The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
-
Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
-
Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.
-
Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.
-
Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).
Jump in the discussion.
No email address required.
Notes -
Gentlemen (and ladies), it is with great pleasure to inform you that it is Wellness Wednesday, and with mild displeasure to inform you that I am once again asking for your dating/romance advice.
I previously asked for suggestions on how to deal with being banned from Hinge. Quick recap of my situation:
3.6 roentgenexactly average height for an American male, somewhat nebbish-looking due to glasses)Since my previous post, I have started going to the gym 3 times a week. I can already see some improvements in my physique. On the social side, I've started reconnecting with friends more, going to more parties, karaoke nights, etc. and I've become a "regular" at a couple of good date spots. I've been off dating apps the whole time. In the past 6 months, I met 2 prospects IRL and got 1-2 dates with each, but was rejected both times thereafter.
Honestly, I want to try meeting folks IRL for a little while longer. I've forgotten how interesting "day game" can be, since I've been using dating apps for so many years. If nothing materializes by March or so, I might go back to using apps.
To that end, there are 4 things I'm curious about:
Location, Location, Location
I lived in Manhattan for 5-10 years but moved out of the city for tax reasons around the time of the pandemic. It's still a convenient 20 minute commute to get to Lower Manhattan, but perhaps I'd be more attractive to women, or have more opportunities to meet them, if I actually lived in (a desirable neighborhood of) Manhattan.
I really don't have a great sense of how important this is; as I said, I left Manhattan around the pandemic, so it's not clear whether my relative lack of success in meeting women IRL is due to leaving the city, pandemic-era cultural shifts, becoming less attractive, or something else entirely.
Clubs
I know nothing about the nightclub scene in NYC and to be honest I don't really see the appeal of being surrounded by strangers in a dark, sweaty room where it's too loud to even have a decent conversation. But there is one aspect of clubbing that, in theory, intrigues me: a literal market where dollars can be exchanged for status and sex. To what extent is that a thing?
My career is going well enough that I would definitely be willing to spend ~$50,000 in a single night if it would guarantee me sex and/or a 50+% shot at a long-term relationship with an attractive woman who is my type (see above). My gut sense is that it can't just be as simple as spending a ton of money at a club, at least not with my average-to-below average looks. I am also aware that the kind of women who would make a good long-term partners are, shall we say, unlikely to be hanging around clubs and putting out for anyone who spends enough dough; however, I would be fine settling for hookups/casual sex with good-looking women whom I encounter in such situations while I search for a higher-quality partner elsewhere.
How much benefit in terms of sex, dates, and relationships can be purchased in the NYC club scene? And operationally, how does this work; do you just book a table/bottle service and then the employees bring girls to your table? I am totally clueless here.
Drugs and Augmentation
I cannot in good conscience write a post in a rat-adjacent community without throwing a bone to the transhumanist crowd:
Testosterone/anabolic steroids. I don't believe I have a testosterone deficiency or anything, but T or steroids could give a boost to my physique, height (slightly), and confidence. Has anyone completely turned their dating life around using these? Curious to hear about your experiences.
Laser eye surgery. As mentioned above, I wear glasses. Probably this detracts from my attractiveness somewhat, though it's hard to tell how much (FWIW, multiple women have told me [during glasses-off pillow talk] that I have beautiful eyes and eyelashes). There's also the benefit of having better vision than I currently do, and without the mild inconvenience of carrying glasses everywhere to boot.
Limb-lengthening surgery. Could make me a couple inches taller, but I'd still be under 6'. Worse, I think my friends and family would find it really weird if I did this. Honestly I am just including this one for the sake of completeness; there is very little chance that I'd actually go through with it, unless someone can convince me that the results are so life-changingly good that the expense, loss of QoL during the long recovery period, risk of complications, and mild social stigma are all worth it.
Matchmakers/Outsourcing
I am aware that soliciting a matchmaker rather contravenes my stated preference to swear off dating apps for a little while longer. Nonetheless, I am fascinated by the ads I sometimes see for so-called "elite" matchmaking services. They always set off my bullshit detector, but I suppose there is a chance that they really do work as advertised. Do quality women actually use these services? What's their success rate like?
In all honesty, though, more than a matchmaker, I would be perfectly happy to pay for a service that constructs profiles for me on all the major dating apps, takes my preferences into account, and then goes through the long grind of swiping for me so that I don't have to. Literally just an API where my photos go in, and matches with attractive women come out. How is this not a startup yet? Call it "Cyrano", slap a cool logo on it, and you'll be rolling in VC cash.
