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PaperclipPerfector  11mo ago (text post)   2602 thread views

Wellness Wednesday for January 10, 2024

The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:

  • Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.

  • Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.

  • Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.

  • Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).

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I want to do a few lengthy fasts in the coming weeks. Any recommendations for natural supplements I should be taking to compensate for the lack of nutrition? If there are any that also help with concentration or hunger suppression, that would be ideal.

What I've heard from some people who fast is that they take in electrolytes. Sodium, potassium, magnesium. Not sure how. A powder or tablets perhaps.

Other than that, more green tea than usual. Or green tea extract. L-theanine is a good non-addictive anxiolytic and mind-stabilizer. May or may not aid with staying on track with fasting.

Edit: Oh yeah, you should probably take your usual supplements too. Omega-3, D-vitamin, multivitamin.

answer this and you solve obesity . obviously easier said than done. the solution (e.g. drugs, cigarettes) would negate the health benefits of the fast. Maybe lots of coffee or other forms of caffeine.

If there are any that also help with concentration or hunger suppression, that would be ideal.

You're looking for cigarettes.

Food poisoning worked for me.

Is there any good, comfortable leisure wear that won't fill you with micro or nano plastics? Is synthetic material the only way to make cloth stretchy?

I want something to wear at home that is comfy and soft and preferably stretchy without being a potential health risk.

So, what you're looking for isn't a material, it's a particular way of knitting the fabric. Synthetics achieve stretch through fibers that are stretchy, natural fibers achieve it through knitting the fabric in a way that allows stretch in the knots of the fabric. What you sacrifice there is some durability, but that's not a huge concern in and of itself. Think of a sweater: it will stretch quite a bit, despite having no synthetic in it, you can move in it, but you tend to need to baby it, you wouldn't wear a cashmere sweater as an outer garment hiking the Appalachian trail.

For workout pants, I recommend these from LAA (run by the guy who used to run American Apparel before being MeToo'd on soft charges, all clothing MiUSA by workers earning decent salaries)

https://losangelesapparel.net/products/1205gd-mens-heavy-jersey-garment-dyed-casual-pant?variant=42235598438579

The jersey fabric will give it enough stretch to do basic exercises. It doesn't have the stretch of a pair of Vuori joggers that are 10% spandex, but it has enough that I can engage in casual olympic weightlifting or yoga in them. I don't know that they would hold up to hundreds of reps of full clean, or to rock climbing in them regularly, but I haven't subjected them to that (I don't really object to synthetics). They also look good enough, if clean and ironed, that I've worn them with a polo and a Sportcoat to a nice dinner or to summer mass, and certainly you won't look decrepit or destitute wearing it to the grocery store, obviously pending how they happen to fit you rather than my weird-ass body. They also make the same thing in shorts, but I haven't actually bought those.

For tops, basic cotton t shirts in a knit should work. LAA makes some that are probably fine, I generally wear the same kirkland signature t shirts I wear for everything else for working out. For heavier tops, the aforementioned lightweight cashmere sweaters tend to have a ton of stretch to them, but lack durability. Thrift them or buy cheap (Banana Republic, Uniqlo) brands on Poshmark, over time I got a stable of them at around $10-15 that I abuse. They will wear out over time, rock climbing in thrift store cashmere they tended to be unwearable after about 2 years, but that isn't really a problem if they're cheap and bought second hand, they have excellent warmth vs weight and stretch.

Alternatively, you can look for stuff like the classic Gramicci pants, designed for rock climbing, which are a super durable cotton with no stretch that achieves mobility through a crotch gusset. But not necessarily a lounge pant. In general stretch/softness vs durability are a tradeoff.

Okay, makes sense. Thanks for the info.

LAA don't ship to my country, but I'll have a look for similar options here.

That sucks, I love LAA stuff. They've been taking over my wardrobe, anything I can buy MiUSA for not a fortune is a winner for me.

Wool?

Any reason they have to be stretchy? Couldn't they just be loose fitting like a big t-shirt+ shorts or a robe/kaftan?

Stretchy because a) that's good for exercise at home, cross-legged meditation, yoga, and b) I generally feel better in relatively tight/normal fitting clothes that look okay, so that I can swoop down to the nearest grocery store without changing. But I may have to compromise on this, I guess.

ChatGPT says I should look for organic cotton, hemp, bamboo, linen, tencel, wool, silk. Last year I tried asking in a few sports stores for clothes that were without synthetics and could be used for exercise, they didn't have anything. Not sure how to find clothes made from those suggested materials.

I have one big problem with my current relationship and I'm desperate. Basically since it has begun I've experienced constant low level pain and discomfort that increases when alone.

Before I've always had near perfect mental health which makes it worse. It's even made me consider breaking up with my girlfriend over it, despite everything else being great. None of my normal coping strategies work.

I'm having negative thoughts surrounding her previous relationships. Specifically that she has let herself be fucked by and been emotionally intimate with seemingly pathetic dudes and dudes in generall(very few though!!). It goes beyond that though and into general thoughts of inadequacy that make me want to receive constant reassurance that I'm the best she's ever had. Which I do know is true cognitively (I'm a chadlite, and have no trouble getting on dates with the rare Woman I actually meet and who interests me), but it's something I emotionally “forget” about. Again before this I would have considered myself an extremely self assured and level headed person.

These negative thoughts are plain making my quality of life worse and are a huge distraction.

Additional context: were both in our early twenties, this is my first serious relationship, not hers. I know we have great sex but for some reason I always desire assurance that it is the best she's ever had. (Which in a moment of weakness where I asked for it, she has given but it still leaves me feeling that even so the other guys did one particular thing better than me.)

