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PaperclipPerfector  1mo ago (text post)   1332 thread views

Wellness Wednesday for December 11, 2024

The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:

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TL;DR:

  • My girlfriend rarely exercises on her own and I do not like this
  • I think it will become an issue for her and our relationship down the line
  • Bringing it up is risky and I would prefer not to (she was dismissive last time I asked and said she'll get back to it, but still hasn't)
  • Looking for advice on her to get her to enjoy exercise more.

I do not want her to become reliant on me to exercise for a few reasons:

  • I won't and don't want to always be there to motivate and/or compel her to exercise
  • I'm not interested in dating someone long-term who isn't into exercise because of the greater likelihood they will end up unhealthy (and thus potentially less attractive to me)

Some background on her and us:

  • She is slightly overweight around the belly area and very self-conscious about it. If I said something it would hurt her feelings.
  • She had a personal trainer that she saw 2-3 times a week, but has since dropped him due to increasing costs
  • She has a gym membership that is 10 min from her house, access to an apartment gym, and access to a nice walking/running trail
  • She requires a mindless program: someone telling her what to do and how to do it, whether in the gym or on the treadmill
  • She's used ClassPass in the past and enjoyed it
  • I've offered to buy her a bike for us to spend quality time together riding (I'm a competitive cyclist) but she declined
  • She knows I'm very into exercise and that I would be willing to support her exercise goals

My plan:

  • Encourage us to eat healthily when together
  • Schedule one gym day a week for us to train together at her gym
  • Set New Year goals for each of us and encourage her to have a fitness one (I'm a believer in Scott Adams' "goals are for losers, systems are for winners", so maybe I'll approach the system way with her)
  • She's mentioned a TikTok person has a fitness program that she'd be interested in, but I think it may be too on the nose and she'd take it the wrong way

Any other advice or ideas that have worked for you all, man or woman?

Dance! set up some couples dance lessons, y’all get some quality time, it’s good exercise, you both get happier. as she gets more in shape she’ll enjoy doing physical activity more.

Why is the amount of exercise so important to you? Don't you know that body fat amount is determined nearly entirely by diet?

Exercise and type of exercise, genetics, and age are all important factors in the degree of body fat, and in the case of genetics, its distribution. I'd agree, however, that sorting out one's diet is key. Unfortunately I think that can only be done from intrinsic (i.e. personal) motivation.

She might do better to find a physically active hobby that she enjoys and/or a physically demanding performance goal that she cares about enough to train for. Or just integrating a higher level of activity into her daily routine (though this is obviously contingent on logistics)--self-propelled commuting and/or errands, treadmill desk, whatever. A modest actuarial improvement in health outcomes is not enough to motivate most people to do something that would otherwise be pointless.

I'd also not expect much change in her appearance/body composition merely from starting to exercise. Lots of people can quite easily eat enough to keep up with whatever energy output they can sustain. If she's not bound and determined to change her physique, her physique probably isn't going to change much.

Alternatively, get her into a punishment/humiliation kink and have her do burpees and tuck jumps and so on as punishment, as per a greentext that I can't find at the moment.

(ETA: https://imgur.com/bdsm-AD4fXMr)

I don't have any experiences with these things, but going to the gym together seems like a great way to find time to socialize with each other while you get your lifts in. I saw lots of couples when I was going to the gym a few months ago, and it seemed like a great way to spend time between sets.

If she's on the treadmill, then it's a bit different, because if I'm exercising hard on there, I won't be able to talk. But I second CertainlyWorse's advice on building a habit for her. If you go to the gym yourself, it should be easy to schedule something and shift the time around a bit.

I haven't done this, but you could consider building a regular exercise habit with her over 3 months or so and then encouraging her to exercise alone (and telling her why; eg that you want her to learn how to do it alone as you won't always be there to bring her). Like you, I think a habit (system) is better than a target.

Otherwise, consider if weight gain will be a deal-breaker in your relationship and do it early before you get married/join finances/have a child together. By weight gain I mean eventual long term descent into chronic obesity, not temporary weight gain from having a child. This might seem hyperbolic, but its a much harder issue to deal with later in a long term relationship or life partnership. Might as well stare it in the face sooner rather than later.