For both 1 and 3 of your augmentation question, you will get excellent returns far quicker by working on your posture and flexibility. Do yoga/pilates, buy a massage gun and use it regularly (particularly on shoulders and hips). You can expect to gain at least an inch of effective height and much broader shoulders, and it will probably do more for your confidence than either.
I also notice you didn't mention fashion and dress. Particularly in the NYC area, and if you're making good money, this will take you a long way. Follow some tasteful instagram accounts or lurk styleforum to ensure you aren't unintentionally making yourself look ridiculous, though.
More options
Context Copy link
Doesn't work that way, at least not at any American club I've ever been in (admittedly I've never been in any super expensive/exclusive clubs, but I think those are still the same). You sit at your table, they give you a bottle of ridiculously overpriced liquor, maybe some bad snacks, and nothing else. You still have to get up and go to the dance floor to meet people. I guess the idea is that if you do meet someone, the table gives you a place to go and chat, and maybe impress her a little bit with your money, but mostly it's just a waste of money. I feel like the clubs really use it to take advantage of guys like you.
Now, the system you describe does exist in South Korea. The "booking club", where you go with your male friends, pay for a room, and the staff will bring in girls from the dance floor to come sit and talk with you. I thought that was a way better system, but sadly seems to be dying out. Not sure if there's still any existing in Koreatown, and if there are it might only be for Korean people. If you ever do find a club like that in the US, please let me know!
edit- and like other people said, +1 for lasik/PRK. It was a huge gamechanger for me, not just in looks, but also it made it way easier for me to do cool active hobbies like swimming or diving. That said, it's not a magic bullet that will solve all your dating problems. Also, expect at least 2 days of searing pain.
Yeah that was my guess as well. I suppose there’s no way to insta-convert money into dating/sexual success, short of soliciting sex workers and/or sugar daddy-ing (but I repeat myself)
I had another thought about this. Given the type of money you're talking about... screw renting a table. What if you just buy the whole damn club? One of my many many frustrations with clubs is that the staff often hog the attention of women for themselves. If you're the owner, I guess you can mog them all. Or tell them to encourage women to come talk to you. Then you can also have a private room without the loud music so you can actually talk. Of course, I have absolutely no experience with this, and I've never even heard of someone doing that, I just feel like that's a power move that could work if you throw enough money at it.
More options
Context Copy link
You could still try it one just to see how you like it. I think money just removes sone of the risks and potential pitfalls, like women turning you down for having bad clothes.
As someone who's tried both, i think there is a meaningful difference. Sex workers are just sex, and wilder. Sugar babies are more normal and more like a real girlfriend experience.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
Holy shit. Jesus. Did you type three too many zeros? What the fuck. Is it that hard to get laid in the US now? Buy a ticket, come to Japan, I'll get you laid in one night out in Osaka for a fraction of that cost. Hell, maybe even a long-term partner.
Out of curiousity, how would you do that? When I visited Osaka, it seemed completely overrun with western tourists, many of them young men looking for a one night stand. Lots of places were absolute sausage fests, and the local women seemed to have perfected the art of completely ignoring foreign men. I was able to interact by showing them I could speak basic Japanese, but then quickly hit my language limit, and it seemed like they were looking for a long-term relationship with someone that actually lived there. Dance clubs were just as terrible as anywhere else.
I haven't been to a club in about two decades. Women do ignore, or feign ignoring, but that's not necessarily real ignoring. A guy who dresses well, is reasonably fit, and doesn't have particularly odd mannerisms or something weird that would put someone off can talk to almost anyone. Of course some degree of Japanese proficiency helps, but it isn't essential (though this obviously will depend on the woman.) The first women I spent any time with here spoke next to no English and we communicated by passing across the table one of those electronic dictionaries (now replaced by phones.)
How would I do it, well I once went to a bar and saw two tables: One full of young guys sitting chatting with each other, the other full of young attractive women doing the same. Unwilling to let this stand, I walked over, first introduced myself to the women, started chatting, got some of their names, then turned, without walking anywhere, and talked to the guys, got their names, and then did the obvious and introduced the two tables. Before I was done with my evening they had all bounced as a group elsewhere. Sometimes all anyone needs is an introduction, and I'm not bad at facilitating that kind of thing. Although it helps if you yourself are a fun person, or at least not paralyzed by social interaction (though even that needn't be a dealbreaker). And of course it helps if you are at a place that is essentially a meat market, and it's past last train.
