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PaperclipPerfector  1mo ago (text post)   1667 thread views

Wellness Wednesday for November 20, 2024

The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:

  • Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.

  • Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.

  • Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.

  • Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).

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Hey guys, what's your experience with chronic sleep deprivation?

Like a huge fraction of the population, I don't get that healthy 8 hours of sleep on a consistent schedule every night, and consuming caffeine before bed certainly doesn't help. So a few weeks ago, I woke up after a 2 hour sleep with some incredible brain fog which was scary, but it soon went away. According to Matthew Walker, some effects are permanent. However, I happened across this Japanese gentleman the other day who had a stroke on a livestream. I'll quote part of his post below:

Due to trauma I still can't watch this video, but nowadays I'm on meds and doing well. After that stream, I went to the hospital and got a CT scan, and they said everything's fine, but afterwards I kept getting stuck on my words in weird ways (Like to be specific, I couldn't say "As always, thank you for your assistance" at work). So I went in for a second opinion at another hospital and got an MRI. Their diagnosis was a stroke. According to the doctor, the blood in my brain stopped moving by accident, yet began to move again immediately afterward, so there were ultimately no after-effects, and just by taking some meds I could return to my normal life.

Ultimately we spent 2 years doing tests, but could never determine the exact cause. However, I spent 10 years sleeping an average of 3 hours per night, so I can't help but imagine this is the cause.

And he still streams, too! Very energetic, quick-minded... not at all what you'd expect. Now, I write this because a man named Matt Walker comes up on the topic of sleep debt, and his stance is that long-term sleep debt cannot be recovered from. And I cannot help but feel this may be a form of health scaremongering. Obviously, don't treat your body and mind like shit, health is the #1 priority, you know the deal. But I'm increasingly skeptical of these health gurus online who seem to make a career from either promising you the world or scaring you into relying on their advice.

  • Mouth tape
  • Sleep mask
  • Ear plugs if you live in the city and have the window open
  • Bedroom temperature below 19c / 65f
  • Blackout curtains in summer (if you live far north/south of the equator)

That plus 7.5-8 hours of sleep has been what I’ve found to work best, and has significantly improved my life.

I read the Matthew Walker book when it first came out. At the time I was sleeping maybe about 6-ish hours on weeknights, maybe 8-9 on weekends, sleeping in or whatever after staying up late or going out, dreading the alarm clock on a Monday morning, all-around normal stuff for someone in their mid 20s. In retrospect, there were hints that I wasn't getting enough rest to function well (e.g. tiredness during mid-afternoon, inability to focus on highly technical work, waking up groggy on weekday mornings) but guess I didn't pay much attention to that until I finished the book.

(Obviously our bodies are all different, some of us need more sleep than others, and I feel like I'm sightly on the right side of the bell curve for quantity of sleep required to function optimally)

I made some lifestyle changes, some major, some minor. The most significant was consistently sleeping and waking up at the same time. I got myself a wake light, and started using that instead of an alarm clock. After a while, I realized that I could wake up without an audible alarm, and the feeling of waking up refreshed, every morning, instead of to a blaring alarm clock, beat the pants off my former lifestyle.

Minor ones included avoiding blue lights or bright lights before going to bed (to the best of my ability) which makes it easier to fall asleep. I also cut out alcohol near bedtime, which appears to give the sense of deep sleep but studies (?) and personal experience suggests otherwise.

It wasn't until a couple months of this that I realized how truly sleep deprived I was before. Consistent quality sleep is truly mind-altering and I can't imagine going back.

Do you have one of those gradual brightening wake lights?
My system for winter mornings is having one of the bedside lights on a cheapo dial timer (the whole setup is dumpster loot for testing the concept). It works, but it's a bit too sudden a change in light level. Looking for something better.

The variable alarm apps that listen for you stirring are also very nice, since you won't be broken out of a deep sleep.

I do have one of the gradual brightening wake lights. I purchased it probably 6+ years ago now, but I believe it's the Philips HF3520.

Dumb idea, but you might be able to try a fluorescent light in the fixture. Those usually take a few minutes to get up to full brightness, especially if it's cold in the room. The wake light I have can be programmed to brighten over about half an hour.

Oh sure. Deep sleep is insanely important and basically changes your life. Most of my post was a bit of contra-doomerism, which is probably good on this topic because anxiety plays a sinister part in the insomnia loop. Glad to hear you recovered.

For your average person who isn't sleeping well I would strongly recommend moderate cardio, cutting out caffeine and no screens for an hour or two before bed (books, podcasts, kindles ok). Even better if you can switch in some basic mindfulness meditation.

Also, if you've never done one, go for a sleep study and get yourself tested for sleep apnea.

Good stuff. Will also add keeping your muscles relaxed before bed is quite important.

Hey guys, what's your experience with chronic sleep deprivation?

I think I never slept normally. So my whole life? I seem to have a circadian rhythm that just pushes me an hour later every night no matter what. If I wake up consistently at the same time every day I will just feel permanently deprived of one hour of sleep, and I will consistently stay up an hour later than I should.

If my sleep schedule is totally unmoored from a specific wake up time it will just drift forward again and again. It will do this until I'm napping through the day and staying awake all night (like I am right now).

I need about 5-6 hours of sleep sober and about 8-10 if I'm drinking. Good sleep is something I highly value. I've occasionally taken medicine to fall asleep (nyquil, melatonin?/melanin?), but it seems to lose effectiveness, and I've avoided the addictive habit forming stuff.

I get the same non-24-hour cycle thing, for a long time it seemed like my body wanted to live on a 25-ish hour cycle. This mostly manifested in being unable to fall asleep when I wanted to, despite being woken up by an alarm at a consistent time. It seems to be mostly cured since I started taking Melatonin about 2-3 hours before the time I wanted to go to sleep. Now I mostly sleep pretty well at around 6-7 hours a night. I don't believe the Walker take that everyone must have 8 hours a night no matter what and you're doing something bad if you don't.