Anyone have recommendations on podcasts in French? Trying to get some more listening hours in to learn the language.

What's your level? After 15 years of zero exposure, only extensive ruins of the language remain to me, so I've been listening to innerFrench and I love it. But if your level of understanding is close to fluency, that podcast will feel slow and annoy you with frequent elaborate definitions (in French).

I listen to innerFrench and it has helped me a lot! It's not boring from a language learning perspective (I checked it out again today and enjoyed it), but the actual subject matter isn't that interesting beyond that. I was thinking something along the lines of a history or French politics podcast, something which would even be interesting in English.

Some days ago—never mind how long precisely—having little or no enthusiasm for my current fitness goals, and nothing particular to interest me in the weightroom, I thought I would take up Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.

A gym recently opened near my home and my office. It's something I've kind of always thought I should try, and no time like the present, so I signed up. They offer classes four nights a week for nogi, three nights a week for gi. I'm more interested in the nogi, in that I feel like I'm a little old to buy a karate uniform, but I'm considering getting one so that I can attend more often/conveniently. My schedule is always weird, so I'll go more if I can go any night. Idk.

I've been to three classes so far. I suck, obviously. But I'm rapidly learning new things.

Mostly, in rolling, I find that I run out of ideas. I don't actually know enough to launch any offensive. I vaguely understand the concept of guard, passing guard, mount, etc. But I quickly run out of strategies to actually attack. So I'm basically just trying to survive whatever my partner is trying to do. Which works some of the time. For a while.

The weird part is realizing that I'm big and strong. I work out a lot, but I'm a bit of a hermit about it, really. Home gym master race. And my goals are generally rather obscure things that no one else cares about. The only social sports things I really do are climbing, where my upper body strength is apparent but also limited by my comparatively large body weight for a climber. But now I'm rolling with someone, and I'm much stronger than he is, and he obviously knows a lot more than me and is much better than me, and he is constantly on the offensive, but I can just rip out of the submission. I rolled with a 17 year old who is training for a comp, and he was constantly on the verge of submitting me, and would have easily if I didn't have thirty pounds on him.

It's weird realizing it. Because normally, in my life, I have few opportunities to really test strength outside my basement.

But eventually, every round has been a process of getting choked out in ways I didn't know were possible. Guess I'll see if I get any better.

Anyone have any tips on getting started?

I know that BJJ stands for "Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu". I know this. I get it.

But whenever I see a gym with a sign saying "BJJ", my brain immediately goes to "blowjob-job".

Lol bjj people themselves joke about how gay the sport appears since it's just you trying to make another grown sweaty man submit

If it pays the bills...

Firstly congrats on starting bjj, it is hte ideal combat sport for a guy 25 and beyond in terms of fun and practical aplications. You are fairly strong so try to not use your strength or felxibility at all when you are new as that hampers tehcnical growth. When you climb through the ranks, you will encounter some absolute freaks, former wrestlers, pros who are just as strong if not stronger than you are.

It's weird realizing it. Because normally, in my life, I have few opportunities to really test strength outside my basement.

It was the opposite for me since everyone in my gym weighed more than me at a smaller height with way more experience so I made up my mind to get as strong as I could. I stopped doing mma nearly a year ago due to work and got a shoulder injury this year but will resume soon i hope.

Anyone have any tips on getting started?

Yeah, wrestle a lot, get good at defending basic subs and do not use any athletic traits as that way you mask technical shortcomings. On the inury side, start some prehab for your knees, I had my knee get fucked once whilst rolling when I had a guy in butterfly guard. Also get a wrestling headgear or whatever it is called to avoid cauliflower ear and be wary of things like staph infection.

But eventually, every round has been a process of getting choked out in ways I didn't know were possible. Guess I'll see if I get any better.

You will get better, I got manhandled by a guy who I outweighed by 50 lbs, I am 160 lbs for context. You need to know what it is like to be in a state of chaos and what getting choked feels like to be able to remain calm.

do not use any athletic traits as that way you mask technical shortcomings

Why should someone care if they are masking technical shortcomings? It seems impossible to not use any athletic traits.

It was an inelegant way of giving a perfectly obvious piece of advice. The idea being essentially that if one were to rely on being bigger/faster/stronger than one's opponents in training, then when one runs into opponents who are bigger/faster/stronger one will have no way to defeat them.