Assume I'm not an idiot. Im fully aware I sound like an insecure wet noodle. Trust me, I'm not. I try my best to avoid annoying her with this and to communicate my feelings clearly. Despite successfully avoiding thinking about it, accepting the feeling and therapising myself, the disconnected pain still lingers

I'm looking for personal anecdotes and advice to help me understand what is happening.

High Fidelity is an entire novel dedicated to navigating this specific male insecurity. It's absolutely hilarious and you'll have the whole thing read in a day or two.

Speed read the whole thing in a couple of hours. Focusing on the bits that interested me the most.

Made me feel pretty terrible. Very triggering to read.. But it did give very good reasons to stop being a whiny bitch around my gf.

The author was amazing at capturing the exact feeling i got when it comes to this insecurity.

Maybe i also got it because my first girlfriemd left me for a different guy too.

Well, its sounds like a fairly normal story about burgeoning young(ish) love, which tends to arouse strong emotions. But for the sake of all that is good, somebody needs to point out that you painted a textbook picture of insecurity. This is not a pointed insult, but something you need to face head on. I suspect avoiding this label is part of why it lingers because "general thoughts of inadequacy that make me want to receive constant reassurance that I'm the best she's ever had" is practically the definition of insecurity. But at the end of the day... so what? So you feel insecure that you might not be the best lay your girlfriend ever had, and something about this causes you distress. This is not uncommon, but it is no reason to even entertain the idea of ending an intimate relationship with another human being. It is clearly not a 'her' problem. So maybe you are or maybe you aren't; maybe you will be or maybe you will never be the best sex she's ever had. Date her long enough, love her, and make her feel loved, and you probably will be, but that's besides the point. This is not important in the vast majority of long term relationships. As for solutions, the wisdom that comes with age will eventually dissolve your current concerns, but don't let that stop you from getting wiser faster than the rest. Self therapy, google, and philosophy can certainly help. Best of luck.

Tactical advice:

Don't bring this up with your partner. Insecurity kills relationships. If you don't talk about it, will it still manifest in other actions and behaviors? Maybe. But actively talking about it is certainly a powerful catalyst.

But forget the Tactical advice. When you start seeing relationships as a game with tactics you're missing the point. Sure, you can "win" them, but you're no longer in a relationship. This is what the Tate-style redpillers don't get.

My more earnest advice is to start the long, gradual, and difficult process of ceasing to look for personal validation from other people. That's an emotional addiction cycle you don't want to start. This does not mean falling into the grotesque postmodern mindset of demanding the world accept and celebrate you - warts and all. You need to continue to use the feedback from other people as a gauge on your own behavior or decision making. But not essential self-worth I know it may sound a little squishy and almost like a semantic quibble. The distinction is powerful. You have intrinsic value as a human, and you have control over your behavior and decisions. Use feedback from others to improve that behavior (according to your own well defined moral code) while maintaining a base level of self-validation based mostly on personal adherence to a virtuous moral code. This will take you through even the craziest extremes of poverty/wealth, sickness/health, social esteem / banishment. (Side note: I'm not recommending anything like the "Sigma Male" bullshit. Be a responsible and productive member of your community)

The old adage is that "women like a man with confidence." If you're constantly opening that core level self-validation in hopes the world will support it, you have zero self-developed confidence. If, on the other hand, you're an obstinate, arrogant asshole, you're failing to incorporate meaningful feedback from others and continue patterns of behavior that are anti-social, exploitative, etc. One of the best compliments I ever received was from a girl (ironically, that I wasn't sleeping with ...and never did);

"I can call you on your bullshit and you'll acknowledge it, but you won't immediately change up because I said something. You know who you are."

If you're worrying about your sexual performance in relation to past lovers, then you don't know who you are absolutely; you're seeking validation in a relative-identity way ("where do I rank on this list?"). You can get to the place of "I do sex real good" without reference to anyone else. If you truly do believe that, it'll show through in your behavior.

Wow this is a great write up with genuine and classic advice. Love to see it

Make sure you smash that like button.

If it helps, you can try reframing things mentally as you being a step up from the previous losers when she realized her worth/understood that they weren't good enough for her. Which might well be true, I knew plenty of women who were with boyfriends who seemed frankly subpar, and I even loved some of them (the girls, not the boyfriends).

I have the same thing in reverse (not that I experience the same degree of mental suffering, more mental groaning) when I learn about the kinds of guys my ex (amicably separated for unavoidable reasons) dated/slept with after me. 40 yo divorcees, 35 yo men who suddenly asked if she was OK with an open relationship, broke-ass starving artists. But that's more from concern about her wellbeing and future happiness, and only slightly because it makes me feel like she lacked standards when we were together (she was actually rather picky and turned down loads of guys, including my best friend at the time). It did, however, convince me that women do have a harder time than you might naively think finding decent dates or longterm prospects even after dating apps offer an endless cock buffet. I would be much happier for her if she found a decent guy to settle down with, though I can't really offer myself. Even if it couldn't work out in the long run, she deserves better.

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so” - Shakespeare when asked about your girls partner(s)

Which in a moment of weakness where I asked for it, she has given but it still leaves me feeling that even so the other guys did one particular thing better than me.

In addition to what @FiveHourMarathon and @2rafa said below, which I endorse fully, one other thing that might not exactly be helpful to think about but is grounded in reality is that one of those guys might have done one particular thing better than you, and it might have been sex. There are plenty of people that are complete losers, but actually very good at one thing - playing a guitar, shooting a basketball, fixing car engines, or fucking.