I don't know OP's age, obviously, and I imagine I am probably twice that. It doesn't matter that much. There is an age between graduating university and beginning a job when Japanese women are looking to asobu (play, hang out, party) and not necessarily searching for soulmates or marriage partners--due to the uncertainty of their career trajectories meeting Mr. Very Possibly would be an unwelcome complication. They want to be wild a bit before joining society. At this time such women are open to much, in particular if they live in Osaka but are about to go work in Tokyo or somewhere else far afield. (This is just my experience. I have been out of the game for some time as an active player.)
When were you in Osaka? I agree that since the end of the COVID era, coupled with the weak yen, some places (Namba, in particular) are, as you say, overrun by foreign tourists (many Chinese and Koreans, but bars usually by westerners). Some bars more than most, of course. I do go to Namba from time to time but only with locals.
Shinsaibashi is largely the same, depending on how deep you go down the side streets. Generally Umeda contains more Japanese in the 20-30 something realm than foreigners, and there are bars there that I used to frequent. I think maybe as a married man there is the possibility that I have gained a certain confidence that I did not have when there seemed to be more at stake, and thus I do not have the paralyzing nervousness that many single men have.
I am not a pimp even in the metaphorical sense but I don't think a guy with tens of thousands in pocket money would have any trouble getting laid, and not just by a call-girl but by a normal(ish) woman. I could be wrong.
I will say that unless we're talking SkookumTree levels of self-loathing (and, if his self-descriptions are to believed, unattractiveness) there shouldn't be any great problem.
Is this too vague? Probably. I don't actually have a plan mapped out; I just sense this is not a great conundrum.
Thank you for being a positive externality to the world. If only more people were like you.
More options
Context Copy link
Yeah... I don't want to argue with you, since it seems like you've lived there a long time while I was only there a few months. But I was just recently there, and went to all the places you mentioned. Lots of great places to go drinking with the bros, but very few places were any good for meeting women. They seemed to be well aware of what a hot commodity they were, as any young woman could sit in a touristy bar and get swarmed with attention, or open up a dating app and get hundreds of likes, or walk down the street and get hit on/scouted for the adult industry. A lot of the local guys, also, seemed quite handsome and smooth, so there's a high level of competition. If you "open up a conversation" between groups like you described, then you better be fluent enough to keep up with their conversation, which is quite hard when they're drinking and joking around. Unless it's a bar/event specifically targeted at foreigners, but then those were all 90%+ men.
I feel like I heard a lot of stories from guys like you who went there in the 90s and 2000s and had an easy time dating back then. But it's not like that anymore... their aging population has a lot fewer young women, while their culture cachet has increased and America's has decreased so noone is going to be impressed by a random foreigner guy showing up and fumbling with a dictionary or a translation app. I'm sure it's still possible to meet people, either to hook up or start a long-term relationship, but it's not at all an easy game. And this is despite me being frequently complimented on both my appearance and personality.
I don't necessarily say it's easy. It requires a bit of effort, even good fortune, as well as timing, and yes, game. My incredulity is mainly directed at the "I'm willing to spend $50,000 in an evening." That blows my mind. And I suspect if this weren't hyperbole and he did spend, say, a tenth of that much, and did meet a woman and did have sex, he'd regret having gone to such financial lengths.
To put it another way: There's no reason it has to be that hard. (Pun accidental but I'm leaving it )
well yeah I agree that spending $50,000 in an evening is insane. I don't even think it would help. Like, unless you want to meet a working girl, a normal woman would also think spending that much on club service is insane.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
lol I didn’t mean sex with anyone, I meant sex with a woman who’s my type. If I can get to sex, converting to an LTR shouldn’t be too hard, in my experience.
I’ve actually had decent success dating “my type”: I’ve had 4 long-term (6 months+) partners and roughly 20 short-term partners, nearly all of whom were intelligent, well-educated native English speakers of East Asian descent. But now I’m off Hinge, IRL dating seems to have largely gone the way of the dodo, and frankly I just want to outsource this whole damn process and not have to worry about it. Hence the price I quoted.
(Also, I wouldn’t be willing to pay this much every single night; maybe a couple of times a year, depending on the experience)
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
/r/SwipeHelper is great for teaching you how to get around bans, you should also immediately add every women you've gone out with/exchanged numbers with in the last few years to your block list once you get unbanned ofc
I have other advice but I have to ask if you're willing to relocate somewhere with a market more favorable to you. I also think the Asian fetish is something you should get over. One way it holds you back is that the major cities with lots of Asian women in America also have the worst sex ratios for men.
