site banner
PaperclipPerfector  6d ago (text post)   1116 thread views

Wellness Wednesday for April 9, 2025

The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:

  • Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.

  • Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.

  • Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.

  • Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).

1
Top Bottom Old Controversial Comments
Jump in the discussion.

No email address required.

How I can I be less bothered ad hominem attacks by randos online? I recently was pushing back against some seed-oil sophistry on substack (not even advocating for no-meat/veganism like you might assume, there isn't actually good evidence that vegan/vegetarian is better than the mediterranean diet), and some dude told me my profile picture looked like that of a prematurely aged teenager (for reference, here is the picture). I know this is bait because most of the time seed-oil sophists don't have any real arguments, but I couldn't prevent it from really bothering me. I've had similar experiences with non-appearance comments about intelligence, personal character, etc. and they all bother me to some extent. In real life this isn't really an issue because it's faux pas to make these kinds of comments (or at least has been since I graduated high school). Maybe a sign of some underlying insecurities I need to work through, or that I need to get a bit more sleep. Thoughts the motte?

Do you meditate? Personally, it helps me to discard ad hominems as I know they are incorrect. Developing meta-cognition helps you observe yourself getting hurt easier, so you can then move past it faster.

I know it's a separate thing from what you're talking about, but you're a normal looking guy. Maybe a little crazy eyes? ;)

One thing I love about online ad-hominems is that they're just... inaccurate. Someone is stabbing completely blindly. Even here, my most controversial post basically had multiple users calling me a horrible person. It's Riddikulus. I know a lot about myself, and have compiled enough secondary evidence to support both the good and the bad. Just have to own the latter.

You can never eliminate the pain from a knife in the dark, but laughing at the absurdity of it all is a good protection mechanism IMO.

Thanks man for the sanity check. I know I'm fit and I know I don't look like an old man at the ripe age of checks watch 27.

I think an issue here is that you don't have good picture of who is insulting you. Would you react negatively if some mentally unstable loser or child (which they most likely are) insulted you? No, you'd laugh.

It's very easy to imagine that one's online interlocutors are reasonable adult people but unless you're talking to them in some apolitical hobby community or something they most likely aren't. You're upset because you subconsciously feel like a regular person attacked you for no reason, which is a healthy and normal response to such a thing, but you weren't attacked by a regular person. Most people are online but most people aren't commenting.

Yup I think that's a big part of it! I should know better about spaces like the one I got burned in (alt right biohacking is not exactly an intellectually open environment).

Psychological pain is like physical pain. You have to use willpower to push past it until it has happened so many times that your psychological nerves are dead and it no longer hurts.

But then you will either appear to be dead inside, or you will just be dead inside.

The way I do it is to think of it sort of like spheres of influence. You currently see the situation as that dude attacked your avatar and you felt hurt, but that's not actually the situation. The actual situation is that you are sitting at your computer or on your phone and you read a comment and the way you interpreted that comment hurt. Yes you interpreted the comment the way it was meant, but that doesn't matter, what matters is that all of it took place within your own head - influenced by others, but unaffected because only you have any impact on your thoughts. And when you read that comment, inside your brain you know that it is bait, and more importantly you know you are right, that's why you argued in the first place. That might change in the future, but right now you know your argument is correct, and the fact he replied with an ad hom is further evidence that you are right. So who cares what that idiot thinks? He doesn't live inside your head, you do. Brush that dirt off your shoulder.

Like training physical pain tolerance it will still hurt, until it doesn't. And it won't work all the time regardless, and if you are betrayed or attacked out of nowhere it can fail. But that method definitely helps even if you aren't planning on becoming dead inside.

I'd try to remind myself that someone resorting to ad hominem has lost the argument. There's little point in pointing this out to them as it will likely result in more ad hominem, but to neutral parties, the one resorting to insults isn't the one that is credible.

That's not necessarily true. People aren't rational. If the insult is well-done, or the insulted party is disliked from the start, then the insult can have more impact than any argument.