Alcohol has weird and complex effects on my sleep cycle depending on exactly when and how much I drink.

I have been doing mostly-Keto for weight reasons, which I started a number of years after I started using Melatonin. I hadn't heard of the sibling's claim that it also affects the non-24-hour sleep cycle thing, but it seems plausible.

This guy says his non-24 sleep disorder goes away when he's on keto (although having lost a bunch of weight on a low-PUFA, low-protein version of keto, it may have gone away forever as of his last post).

That is interesting, I didn't know there was a term for what I had. I've done Keto diets before, but didn't have much effect. I think I just have a slightly longer circadian rythym. I've managed to not let it effect work, but it definitely got worse over covid when I was at home and able to easily nap.

Help me make sense of a breakup?

Hello Mottizens, I come with a basket of questions and some baggage! As some users might be recall, finding a woman is something I used to complain about a whole lot. Well that has changed, now I complain about finding the right woman, and just some venting for those willing to lend me an ear.

Basically, I went on a few vacations and took a bunch of nice high quality pictures and dating apps started to work for me now. All the downsides applies, bad match rate, bad response rate, bad conversion to date rate, but the match volume is just enough for to me to work off of on.

I've been in cycling in and out of situationships the last 7 or so months. And god this is depressing.

The event that pushed me over the edge was my most recent bout. Matched with a girl on the apps. Immediately start talking for hours late into the night, goodmorning/goodnight texts all that. We have excellent chemistry, our dates are 7-12 hours each. Very strong mutual physical attraction (she initiated most of the "moves"). Very loveydoveysweetypookie kiss hands, forehead, etc in person and online all the time. I fell head over heels for her, and honestly the first time in my life, I unironically truly "fell in love". Didn't feel this many good brain chemicals in a loong time. This is over the span of 3 months

And I thought it was mutual. Then one day, she blindsights me (and I mean SERIOUSLY blindsight, I DID NOT see this coming, I've gone as far as letting GPT and close friends read all our chats, no one sees anything). Says we should stop seeing each other because she'd be moving away for work for a few months and that it's too early to commit to an LDR (that is 2x longer than the duration we've dated). Long story short, we need to stop seeing each other. We decided to "stop" seeing each other on good terms though, to still keep in touch and what not.

Okay, I accept my losses (and the fact that maybe she found another guy and the NO LDR thing is bullshit, and I potentially just got tossed aside), delete all the pictures I took of her, and initiate the whole "breakup" recovery process, etc. 5 days after that, she comes back into my DMs. Short message about missing me, and having to let me know that. I respond a bit later anyways (knowing full well I might be strung along, but I fell head over heels, remember?, I really really really want it in my hearts of hearts to workout nevertheless!). We start talking again. Both of us are very guarded and casual, but we are talking, that's where I am right now.

And I hate being here! Odds are I'm going to be disappointed+hurt again, maybe she was just feeling lonely, missing talking to me and impulsively sent that message with no intent to reconcile. God I hate this. I want to just make her fess up, but that might ruin any chances of reconciliation (call me a bitch, a simp, a beta, idgaf, it's what I want deep down). I can't even get myself to fully committing to move on because I got drip fed some hopium and the thought of doing all of this all over again for it to end up like this is not appealing in the least. I'm also looking all over for women that are similar to her to replicate this, but I know that probably has nothing to do with what us two individuals had.

The only features that I think I need to replicate this are:

  • She needs to be relatively high IQ. IDK what, for some reason my charm (or lack thereof) just doesn't work on women below 120IQ, and dealing with any below that is difficult for me.

I'm so convinced of the above, I'm willing to go back to grad school because I rarely meet women in person, and the apps have just given me situationship after situationship and lame, boring women.

I saw a meme

I've seen great minds of our generation ruined by 3 month situationships

And honestly that feels more than relateable right now. These small series of events have left me shook at a time when I need my time and energy and mental bandwidth more than ever.

Share anecdotes, advice, harsh truths, whatever. I've read reddit, I've talked to friends and GPT, but the motte delivers the most useful help.

This is a long shot. It it. Old be a little bit of a test (likely unconscious) of commitment / leadership / low expectations.

Have you told her confidently and not whiney that you want to make it work. Or even asked her to stay (explicitly for the relationship)

If you really think she could be the person you end up with, at least give it that shot. ‘Hey, I really like what we have. I want to give this a real shot. Let’s make this work.’

Cut out the casual stuff either way. It’s all in or all out dude. Everything else is a waste of time. And if she’s willing to be a time waster and your not willing to be a leader, it’s bad for both of you

I've never been in your position, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

I think you should try to make it work. You're head-over-heels for her, and the way you describe it seems somewhat rare to me. Best case scenario, the LDR works out and you're with her. Worst case, the LDR doesn't work out, and a year from now you've broken up and are looking for someone new. Which is the exact same position you are in now. To me, the potential losses from trying to make it work seem much smaller than the potential gains.

I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt (fool me once, etc.). Assume she saw this was getting serious, but she would have to leave, so she tried to nip things in the bud before it went too far. But now she's reconsidering.

So, a word of warning. I am an LDR vet. 5 years of LDR dating before I was 21.

My "big" breakup that fucked me good was a 3 month situationship where we knew we should break up, but she pushed to stay together after a month, we kept falling deeper in love, and then cheated on me a couple months later. I'm fairly confident if we hadn't done that it would have been a good relationship when I returned.

In short, just don't expose yourself to more risk of heartbreak than you need to. Keep moving forward while she's gone and make the call to rekindle or not when (if) she comes back.

I'm fairly confident if we hadn't done that it would have been a good relationship when I returned.