What's the motivation behind doing so?
Chances are he's already made an attempt with them so if any were left with a bad impression and/or are just mentally unstable they might report him. If they're on good terms he doesn't need Hinge to reach out to them.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
Relocation in maybe 2-3 years time is an option, so what’s your other advice?
Also, doesn’t NYC famously have a very favorable sex ratio for men, as well as plenty of Asian women?
Yes but NYC seems to be a different meta entirely, very different sorts of women congregate there and you're competing with world-class elites.
I would look into blue cities in red states, many have surprisingly good demographics for you minus the Asian fetish.
Once you are getting matches on a dating app consistently and are in a better city, I can explain the basic strategy to get laid on first/second dates. After that it's just a matter of converting one to a long-term relationship which is the easiest step. I'm not amazing at this but your success rate doesn't have to be that high for you to be rarely single and have minimal dry spells. YMMV if you're much lower SMV than me. Chances are if you're new to regular online dating you're making mistakes that someone with experience can help you avoid but it takes time to understand and fix them. You are much more financially successful but lookswise unclear. We're both South Asian and are pretty much in the "want an LTR but are fine with hookups along the way" bucket. Definitely don't shave the beard, on balance 3mm stubble will help you with women across the board even if it turns off some with peculiar preferences.
One thing that will help you going forward is taking vacations now. In the next three years no reason you can't spend a week each in, say, Barcelona, Rome, Paris, Tokyo, and two other major global cities. It gives you much more to talk about on a first date and women are much more enamored with travel than men.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
South Asian? Does your extended family not partake of the Aunty Network that attempts to pair everyone up? It's worth a shot. All else failing, on a matchmaking site you'd be a magnet for women in the homeland looking for a green card and happy with an arranged marriage, though you might not be looking for one of those.
Before you go for anything as drastic as limb lengthening, which is frankly nightmarish, you could always go for other, less painful, forms of plastic surgery. You seem to be able to afford it!
I’m…if not estranged from my family, definitely not close enough that I would trust them to find me a life partner. In any case, they wouldn’t know any women who are my type (see parent comment)
Re: plastic surgery, I’ll start with LASIK/PRK and see how much that improves things. If it goes really well, I’ll consider further measures.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
TLDR: Find hobbies where you can leverage money, insinuate yourself into spaces where you can meet women, lose the Asian fetish.
Hinge did you a favor. Swipe apps are built for college kids, focused on looks and maybe some basic one-sentence level of compatibility. Your best traits, filthy lucre and the skills that obtaining it represent, aren't actually that visible on a swipe app, at least not with any credibility.
Let's be realistic. Your income is more attractive than your body, and you evince a willingness to trade money for romantic or sexual opportunity. So how does one leverage the quid for the quo outside of actual sex workers?
It's time for you to buy yourself some hobbies. At a seven figure income, and hopefully decent savings if you've been making that money while being a single male living in Jersey, you have significant leverage to walk into something and be interesting to others right away. If you wanted to get into SCCA Spec Miata, for example, it would be easy for you to afford. You're not far from the ocean, buy a boat, because of the implications. If you wanted to get into a fitness hobby rock climbing, lifting, or boxing, or BJJ like so many tech execs you'd have the option of hiring private trainers rather than trying to make public classes, which will enhance your progress and your relationship to the staff at the gym. The world is full of jealous bitches who will resent your money and how you use it, but as long as you are competent it is just sour grapes.
Becoming a regular at good date spots is good. But the goal is to get to the level where you have a positive friendly relationship with the staff and other regulars there. The best thing that you can have is taking a woman somewhere and everyone says hey man how's it going good to see you. Be a capital-P Patron. You're in the NYC area, you can tip extravagantly well at dive bars and off-broadway theater spaces and start insinuating yourself into circles where your money will be valued.
Alternatively, seek out hobbies where you will meet eligible young women. I highly recommend auditing graduate classes at local schools, lord knows you have them around you, it'll make you interesting and insinuate you into those age ranges. Will people think you're weird/creepy/old? Yes. But you are rich, and people will value you paying for things more than they will resent you for those other things. Or at least one girl hopefully will fall for your bit.