This is gonna sound like dumb self-help book advice, but I mean it entirely in earnest:

You can't stop it from bothering you. Comments and insults like that carry a certain amount of pain that is unavoidable. You don't actually have that much control over how you react to stimuli on a fundamental level; it would be like asking how you can make it not hurt when a needle stabs you. And no, this isn't a "you can't change how you feel but you can change your reaction to it" either, because that's actually still just trying to cheat yourself out of the original problem; the hope for some people is that if you "change your reaction" enough it'll stop hurting. But there's actually no way out. It'll just always hurt and that's it.

What you can do is change your beliefs about the situation, and stop viewing the pain as a bad thing or as something to be overcome. Because right now you're giving yourself two problems: there's the original pain, and the meta-belief that you're doing something wrong because you haven't found a way to overcome the pain yet. You can ditch the meta-belief and get rid of that problem, leaving you with only the one original problem, which is an improvement.

So the next time someone insults you, you'll still feel bothered. But at least you won't have to make it any worse than it already is.

Its funny the choices are all cheap AliExpress tier crap. No bad dragon horse cocks, nothing by SquarePegToys. Pure disappointment.

This is another one of those things I wish I could send a screenshot back in time.

Their recommendations are pretty bad, btw.

I wish this were more surprising to me. One of the weirdest things about reddit (when I used to frequent that site many times daily) was the seemingly ubiquitous acceptance as completely normal the enjoyment of what was called, to everyone's apparent satisfaction, "butt stuff." Now given that the male prostate has nerve endings and thus stimulation of the perineum can result in arousal, I suppose ramming objects into one's anus is, in the list of degenerate behaviors, probably not the most incomprehensible. But you'd also have girls (on reddit you never know if every single thing is a lie, mind you) discussing how they would wear something called "butt plugs." To say nothing of anal beads (I think "butt beads" would be more catchy). And whatever else those are in the illustrations for that list, which I did not read.

This forum is generally much younger than I am and probably I sound quaint or naïve or similar. I do not understand the pull (or push) of ass play.

Edit: I do not know why I wrote "male prostate" instead of just "prostate."

But you'd also have girls (on reddit you never know if every single thing is a lie, mind you) discussing how they would wear something called "butt plugs."

The pleasure is primarily psychological. The sensation itself doesn't have to be directly pleasurable, so no prostate required.

Why does it give psychological pleasure?

Variously:

  • A heightened sense of vulnerability and helplessness

  • Turning yourself into an instrument of someone else’s pleasure

  • Indulging in a certain sense of “interiority”: “pleasure is an affair for me, it’s complex, secret, hidden, and thereby more scarce and therefore more valuable”

etc etc.

See /r/slatestarcodex discussion of prostate play. I think it's almost certainly the case that all men can enjoy this significantly, with a little learning curve, but do find the extent of e.g. that post's claims surprising.

Just stimulation of a different sort, I guess? I don't understand why rimming/being rimmed would be appealing at all outside of dom/sub dynamics but it also appears too often to just be coincidence.

I would expect this to be a preference somewhat affected by porn as well simply because the concept of anal is obvious to basically everyone, but normal enough in porn that it doesn't seem completely absurd. As far as practical matters go it's more difficult, and these things are a more limited version of that. Of course the usual suspects blow that out of proportion and complain that "girls are being asked for anal as soon as the third date", but the whores left the barn on that matter 60 years ago.

thus stimulation of the perineum can result in arousal

There's a reason prostate exams are a meme, and it's an orgasm modifier for when you get bored/want variety (intensity can come from novelty). I don't know what the equivalent is for women, if there is one, due to the inherent lack of that part, though there are probably a few things you could do in that case if you fill both holes (I don't believe reach-arounds are uniquely a male/male thing).

To say nothing of anal beads

Grip 'em and rip 'em, like you're pull-starting an old lawnmower; I'm told that really gets the motor running [SFW]. In all seriousness, the reason you'd use that is because pushing things in there is actually rather painful, so being able to break that up rather than continually insert an approximation of a cylinder is important mostly while going in. (There's only one Kirk Johnson, you know.) That's also why the plugs are shaped the way they are- it's generally uncomfortable to continually have that part stretched that far, which is why they taper off at the base then flare out again (so you can grab it for extraction).

As far as constantly talking about it... it's Reddit, what do you expect. It's not like 4chan where, while you could always do this, you'll also get 70 replies calling you and everyone else a fag for posting about it.