While it's completely normal to want to be just plain better than previous partners at everything, and especially at fucking, the reality is that this just doesn't matter very much to the long-run success of the relationship. As FiveHour correctly notes, time together will ultimately trump whatever natural predilection she (and you) might have had for another person's style and effort in bed. You'll get better together, but it will also just be entirely clear that there simply is no hangup around how one time, five years, someone else was good in the sack. I'm not saying that this can't possibly cause a twinge of insecurity, even years later, just that this insecurity is so utterly unimportant compared to all the good of a successful relationship that you won't care very much.

As corny and cliche as it may seem, I think the biggest thing you can do when you have these kinds of thoughts is to remind yourself that she's with you because she wants to be with you.

I know we have great sex but for some reason I always desire assurance that it is the best she's ever had.

First I want to assure you that this is normal. I've had a lot of friends who felt this way, I recall a buddy of mine telling me specifically that he would only ever date virgins for that reason. Everything @2rafa said.

Second, do not bring this up to her. You will end up in a weird morass. Don't ask her to tell you you're the best, you won't believe her anyway, you will convince yourself she is lying, that you're actually mediocre. It is too definite a statement to believe. Instead, focus on making sure she's letting you know that you're special. That you have value, that you do this or that really well. That's a normal human desire to carry, for both men and women.

Third, time is really the answer here. As y'all are together longer, the past will seem smaller, less important. I once woke up in college, still drunk, and called my now-wife by my ex-girlfriend's first name. Oh boy howdy did she get insecure about that. At the time, I'd dated the ex for a a year, and been with now-Mrs. FiveHour for two weeks. 12 years later, that year seems kind of insignificant. Especially with sex: a year from now your sex life with your partner will be better, you'll know the combination to that safe, and you will have time to play out fantasies and have experiences that neither of you had before. You won't need to ask if you are the best, if you're special, you'll know.

You’re experiencing something that happens when you actually really like the person you’re with, which is fear of loss. Many people voluntarily (if subconsciously) stay in middling relationships for years because they’re more comfortable, because it doesn’t really matter what happens, because there’s a voice in your head saying “well if he cheats, or if he leaves me, I don’t really care”. This was me years ago, too.

The alternative is what you have now. Something where you care so much you actually experience the dread of loss. Where your partner getting sick and having medical tests done that could be something serious is as scary and painful as it happening to you, where being away from them hurts (at least at the beginning), where your mind is only happy to conjure up a thousand awful scenarios that result in your imminent or eventual heartbreak because it knows how invested it is and you are. That’s love. 🤷‍♀️

I do have a bad habit of trivializing the relationship around (non-mutual)friends, and implying I'm not that close to her, pretending that I might break up eventually soon. In actuality, I am however very committed.

I think the comments to my post are bringing me to the conclusion that these new and powerful emotions are just whizzing about waiting to be expressed in whatever way they can to be. Be it painful neuroses or positive feelings of longing and affection. So I guess it's back to waiting for the tide to wash over me. It has been slowly and steadily getting better, I think.

I’ll just say, you may find that a serious relationship is the most intense crucible of your life to this point. Committing to someone and hoping to be with them for the rest of your life, or perhaps even start a family, is no joke. It should be taken seriously emotionally.

It sounds like you’re in the mindset that you shouldn’t be feeling weird about it, that you should stay as cool as a cucumber throughout the whole process. Unfortunately that’s just not how these things work, unless you’re a sociopath. Expect to have more emotions down the road if you continue with this lady, and get used to dealing with them. There are all sorts of tactics out there, personally I’d recommend prayer.

I forgot to mention it. Yes, prayer actually helps me a lot of thanks for reminding me, maybe there's something ominous in how I keep forgetting that.

Yes, I am finding this my most emotionally challenging time of my life. I don't intent to shop around, and I've told her as much. The goal is a lifelong bond and something I give utmost spiritual significance too. Other women will cease to exist.

The goal is a lifelong bond and something I give utmost spiritual significance too.

Then why have sex which is causing these troubling issues at present? It seems to be you're not only putting the cart before the horse, but adding a ton of chaos and noise to a serious process. If you take the fun of sex off the table, you're going to spend more time, effort, and attention on the real transcendental parts of each other that must be present for a lifelong bond. It's pretty easy to eat your vegetables when you get a chocolate bar after every other bite.

If you (or her, or both) become less interested in each other because of a lack of sex, well, you've kind of a got an answer right there, don't you?

Well you certainly have the right mindset towards a relationship, kudos to you.

In terms of ominous distractions from prayer, I’d say that’s a 100% certainty. Modern Western societies are essentially gigantic temples to gluttony, greed and other sins.

Sounds to me like you're hoping for your relationship to bestow status upon you which isn't happening because of her (apparent) low standards. Thus the need for verification that you're better than her past encounters. If she chose them and you, you must have something alike.

So the obvious prescriptions (pick your poison as appropriate to the details of the situation and what you can stomach):

a) get your status from something else, your relationship is something you extract resources from/trade with, not something you are proud of

b) realize that nobody else is going to know about her past, they'll just see you with this hot and successful gf. Doll her up and show her off.

c) convince yourself that her past encounters were actually high status. Get to know and respect her exes.

c) convince yourself that she has changed, made mistakes in the past, but now recognized her value. Help her find God/Self Confidence/her talents.

d) find someone choosier or more conventionally attractive.

I think I am above average status conscious, but I don't think this is a status thing. It's mostly my ego being bruised about what it means for her to be with me after those guys.

What is ego but your perception of your status? Oxford Dictionary: Ego: a person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance. Self Esteem: confidence in one's own worth or abilities. Self Importance: an exaggerated sense of one's own value or importance.