Also, lose the Asian fetish, or at least make sure it isn't obvious. It's not cute or attractive to women, especially since you specified anglophone so you're only looking at ABCs I guess. Some Asian women have a giant stick up their ass about it from a woke perspective, but the bigger problem is that it makes you look weak. Guys with Asian fetishes value that they are feminine and submissive, this indicates to women that these men perceive themselves as insufficiently masculine, and target women who will be submissive even though these men are wimps. None of this may be true of you, but it's a rap that's hard to shake. Bang some white and hispanic chicks in between, for variety.
That's like saying that people who like red heads value their fiery personalities, or people who like black women value their sassy attitudes - it's projecting lazy stereotypes into other people's minds and then labelling it as a fetish akin to their being fixated on feet or uniforms. Where Asian women do display submissiveness (I'd class it more as passiveness) it's their least attractive aspect. Cool, a woman who's too timid to exhibit an independent personality, feel the sparks fly! It probably sounds shallow and lizard-brained but I just think they're pretty and I prefer brunettes. What's wrong with being attracted to femininity?
When I think of wimpy men I think of them being saddled with domineering women who push them around, like that character in The Big Bang Theory with the gf who sounds like a fog horn.
I agree with not saying it out loud though. Not because it makes you look weak, but because it makes you look like you value someone primarily for aesthetic considerations that they had no choice or influence over. Which is partially true, and why you shouldn't say so, because the part (liking them because they're Asian and you think Asians are pretty, or whatever) is taken for the whole (liking them only because they're Asian or whatever and being completely indifferent to who they are as an individual, which probably does count as if not a weakness then a kind of failing of maturity).
Guess what, princess? People are going to judge you based on stereotypes of those like you. If you say you went to Harvard, people are going to think you're an arrogant prick. While if you say you went to an Ivy League school, we'll know you're an arrogant prick and that you went to Cornell or Brown and have a chip on your shoulder over never getting off the Princeton waitlist. If you own a Dodge or a Nissan people will think you have a bad credit score. If you're fat people will think you're lazy.
And if you exclusively lust after East Asian girls, you're going to have trouble dodging the weeb allegations, the stereotype you're going to get tossed in with is the anime dorks.
It doesn't matter if it's unfair, it's how the world works.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
Fantastic idea. I had the best dating success of my life while I was in graduate school in NYC
Grad school is the best moment. Combining the maturity of having some real accomplishments, with the mystery box potential to maybe do anything afterward. Libs can convince themselves that you'll do something Good with your degree, materialistic sluts can convince themselves you'll make tons of money, both can talk themselves into sleeping with you.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
very good advice. I would amplify the the part about being a Patron.
In NYC, art and improv comedy are scenes that might be a good fit for OP - many opportunities to build a network of relationships, to improve social skills, to get to know a wide variety of people, and to strategically deploy cash in many ways that will be fun for the Patron and for everyone else involved.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
Honestly, if you meet the pre-requisites, get the eye surgery regardless. It'll probably be a QoL improvement across the board.
Can second this. Well executed laser eye surgery can give you better eyesight than any glasses ever could.
More options
Context Copy link
Second.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
You've got to hunt where the ducks are. Clubs are a bad bet, it's just the wrong crew. Most of the women there won't match your profile and the few that do will be in a defensive mode.
You should probably start attending charity galas. I'm not sure what the right ones are, but there should be a lot to choose from in NYC. There should be some charity events particularly popular with wealthy East Asians but I have no idea what those would be. Don't be too on the prowl at these events, it's more about integrating yourself into the upperclass community.
Given that it's winter try taking up skiing. Buy boots, rent the skis and poles at the hill. Spend some weekends at the ski resort.
Great ideas; I just went skiing with a group of friends last weekend in fact!
I'll look up some charity galas or similar events, perhaps relating to the Asian arts scene in the NYC area.
Like I get these ads for mahjong clubs targeted for young people in NYC - you could sponsor a mahjong night stuff or something like that.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
I hope you don't mind my asking - how did you get banned from Hinge?
Also, are contact lenses an option, rather than Lasik?
Don't mind at all! I explained the ban in my previous comment here
Sadly contacts are not an option; I am constitutionally incapable of touching the surface of my own eye, though I weirdly don't have a problem with the eye pressure detector thing at the ophthalmologists, so I assume surgery would be equally doable for me.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
Lasik is great, independently of the rest of it. I did PRK despite qualifying for Lasik, because it's better and how bad could the pain be for a week or two? Excruciating, as it turns out, but worth it to not have a flap in my eye
How'd you get banned from Hinge?