This happens pretty frequently with Bigs in basketball who put up numbers in high school or college, only to fail in the NBA, because they are now no longer bigger and stronger than the players they are facing. Hell, you see it at every level, there are kids who were Bigs in middle school but never hit that growth spurt to make the high school team and never developed their ball handling and shooting enough to make it as anything but a center. So if you're a 6'7" center on your college team and you think you're good enough to play in the NBA, you better start working on the skills you would need to make it as a wing or guard, because you aren't going to be a center in the NBA.

At our gym any given class is broken down into partner drills and rolling. Drills are working a single technique from a single position, rolling is free play. I'm still figuring out how to meter strength in both. In Drills, the goal is to offer enough resistance and speed to make the practice valuable, but not so much that your partner can't learn the technique cleanly. Last night, I had my partner tell me during a drill that started with me bear hugging him in close while he had me in side control "Hey, you don't need to go super hard during this, just go 60 or 70%." When I was already going maybe 50%, in my mind. There are people who I could essentially arm-wrestle into a kimura and tap, that would be unhelpful as I wouldn't learn to leverage and hit the move against someone as strong as I am. At the same time, when rolling, I use strength to resist my opponent. I owe that to them, they'd really be getting nothing out of rolling with me if I didn't put up any fight.

Why should someone care if they are masking technical shortcomings?

To avoid injuring yourself and your partner when you grapple. Grappling is very risky and there is a reason why they teach you proper technique. You make exponentially more progress and it allows you to do bjj for a lifetime.

It seems impossible to not use any athletic traits.

Yeah but you risk getting injured even with proper technique and going moderately hard, if you are purely focused on being the technical guy, you will be able to do more of what you like as a recreational hobby. So nerfing your strength makes sense, it lets you enjoy the sport as a leisure activity where you have no ego involved and you dont end up getting a bad injury.

i really recommend everyone try grappling at some point in their life, quite fun at the right gym.

My... (why doesn't English have a word for a compadre?) pal started a BJJ club with his coworkers. One of them knew a trainer and there was a rent-a-gym they paid for. This way the trainer was aware of everyone's skill and ability due to a smaller and fixed group and could provide targeted guidance.

What about "my mate"?

Compadre means specifically one's child's godfather. Or godchild's father. Or godchild's godfather.

Oh, I see. Thus ‘padre’. Thank you for explaining.

There's no good intro for this, so here goes: what does the Motte know about erectile dysfunction?

(context: new partner, thankfully very understanding and skilled, first in a while, 4-5 encounters so far. generally fit and healthy, porn probably once a month or so, masturbation slightly less than daily. noctural erections are robust, but occasionally kinda weak during masturbation and difficult while standing. debating whether to medicate and see if tapering off works or just keep going and see if it eventually kinda clicks.).

Been in a similar situation. It was nerves. PDE 5 inhibitors are extremely well tolerated and possibly safter for general health than not taking them. When I'm in great shape my boners and morning wood are awesome, even at 41. But for new encounters, I love Cialis. Takes my mind off things, which relaxes me in the bedroom. Women prefer it (though I've never mentioned it, they do mention noticing how turned on I must be, which is a turn on for them) Great erections, no headaches or sinus trouble. I have 20 mg tabs and break it into rough thirds.

I don't know where you've left it with your partner at this point, but in general when I'm looking forward to a new partner I set expectations early. I've never had ED problems exactly, but I've often cum too fast the first time.

I outright tell her this before we make love. I'm open and clear about it. Just a fact about me, don't worry about it, it'll fix itself on the second try. It's the alpha move, you want to make clear to her that it doesn't matter. If you act like it doesn't matter to you, it won't matter to her. If you act like it matters to you, it tells her everything about you.

Then you eat her pussy like it's a pie eating contest before your cock ever comes out, so that whatever she gets or doesn't get out of your cock is sort of academic.

Then you eat her pussy like it's a pie eating contest before your cock ever comes out

Bro...

If you just aren't getting hard in the first place. Try the ole Netflix and chill. Just snuggle up and watch a show or movie together. Ease into things. Lots of foreplay while still watching the TV. Hands all over each other. Enjoy your partner's body without the prospect of immediate sex.