This has been bugging me a lot. There is a good chance if I just let it stay, when she is back in a a couple of months, we would both be single and wouldn't have found anything better, and there is a real chance of rekindling.

Keep moving forward while she's gone

My fear is that I don't end up moving forward, I just settle for someone else, and she sees that as the door closing.

If she finds someone else, IDC, at least I would know that the chapter is closed. But now there are possibilities of it working out in the future but they hang on everything falling into place at the right time and place.

To steelman her, not committing to an LDR which is longer than the period of dating beforehand, after just three months is pretty reasonable.

Since she presumably told you how long she will be gone, she can't really string you along endlessly. So keep it casual for the time being, but also make your feelings clear, and that you intend to start again right where you left off once she's back. If she does as well, great, if she finds new excuses or breaks it off after a few dates again, don't fall for it again. You can also offer to visit once if it's not crazy far away and not too hard on your wallet and just see how she reacts. Especially if it's a place you plausibly might have wanted to visit independent of her.

Dunno though how much you should listen to my advice. I've only ever had one serious relationship, with my wife & mother of my kids, and intend to keep it that way. I also always hated casual dating, in particular never used any apps, and made it clear that I only date with the goal of an eventual, stable family in mind.

I think honestly I’d consider the relationship over. She’s not looking for you because she misses you. If she did, she’d probably not have broken it off. She probably did move, and either hasn’t yet found someone nearby or she did and th3 relationship came apart. To my mind, that’s not her choosing you, but her choosing to contact you because she can’t find someone in her new environment. If she really thought you were someone she could see herself marrying or even long-term dating, she would have at least made that offer. For whatever reason she didn’t want to. There’s nothing long term here.

My go to of any relationship among people in any context is if they wanted to, they would. If they really want to have a long term relationship with you, they would be making moves to make that happen— either not moving or committing to a LTR or something like that. If they actually want to marry you, they’ll be making concrete moves n that direction. If someone wants to be your friend, they will be willing to make time for you and to actually invite you over on occasion. If your boss really sees you getting promoted, you’ll see concrete moves in that direction— more training, being invited to conferences, being asked for input on things, maybe asked to fill in n occasion. On it goes, but my point is pay closer attention to what people are doing over what they are saying. If there’s a mismatch between words and deeds, go with the deeds.

On the other hand, many relationships I've talked about more in-depth with people include some moment in which one partner, usually the women, has some doubts and breaks it off for a while only to come back (often almost immediately). LDRs are one of the most common causes. And she is kind of right, if you only dated a few months, not committing to an LDR of more months than that is a very reasonable decision. Doesn't mean she isn't open to a proper relationship afterwards, and the fact that she starts the messages again shows that she likely has at least some interest still.

Can you confirm she's actually moving? That's the first suspicion I'd have.

Yes, I'm very sure of this, it's part of a common program that I knew of in advance, the logistics of this just didn't occur to me in the heat of the moment.

My wife broke up with me for a few months when we were 1.5 months into our relationship. The reason for this was she though I wasn't serious about her.

I didn't realise this at all and thought I had gone to great lengths to be with her, I was just very busy, but she thought I didn't want to see her. I didn't make a big deal about the break up, continued to see her for other reasons and eventually she came back and we've been together for the past 20 years, with little to no drama.

I suppose it helped that we had some common friends helping us out but the point is that it isn't necessarily over or a sign of poor potential for the relationship that there is a "break-up" early on.

Whats signs should I look out for post "breakup" to know it's temporary vs otherwise.

I wouldn't know in your case specifically but her keeping in contact with you is obviously a good sign.

Perhaps you could set yourself a time limit after which you start dating again? Obviously you can't keep pining after this girl endlessly but is focusing on things other than dating for a few months unreasonable?

Obviously I only know what you have presented, but I can imagine a scenario where it is still possible to resurrect the relationship. In this scenario she preemptively broke up with you, because she thought you would do it instead of a long distance relationship. Or that you'd cheat on her in the long distance relationship. If she has a past personal experience with it, or close friends it has happened to this is almost certainly on her mind. If you didn't fight her much in the moment on the no-LDR thing, you probably came across as agreeing.

If you think this is the case, then this might be the path to fixing things. You'd need to have a sit down talk with her, and you'd have to put yourself out there:

  1. Say that being around her and not having a relationship hurts. Ask for a serious sit down talk.
  2. Say that you love her and want to stay with her even in a long distance relationship.
  3. Offer to travel to help the long distance relationship. Or think about taking a vacation there in the middle of her away time.

You will come across as desperate, and that is fine. It is ok to be desperate around a woman who knows and loves you, especially if that desperation is for her. You need to create the reassurance in her mind that you won't hurt her, and that the only one doing the hurting is her to you and herself.

If she does take you back, know that the relationship will start to feel different. This is not a bad thing. You were in a honeymoon phase of love. Its a time mother nature gives people to make sure they are fucking a bunch and having a kid to tie them together. But the next phase to make it work together is partnership. You need to be a team together. People do this by moving in together, getting a pet together, working on a project together. My wife and I sort of started at this phase because we met at work and already know how to work as a team together. But you two already have a project ahead of you that you can work on: keeping the love and affection alive during a long distance relationship.

I will again repeat that I don't know everything about your situation and my read on it may be totally off. I do think that your assumption that she found another guy is almost certainly wrong. If she is the cold-hearted bitch that would have strung you along like that and seemed so loving, then she wouldn't have broken up with you. She would have just proceeded to cheat on you and not have a bit of guilt about it. My experience and the experience's I've seen other people have with psycho types is that they tend to not try for true breakups with people. Because relationships are one-way streets with them. They are not held back by the terms of the relationship, only their non-psycho partners are held back. I do remember a case somewhat similar to yours where the psycho boyfriend moved away for a three month gig, and did not inform his girlfriend till the day he was leaving. And then immediately went on to cheat in the other city while claiming to do a faithful LDR.