Could you literally hire someone to be your full time dating assistant/coach/fashion coordinator?
Well that one's definitely doable. In all seriousness, maybe a sugar baby? In addition to achieving the proximal goal, it could help you build confidence.
If you don't have a trainer, get one. Ideally get one who doubles as good practice interacting with women, if a lack thereof is part of your problem.
If your company is hiring remote employees, uh, DM me (faanger)
[Numbers spelled out because Markdown is hard and my multi-paragraph numbers mean the next number restarts it. Send help.]
One. It's pretty great, but does have downsides. Dry eyes, worse best-corrected-possible acuity, earlier nearsightedness with age.
Two. Wow that sucks. I'd be genuinely very sad if Hinge banned me (not that it's stopped me from thinking I'll work on my AI more when the ADHD monkey in my brain decides it's time for that again). I think trying to circumvent, or just contacting them, is worth considering.
Check out Jswipe (Jewish Tinder) or Lox Club (Jewish the League). There are probably also other ethnic apps, but those are the one's I've tried. Not a lot of tall people in any of the above, so that helps, and it's a pool that probably likes smarts and money more than tinder.
Three. If they can't produce results in 3 months, 6 if you're feeling generous, fire them. Let's say you paid them for two half days per week, at $100/hr. That's 10k/3 months, which is not much if I understand your preference model at all. Even if it takes trying four people before someone does anything useful, you're out 40k, and I struggle to imagine you can't find someone useful given that much effort. I imagine you're somewhat blocked psychologically on doing whatever you should do maximize your dating game, but when you make it someone's job, they don't have that guilt/etc, and you've selected them for being at least maybe good at it, so results really are plausible.
Raising the question: how do you find this person? The internet. I've hired a dozen housekeepers over as many years by just posting on craigslist. Sure, you get mostly weirdos, but there are great people out there if you're willing to do some phone screening. Stuff your pride down, write a post about what you want help with, and refresh that inbox. You could almost just use your original motte post.
Four. Nope, not legal. Easily twice as not legal as torrent sites, maybe twice and a half. Seeking Arrangement is the famous one. I don't know much about this, but poke around reddit to see people's experiences.
Five. If you're dedicated enough to lifting that you're doing it reliably/hard enough (e.g. Stronglifts 5x5 worth of effort/three days x 1-1.5 hours/week, with progressive overload) and seeing your numbers go up, trainer can probably be skipped at least until you're past noob gains. If you get to benching your body weight, you're solidly into "you may hurt yourself and/or stop progressing" territory without a trainer, unless you have great proprioception and hit youtube/etc pretty hard.
How do you find this person? So many trainers on the internet. See #3, but easier and less awkward. Any gym has trainers. Unless you are very advanced or have a medical problem, a mediocre trainer is going to be drastically better than no trainer. Try a few until you like someone.
Type
(3)or3\.rather than3..More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
The trainer should ask you what your goals are and come up with a training and nutrition plan. If your goal is putting on more muscle the first plan should be 99% straightforward exercises and the second plan should not really include supplements beyond vitamins, extra protein and some creatin. If the trainer isn't willing to drop bullshit exercises or supplements, find a different one. If the trainer isn't willing to constructively listen to your feedback ("upright rows make my shoulder hurt" - "fine, let's stick to shoulder flies"), find a different one. His goal is not to share secret knowledge with you. It's to watch and correct your form, track your progress and challenge you every session.
Ohh, it just occurred to me that “trainer” was referring to “physical trainer”; I understood it to mean “dating/social interaction trainer”.
Yes, I already have a personal trainer who has, in the past 6 months, helped me put on a decent amount of muscle, reduce body fat percentage, improve my posture, and appear to have somewhat less belly fat (not that I had a whole lot to begin with; I’ve always been at a normal BMI, 22-24 depending on how much I’m working out and whether I’m keto-ing. Sadly, if I didn’t have any discipline about my diet and exercise habits, my body type would be the typical South Asian male skinnyfat. Even at the same BMI, I struggle with more belly fat than my white and, especially, East Asian male friends)
Definitely agreed that gimmicky exercises, supplements, etc. are to be avoided at all costs. I specifically chose this trainer because of his zero-bullshit, laser focus on the basics: a lightly modified version of the Greyskull LP, 1g protein per lb. of lean body weight, creatine, and sufficient rest.
Kinda curious, if you know that
is what you want, why bother with a personal trainer?