I think your response to 2rafa clearly shows it is a status thing, but it may be best to drop the status framing even if it is accurate because a lot of people lose the ability to cooperate when thinking directly about status. They can only see villains maneuvering and thus act that part. WalterODim and FiveHourMarathon have some great advice in my opinion, so if my model of relationships grinds with you I'd recommend trying out theirs.

Ego is your importance in your own eyes, status your importance in others'. Very closely related, but in this case importantly different; e.g. to successfully "realize that nobody else is going to know about her past" would solve status-based anxieties but not ego-based ones.

This kind of specific neurosis sounds like something that CBT or therapy in general is good at treating.

YMMV. I have struggled with similar thoughts in my relationship, and therapy didn't do a damn thing for me. Truthfully, nothing has helped and even after 6 years of marriage I still have the thoughts with some regularity, and it still hurts. I just do my best to try to not think about it.

You asked for it.

I had a thing in high school where, when faced with the attention of females, I would become so emotionally fraught that I would vomit. You may feel that this is unrelated to what you've written here, and I realize I am being somewhat vague when I say "attention of females," but just give me a minute.

The neurosis--if that's what we can call it, and maybe we can't--plagued me for some time. I can remember exactly when it started, when it ended, and when it threatened to return, which is the part of the story relevant to your situation, probably. But let me try and tell this properly.

I will begin, or, rather, continue, by making a statement that will probably come across as extremely arrogant and un-self-aware. Moreso than even the usual Motte dude waxing philosophical about women. That statement is: I am an attractive man.

Okay now that you've done your spit take, let me qualify: I know that I am not everyone's cup of tea, I cannot imagine I am anyone's version of a 10, and I am not particularly wealthy. Plus, now, I am older, or, relative to many on the Motte, just old. Nevertheless, I in my life I have turned heads, caused women to get nervous and awkward just by my speaking to them, etc. I have been on television and modeled for magazines as the "cool guy," blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. All this prelude to suggest that I have had, in some ways, an advantage over many males. But in the days of which I am writing, none of this mattered in any way.

The first time I felt the slow-rising bile was not the first kiss of youth, or any similar situation where you might imagine a callow young manboy might get bent out of shape. No. It was a rather benign moment where I was sitting at the bar counter of my then-girlfriend's kitchen, being served a plate of I think Stouffer's spaghetti. Why that dish, memory does not reveal. But I remember she served me a single portion (she herself wasn't eating) and I sat there and ate it. It probably tasted fine or at least not so bad that I would have wanted to immediately regurgitate it. Let's even say it was good, for after all she served it to me and why be ungrateful? The same is true of the apple crumble she served me as dessert. I believe her mother had made that herself. A nurse, she was, the mother, which isn't important but informs what happens later.

So I ate the crumble. It was good. Hot and very sweet and something I have never had since, though I had always liked it. But something about the sensation of fullness in this moment collided with whatever else was going on in the warring of my para- and sympathetic nervous systems, and I knew immediately what was to happen. I managed to croak out "excuse me for a second" and may have even said "I need to go to the bathroom." I remember she, my girlfriend, a lovely green-eyed stawberry blonde daughter of a university professor, looked at me with an expression of confused worry, but said simply "Okay" and turned back to her mother, who by now had come into the kitchen to perhaps see how I liked her apple crumble.

I made it almost all the way to the toilet. The key word is of course almost. What happened next is disgusting to relate (this isn't askreddit, after all) so I won't. Suffice to say I threw up, albeit quietly, there in front of the bathroom door. They had hardwood flooring, I recall. Oddly--well, the whole thing was odd--but oddly now that my stomach had relieved itself of its contents I was no longer nauseous. Which of course did not mean that I now had any idea what to do next. After a moment of standing there in baffled shock in the hallway, I stepped over it, rinsed my mouth and face, and returned with as much dignity as I could summon to the kitchen, saying "Can I possibly have a paper towel or something? I just sort of threw up."

They were kind people. As a nurse, the mother's instinctive, first reaction was to stabilize. They sat me down, they fetched me a glass of water, they adopted furrowed brows. There was no lip-curled disgust. No "Eeww" or similar. The mother instructed her daughter to lay me down on one of their couches in a dim room, and dispatched herself to the hallway for the unenviable task of cleanup.

They both seemed to suspect illness. My temperature was taken. I was worried over and pampered and urged to just relax, sip the water, don't worry about a thing. Only I knew the unspeakable truth, one that I dared not tell--the truth all males in such a situation know and have known throughout time: I was not physically impaired. I was just fucking scared shitless.

Now. While I say men throughout time have realized this about themselves, it's true that they have had such moments of purging panic fear in extremely different circumstances: When confronted unexpectedly with a woolly mammoth, or at the call of "Charge!" or in the ball-turret at 30,000 feet, or when about to storm a fucking beach under mortar fire. These men have puked in abject fear. And so be it. I, though, maybe because I had never been tested, maybe because I wasn't much of an athlete, or maybe because I had just watched too much goddam TV--I puked in the warm kitchen of a beautiful girl serving me comfort food. The heart is a lonely hunter.

Fast forward weeks, months, to prom night. She was wearing one of those strapless dresses where her shoulders were bare, as if she were rising up like Aphrodite out of it, and the moment arrived when I was supposed to do my thing as we lay there on yet another dark couch, and pull the dress down. I mean even in my state of chode-hood I wasn't incapable of reading signals. And so what, then, gentle reader, do you imagine I did?

At least I made it to the bathroom this time.

Let me be clear here in my description of what was happening: I was not revolted. There was no feeling of disgust, which is what is usually associated with vomiting or the urge to do so. Quite the contrary. The cause, as I have suggested, was panic fear. A normal reaction to stimuli thrown into bizarro world.