[cw: probably implied tmi]

I don't understand why rimming/being rimmed would be appealing at all outside of dom/sub dynamics but it also appears too often to just be coincidence.

In straight porn, it's much more likely to be dom/sub or degradation stuff, especially straight not-pegging stuff, but that sells it a bit short. For the gays, a lot of it's psychological for non-dom/sub reasons, either a way to formalize preparing to top/ready to be topped, or as part of other play to help loosen someone up.

That said, there are some physical bennies, including many that aren't readily achievable in other ways. It's great for getting someone more in the mood before starting to stretch them out, for example. For the rimmer, there are some sensory benefits (if the rimmee is scrupulously clean; there's reason I joke about it being the only good arg for dental dams), but like eating someone out in other forms, it's very much about what you bring to it: if you're really focused on how your partner's reacting it can be a fun time from watching that. For dealing with women, you want to be a lot gentler and a lot more certain that everyone's on the same page, but it's a great option for people who like the sensation of hotdogging but don't like insertion there proper.

There's a lot of prep work involved, and it's definitely not for everyone, but it can be worth it.

There's a reason prostate exams are a meme, and it's an orgasm modifier for when you get bored/want variety (intensity can come from novelty).

It can, but there's some pretty serious practical differences long after any novelty's gotten the chance to wear off. Not all those differences are for the better -- they're a lot less forceful, so to speak, sometimes to the point of being minimally 'productive' -- but the difference in refractory period is measurable.

I don't know what the equivalent is for women, if there is one, due to the inherent lack of that part, though there are probably a few things you could do in that case if you fill both holes

There are also sex toys that focus on backdoor and clitoral play, as well as some that are intended for the clit, front, and back. All are generally a not-favoured realm for more reputable companies, though, given the risks of cross-contamination.

In all seriousness, the reason you'd use that is because pushing things in there is actually rather painful, so being able to break that up rather than continually insert an approximation of a cylinder is important mostly while going in.

That's, uh... not the only use case or argument for the design. Pressure on both the prostate and the rim is a significant part of the point (both in and out), and being able to have regular increases and decreases in that pressure can be beneficial. Beads are also built so that they can physical fit in lengths that would otherwise not be practical, even compared to similarly slim semi-rigid toys.

That's also why the plugs are shaped the way they are it's generally uncomfortable to continually have that part stretched that far, which is why they taper off at the base then flare out again (so you can grab it for extraction).

Partly, but also so that they can fit in and stay at a consistent depth, rather than getting pushed out. The flare, conversely, is more important to prevent anything from getting sucked up there.

There are toys designed for large and continuous insertions. Some of that's size queens, but with the right textures and reasonable sizes they can work out for normal butt people -- they're not as good for prostate play, but a lot easier to work with if you're focused more on the actual motion going in and out.

I do not understand the pull (or push) of ass play.

I have likewise always found it mystifying, but the volume of interest is undeniable.

It’s just shock humour I assume for at least half the talk online

I'm thinking about getting a motorbike. As far as safety goes how much of the danger is due to the nature of mode of transport itself and how much is due to people being reckless?

Generally the death per passenger mile is about 28x, if you correct for gender demographics the rate drops to 18x. If we assume you'd be driving alone either way correcting for passenger miles brings it to 12x. The average driver in the US loses 0.33 years of life from fatal car accidents, so a reasonable ballpark estimate would be 4 years of life lost swapping that for a motorcycle.

Some other motorcycle fatality stats that are probably partially corrected for with the gender control: 66% had measurable blood alcohol concentration (vs 37% for cars) 36% the driver is not licensed to drive a motorcycle (vs 9% for cars) 47% involve no other vehicle (vs 22% for cars)

With a motorbike, you are moving at car speeds in places designed for cars with a vehicle that provides absolutely none of the protection afforded by a car. No seat belts, no crumple zones, no mass to offset collisions, no frame to protect you from impacts. Your vehicle has worse visibility to other drivers and much worse stability. It is much worse at handling adverse conditions like rain, snow, bad roads or debris.

A lot of the additional danger is pretty clearly due to the mode of transport, and the additional danger is considerable.