Accountability, plus critiquing my form/suggesting ways to get past a stubborn plateau. I’ve always had terrible “body sense” so it’s hard for me to tell by myself if I’m, say, not bringing all my leg muscles to bear during squats because my stance is slightly off.
Now that I’ve got the basics and the routine down, I see my trainer once a month at most.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
Am doctor but not eye doctor. Not a fan of LASIK especially in your age range. Carefully research the risks first, you won't get a good objective assessment from an ophthalmologist because if at all possible they'll recommend the procedure (because surgeons want to cut).
Does your ban extend to Coffee Meets Bagel? It's very popular in the Northeast and Asians are over represented. Recommend Asian adjacent real life activities if that's your mojo. Ex: EDC (or whatever local concerts there are).
Find a place to meet residents (physicians), easy way to pick up intelligent professional women.
Don't know how to find a dating coach but do recommend that.
I think Raya has gone out of fashion now but you might be able to find its replacement or try signing up for its corpse.
With your salary a good personal trainer is super affordable and is good for your overall health and mood and also for making you more superficially attractive.
If you have good insight- figure out why you aren't successful. If you are moderately attractive you should be drowning in women at that wealth level. Are you fatter than you want to admit? Fashion style not making it obvious you are bringing in money? No rizz?
Figure out what it is and then you can address. This ties back to matchmaking - if the issue is your profile was shit they'll fix it. Don't want to pay someone? Run it by women in your life if you don't want to pay. (assuming you can get on CMB)
I’m not banned from CMB and fully intend to use it if/when I get back to dating apps.
I’ve used CMB in the past, and in fact met my first serious girlfriend on it back in the mid-2010s, but was having significantly greater success with Hinge prior to the ban.
In my experience, CMB is more popular among fobs (of whom there are lots, especially Chinese and Indians) but I’m more interested in women who were born and raised in the West, or at least moved here at a young-ish age (high school, perhaps college at the latest)
Not fat, but not especially good looking either. Like I said, pretty average bespectacled brown dude.
I don’t have that many opportunities to meet single women IRL: my hobbies and social circles are pretty male-dominated and the attractive women in them are already taken; plus work keeps me pretty busy.
I don’t have flashy, expensive tastes, nor does my fashion sense immediately indicate that I have lots of money, although I definitely don’t dress like a slob.
I do think my day game/night game “rizz” has taken a hit over the past few years, as dating has increasingly moved online; it’s honestly quite rare now to find a girl by herself, without AirPods, in a public place where it would be appropriate to cold-approach. But my rizz is definitely not terrible: I really was having decent success on Hinge (multiple dates per week, getting to sex with a new girl about once every 1-2 months) before I got banned. And that was before I started lifting!
In short, my lack of success is due to being banned from Hinge (the best dating app I have ever used), plus online dating having largely taken over all of dating, to the exclusion of meeting women IRL through activities or mutual friends. This, I think, is especially true when it comes to women who are my type (well-educated Asian-Americans), as they tend not to just hang out in bars or whatever waiting for guys to approach them; if they’re in the dating scene at all, it’s through apps.
I'm going to write taking the rest of what you said at face value (by which I mean that you are a very well educated, successful and therefore likely hardworking and intelligent individual).
The above quote is a loser attitude. I don't mean you are a loser, far from it. You are demoralized because you aren't getting lucky and luck is required because that's what you need with the way you aren't embracing every opportunity.
If someone was trying to break into your field (7 figs in early thirties???) would you tell them to just passively apply to jobs or take low end jobs and not excel? Fuck no.
You gotta hustle. And we have reason to believe you can hustle in other domains in your life - you gotta apply those lessons here. Dating is going to involve a lot of discomfort, it's easy to justify avoiding discomfort but that is what it is and what you gotta overcome. Some of the other posters here complaining about dating have bigger concerns - but you, your fundamentals are extremely "attractive" and you are living in a place with a shit ton of women meeting your needs.
That means you are probably doing something wrong or you aren't doing enough. That is good news! It means you can do something different, and/or do more. It's going to be uncomfortable but dealing with that is a core skill in dating and in business.
