduce (or vice versa).

Keep an eye out for worrying patterns of use. Not necessarily likely, but very important because the risk is high. Things like: escalating pattern of use (maybe this counts, maybe not), people commenting on your use, using to cover up for bad feelings, stress, life events and so on. Basically have an honest ask with yourself about alcoholism, again not because it's likely but because it's one of the worst ways to die and you want to make sure it's not happening and you aren't lying to yourself about it.

I mentioned elsewhere but I think once a week is a good balancing point where I'm getting something enjoyable out of alcohol and not overdoing it. That is where I'd like to be where I can have a fun social outing with drinking once a week, and otherwise I'm not drinking. And if the social outing doesn't happen I don't want to feel the desire to drink anyways.

I've been at that point before. It just morphed slowly over the last two years to where I'm now at. Now that my wife isn't drinking I very quickly noticed "oh, I'm drinking just about every day".

I've seen my dad get to a worse point with his drinking so I know that's in my genes, but my dad has also lately been where I want to be where it's just a few drinks for social things once a week or every other week.

All that is reasonably reassuring, and putting aside direct health effects and addiction concerns it may be worth asking why you are starting to slide into this habit change. Down about something? Bored? Replacing another habit you used to do that is out of season right now (idk, NFL?).

May be something you can use to push yourself into picking up a new hobby or making a positive lifestyle change or sumthin.

Doesn't alcohol metabolize into sugar, and so it's also bad for diabetics? Not that I can talk as I still have sugar, I just can't quit it. But maybe thinking of alcohol in terms of "this is bad for the beetus" will help you to cut back?

It gets converted into fatty acids as far as I know.

I met a girl at a party. She laughed at my stupid jokes and said I looked like an actor, and she didn't even qualify "actor" with "character."

So obviously she's ignoring the message I sent her. Why are women like this?

That sucks bro. Being single sounds awful.

Don't worry about it. Not all women are, some are but not all the time. It doesn't matter. I'm sorry if this is a weak or unhelpful take but I feel like I have to say something because every time this type question is posed here there are multiple dudes-who-have-been-burned-by-women who make all sorts of generalized dismissive comments and I want to balance these out. Keep crossing those state lines and put it out of your mind. (And don't message her again.)

She could tell that you had never undertaken the Hock. Women can smell non-Hockers from a mile away. You need to strap on your boots and get to Alaska post-haste.

I'm pretty sure the reason only 40% of men reproduced historically is because it was so difficult to get to Alaska before planes were invented.

Its fine, you probably need to provide more comfort to girls before you end the interaction. I do not know why that works but whenever I can make myself look more relatable at the ed of the conversation (never the beginning or the middle), I seem to have no issues with texting them.

Still, you should meet more, good luck!

It's a numbers game. That's the bitter truth of it, unless you're maybe in the top 1% of men.

The answers below seem to capture the broad spectrum of possible reasons, including the most cynical (and cynicism isn't entirely uncalled for when it comes to dating). So my advice to you is to simply not dwell on it, mainly by reminding yourself there's plenty of other fish in the sea.

At least you're doing the right thing by meeting people in person, at events where there's room to socialize, it's far worse when you're merely another face and profile online. Talking to people face to face at least ensures you're the center of attention and makes them more willing to treat you like a human being, and eventually, it'll stick.

are you uglier than her or about the same or is she uglier than you? also how tall are you and do you have good hygiene?

Outside of the cynical takes you'll get by asking this online, there's four options that seem to be likely.

  1. Girls in their prime are often woefully ignorant of the assymetry in the dating market and she doesn't understand (or care, if you want to be cynical) how much more meaningful the attention she gave you was to you than it was to her. To her it was playful, and maybe an option she could explore later if other plans fall through, no harm done.

  2. She was interested but your message came off too desperate. Many such cases.

  3. She's interested but just hasn't come around to answer you. Of course, if she was really completely captivated she assuredly wouldn't forget or deprioritize answering you, but again girls in their prime are often unaware of the assymetry and to her an interesting prospect that's interested in her is a regular occurence so it doesn't feel as urgent to grasp it.

  4. She's playing games/trying "tactics". Of course average guys know the only tactic that women need to maximize getting our attention is "just be nice to us", but the advice women get from peers and media is just as disfunctional as the one men get.

Just because I'm a pedant, I believe it's asymmetry, though your spelling is much more entertaining.

Yeah, english's not my first language and there's some words like that where the right spelling just doesn't seem to stick.

What message did you send? How long has it been?

Yeah it is what it is. Out of all the Red Pill advice out there, the one that's most valuable is "abundance mentality". It's trivial to keep relationships going and get things started when you have 2-6 options, but I feel like women can smell when you're only talking to them and not in an exclusive relationship.

You can synthesize the right amount of communication delays for yourself by being busy as fuck with other stuff, but it's best to be talking to multiple women at a time. Godspeed.

You should have made plans with her at the party. Then instead of ignoring your message, she'd text you to tell you she needs to wash her dog and her hair ate her homework.

Yeah, the only real flake/ghost-prevention tactic is to bang her, so that she’s pot-committed and has skin in the game.

Otherwise, as you note, it’s highly likely you’ll get radio silence, or tortured with excuses like she has to wash her dog, her hair ate her homework, she left her grandma uncharged, her phone got sick and she had to take it to the hospital.

Although, in fairness to many a young woman, her phone getting incapacitated such that she’s unable to take and upload selfies is indeed an urgent care/emergency room-level event for her.

Some possibilities:

1. She wasn’t all that into you, but deigned to let you monkey-dance and court-jester for her to satisfy her need for attention.

2. You were just one of many guys that night she let monkey-dance and court-jester for her. She wasn’t yours, it was just your turn (to amuse her).

3. You were just one of many guys in her lifetime career at parties she has let monkey-dance and court-jester for her. For you, the day she graced you with her existence was one of the more important nights of your life. But for her, it was Tuesday.

4. She enjoys being a tease, leading guys on, and then rejecting/ignoring/ghosting/flaking upon them for fun (many such cases). Your torment is her amusement.

5. She was actually into you, but like most chicks she’s fickle. You didn’t strike while the iron was hot by banging her that night, and now the opportunity’s gone.

6. A shinier object appeared: Later that night some other guy chatted her up who she liked more.

7. Whether it be a pre-existing FWB or a new guy she met, some other guy banged her in between when you met her and when you sent your message, dicking away (possibly that very night) her emotions and memory of having met you.

8. She has since gotten many likes/comments/messages on Tinder/Instagram/SnapChat/etc. to fill her need for attention, fading away her emotions and memory of having met you.

9. Some or many of those messages she received were from Chaddier guys than you, even if they’re out of her league and are just fishing for a pump and dump, pushing you down her tier-list and fading away her emotions and memory of having met you.

10. You’re now just one of many orbiters texting her; your message was another bucket of water thrown into the ocean. Her reaction upon seeing your message, if she bothered to read it at all:

You: hey its me, ur SerialStateLineXer, the actor from the other night

Her: I don’t even know who you are

11. She’s really into you, you’re the only guy she’s talked to recently, and this could be the start of a beautiful relationship, but she’s legitimately busy with work, school, or one of her many interesting hobbies and just hasn’t had the chance to—elohel, just kidding.

12. A combination of some or all of the above.

Seems like she enjoyed your company but doesn't want to go on a date (assuming that's what you texted her about). That may only have become clear now of course, but often you only find out once you try.

You may as well ask why the sea is blue and why the stars don't fall out of the sky.

The latter two have significantly easier to understand answers.

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