Dig up your old feelings of love for this woman. There is a decent to good chance that she made a decision in fear and uncertainty and with a desire to avoid being hurt. It might be a decision that she regrets. If you still want to have a relationship with her there is probably a path to that working out. If you want things to be over and done with, commit to that path and fully block her.

Thanks for the detailed response. I think your judgment based on whatever limited information I gave probably tracks.

What kind of timeline do you propose for steps 1., 2. and 3. ? I have roughly 1.5-2months before she dips and meeting in person is not possible any more.

It can be done on the phone if a sit down is not possible. I'd push for the sit down if you can. It's going to be uncomfortable and one easy way to get out of an uncomfortable conversation on the phone is to end the conversation. But getting out of one in person is harder.

The sooner it happens the better. Especially if a week or two has already passed.

I notice the front of my hairline thinning. What can I do? Male in my 30s. I lasted this long but now my time has come.

My recollection is that there are actually effective treatments if started early? And is there a way to objectively measure thinning? Calipers? Any Gwern-esque research on this?

I just woke up from a nightmare where I noticed the top of my head was balding. Even as a man with a very nice head of hair, having a bald dad gives you generational trauma :(

I think most of the recommendations here make sense. I'd personally advocate for topical minoxidil first and foremost, and then finasteride as an option second, if you're willing to accept the risks. If all else fails and you have the money, Turkey or Mexico beckons.

Start finasteride immediately, don't look up the side effects, many people give themselves placebo. Also take minoxidil and maybe microneedle once a week. Been on it for 2.5 years, I'm 24, zero side effects till now

Bro what.

Alright, I've tried to ignore you. I've blocked you, but still see the threads you generate, which was somehow even more annoying. At this point, I'm going to burn some social capital, or take the downvotes, or eat a ban, but by god I'm gonna say it - and I'll wager I'm not alone in the sentiment:

I dislike your weird, pathetic, whiney presence on this board, and I'd dearly love if you left.

Since you're being pretty up front about it and accepting the inevitable consequences, I'm only going to ban you for one day, but yes, this is absolutely not the kind of post we want.

Every one of us (including me) has a list of "people I can't fucking stand and wish would fuck off forever." If even blocking them is not enough for you and their very existence causes you to post things like this, that is a you problem. Deal with it in some manner other than this.

This is a hilarious response now that you've edited the original. Just totally out of left field, no warning at all.

I know absolutely nothing about finasteride except what you've typed here and let me just say this does not sound like a ringing endorsement.

I'm just saying, talking about the consistency of your semen and how much you masturbate is way TMI for a discussion about hair loss lol.

It’s relevant. He’s going bald because all the hair has migrated to his palms.

One more thing: A generally accepted good way to measure your hair loss is using a hair catcher your shower drain, this gives you a good idea of how much hair you are losing (compared to baseline shedding).

I have never done this, so I don't know what the proper metrics are, but you can probably google it.

Calipers?

I tried with a couple of beard hairs and they read around 0.10mm on 1/100mm range calipers so I expect you'd want a micron scale micrometer to get consistent readings of thinning head hair. That said I would have thought that number of hairs per cm^2 would be a more appropriate metric.

What can I do.

The best thing I ever did was accept that it was happening, hit the gym, and embrace it.

Finasteride is the best available treatment. Topical Minoxidil helps promote growth, but isn't great for hairlines (works better in the crown), leaves your hair looking bad and the hair you gain falls off if you suspend it. There's a lot of hype around microneedling (particularly when paired with Minoxidil), but it's even more annoying, and the evidence for it is not as strong.

Finasteride is known to cause impotency in rare cases, and, most annoyingly, you can't donate blood if you've been taking it the previous month.

Thanks! I presume that's oral finasterise, and the topical version is less effective? And doesn't the impotency go away if you stop talking it?

1mg is a good dose, you cannot come off it ever btw, once you start. You can also use dutasteride if fin isnt good enough. I don't know the dosage for that though.

1mg is a good dose, you cannot come off it ever btw, once you start.

Sure you can. You'll start losing hair again, but it's not like you become dependent on it.

I presume that's oral finasterise

Yes.

and the topical version is less effective?

No idea.

And doesn't the impotency go away if you stop talking it?

Supposedly, yes. There are accounts of people who claim it remained after suspending treatment, but eh, who knows.

Not so much wellness but advice seeking:

I received a small sum from my grandmother at her death. Approximately $5,000 in an IRA account. Obviously for tax reasons I'll be completing the paperwork to transfer it into my own IRA. But to just put it in the market until I'm retired feels somehow small and niggardly, it feels spiritually wrong to take money my grandparents saved up over the years and left to me, and all it will amount to is a 1% increase in the value of my brokerage account when I open the app. So, talking to my wife, I want to make some kind of purchase that will act as a keepsake of my grandmother, despite the fact that she obviously has already passed.

Basic parameters:

-- I'm looking for something more or less permanent. Heirloom quality. So for example, a new computer would not be a good choice, as even though it might be a very high quality computer and I would enjoy using it daily for the time I had it, at some point I would throw it away. Obviously anything could be lost, stolen, destroyed in a fire, etc. But I want something I'm likely to have for decades with care and luck.

-- I'd like to spend a substantial amount of the $5,000. Obviously it will spiritually, though not directly, be the $5,000 my grandmother gave me, as that will be in my IRA. I'm comfortable with one degree of remove, though I found that my dad's suggestion to put it in a dividend account or CD and spend the proceeds each year on going out "on her" to be clever, but ultimately too far removed for my taste. I don't need to spend all of it, but I think anything under $500 is too miserly to notice properly as having inherited it. So for example a really good chef's knife would probably be too small to qualify. At the same time, nothing much over $5,000 qualifies even though I could afford it, as that seems to violate the concept of inheriting it, so not a used Jeep Wrangler unless it's a real heap of a jeep.