Okay an example - you got banned from match apps. Why? Someone probably reported you or something, likely multiple someones (does that mean you did anything wrong? no, women on the apps be crazy). Is there a way to appeal this ban normally? No. Do you likely know someone on LinkedIn who knows someone who works there? Given your background very possible. You can cold message someone and be like "hey I work in NYC and I'm interested in whaling on this shit but I'm banned for no apparent reason..." Is this likely to work? Maybe not. Could it work? Yes absolutely. I was having a serious redacted issued with major tech company and I contacted person I knew for redacted reason and they got someone to fix it. If you have the professional network you can use it. Even if you don't have a connection you can leverage if you have a built up LI you can probably just cold message a few people. If you don't have a built up LinkedIn you are probably not networking enough, that will help you at work but those networking skills can also be leveraged to pick up women, especially if you are looking for a specific type (meet a guy who hangs out with ABGs? ....become friends with him and you'll meet ABGs IRL).
Likewise make a CMB. Now. Do not stall, if you stall that stall will last a long time. Make it and start using it now, maybe you don't find anyone with the qualities you want but dating is a skill and like any skill it has to be practiced, it is also a numbers game so you gotta get on it if you want it to work.
More discomfort - pick up some new hobbies that have women. Depending on how male-dominated your current hobbies are that could end up being great for you for reasons other than dating, but if what you are doing right now isn't working (and it clearly isn't) you gotta start doing something else!
I think you also have to be careful with how dialed into your type you are. That's instantly going to make things more challenging for you, but if that's still the only thing you want I think you are missing out on some of the stereotypes - FOBs might be not hanging out in bars, but ABGs are big into the clubbing and rave scene, are all over certain kinds of bars, you can approach while they are doing some dumbass trendy thing in K-town etc.
Just wanted to note I really enjoyed your contribution on this occasion.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
What is your graduate degree in if you don't mind me asking?
Computer science/machine learning
Cool. I can’t feel jealous of your salary now because computer science and machine learning is something I would never be able to do!
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
hire someone like todd v if you can spend thousands a night, I know people who have worked with him and he is very likely the best dating coach in the world who also lives in New York. Never take roids, definitely do not go for a surgery either. East Asian women are very receptive to non east asian dudes. I dont recommend that you move back to nyc since you dont wish to do cold approach like me and would prefer a stable girlfriend.
I wish you well, but do remember that you cannot pay your way to really good dating odds. You can improve them by increasing your self-satisfaction, having more for your kids, and moving in better circles, but not much besides that. Do pick up basic meditation whilst you are at it. As for locations, you can go out during the day or night and NYC has plenty of places for both that are fairly decent and don't even have a strict entry norm going by Todds NYC dating guide.
I commend you for doing well in life, I am trying to get there and I am 24 now. I got a harsh wake up call 3 years ago and became an ok novice at cold approach. I recommend you stay away from dating apps, human mating especially for guys works well irl, you are not your looks but that is what you reduced down to on those places. I keep these apps on my phone as a reminder to get good at math and programming stuff fast, get a job and move out asap.
More options
Context Copy link
Three comments:
Move out of Jersey City - no one wants to take the PATH to get a date. Also get an IPhone if you don’t have one.
Don’t you have some fun friends who either do cool things or know cool people given you went to “elite” schools and work a “prestigious” job? Ask them to invite you to stuff. If you don’t then try to find them… they exist in those institutions.
You talk about steroids and paying 50k for club tables but ignore the most EV move which is just bringing a bag of coke to parties. You will make friends if you have coke… trust me.
No need to get expensive surgery or pay the median salary in bar tabs just be the guy with a gram who lives in a cool neighborhood like the Village or LES. You will get invited to stuff if that’s the case.
Also shave because asian women don’t like beards.
Drugs are always a good way to make friends but countless social coke suppliers eventually become completely degenerate fiends who ruin their own lives astonishingly quickly, especially on extremely high incomes like the OP’s where you can spiral into a deep habit fast. I couldn’t recommend it seriously to someone without supreme self control who has also been around the drug for a long time casually.
Yes this strategy works best if you don’t like doing coke all that much.
It messes up my nose too much for me to fiend personally. I’ve found Twitter & weed to be much more addictive personally.
Nothing to spice up one's day like the constant fear that your already stuffy nose will start bleeding at any moment.
I do use my neti pot after if I do any lol
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
In my (not remotely limited) experience, this is not the case.
More options
Context Copy link
Where can I find this mystical Colombian connection?
Just ask around? If you’re at the right parties people will just offer. You can always ask for a connection there…
Is there someone in your office who raves a lot? (They may have mentioned Brooklyn Mirage or Basement as their weekly activity）
Ask that person first….
If anyone of your friends raves ask that person too… or if a friend mentions they party all night. Ex frat bros are more likely to have some but also artist types…
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link