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I got into a fight with my wife the other night. Which is extremely rare for us. I'm genuinely...confused at the mix of emotions I'm feelings. I'm wondering how people who get into fights with their spouses all the time live like this. I can't manage to focus on anything for being annoyed. It's so weird. How do I move back towards normality with her, when part of me feels like I have no intention to until she apologizes.
Mind my asking what it was about? Or DM me if you don't feel comfortable saying it for an audience.
It's a little hard to explain as a satisfying narrative. It's something like: we rescheduled Valentine's to be not on Wednesday because that's stupid. Last Saturday we went out for dinner and then to the Symphony as "Valentine's Day." Then, Wednesday, I thought I would have time to make a nice dinner and suggested that, then work got crazy and I texted her saying "Hey, is it ok if maybe we do that tomorrow, time crunch." She said ok, but apparently was upset. She likes Valentine's day significantly more than I do. When I got off work, I ran for flowers and to pick up a nice present that she wanted. When I got home, she was in a bad mood, and I did not get the reaction I thought I would get. I felt I A) already had done Valentine's Day and "had it in the bank" and that B) anything I did Wednesday was extra credit and therefore un-failable and that therefore C) her reaction was inappropriate and demeaning. I probably overreacted, but I had this distinct feeling of being demeaned, I had already submitted by doing Valentine's day to begin with. She felt that I had promised something and then reneged, and that Valentine's Day is her favorite holiday, and that I had half-assed it and not made it a priority.
We've since gotten over it. I was just stunned at the weirdness of feeling that way with her. I told her Thursday, hey I'm still feeling annoyed, I don't like feeling this way, I need you to do something extra nice for me so I can then make a nice romantic dinner without feeling like a doormat for giving in. She made protein muffins and treated me well, I made steak tartare with a baguette, she likes the earrings. We're all better.
I think you're in the right. You pre-discussed valentine's day and 'did it' on the Saturday. Then she wanted it again on the Wednesday in spite of your earlier agreement and got upset when you didn't do it twice. You're somehow in the wrong because you should have known that any deals about valentines day are completely void because of how important it is to her. I don't know how taking her to dinner and a symphony of all things is half assing it.
I applaud you for talking it out and fixing it, but I think your wife has been immature and this sort of thing is likely to happen again unless she works on herself. I kind of get it because my long time girlfriend will negotiate doing something for her birthday on the weekend before it happens because we have more free time. Then she will 'spontaneously' want to do something on her weekday birthday evening even though I'm tired from work. Then she will try triple dipping and ask to do something on the Friday night post birthday because we couldn't do 'enough' on her birthday. I was lucky that when I calmly talked her through what had happened and said 'its enough, we've already done all this stuff so you can't have a "Birthday Week" where I'm at your beck and call' she pulled her head in. I think this is because she knows I'm not a doormat and that I'm willing to weather emotional storms. Ironically because I'm willing to endure fights, they don't happen and we manage to talk things out before they ever get that far.
Its this last part that's important. While its ideal to 'never go to bed angry' and resolve fights on the day they happen, I think its more important to show your partner that you can set proper boundaries when you are actually in the right. If she can't help feeling upset and self regulate, well that's something you need to learn to tolerate until she finally gets over it. Be willing to extend an olive branch, but don't apologize. If you can't self regulate and push through when your wife is unhappy with you (even though she is in the wrong), well I'd say try to work on that.
The trouble is:
Life circumstances (not everyone can take afternoons off) and reciprocity permitting, this seems reasonable. I still think it should be able to be discussed before the event and if there are issues they should be raised then.
Oh, sure. I’m just describing what I consider to be the emotional narrative underlying the apparently irrational behaviour.
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I applaud you and your wife’s resolution to the argument, very mature and thoughtful.
Valentines Days is an interesting and tricky day. Most men (including myself) do not give a shit about Valentines Day. It is a capitalistic holiday that society has tricked women into thinking their man should spend money and time on them to prove the strength of their love and relationship. And if the man doesn’t live up to their expectations, then perhaps he doesn’t actually care about her and the entire relationship may be doomed.
Valentines Day has become especially pernicious in the social media age. With every woman posting the surprise gift/dinner/experience/proposal on Instagram, there is so much comparison and expectation and letdown. I’m not, and never will be, a big Valentines Day celebrator. I will buy my partner roses, a card, and either cook her a nice dinner or take her out somewhere nice. I think that is more than enough.
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Just now seeing this and as a fellow non-fighter, I know exactly what you mean about being unable to grasp how people just live with constant fighting. I had girlfriends where we had perpetual stupid acrimony, and it really was miserable. I am apparently not good at all with living with these sorts of things, because my wife and I almost never have any real arguments and I would strongly prefer to keep it that way. I do wonder if the people that fight constantly are just not experiencing the same thing I am or whether they're just miserable pricks for the vast majority of their days on Earth.
Even the few "arguments" we have are more like what you describe, where we both felt like the other person did something hurtful, we don't see eye-to-eye, and it takes a bit to move beyond. The only thing that really works for me is just trying to really hard to extend empathy to try to understand why she's feeling how she is. Even if I still think she's just plain wrong, that at least drops the animosity level to some tolerable range where I can make the effort to make up. This is also only like once every couple years or so, so having about a thousand good days to one bad day ratio makes it easier.
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If it isn't something serious I'd just apologise for the fight and if she has any shame she'll do the same. If she doesn't then you might have a problem but if you haven't fought before it's probably worth just taking the L and moving on, regardless of who's right.
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I know this feeling. What I suggest is that you examine your own behaviour carefully, check if there is anything that on reflection you feel you did wrong, then apologise for that and only that. Maybe it sets the ball rolling, maybe it doesn't. But you'll have got right with yourself and the rest is her problem; I find it's easier to calm down when I'm okay with my side of things.
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Solution: Marry a Filipina, apparently.
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