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naraburns  nihil supernum  1yr ago (text post)   3971 thread views

Small-Scale Question Sunday for March 19, 2023

Do you have a dumb question that you're kind of embarrassed to ask in the main thread? Is there something you're just not sure about?

This is your opportunity to ask questions. No question too simple or too silly.

Culture war topics are accepted, and proposals for a better intro post are appreciated.

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Any of you ever lost a friend to transgenderism? How'd it happen and how'd you cope?

This is kind of borderline for the SSQ thread. It's pretty explicitly culture war, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that it's a real question and not just bait.

It happened to me recently and I wanted to know if anyone else went through it. But it doesn't really seem like anyone else has had a comparable experience. Similar, yes, but mine ended in a huge blowout argument.

I also didn't want to post my own answer along with the question lest I be accused of, well, asking a question for the sole purpose of answering it myself.

Yep. One of my friends was a standard fat gamer programming nerd until the pandemic. Funny, if a bit incel-y in personality (he made some occasional sexist comments that were annoying but not fatal to our friendship). During the pandemic he finally lost the weight and I was thinking "Hey, maybe we can finally get this guy a date. Funny, decent job, tall enough, starting to look like a viking" I wouldn't date him myself for a couple of reasons, but get some good pictures for an online dating profile and we can improve his quality of life a lot (he's prone to depressive episodes and loneliness).

I brought up the topic and he said "actually, I'm not thinking about dating at all right now because I've been seeing a gender therapist for a year." We've hung out five or six times since then (over two years), with each hang out getting more uncomfortable and creepy, and now I'm dodging his calls (I'm not misgendering btw, he's never formally asked me to change names or pronouns). Somehow "man wearing a dress" freaks me out less than "man wearing a dress and boobs." It's much more 'it rubs the lotion on its skin'. He did finally (briefly) date someone (an older woman) during this process, but broke up with her because she obviously saw him as a man.

So yes. We're not close enough for me to suck it up and lie and not distant enough for me to just be polite. Hence the avoiding.

You say you're not going to "suck it up and lie." But then why do you say one paragraph before "I'm not misgendering [my friend]" because "he's never formally asked me to change names or pronouns?" Would you capitulate to that request, if he were to make it? Wouldn't accepting such a request also be lying?

I've known people that did sex change, but not very closely - more like professional relationship. Wasn't really impacted by the sex change - in my line of work, the sex bits aren't very relevant anyway.

This might be the first time I’ve seen someone mention the other half of Blanchard’s model in this community. (I will continue to argue that his autogynophilic model doesn’t reflect the modern trans movement, and is usually brought up to score points.)

I have to say I don’t know any MtF who switched to preferring men. The closest example clearly has a preference for other MtF transitioners, but clearly still likes biological women, and is adamant that makes her a lesbian. So that’s loosely in line with your friend, except she was never into men. I won’t pretend to understand what hormone therapy does to attraction or to sense of propriety.

But I suppose the error bars on this have to be incredibly wide, even before considering the tiny sample sizes.

Pretty CW-ish but I've gone through it a couple of times.

I saw a post on here recently that resonated with me - that it's not uncommon for transgender folks to be those that failed at being their birth gender. I don't know if that post cracked down and settled whether it's the chicken or the egg in terms of dysphoria.

One of my best male friends in college was an excellent, left-libertarian presence in my life. He had a history of performing very poorly with women, had passed the age of acceptable virginity, and took much of the feminist-consent culture war stuff far too seriously, and so was considered a pussy even when he got a date.

This culminated in him finally getting a girlfriend but arriving at her apartment to see himself being viciously cuckolded by her roommate. It was obvious he had been treated as such throughout the whole experience.

Their hair got longer, the friend group got smaller and more queer, the politics got less freedom-y. The white-collar job fell through with a surprise weed hair test. 6 months later they added an 'e' to their name and swapped genders.

The common thread among all the trans people I know is extremely strong social pressure to not identify as cis. If you live in an environment long enough where being trans has such cachet, I feel like your chances of at least experimenting with it become comparatively massive.

My friend was someone who I was considering as a groomsman at my wedding, but now the experience of talking to them long distance while they eke out a meager existence in an alien social situation is difficult. I don't know what to say when you have an engineering degree but have made such incorrect personal choices that you can barely afford rent in a low COL area.

The white-collar job fell through with a surprise weed hair test.

I'm suspicious. Maybe they were looking for an excuse to fire him? Or some sort of defense or civil engineering company that takes drugs seriously?

In my limited experience my employers wouldn't dare drug test engineers. Far too many would get caught for weed and it is massively too hard to hire competent engineers.

This was day 1 of the job, they'd never mentioned it, and it was in the deep south. Pretty stupid IMO, even down here everyone smokes.

I saw a post on here recently that resonated with me - that it's not uncommon for transgender folks to be those that failed at being their birth gender.

I've heard the term "transmaxxing" thrown around the past couple of years to describe a portion of this phenomenon.

Transition is a "fuck you, I quit" to the problems of gender.

Nope. Going full "aro ace" - aromantic asexual is the ultimate fuck you to all gender problems, the ultimate liberation.

Fly the sunset flag and be chill.

My best friend is getting really into drag, and her state (Kentucky, where I also once lived) just passed laws limiting drag shows in public spaces. I hope we never talk about it, because I'm not going to lie and say I disagree with the law.

Related, but not the same admittedly. I do not currently know any trans people, although I have friends of friends that are.

Indeed not. Just a lesbian natal female with no inclination towards crossdressing, transitions, etc. as far as I've ever known. Her interest in drag is evidently only as a spectator and participant in wider LGBTQ culture.

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