I lived with this for some time. I eventually broke up with the kind green-eyed girl. She married a close friend of mine. Then divorced him. Anyway the experience of wanting to puke any time I felt a tingling in my loins or flutter in the heart did not just go away. I was to feel this in many instances as I got older. Probably I should have drunk alcohol or ingested some other substance to lubricate my social self, but I was raised in a teetotaling household and wasn't equipped with the wherewithal. And although I came to drink eventually, and, eventually, even get high from time to time, this was always in a very specific context with a specific friend (who I've written about in a separate, equally rambling post).

I can remember moments poised over the porcelain dry-heaving, praying audibly as we are said to do when at the end of our respective ropes: "Please, make this stop." And it didn't, and wouldn't, for a long long time. Until it did. A time for all things, I suppose.

Now we move in time. Now in the story I am early twenties. I am still a virgin. I have left home and moved to Africa as a Peace Corps volunteer. In my training group I meet a leggy brunette with bookish glasses and doe eyes, and I fuck her in a tent as we camp in a dark gorge away from our training group. Accidentally. She laughs that I am a virgin, but not in a mocking way. I am, to her--she a wild artist a few years older from Huntingdon Beach--I am like someone from a Harper Lee story. I embody a southern gentlemen fetish she never knew she had. And she shepherds me patiently through my belated sexual awakening--and Christ looking back on it how insatiable are young men, or at least we were then. Surely it wasn't just me.

So what does any of this have to do with your question or issue?

After I returned to the US I had changed. Many events far too numerous to write out or even summarize occurred in the interim, but suffice to say I came of age, whatever that phrase means for you. I left a boy and returned a man. I began to be the guy who threw parties. I organized social functions. I became gregarious, at least for a time. And in short order I met a new girl (the woman in tent I had long ago left behind, and then she had quickly moved on. Other entanglements had followed.) This new young woman I have also alluded to in these threads. She was a very attractive, confident, intellectual Jewish girl (not that that last part matters except that she was the only Jewish girl I was ever intimate with.) And we had sex and then she stopped answering my calls. And then the old familiar feeling returned.

In those days we still used answering machines. I'd call hers and leave messages I hoped were funny. And some of them probably were. It didn't matter. I saw her in a Camaro next to some buff dude who looked like his idea of good conversation was talking about Bama football, or bong types, or titties. And she was hanging on his side like a nymph to his Apollo.

Next time I saw her was at a bar. Two seconds later I felt like hitting the toilet. I didn't . Instead I spoke to her, had a laugh, and took my leave . I decided I wouldn't care about anyone enough again to be that worried what they thought. This required a considerable amount of bootstrapping for me to convince myself. But apparently, I did. A time for all things.

Is there any advice in here? God knows. But it's an anecdote, and you asked. Good luck man. I'm rooting for you.

This sounds like a great time to talk about our panics when dating.

Here's a fun one for you. Have you ever been out for a drive with a woman, limp as a wet noodle, and it is only after she leaves that you get erect? This happened with one woman who I met while hawking meats at a grocery store.

Have you ever had your leg suddenly shake uncontrollably when both your pants are off? This happened with a woman that I used to know back in my freshman year of high school, that I reconnected with in my early 20s.

Have you ever accidentally eaten so much at a date, all your blood rushes up into your stomach - leaving you unable to escalate the rapport? This happened after meeting a woman on a flight home from a job interview.

Guys, I have fucked up so much due to anxiety and inability to predict my own biology. It's kind of a wonder I managed to have kids at all.

If you're failing, at least it means you're trying.

These are unfamiliar phenomenon to me, but also vaguely reassuring. I am also married now with two sons, and would not have imagined that possible once upon a time. I am also regularly in front of crowds of 120+, and don't feel nervous in the slightest, where at one point the prospect would have sent me bowl-ward. Life's a romp.

In my training group I meet a leggy brunette with bookish glasses and doe eyes, and I fuck her in a tent as we camp in a dark gorge away from our training group. Accidentally.

How do you accidentally fuck?

I'll answer that with a riddle.

What's easy to do, when quite hard?

Our resident poet laureate.

A candle among torches.

Thanks man. I guess that's one way to overcome things. I'm attempting to keep my heart unbroken, though, fearless in love and all that. So your strategy is not something I will try to pursue...

I enjoyed reading your story!

Thanks Don't take me wrong Love above all else, etc. It's the neediness one wants to avoid. There's the rub.

I wonder how common this feeling is, especially outside the west (less impacted by the sexual revolution), say in the Arab world and maybe India. I wonder how much this plays into the various cultural and religious mandates that people are virgins going into marriage, ensuring emotional and sexual security within marriages. Then there is something to contrast with their marrying of widows or widowers.

How did birth control really work before condoms/pills/spirals? If I google for this I get all sorts of weird factoids (sheep skin condoms, animal dung vagina blocking something etc) that makes me think that people probably had other less weird/disgusting methods. After all there were societies with fertility rates around 2 and even below before these technologies

Re sheep skin condoms: 1) they're actually sheep intestine, 2) they're great

That said, I don't know how old their use is, or if DIY sheep condoms were common, or if they would have been as surprisingly not gross as the kind you can buy today.

Should I ask how you that they are great?

I mean, you can reasonably infer, but just in case - I bought them on Amazon and put them on my penis and that into the woman.

For some reason this comment just tickled my inner 14-year-old. I actually laughed out loud at this, well played.

Name checks out. ;)

You can purchase 'lambskin' condoms from most big-box stores in the United States, usually under Trojan NaturaLamb, since they're popular for people with latex allergies or who find latex condoms uncomfortable. That said, they're a) a bit more expensive per-condom, and b) do not reliably protect against most STIs, so they've fallen out of popularity in the casual sex crowd. Also smell a little different.

