The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
-
Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
-
Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.
-
Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.
-
Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).
Jump in the discussion.
No email address required.
Notes -
I've been reading this site for a while, mostly the Wellness Wednesday threads and some CW posts. Decided to join and ask a question. How do you deal with worrying your girlfriend might leave you for someone else? I'm average-looking and not super charismatic. Based in Italy, if that's relevant.
First, watch this video: https://youtube.com/watch?v=HUzAukj2jMQ&t=15s Small channel but excellent, very well researched truth seeking etc. Watch it, especially if you buy into negative red pill narratives about women.
What comes next is regurgitation from what I learned from this channel, again he makes sure he uses the most up to date and replicated studies.
Thinking that your average looks and non-super charisma increases your chance of getting cheated or left is insecurity, and is its own thing. This is statistically wrong belief. These things don't raise the chance of your partner cheating on you or leaving you. On that point, since you're a Motte user, you probably like numbers and statistics. While numbers and statistics can't fix you, I find they help realize underlying issues.
On to the facts:
Men cheat more, and for different reasons than women. The most common reason to cheat for men is that they are horny. The most common reason for woman to cheat is that they are unhappy in their relationships.
I'm not going to dig up the exact numbers here, so just trust me or look them up yourself.
If a woman; is content in your sexual or romantic relationship, does not have a mental disorder like bipolar, is college educated and has a secure attachment style, She will not cheat It's just a vanishingly small chance. Men are the fallen creatures who bang people just because they see the opportunity.
If not everything here applies, you either should be happy if she leaves you, or you should work on improving those aspects of your relationship.
Leaving you for someone else is essentially cheating, but first ending the relationship. So I think most of the same applies.
The numbers are really on men's side when it comes to this. As long as you are a good boyfriend, you're golden.
Of course, that's just numbers. The numbers on getting over being anxious about your girlfriend leaving you are much worse. My best advice from myself and friends: Don't burden your girlfriend with it by not being honest with yourself and with her. Talk to her about it while framing it as the pernicious disease it is, and not something lacking in her, which is what she will interpret it as. Never ever delude yourself into thinking your fears are legitimate. Unless, you know, she's hanging around more with her best male friend than with you or something like that.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
Anyone understands essential oils? I wonder why some oils are marked as not for internal use (aside that they need massive dilution). What could possibly be done in the manufacturing process to make them unsafe and traces of what solvents could be inside? Otherwise it looks to me it's just a scam with the food-grade ones.
They smell nice and feel nice on your skin. I like to dab some on before I meditate.
More options
Context Copy link
Potentially nothing, as some oils are simply not edible.
This site lists Wintergreen, Eucalyptus, and Tea Tree oils as toxic if ingested.
More options
Context Copy link
Is there any sense of "scam" in which essential oils are scam but, say, broccoli is not a scam? Has any claim of health benefits on behalf of broccoli been rigorously established? If not, perhaps broccoli only avoids being labeled a scam by not making any promises. If you don't make any promises, you can't be accused of scam. But then neither do most essential oil products make any promises.
I meant scam as in - the same product but priced three times higher when labeled food grade when there is no information what is the difference between the two.
"Food grade" means it has to be manufactured in a food grade facility, which means stricter production standards have to be followed. If people aren't eating it you don't have to put as many protocols in place to prevent contamination.
contamination with what? This is what no one tells you.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
I am not sure what you're asking. I know they may smell nice but beyond that don't have that strong a therapeutic benefit except maybe in aromatherapy. Possibly some help ease inflammation if applied topically. Peppermint oil is supposed to help headaches Tea tree oil has mild antimicrobial properties and is an irritant, but can be used to treat things like warts for this reason if used with a carrier oil.
Also most essential oils are toxic even in small amounts to cats. As you suggest, they can also toxic to humans because they can interact with liver enzymes or thin the blood if you swallow them, and that's apart from the irritant properties of some of them. They're pretty much unregulated so adulterants (solvents, other oils, added fragrance, etc.) added to oils of "poorer quality" can be an issue.
What are you considering using an essential oil for?