-- I'd like it to be something my grandmother would, if not like, at least not dislike or find strange. She was a pretty average Catholic grandmother, loved polka music and murder mystery novels and still had a picture of JFK and Jackie on the wall. I'm not necessarily looking to buy something that would be to her exact taste, but I would like to buy something that she wouldn't be weirded out that I bought if she knew. So, for example, I wouldn't buy a new Springfield Garrison 1911, even though it meets all the above criteria, as my grandmother would find that distasteful.

So far, the frontrunner is replacing my vintage knockoff (which I love) with an authentic Eames Lounge Chair. It's special, expensive to the point I'd never buy it myself, permanent, and very useful and comfortable. I read in the one I got off craigslist every day, it's really just a top of the line product, and I'd love to have a real one.

My wife suggested a watch like a newer Omega Seamaster, but that feels a little odd, and anyway she still owes me a new Armida from the bet we made on Joe Biden dropping out, and even though that's more like $400 it's too close to get two in the same space of time. I'd consider jewelry for her, I rarely wear any beyond a watch, but she has good stuff, I need to preserve the remaining roster spots for future holiday gifts, and honestly when it comes to inheriting jewelry my mother isn't far from leaving her an ABSURD amount.

Beyond that, idk, some original art maybe? I don't have too many good ideas, and I hate to make a big purchase like that without exploring additional options. So I'm turning to the crowd for suggestions.

TLDR: I'm seeking suggestions for an heirloom quality item between $500 and $5,000 that my grandmother would have approved of.

Just an FYI, inherited retirement accounts have a minimum required distribution (on which you pay taxes). Please look at the details with a financial planner or advisor, because if you don't take the RMD it will be taxed at ridiculous rates.

https://www.fidelity.com/retirement-ira/inherited-ira-rmd

Dang it, I wish I could be more creative, because I love the idea of the chair and think the obvious choice is a great one.

A clock, already suggested, is a great option. My parents have disabled the grandfather clock they have that mine built. They found the ringing too annoying. I disagree, but be aware of the potential downside.

For my grandmother, we spent a fraction of the money on a vacation to some of her favorite places, and generated pictures and experiences from it that will stick around for a while. I assume you considered and discarded this, but wanted to throw it out there.

Because of my father's auction habits, the family has around a dozen grandparent clocks of varying quality already.

The vacation thing isn't a bad idea but it isn't practical for us as a couple, my vacation punch card is booked between family and friends beach properties, visiting my godparents/aunts in Florida.

Not sure if it's your thing, but you could purchase a high quality Grandmother Clock within that price range. My family has some of these as heirlooms and they're pretty cool.

Why don't you just ask her executor for a keepsake. I have my grandfather's planes and chisels, my uncle's t-square and plumbobs, a hand-knitted doll from my aunt, various knickknacks of my mother's, all better memorials than buying something at walmart. Especially with only half a mil in the brokerage account, not much room for extravagant spending.

Especially with only half a mil in the brokerage account, not much room for extravagant spending.

I chuckled.

I gain a perverse pleasure from inputting the queries of random people online into ChatGPT.

I happened to throw in everything you said up till the specific criteria you envisoned, and to my surprise, it specifically recommended watches and furniture. To be clear, that's before you suggested them as options from yourself and your wife. Next token prediction is powerful. We're more transparent than we presume.

Then I read the rest of your comment, and ChatGPT suggested fine art as option 4, though that's the third and last thing you suggested. Huh.

Claude also suggests furniture and art, but also a nice piano or a grandfather clock.

If I ask it to be more creative, it suggests a custom stained glass window, a commissioned illuminated family history manuscript, a heritage garden installation, a commissioned tapestry or quilt.

In some parks, I have seen benches dedicated to dead people. Why not put one in your own backyard?

As a starting point, Uline offers various park benches and picnic tables for well under 1 k$. I don't know whether that counts as "heirloom quality".

Since she was Catholic, I think it should be something with religious symbolism. A nice Christian painting seems like a good idea to me. Jewelry is also a decent idea. Have you considered commissioning a painting? Perhaps even a painting of your grandmother, if that doesn't strike you as an offense to her.

I think she'd approve of sticking it in an IRA, for what it's worth, especially if you struggle to think of something for this idea. If it were me, I might choose something with impermanence specifically to symbolize the transience of life. Some beautiful flowers, or perhaps a fine cigar or bottle of whiskey, or a dove to let loose.

What's the latest thinking on addressing high cholesterol? My mom has high cholesterol (70 years old, active, not overweight, otherwise in excellent health). She and her doctor are working off what I understand to be outdated thinking on the subject. For example she is avoiding healthy foods like eggs with high cholesterol content, but my understanding is the latest studies suggest no clear link between eggs and high cholesterol. It seems like the latest consensus is to avoid red meats, sugar, and processed foods. Her doctor has also suggested statins, but my understanding is that there isn't much if any evidence to support their effectiveness. What do the doctors of the motte suggest for an otherwise healthy person with high cholesterol?

I take rosuvastatin and it has had a dramatic effect on my cholesterol levels. (Dramatically good).

The Number Needed To Treat for statins is about 138. I would suspect that given standard monetary values of QALY and DALY in the West, it would be a net positive given how damn cheap drugs are.

As for eggs, I have more or less given up on attempting to understand nutritional science, there's hardly a more cursed and confounded field on the planet. But from what I'm aware of, eggs have swung from being unfairly maligned to being good for you.

Finances willing, I'd put very many people on GLP-1 agonists, so if granny could do with losing weight and not just cholesterol, that's my recommendation.

Statins being cheap should not be a factor for recommending them or not. It should be side effects vs what it improves and whether you can afford it should only come into consideration afterwards.