I think they're available in the UK/EU/AU, as well, but I haven't see them available at convenience stores the few times I went looking.

a bit more expensive

5-10x roughly - about $3

Pulling out?

I have always been taught that this is not an actually effective method. Was this wrong?

The perfect-use failure rate for withdrawal is 4% compared to 3% for condoms; similarly, within the first year of use, 18% of couples relying on withdrawal will experience a pregnancy, comparable to the 17% of couples using male condoms

Who are these 17% per year getting pregnant with condoms?

But anyways, a bit of googling shows a few sources claiming condoms and flawless pullout technique are pretty similar.

Broken condoms, skipping putting it on when passion is running too high, ”let’s do a bit without and then put it on” type of calculations etc

Essentially every aspect of American sex education is lie from the pull out method not working to heterosexual sex being a reliable vector of HIV transmission. If it came out of your high school health teacher's mouth, it's a psyop.

The funny thing is, we did not really have sex-ed at school as I grew up in Turkey (and have teenage pregnancy rates in very low single digits, go figure m) but a specific biology teacher who considered herself very modern and progressive and did some grad course in the US dumped the American high school sex-ed curriculum on my high school class. A bit ashamed to say that I am personally a rather risk averse person so for years I just kept a condom unless the girl asked for otherwise and never bothered to research much about it beyond this.

Same, and basically everyone bought this story wholesale in the U.S. No shame in it, it's a very human condition.

When they teach kids that pulling out doesn't work, it's 99 percent a lie. They just don't trust people to not fuck up

What you're told in sex-ed that pre-ejaculate fluid contains lots of sperm and will totally get you pregnant is basically a lie, yeah -- my guess is that they're going for a noble lie in that the timing aspect is easy to screw up, especially for teenagers. But yeah, no semen --> no babies if you can pull it off. (out)

I suspect this was used a lot historically -- thus all the fuss about Onan.

At first glance, it looks like the sperm counts in pre-ejaculate range from zero at the median to "same concentration as ejaculate, albeit with much less total volume" in a large minority of cases.

But yeah, I always assumed that the "not actually effective" comes from the difference between birth-control-as-designed and birth-control-as-practiced. The Pill goes from like 99% down to like 90% effective when the typical user forgets to always take it on time, and that's for a method where the time you need to be conscientious and the time you need to be passionate don't overlap.

thus all the fuss about Onan.

It's so odd that "onanism" got used to mean pulling-out and masturbation in general. Maybe the Bronze Age was a more strait-laced time, but surely the guy with a weird (or anti-WEIRD? - that rule spanned continents??) marriage-duty toward his dead brother's widow wasn't the first wanker they ever found to make an example of? And if not, then surely they were making an example out of the "you must fulfill your duty to your brother and your sister-in-law" violation aspect of his actions, not the "every sperm is sacred" violation?

I thought the myth started because if you have sex a second time after ejaculating without peeing in between, then the leftover sperm from the first one can impregnate the woman even if you successfully pull out on the second one. This critical detail got lost, and so people reasoned, "Where could that sperm to impregnate be coming from? I know, even the pre-ejaculate fluid must have enough sperm to impregnate!" and since no one ever checks anything when it comes to education about anything sex, this made its way into sex ed, and then became the Truth.

Depends on your metrics.

The official numbers for 1-year pregnancy rate give around 22% normal use, 4% perfect use for withdrawal, as compared to 13%/2% for condoms and 20ish%/2% for natural family planning. These numbers are a little 'fake' -- they're selecting from a much-more-fertile-than-average demographic, exactly what separates perfect use from normal use varies a lot by method and study, a few methods (esp outercourse) get treated as always-perfectly-used, and there's not really a comparable number for no-contraception-at-all besides a very approximate 80%ish -- but they're still directionally useful.

Maybe they used something like this: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/natural-family-planning/

I was into a girl who did this at some point. Didn’t want to question her too much to not kill the mood. Thanks for giving me the key word to search. I believe this is indeed what I was mostly looking for

I had this question once. There's some big writeup on it on /r/history, but to sum up, I remember the following: malnutrition could have reduced fertility, stuff like intercrural sex could have been more common, and the big favorite, they could have given birth and then left the baby to die on a hill somewhere.

It focuses a lot on prostitution but still a decent answer

I seem to recall there were more than a few fairy tales/fables that started with barren couples that went out for a walk one day and found a baby abandoned on their path.

I believe in Roman times there was an herb/plant that was quite effective as a birth control. but it was used to extinction. I searched it up and it seems to have been known as Silphium. It seems to be called both a contraceptive and aphrodisiac which is interesting. There's still a debate on which plant it was but I'm not surprised the Romans used it to extinction if it was real.

Probably other herbs/concoctions had varying levels of effectiveness, as well as pulling out or engaging in other kinds of sexual acts that wouldn't result in pregnancy. It might be worth looking into the history of prostitution/sex in Japan to see what was done there. Many women actually wrote fiction and diaries in Japan during the Heian period and beyond so there could be a lot of documentation and scholarly research on that subject.

There's still a debate on which plant it was but I'm not surprised the Romans used it to extinction if it was real.

It's kind of surprising. Generally plants that are useful to humans flourish due to intentional cultivation. It's not like wheat went extinct. Though the Wikipedia article does mention some speculation that it may not have been amenable to cultivation for some reason.

It seems to be called both a contraceptive and aphrodisiac which is interesting.

I could see how pregnancy risk free sex would be an aphrodisiac in certain circumstances.

A friend of mine is going through a bit of a down time as a result of a miscarriage, and it has me thinking: are early alert pregnancy tests creating a problem of people being upset over miscarriages they would never have been certain they had before?