What put me off of ever wanting to ride a motorbike was a shock video posted on 4chan of a man flying over his handlebars and getting impaled on a wrought iron fence. The fence part wasn’t what put me off. It was the part where his genitals are effortlessly shorn off his body by the seat, as though they were made of naught but modeling clay. They then go undignifiably flopping off into the road. Bear in mind, when they talk about the risk of injury, 15 to 25 percent of those injuries are pelvic.

Naively it's Approximately 30 times more dangerous than a car. But, of course, that's on a per billion miles basis, so figuring about 20k miles per year traveled, it would average a fatality every 230ish years if you only traveled by motorcycle. Assuming you have a 30 year riding career left, if you did all your traveling by motorcycle you'd have a lifetime ~1/8 chance of dying that way.

Now adjust for how many miles you'll actually travel on it. Then adjust for whatever percentage of accidents you think are attributable to recklessness above what you intend to stick to. So if you're only doing 5k miles a year, it becomes a 1/32 chance, and if you figure half of deaths are recklessness you won't demonstrate, then it's 1/64.

All numbers after the initial chart are from Myers Young Associated Statistical Surveys.

/images/17441980858880908.webp

Even without a motor, cycling is just much more dangerous per mile than being in car for obvious reasons. Make a mistake in a car at 20 MPH and you're in for an annoying morning. Make the same mistake on a bike and your life is in jeopardy. Worse still, it doesn't even have to be your mistake. One of the best things that ever happened to my future self was getting T-boned by someone that ran a stop sign and hit me when I was driving a small car in my early 20s - real lesson in the fact that you can just be minding your own business and have your life changed by some reckless idiot.

On a moto, you can quite often accelerate out of danger. Not so on a bicycle. On the other hand, I got dinged up quite a bit worse from other traffic (as opposed to a terrain/skills mismatch offroad) on the moto than I ever did on the bicycle, and the motorcycle bug doesn't seem to have stuck with me. Still love them both though.

I rode a motorbike without owning a car for about 10 years.

Basically if you can control yourself (which is a big 'if' for most riders in their 20's) the largest risk comes from inattentive and reckless drivers in other vehicles. Think of the worst driving you've seen in a car where people don't effectively check mirrors, blind spots, or oncoming traffic. Now crank that up 2x or 3x. That's how often you will see people turning into your path from side roads or changing lanes directly into you. Some people train themselves on only noticing car sized objects or larger in their mirrors.

You need reasonable reflexes (or riding experience) to defensively react quick enough to this sort of behaviour. It's probably the main reason I gave up motorcycle riding.

If you do get a bike, remember to wear All The Gear, All The Time (ATGATT).

What is this place?

This website is a place for people who want to move past shady thinking and test their ideas in a court of people who don't all share the same biases. Our goal is to optimize for light, not heat; this is a group effort, and all commentators are asked to do their part.

The weekly Culture War threads host the most controversial topics and are the most visible aspect of The Motte. However, many other topics are appropriate here. We encourage people to post anything related to science, politics, or philosophy; if in doubt, post!

Check out The Vault for an archive of old quality posts. You are encouraged to crosspost these elsewhere.


Why are you called The Motte?

A motte is a stone keep on a raised earthwork common in early medieval fortifications. More pertinently, it's an element in a rhetorical move called a "Motte-and-Bailey", originally identified by philosopher Nicholas Shackel. It describes the tendency in discourse for people to move from a controversial but high value claim to a defensible but less exciting one upon any resistance to the former. He likens this to the medieval fortification, where a desirable land (the bailey) is abandoned when in danger for the more easily defended motte. In Shackel's words, "The Motte represents the defensible but undesired propositions to which one retreats when hard pressed."

On The Motte, always attempt to remain inside your defensible territory, even if you are not being pressed.


New post guidelines

If you're posting something that isn't related to the culture war, we encourage you to post a thread for it. A submission statement is highly appreciated, but isn't necessary for text posts or links to largely-text posts such as blogs or news articles; if we're unsure of the value of your post, we might remove it until you add a submission statement. A submission statement is required for non-text sources (videos, podcasts, images).

Culture war posts go in the culture war thread; all links must either include a submission statement or significant commentary. Bare links without those will be removed.

If in doubt, please post it!


Rules


Recommended Posts And Communities

Recommended Realtime Chats