I pointed out that the benefits weakly outweighed the drawbacks, in terms of effect on diseases and side effects. After that, the relevant question is whether it's cost-effective.

Cost should always be part of the "cost/benefit analysis".

The Number Needed To Treat for statins is about 138.

I believe her LDL is around 135.

I would suspect that given standard monetary values of QALY and DALY in the West, it would be a net positive given how damn cheap drugs are.

Assuming they actually prolong life. My understanding is that "statin clinical trials have shown marginally significant benefits on mortality" at best over 5 years, and there's no good evidence they reduce long-term morality. That's why I came here to ask the question, I'm curious if there's newer or better evidence to support their effectiveness. If they don't work, then we're just risking side-effects for no gain.

As for eggs, I have more or less given up on attempting to understand nutritional science, there's hardly a more cursed and confounded field on the planet.

I get that nutrition is hard to study, but do you really have no opinions about this topic as a doctor? Shouldn't lifestyle changes be the first line of treatment for this sort of thing? If you had to recommend the optimal diet to a patient with high cholesterol, what would it be?

I ask this because my mother is something of a health nut and will follow credible diet and lifestyle advice religiously. When her doctor told her to cut out red meat, butter, and eggs, she completely eliminated these things from her diet. If a doctor told her eating nothing but unseasoned boiled potatoes was the key to lower cholesterol, she'd eat nothing but unseasoned boiled potatoes. On the other hand, her doctor has not told her to avoid things like processed sugars or margarine, so she still eats plenty of that stuff.

So I'm interested in trying to set her up with the best evidence-based diet and lifestyle interventions possible. Since she is going to religiously follow some sort of diet program regardless, it may as well be the best possible program.

Finances willing, I'd put very many people on GLP-1 agonists, so if granny could do with losing weight and not just cholesterol, that's my recommendation.

She is not at all overweight, goes on long hikes/jogs daily, skis, bikes, and is otherwise very physically active for a 70 year old.

Number Needed To Treat means you prescribe statins to 138 people and 1 person among them is expected to have positive effects. I am not a doctor but 135 LDL is pretty normal, you need to take statins for years before they statistically show improvement (lower cardiovascular events, for example), and there is no evidence for or against statins for people over 75, so doctors don’t usually recommend statins for people over 75.

Assuming they actually prolong life. My understanding is that "statin clinical trials have shown marginally significant benefits on mortality" at best over 5 years, and there's no good evidence they reduce long-term morality. That's why I came here to ask the question, I'm curious if there's newer or better evidence to support their effectiveness. If they don't work, then we're just risking side-effects for no gain.

I haven't seen any studies recently that have made me update significantly. I do agree that the benefits from statins are marginal, which is why I pointed out that they're so cheap that it's not too much of a fuss to take them. For primary prevention, it's minimal, it's somewhat better for secondary prevention where an adverse cardiovascular event has already occurred.

The risks, however, are also rather small. So we have a class of drugs that doesn't do very much good, doesn't do very much harm, but on the margin seem slightly positive and don't cost much. I wouldn't go out of my way to recommend them, but I have no issue with prescribing them either.

I get that nutrition is hard to study, but do you really have no opinions about this topic as a doctor? Shouldn't lifestyle changes be the first line of treatment for this sort of thing? If you had to recommend the optimal diet to a patient with high cholesterol, what would it be?

Please keep in mind that I'm a psychiatry trainee haha. While dietary advice isn't out of my core practice, especially with diseases like bulemia or when some drugs cause weight gain, I genuinely think that overly obsessing over dietary intake beyond basic, Common Sense™ knowledge is of minimal utility.

If someone did ask me for dietary advice (and everything is from a do as I say, not as I do stance, don't look at what I eat), then I'd suggest making sure they're eating leafy greens, and avoiding large quantities of deep fried or smoked meats. I'm not going to tell them how many eggs to eat, or what brand of milk to drink. Even for the advice against highly processed meat, the carcinogenic risk is also tiny in absolute terms, so I wouldn't belabor the point.

I do this not because I enjoy being ignorant, but because nutritional science makes no sense. As long as your diet avoids any obvious nutritional deficits and you're getting vitamins and minerals, while keeping to a healthy weight I'd be fine with it.

More specific advice would be tailored towards people with particular diseases like diabetes, and for those with cholesterol issues, I'd stress weight loss more than any particular category of food.

(Mild exception, I think the evidence for ice cream being good for you is interesting, and unless you eat a bucket a day having more won't hurt)

She is not at all overweight, goes on long hikes/jogs daily, skis, bikes, and is otherwise very physically active for a 70 year old.

She's doing better than me! I'd tell her to keep on keeping on really. While GLP-1As have some surprising benefits, with interesting evidence emerging of all kinds of surprising yet positive impacts, including reduction in Alzheimer's risks, I would at least recommend looking into them, though of course you'd need a doctor willing to prescribe them. But if she's otherwise doing well and her existing diet isn't grossly unhealthy, I'd say to not fix what isn't broken.

Thanks, I really appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts.

Is there a better formula besides just looking at LDL? Certainly HDL, Trigylcerides, and blood pressure would be relevant. Are there any downsides to statins?

I tried one of those cardiac risk score things, and it said my 10 year risk of a cardiac event was about 1.5%, below the 5% threshold in which statins would be advised. That didn't feel super comforting. I know people like Peter Attila recommend statins to most of their patients. But he also recommends aggressive prostate screening which has not been shown to increase life span, so he may have a harmful "do something" bias.

I wish I was better informed about cholesterol, but statins do have minor risks and side effects, such as muscle pain and outright muscle breakdown in rhabdomyolysis. It's rare, but hardly unheard of.

There's always been debate about the benefits of statins, but at least in the UK they're usually prescribed to middle aged people with cardiovascular risk factors, or the elderly who have had heart attacks or strokes as secondary prevention. You're right that aggressive screening of prostate cancer is a net negative, especially in the elderly.