Her pregnancy was very early stage, she wasn't showing at all whatsoever, and it's the kind of thing that would have been a single missed period and then it came back, if she didn't have the pregnancy test to tell her that it happened. Some reports believe that up to 40% of pregnancies end in miscarriage early on, and most put it at around 20%. Parents to be are frequently advised not to tell people about the pregnancy until several months in to avoid a false alarm.

I'm watching my friend suffer psychologically on this (I suspect that her suffering is magnified by a lot of shit she talked after having her first kid, talking about how people she knew who were having trouble conceiving were probably struggling as a result of their usage of vaccines/birth control), and I'm thinking to myself: she should never have known this happened.

Our first miscarriage was a major blessing because up to that point we weren't even sure that my wife could get pregnant. So it was sad, but ultimately we saw it as a positive. And wouldn't have known without early detection

are early alert pregnancy tests creating a problem of people being upset over miscarriages they would never have been certain they had before?

We're expecting our fourth. When she was trying, she (probably) had a very early miscarriage that, to your point would have been just a slightly late period and never known. My wife got more bummed about it than I had expected.

But I will hypothesize that rather than your friend having a bruised ego about ease of conception, it's probably something more like the actualization of her existing child and observable uniqueness projects more intensely on the 'what could have been' of the miscarriage.

I think you're more intensely aware of, 'this is a unique, non-fungible individual'.

We're expecting our fourth.

Mazel tov.

I suspect that her suffering is magnified by a lot of shit she talked after having her first kid, talking about how people she knew who were having trouble conceiving were probably struggling as a result of their usage of vaccines/birth control), and I'm thinking to myself: she should never have known this happened.

I think this is it. Either people have something like this or fertility issues which makes the whole thing traumatic or it's just a bit sad but mostly a nothing burger. You just try again and likely have a successful pregnancy.

This happened to me and my wife before our first and it wasn't a big deal for either of us. Since we've had kids it's come up with other parents and it's not been a big deal for anyone that conceives easily but it's of course a sore spot for those having trouble, but I suspect that would be the case pregnancy test or not. You miss a period, get your hopes up, it comes ~the month after and you're crushed.

It seems like a hard thing to talk about without going into TMI territory. Unless it was right after conception, she could probably still have inferred, though the tests do seem likely to create more hype and then let down.

A couple of months ago, I was extremely nauseous when my period was supposed to start for no discernible reasons, in waves, all day (I am almost never nauseous), then had an unusually heavy and sudden period, so that was probably something that tried to start, but then couldn't. I don't really have feelings about it, but might if I had a harder time conceiving in general. Also, some women have extremely regular periods, where it would be very obvious if a period was even a couple of days late, followed by a somewhat irregular period.

(I suspect that her suffering is magnified by a lot of shit she talked after having her first kid, talking about how people she knew who were having trouble conceiving were probably struggling as a result of their usage of vaccines/birth control)

Huh. Yeah, she might also have some nonstandard beliefs that aren't helping there.

Is she actively trying to conceive and having trouble? I guess the pregnancy test is more concrete confirmation, but a late/missed period is hope even without that, and it hurts to have that hope and then lose it.

I'm not entirely sure. Her husband tells me he'd like to wait a year or two, but then he told me that before kid #1.

Finally found a doctor who is taking my various intermittent symptoms seriously (joint & muscle pain, dry eyes, burning nerve sensation), and my ANA came back positive, though at a borderline titer (it was negative 3 years ago though, and I'm male, early 30s). I see her in a couple weeks, and while I'm not jumping to conclusions (under the understanding that autoimmune issues are much more complex than a mildly-positive ANA), I am worried about the realities of management of rheumatoid arthritis or lupus or another autoimmune issue.

Wondering if anyone else here has any experience in this kind of territory and has any advice?

2 years ago I was diagnosed with ankylosing spondilitis, a rheumatologic autoimmune disease that slowly fuses my vertebrae in my lower back together, affecting my mobility. It was detected through referal to an ophtalmologist and then rheumatologist from an optometrist who found it weird that I would have an uveitis (intra occular inflamation) out of the blue at my age (mid 30s) for no discernable reason and asked a few question about back pain (most important factor in this was that the back pain would increase at rest and decrease in movement).

Have you been tested for the gene HLA-B27? Assuming that comes back positive, with the mildly positive ANA and the inflammation symptoms, the conclusion is pretty clear.

If you are diagnosed for an rheumatologic autoimmune disease, I'd say expect to have a lot of little issues that will make more sense. From what I understand if you are diagnosed with one of the autoimmune diseases correlated with the HLA-B27 gene, you probably have symptoms from many of them, although sometimes at below diagnostic levels. I've struggled with frequent heartburn that I could not explain as reflux, makes a lot more sense if my esophagous is just prone to inflammation. Do you have random bouts of diarrhea? IBD is in that category, maybe you don't quite reach the criteria for diagnostic, but don't be too surprised. It can help guide doctors too in the future when you have issues; doctors tend to see inflammation as a symptom of another issue and will expect that if they find and treat that other issue the inflammation will go away, and that would be correct for most of the population, but with an autoimmune disease the inflammation could very well have happened for no reason than you body hating you that day, and should be treated directly (usually with cortisone). Skin inflammation (psoriasis or dermatitis) that doctors failed to treat when they assumed it was bacterial or fungal in origin? Makes a lot more sense when you know your body is prone to autoimmune inflammation for no underlying reason.