If you get rock hard and and switch to sex, victory. If not then you did a fun activity together, still a win.

You might have to explain the game to your partner before starting. Just so they don't go rushing you.

I've not had ED issues before, but this is what I've done after the sex has ended and the feeling of closeness and sexual attraction is still there. Sometimes it leads to round two or three even if I get soft between sessions.

porn probably once a month or so, masturbation slightly less than daily.

You masturbate purely mechanically, you're not viewing, reading or thinking about anything in particular, right ?

Hmm, no, I'd say it sometimes starts that way but I usually end up replaying some fond memories or something.

If there's no other sexual stimuli you're exposed to regularly (e.g. hours of instagram asses), you're probably lucky and it's just 'the nerves' as it's called. You've got nocturnal erections, that's a good indicator.

Everyone else has covered the best advice, so let me ask: Do you ever have a strange, difficult-to-describe sensation in and above your perineum, that comes and goes, and/or difficulty getting started when you urinate? You may have heard of BPH (benign prostate hyperplasia). It's basically a periodic inflammation of the prostate, of varying degrees. By the age of 70 about 80% of men will have this to some degree. There are treatments and you will note the word benign because it is not cancerous (though cancer of the prostate can present with similar symptoms.) Erectile dysfunction can have all sorts of psychological reasons, though--I think in some ways as men we would prefer it to be a physical ailment. Maybe not.

I'd agree with ask your urologist (get a urologist, not a GP, for this.) Be as frank as possible, this is his job (or her job). Personally the veil has been lifted for me regarding Andrew Huberman and I can't take him seriously, but that doesn't mean his vid on this topic with Attia (who I like a bit better) isn't worth watching. It might well be.

BPH

I've had what I'm fairly sure were these symptoms before, but they went away and haven't come back. Worth mentioning to a urologist, though, now you mention it.

his vid on this topic with Attia

I think the other commenter was alluding to separate podcasts, but yeah, worth a listen pn 1.5x anyway.

Zinc once a day, every day. If you're meeting your partner that day, also take a ginseng supplement (and also natural aphrodisiacs: dark chocolate and red wine). Try cutting out masturbation for a few days.

I've gone through 2-3 periods of taking zinc daily over the last 8-10 years and not once have I noticed any effect whatsoever. Presumably it does something for a lot of guys since I see it recommended so often for various uses. Noted on the other stuff.

Attia and Huberman have incredible long podcasts on this. Here is a small blurb, but their male sexual health videos are worth listening to over the whole 3 hours.

tl;dr: Medical intervention is good and recommended. It works best when done early rather than letting the psychological element build up.

Interesting. I'm not sure I place much weight on either of those sources, but the logic makes sense, and small daily doses of tadalafil seem to have a pretty benign side effect profile.

I had some brief run-ins due to psychological hangups, mostly stress, not being immersed, meditation fixed it so would recommend you give that a shot and reduce stress, if it still persists, visit a doc immediately, do not self-medicate.

Thanks. I've never noticed much one way or the other from meditation, but never gone very deep with it either. I'll check out the book.

Tantra illuminated is a good portal for meditation, I personally am there, there are plenty good resources for it. Shenzen Young is the first guy many recommend.

This is an anon forum, if you feel alright do share updates. I had temporary ED issues because I was in a terrible headspace and continuously thought about a girl I was into.

Better boner; one of the lesser known siddhis.

100 percent lol, the best resource on sex is this book called the sex god method by daniel rose and he explicitly recommends meditation to fix performance issues. It helped me out and should help you out. ED in most cases for young men is a psychological issue.

How old are you? The rule of thumb is that if morning erections are happening, it's a psychological problem and not one related to circulation. (look up the postage stamp test) Are you on any other meds?

I'm 32. K2/D3 and coffee, maybe a standard drink every two weeks, that's it.

I appreciate the offer, but it is a throwaway, and I'm happy to have this discussion out in the open for the benefit of the next guy.

Yeah if your wood works just fine in other contexts it's almost always a psychological problem. What that can mean is super variable. Maybe you are stressed. Maybe you aren't getting enough sleep. Maybe you find your new partner intimidating. All of this can happen in the background without you realizing it, especially if you don't have good insight into how you function (common in people who don't need that most of the time!).