I actually know a physician who ended up with this:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Statin-associated_autoimmune_myopathy

Huh. Never heard of this before, poor bastard.

There's def reasons we don't give everyone Statins and Metformin, but everyone always forgets lol.

I assumed the reason we don't give everyone metformin is because of the very memorable bathroom visits that it causes.

Metformin is seemingly more benign than statins (which have a bigger argument) but has a few significant drug interactions and a bunch of hypothetical (read: hotly debated) kidney and Lactic Acidosis issues.

Most otherwise safe medications have COVID vaccine problems - you give em to the entire population and weird shit starts happen. One in a million side effects happen hundreds of times.

People often say that the best way to learn singing is to get a good coach, so that you don't learn bad habits common to autodidacts. But since I want to save money and get a good head-start, what resources or even outright advice would you give to someone teaching themselves breathwork and basic singing technique? I'd like to pick it up as a hobby and think I have a good voice to work with. I know to breath with my diaphram and to relax myself when singing. But my range isn't where I want it to be. Plus I want to produce a strong, consistent, reliable sound.

Go on Spotify and look up beginning singing lessons and practice them in the car. 20 minutes a day and I promise you, you will see improvement.

Next step up is taking a singing class. You can usually find a 8 week program for around $300-400 and it’s a fun way to get out of the house and sing with a group.

Good luck.

Well I'm fucked.

I developed schizophrenia with a sudden onset and lost my partner, work, and health. Wife was first to leave me and has cut all contact. Lost my job and most of my ability to work. Most of my friends have drifted away.

Could be worse. I did some crazy shit due to my delusions but managed to avoid even worse consequences. I now have meds that have fixed the so called positive symptoms like delusions and hallucinations. I have a lot of money saved up. I think my cognitive abilities are slowly coming back. But I have intense negative symptoms: a lack of emotions, motivation, and joy. These are probably due to both the illness and my high fall from grace. My life now is almost entirely suffering.

One friend has been coming over to my place with her dog once a week to bake. I'm infinitely grateful for this and it's one of the only things I look forward to. I told most friends about my situation but she's the only one who has made any effort to try and support me.

I feel almost entirely lost and ruined, but do have some stubborn hope and desire to try and rebuild my life. I've been forcing myself to try new hobbies but they have all felt empty so far. Have zero motivation to exercise (and am gaining weight due to the meds). Don't have enough concentration to read books or watch movies. Hard times.

My condolences, schizophrenia is terrifying, and even if well managed with medication. I'm glad that the medication is working, even if with unpleasant side effects (there are some antipsychotics that have a less pronounced effect, aripiprazole being one that comes to mind).

Antipsychotics suck, the only reason we prescribe them is psychosis sucks harder.

I can only hope that your symptoms resolve, and your wife changes her mind or you find someone who understands and accepts you better.

If you have the insight to post this here you are not fucked.

A few things to keep in mind.

  1. Your ability to tell what is real and true is going to be compromised at times. Involve your family and your doctor in your care. Get a therapist. Outsource some things to them. Don't make certain types of decisions (like stopping medication) without involving them. Others may be able to tell you when you are declining better than you can self-assess because losing that is part of the illness. Establish safe guards and personality structure that allows you to get help while you are doing well so you can be protected when you aren't.

  2. Negative symptoms are harder to treat, but they can be treated. Let those caring for you know about the negative symptoms. Don't bottle it up.

  3. Many illnesses (not just mental illness) involve stepwise decline. Further episodes, longer episodes can compound. So do whatever you can to decrease the frequency of episodes and their duration.

  4. You have met people in your life with serious mental illness and not known about it. Many people do well, and then you never know unless you catch them in an episode. There is hope.

Update on my pull-up bar exercises.

I have literally missed 1 single day since I started in May. I missed one day in the first month, and never again for the past six months. I’m super proud of this. On vacations I do a bunch of pushups in lieu of the pullups.

I am currently doing 10 pull-ups every day before going to bed, with pushups and situps added in. I know it’s not recommended to do training every single day, so I want to emphasize that the daily habit is a much higher priority for me than optimizing strength or muscle recovery.

Starting out, the plan was to do some nominal number of reps (like, maybe 3) on off days to avoid injuring myself, then three times a week do enough sets to induce failure. Well this plan caused a tendon in my left elbow to kind of freak out on me.

So now I do the same number of reps every night, increasing the reps on the first of each month. I’ve added 1 pull-up per month to my nightly total since August, and I’m at 10 right now. Will attempt 11 nightly starting December 1st.

The only drawback is that my sleep schedule is harder to manage, because the exercising is causing me to procrastinate getting ready for bed.

Good to hear the progress. I am a huge fan of pullups, and having a doorway pullup bar really lets you squeeze them in anytime. I only read through your last couple posts so I'm not sure how much of a fitness background you have, but it sounds like you're getting back into shape.

I will say from personal experience, after about fifteen years of consistently working out, that nothing will mess you up more than an injury. It seems like you've got a good habit going on - make sure that you don't pull, strain, or twist something that can cause you to lose the ability to exercise. That's almost an inevitability if you push yourself too hard, and sometimes it isn't worth that last rep - especially if you're exercising for general fitness, not competition.

If you're looking for other compact and versatile equipment for the home, I would highly recommend an ab roller, kettlebells, and/or resistance bands. For $50 worth of equipment you can greatly increase the number of muscle groups you target.

Good luck

Hey thanks! How much time daily do you spend working out? What I'm doing right now is sustainable schedule-wise, but if I get any more serious then I would need to rethink my evening routine.