As I'm sure you're aware, these conditions are not considered curable right now, but on the upside, NSAIDs have been working very well for me, both ibuprofen and slow-release prescription diclofenac. If I feel I'm in an inflammatory period, one ibuprofen before bed is enough to avoid waking up in the middle of the night with pain and a stiff back. You mention dry eyes: watch out for uveitis as that is the symptom with the biggest impact on my life and it can cause long term damage to your vision. I'm currently in the middle of a long course of corticosteroid drops after an acute uveitis (the kind that had the optometrist and ophtalmologist talk in a very serious and worried tone) and I'm worried I could come out on the other side of it with significant vision loss in the affected eye. If you have eye irritation that seems to come from inside the eye that lubricating drops (get good ones, they can help a lot with the dryness) are not controlling, quickly go see an ophtalmologist, or if you can't see one like that directly, an optometrist for an "ocular emergency" (many optometrists offer emergency consultations). Skip the generalist. The generalist I initially saw for my first uveitis was clueless, he diagnosed me with a bacterial conjunctivitis and prescribed me antibiotic drops which made my issue worse. They simply are not equipped (in both knowledge and actual medical equipment) to diagnose eye issues.

Thank you! This is really helpful.

So my update here is that a stool test came back with extremely low pancreatic elastaze 1 level (31) and a high amount of Klebsiella oxytosa, which is fairly correlated with ankolyzing spondylitis. Next steps are to essentially rule out some bad stuff like pancreatic cancer and chronic pancreatitis with an ultrasound or CAT scan and simultaneously treat the klebsiella and what looks like SIBO. Doc is checking HLA-B27, amylase and lipase, rheumatoid factor too, so I should have some answers soon.

I’m glad I found a doc to take my symptoms seriously, no one else would’ve ever detected that my exogenous pancreatic function was cratered. Most doctors make it clear they either don’t care or that trying to deal with chronic issues is like witchcraft. I feel like I was living with mild symptoms for years and all of a sudden they’re much larger, and if docs cared to take me seriously back then I wouldn’t be in this situation. I worry I’m about to cross the rubicon into chronic illness or serious acute illness and I just want to feel like I have agency to fix things.

I couldn't find the post about a 100% burpee program either by going through every WW thread or by searching, but I'm quite sure someone made it a week or two ago. Anyway, I went and looked at the program, here's the gist:

  • you train 80 minutes a week
  • you spend these 80 minutes either doing burpees or trying to catch your breath between sets of burpees
  • you do both six-count (squat, hip thrust, push-up) or navy seal (+2 more push-ups combined with mountain climbers) burpees, preferably in a 50:50 split (40 minutes of one, 40 of the other)
  • you measure your progress by how many of each you can do in 20 minutes (one or the other, not both in the same 20 minutes):

I tried this myself and got to 120 sets of six-counts, which is between levels 1C and 1D. After about 20 sets of six-counts I've been out of breath and had to do the rest in sets of ten.

What's my verdict?

Is it a one-stop program like its author claims? Nope, I would want more variety, something to hit my back at least, and some strength training to complement it.

Is it better than doing nothing? Certainly. You are unlikely to hurt yourself by doing bodyweight exercises, and it has a seductively low barrier to entry, you only need a floor to start.

Should I be doing more aerobic exercises? Certainly.

Are burpees the aerobic exercise for me? Well, I don't dislike them as much as I dislike running, but as far as I know, you need lower intensity aerobic exercise to build up VO2max.

What type of shampoos do y'all try to get rid of that head itch? I've tried various like tea tree oil shampoos et cetera, but haven't done a big search. Typically winter is the worst for me.

Any recommendations?

Is it just itch or dandruff too?

I had pretty bad dandruff for most of my life despite using Head and Shoulders religiously.

The only thing that worked when I was a teenager was T-Gel but I stopped using it as an adult because of the slight cancer risk (you’re basically rubbing tar into your scalp).

I suffered through some more dandruff until finding what I THINK is the solution: Nizoral shampoo. Since I started using it a few years back my dandruff is like 95% gone unless I don’t shampoo for a few days and even then it’s far less than it ever was and comparable, if not slightly more effective even, than the T-Gel.

I still use the head and shoulders because I’ve gotten so used to it and I have no idea if the effect is synergistic between Nizoral and Head and Shoulders but my understanding is that both are antifungals so I think it might be. Regardless I don’t want to risk a regression because dandruff is truly awful so I basically just use both.

Routine is basically: 2x head and shoulders 2x Nizoral 1x conditioner

And I shower about every 2 days and do that every time. I should add that since your original question was about itch, this has also basically eliminated any itching, which I believe was tied to my bad dandruff.

I use shampoo maybe once a month. Contrary to what you might think, my hair is not greasy, looks great, and nobody would expect I basically do not use shampoo. I do not use conditioner either. This fixed my usual winter dandruff and I believe my hair is healthier. I credit 4chan for these revelations.

As @AmericanSaxeCoburgGothic said, less shampooing is the biggest thing for me. Unlike him, I am a conditioner enthusiast, and will use it most days in the winter, even when not shampooing. Your mileage may vary, I know that would be pretty oily for some people, but I don't look or feel greasy from it. Nothing too fancy on the conditioner front, I like this stuff.

Winters I'll use less shampoo (like half of what I use in summer). And on days where I know I won't particularly need to, I'll just rinse and won't use shampoo at all. I'm just a guy with not long hair, but other advice I've heard but not followed is using conditioner and taking warm but not hot showers.

I use this product. Since it's a Finnish product I'm not sure if it's much use to others.

You damn Finns have all the best stuff. Alas. Even your women are super hot.

I'm not sure if it's the specific brand, but my guess is that climbazole - one of the ingredients - is the key, at least in getting rid of dandruff, since I've also used some other climbazole shampoos with the same result. However, it appears to not be licensed as an active ingredient in the Anglo countries.

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