Still may be worth discussing with your doctor.

Something to consider is that you are getting older. Sometimes that means a mild decline in functioning that feels like a big decline in functioning which leads to a more "real" big decline in functioning.

You're fine dude, you're just stressed about something.

I once had food allergies for a year that disappeared when I passed an exam.

Yeah, very possible. Thanks, I appreciate it.

masturbation slightly less than daily

Step one would be refraining from masturbating and directing that drive towards your new partner.

If nocturnal erections are trouble free could you arrange your encounters around that somehow?

Noted, both ideas worth a try. We both have a hell of a time sleeping with the other one in the bed (general issue, not partner-specific) but that can be worked around.

What’s your exercise like? Do you do any kind of cardio or weights? If your noctornal ones are fine than you probably don’t need medication.

Lift twice a week, run 3-4x, cycle 2-3x, probably average about one of those pretty hard. I could probably deadlift 405 and run a 20min 3mi today, though it would hurt.

I am a little worried about the bike, but I started having issues when I'd been off it for couple months, I've never had numbness or pain on the bike, and I've always been pretty conscious of fit and saddle choice, so I don't think that's it.

That sounds like a pretty intense weekly routine, are you maybe a bit too tired? Temporary ED is a common phenomenon reported by people going through military boot camp for that reason.

Those of you that live closer to the pole than the equator, how do you handle winter gloom?

I'm in the UK and it's both dark and rainy this time of year. I've just started with vitamin D pills and melatonin before bed, so I'll report if I notice any big changes compared to last year. But apparently vitamin D helps a lot of people in my situation.

Same way you handle the oppressive summer heat, try to take the opportunity to do the nice things that make sense.

In summer it's things like barbecues and days in the park. When it's cold and dark that means staying in where it's warm, warm clothing, thick blankets, strong drinks, rich food and pretty lights, etc. No amount of bathing in simulated daylight is going to cheer you up if you're cold and eating an imported salad.

Yes! A thousand times this. Winter is my favourite time of the year because it’s associated with all of my favourite things: mulled wine and sticky toffee pudding and pubs with steamed-up windows. Hot baths and thick duvets. Bangers & mash and toad in the hole. Woolly gloves and scarves and roast potatoes.

Count the days until spring and try to keep it together.

SAD lamp 40+ minutes right after getting up in the morning.

If a SAD lamp is not enough, you can try also tuning your lighting even more. The Rationalists™ version is sometimes called a lumenator.

Progress Update -

I am now close to 6 hours of work daily which includes math(mathacademy), frontend(learning web design by jennifer niederst robbins) and backend (boot.dev). This is maybe the first time I have been able to do STEM-related stuff for over a month regularly without spinning my wheels. I will aim for 6-8 hours daily by next week, I would earlier have impossible aims like working 12 hours a day for 7 days a week which was quite stupid. I have two accountability partners who keep a track and I cannot thank them enough for it.

Meds and stuff -

I started incorporating 5-minute micro sits in my day besides my main sit of 24 minutes. My concerta prescription got renewed, still 36 mg, enough to make a difference, my psychiatrist noted that I came off less fidgety than when I first met her over a month ago. The med is important because it helps in everything, when I was off last week, reality felt a little blurry, now I can listen to music again and feel calm.

Miscellaneous -

I was quite stressed recently due to my previous co-founders and finding ways where I can stay friends with them but move on to other things in life. In hindsight, I was wrong to LARP as a founder for over a year when I lacked any basic hard skills. In case anyone here wishes to work as one in tech, I hope you have good technical chops, I did not and ended up being the least potent guy since we never did have even a pre-alpha product nor did I get paid a dime which I don't blame them for. They meant well, I don't wish to burn bridges with them. This sounds trivial but kept me up for the past few days. People get really pissed if you try things a different way, I don't want them to give me any input for the next 2-3 months but don't know how to say it.

An even weirder thing is telling people who meet me "what I do". I am not alone in this, a former high school buddy recently came back to my town from Delhi and he went to the Yale Law equivalent here. Life will be alright, just need to keep working for now, see ya guys next week.

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