Weekly, I probably do about 2x45 minutes cardio and 2x30 minutes weights. Not a huge amount of time, but I've been consistent throughout most of my adult life. My schedule makes it such that I generally work out in the afternoons, but if it were my choice, I'd be working out first thing in the morning. My understanding, and this is more going off of vibes than a particular scientific study, is that it isn't so good to work out before bedtime, it gets your body all worked up rather than winding down for sleep.

Pullups suck. I don't mean they're bad, I mean I hate them because they're hard. I used to be able to do 10-15 and now I'm lucky to do 3. But that's improving. Wide-grip pull-ups suck worse. Neutral grip are the easiest for me. You're doing well Any other exercises or muscle groups your working on?

Thank you. 15 is crazy—you must have been fit. I'm just doing the pullups, situps, and pushups. And I want to start running again. Once I'm doing all that I don't think I'll mess with any more.

I don't want to do too much, because every day I'm surprised I'm still doing it. I'm clinging to the progress I've made so far and am afraid of losing it.

Do you have time to exercise? With your insane commute how do you do it?

I'm only needed physically at work between 3 and 4 days a week at present, which helps considerably, and I have a workout plan that puts me in the gym 3 days/wk on a shifting schedule.

Does anyone have any insights into what's going on with the TRT (testosterone replacement therapy) bros? Specifically, I am thinking of Jeff Bezos and Robert F. Kennedy, but there are other older men who fit the profile.

Normal male testosterone is in the range of 300-1200 ng/dL, although if you work for NPR it might be quite a bit lower.

As men age, testosterone tends to go down, but not really all that dramatically. For a long time there have been "anti-aging" clinics that advertise to older men and apparently just give them steroids? I specifically remember one being advertised in airplane magazines that featured a muscular shirtless old guy.

In theory, these clinics should be treating people with testosterone below 300 and bumping them into the normal range. But guys like Bezos and RFK seem like they are just straight up on the 'roids.

What's going on here?

While a lot of people are on roids, people also are confused as to just how good lifting heavy weights is for you as an old dude.

Most old guys are either fat, which is bad, or skinny, which emphasizes wrinkles and posture other negative appearance aspects of aging. Muscles fill out your skin, reducing the appearance of aging, improve or hide changes in posture, prevent you from looking frail, etc.

That said, I plan to explore TRT once I've had all the kids I plan on having.

once I've had all the kids I plan on having.

Knowing you are male this wording made me chuckle internally. I get your meaning, however.

Well, for one, a lot of TRT clinics are, as you seem to have noticed, whitewashed ways to get roids, and you can absolutely game the measurements to apply for it.

However, you might be underestimating the effects of actual-factual-true-to-form TRT: with normal hormones, they fluctuate throughout the day, are affected by sleep patterns, diet, etc. A TRT dose that keeps you at a stable 1000 ng/dL, no matter what, is very different from someone who measured at 1000 ng/dL naturally (and even them are generally on the upper range of test levels), you can expect significant muscle growth on TRT, on doses far below of what would be considered a "proper cycle".

Well, for one, a lot of TRT clinics are, as you seem to have noticed, whitewashed ways to get roids, and you can absolutely game the measurements to apply for it.

If I knew a crazy dude who wanted to know more about this, where would he go to learn more about it? Or, even better, would you replicate the approach here?

If I knew a crazy dude who wanted to know more about this, where would he go to learn more about it?

If you (general you) want a good source of info on TRT/Steroids, benefits, risk profiles, etc. Unironically the best source I know is the youtube channel More Plates More Dates (he has a site in which he posts articles, if you don't like video/audio content).

If what you want to know is which clinics provide these services, not being in the US/Canada, I have no idea (I don't know in my country either, tbh). Back in the day Bodybuilding.com forums were the place to go, I assume there's subreddits specifically dedicated to this, as well.

If you want to know how to get your t lower before a test, some stuff that can help: Get fatter, sleep like shit, jack off a lot... though I'd probably google for more systematic approaches.

If you're asking if you should be hopping on TRT... well, it depends: age? time lifting? children? family history with heart disease? what do you hope to achieve with it?

I started mathacademy (50 dollars a month is literally half my pocket money, but worth it) today and spent 4 hours there. My median day programming is about 3-4 hours now up from previous weeks but still a total noob. I want to finish this short book "Javascript the good parts". After that my co-founder wants me to do typescript. I did hit the gym thrice so I am doing more, but does not feel enough.

Working out, writing front-end code, meditating, and doing math—I hope these daily activities help me a lot. I used to write long-winded paragraphs here and never do anything, so at least this is a start. I still struggle with a lot of issues, and my parents are rightfully worried that I will be left behind in Rajasthan forever. I will post more updates. Next week, I will aim for 7 hours of Javascript and 2 hours of math.

My interest in Twitter and the internet is now close to zero. I don't wanna know what xyz tech guy or nrx anon is upto, even girls since I nuked Instagram, there is endless info out there that is just pointless, I dont want to be 30 and still in a limbo, I am somewhat happy that I did something. 9 hours of work every day is a reasonable target given I can hit 8 now, I do feel tired and stupid after it.

edit - 8, so a few months before turning 25, I hit the daily work target of the average guy. I dunno if I should be happy about it or sad, definitely better than what I did last week, month or decade.

I hit the daily work target of the average guy.

Eight real hours of actual work is substantially above average.

In the 8.5 hours between my clock-in and clock-out times, I have 7.33 hours designated as "work". The remainder is breaks. Of those 7.33 hours, I'd be lucky to get six hours of actual work amid all of the waiting, standing by, being available, walking places, and other not-directly-productive tasks.

My actual output was close to 4 though, I wish to hit 12 on the time I spend working and what I get out.

I'm very behind on life, as long as I keep pushing more and balance that with meditation, a good rohtine, working out, I should be able to work more. Again working on the right thing the fight way matters too so I'll post more details.

I'll keep posting here, 9 hours is a good aim for 7 days.

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