Syrup flavorings. Which roughly boils down to a 1/2 ml per liter let's say orange or lemon essential oil. So it is pretty diluted and hard to OD.
So… making your own rosewater, basically?
More options
Context Copy link
In that amount I don't see a problem but I'm very much not an expert.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
What's the best cardiovascular training regimen?
When I had my septum fixed I expected this to help my stamina a lot by improving my breathing, but a couple days ago I hiked in the mountains and my heart nearly jumped out of my chest, it was working in overdrive.
What should I do to fix this? Jogging and running are out, and I have no place to store a bicycle.
Skipping ropes is pretty great. Or get a rowing machine/use the one at your gym. Fighting sports (even the ones that look relatively static like BJJ) are extremely stamina demanding and you improve quickly.
More options
Context Copy link
Just strolling, for me. Go at a reasonable pace, get 10-15k steps a day. You can read while you walk.
I can stroll literally for days, but that didn't really help me.
Fair enough, you must be fitter than me. I go at ~5.3km/h and it gets my heart rate up to the 120s.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
Go swimming? I did for a while and it worked well enough but I eventually stopped because I found it was so boring.
More options
Context Copy link
You could try something like rucking? All you need is a rucksack and something heavy to put in it.
Why isn't jogging an option?
Because I have a shitty knee that hates when I jog or run. Landing on my toes helps, but not enough.
You can hang it under a ceiling. There are also foldable ones.
Also, as there are electric unibikes, check whether someone isn't making an e-unicycle.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
>back on Hinge
I know apps are terrible, but the counterfactual for a long time was "nothing at all", which didn't work very well either. Wish me luck, I guess?
Are there speed dating events in your area? shuffle has been alright the twice I've done it.
can't have worked that well eyy
No but for real that's something I never considered. Thanks. My first reaction was "damn, I'd feel like a loser showing up alone" and then I thought about it for like three more seconds.
More options
Context Copy link
I'm a big fan of speed dating, but it's not for everyone. I've got friends that were happy to meet girls out at bars but for some reason shied away from speed dating or otherwise didn't get good results.
Meetup singles groups are another good alternative where you can vet potential partners in real life. I always find in real life opportunities to be better as you don't risk wasting time investing hours pre-meet only to disqualify them the instant you see them in person..
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
I never had any luck on apps, but lately I've had more success talking to chicks at bars. I think a crucial ingredient here is I'm going with 1-3 other guys who are trying the same thing. That and talking to everyone, not just pretty chicks.
I could do that logistically, now I think about it, but I don't like the bar environment very much. But maybe I should. Glad it's working for you, anyhow.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
I’ve recently done a self improvement thing that was so ridiculously effective it’s going to sound like I’m selling a self help course. I’m not. Over the course of 6 days I went from borderline depressed and listless to being full of will, oozing charisma, and generally vibing. On day 7 I picked up a chick I just met and broke a year and a half long dry spell. First time I did anything like that.
The process is simple. Write down every thing you do and how you’ve feeling with time stamps. Send that shit to a trusted but physically distant friend once per day. I would write down everything I ate, every time I worked, every time I fucked around on the web, when I went to bed, when I went outside etc. In addition to showing it to my friend, I would read over the previous entries every morning. When I would consider doing something not great for me, I would remember I had to tell my friend. If I did it anyway, I would be reflecting more on it because I would be writing it down.
The silver bullet this clued me in on was going for runs, then focusing really intently on how my own head and body feel afterwards. I’m not sure if this is some form of grounding/embodiment or gratitude meditation. Normally a run is like a +2 to my mental state, the focus afterwards boosts it to a +6.
I made a few other small but extremely impactful routine changes. I’m not sure whether to call it charisma, force of personality, vibe, or just plain power level, but something about me is more now. People seem more drawn to me and often go out of their way to do me favors or give me things. I’m working much harder and to a higher standard at my day job. When I’m just fucking around and enjoying myself, I enjoy it more.
So any advice as to how to further increase this power level? This sounds like it’s getting towards New Age territory, so if possibly I’d like to minimize the woo.
What does this mean in practice?
Thinking about how I'm feeling then narrating it. "There's a soft, fuzzy, buzzing sensation behind my eyeballs. It is pleasant. My lungs hurt a little from breathing hard. That is satisfying. The buzzing sensation has spread to around the top of my forehead. My head feels warm in a good way. I am pleased with myself feeling good through exercise. My thighs feel heavy but not very sore."
Make observations like above for ~10 minutes. Preferably while somewhere comfy. Additionally let yourself linger on or sink into positive feelings.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
I'm glad things are going well for you! In addiction counseling circles this is called the "pink cloud effect" and is very common in addicts who have sobered up for the first time in a long time. They feel great! They are optimistic and everything is going right, they go from "borderline depressed and listless to being full of will, oozing charisma, and generally vibing." It is an almost manic state sometimes.
The hard work will be maintaining this change over the long term. Most can't do it and fall back into old patterns relatively soon. If you want to maintain this success you need a plan to counter your eventual immunity to friend shame that will come with a few more weeks of sending reports. You'll need to up your shame dose or do an accountability detox of some kind. The human mind can get used to anything, mixing it up is the only way to make a strategy like yours work.
To clarify: I only did the whole logs and report thing for 7 days. It's a bit cumbersome to do and the format breaks down when I'm leaving the house for long periods of time. Also did not want to ask too much of my friend.
Just found out I have covid and am isolating now. This plus the general energy drain has me concerned. I was really happy huffing the "pink clouds". Really only needed to get off 50% of my bullshit for that effect. Going to need to find inside stuff to do to keep the torch lit here.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
That's good this strategy has been working for you. People like being around other people who are bringing optimism and positive energy.
Not sure about the oozing charisma and power level stuff. Maybe there are some longer term goals you can use your newfound energy to work toward? Finding a longer term girlfriend with the new picking up chicks charisma? Some more durable community bonds from the goodwill evident in other people doing you favors? Maybe do them some favors back?
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
(This is a repost of my comment from last weeks thread, hopefully it gets seen this time around)
So, I'm at college now. After dozens of minutes spent researching schools, many sleepless nights spent putting off homework, and endless effort spent on not giving a shit, I'm here, and I'm...not disappointed in myself, exactly, but I absolutely could have done better.
As I alluded to, I didn't really care all that much about being attractive to colleges in high school, but I now regret it, at least a bit. I had a top percentile SAT and plenty of AP and dual enrollment credits, but my lack of extracurriculars and thoroughly mediocre GPA sunk my application to the point where I only truly got into one of the five schools I bothered to apply to. While I didn't really have a "dream school", my current university is on its face significantly lower-ranked than my top pick; by median SAT scores, my preferred school is about 200 points higher than my current school with a particularly prestigious CS program (my major) to boot.
Regarding my current situation, I ask a couple questions of the Mottizen public:
1.] How important is your alma mater for job opportunities with a CS degree? While I want to transfer to my preferred school for a variety of pragmatic and personal reasons, I do have a not-insignificant scholarship at my current institution. It wouldn't ruin me financially to forgo it as my college fund should cover the brunt of it, but it is a counterbalancing factor. (N.B: I have now seen this thread partially answering this question. I'd still like to know how much it matters for CS specifically.)
2.] What are job prospects for a CS degree looking like in the next 5-10 years? I've heard that the CS bubble has popped and I'm fine with not having a junior position handed to me on a silver platter, but I wouldn't mind switching tracks to a different engineering degree (and consequently removing much of my incentive to transfer) if CS is headed for the shitcan thanks to AI/oversaturation/whatever.
If you hustle a lot to get involved with research and get good internships every year, you can get pretty good prospects. Don't get too obsessed with leetcode though, it's not super necessary and makes you insufferable.
More options
Context Copy link
getting a good internship while you're in school will obviate/dramatically offset this issue. I would focus on getting good summer interships/taking a year off to intern a bit before graduating as opposed to changing schools
Nobody really knows, but probably not as good as the last 5-10 years.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link