The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
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Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.
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Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.
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Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).
Jump in the discussion.
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I went by the name /u/practical_romantic and am making a new account since some of my old friends know of my previous username and that is not alright. People here know me because I posted life updates weekly but barely took any action, I did take some action finally in life but that was in terms of
My career has been in limbo for a years time now. I was a terrible college student, I went to a decent CS program but never studied a day. My teachers hated me and I did not study since most of my peers did not study. In hindsight this was incredibly stupid as I simply spent more time surfing the internet than actually doing anything.
Posting about this stuff is hard because even if I am not at fault (I am), I still have to fix stuff. I do not know programming at all, I mean I know a little but I am 24 and I am stuck in my home again for the coming month, none of this is good. My parents despite their best intentions actively hate me. They hate that I do not like watered down starvation food that they grew up on, the fact that I want to not hang out with other people here as they have no ambition outside of this small town in urban rajasthan or that I do not want to get a low paying job here as that is a one way ticket to hell. You end up working 80 hour week for some boss who wants you to churn out shitty javascript code and pay you less than 1k USD a month, what is even worse that the people who start out this way pretty much never make out of this.
My life changed for the worse last year when I accepted a co founder role at a startup. My co founder and I basically did no work till June, we got another co founder, I went with him to Thailand and came back a few days ago. My co founder wants me to hop on concerta but the psychiatrists here wont fucking recommend it stating that I will get bone marrow issues because of it.
I am just depressed, I have only felt pain and suffering since 14. Cram schools, my uni where my peers hated me for not wanting to become another leetcode junkie and now my startup where I am not even sure what is next. I was doing non tech stuff before but will at least get to code which is always good since at least then I can get remote jobs that can pay me well. Life is not that bad but I can do so much more, I would earlier tell myself that I am not smart enough but that is because the opposite being true is far more damming.
My house is still my biggest issue. My parents hate me actively. Every single day they keep asking me about where my paycheck is coming from, telling me to stay away from girls and how I am fortunate to live in the city that we live in. This is beyond delusional. My mother got into a fight with me because I did not want to do a masters. A masters in what, why, when, she had no clue but wants me to do it because others do it. My adhd gets the same treatment, "oh, you are just lazy, just focus harder". It is not that easy, if it were I would not have actively wrecked my life because I do not want to or like wrecking my life actively. I could have studied german and flown out for an undergrad there but my parents did not want me to leave their house.
Little backstory, my family is from the landed aristocracy here but since this is India, last place any sane person would want to live in, random people started firing court cases over all our property, leading to my family fighitn cases for the past 70 years. My house is an extremely sad place to be in. My brother has the same issues as me but is markedly stupid, far far lower IQ which makes things even worse as anything bad done by him is also my fault as I am not doing well in life. I move to a smaller town next month and have been prescribed time off by my co founder. I just want to post how I feel without risking anyone I know finding out about this. You cannot be weak in front of the world after all. I lost 12 kgs (28 lbs I guess) and weigh 145 lbs (66 kgs) at 6 foot now. My parents still scream at me for recommending that they eat more meat since indian diets were based around starvation so in their heads, meats are not exactly healthy even though I lost more weight than they could despite them being obese.
Anyway, it is a shitty situation. I am afraid to even post here as I do not wanna get scolded on the internet. My parents think of my adhd issues as some people would react to their kid coming out as a homosexual back in the 90s on some movie. I am lazy but now what. Do I not even try to medicate. Will your behavior help me out because they raised two kids who both have similar issues. Jordan Peterson would often speak about why you should leave your parents' house as there are spirits there. On the surface this sounds childish yet it is very true in my case. My grandad and dad took up academic jobs in this town just for court cases and the only way we can even smell any of what is left of the estate is if my startup somehow takes off. I flunked 11th grade and then 12th the next year and still somehow was on time for my uni due to some academic miracles, I did really well in my entrance tests nationwide, the cram school I went to tout me as an example of what one can do if they never stop trying. But until I did that, for 2 straight whole years I would get screamed at and get called a failure daily, multiple times a day by my parents.
My liviing situation sucks. I took my dad to the psychiatrist today for concerta since I was on it a little bit in Chiang Mai and he just refused to believe that it is a real issue and made sure that the doctor does not prescribe me anything. Now, I am well aware of how bad life is without parents, I should be grateful for what I have yet I just feel vitriol. So much in my life has gone wrong, i am 24 now, I have no time left, my parents actively hate and scold me daily despite me being 24. It is still ultimately my life, no matter how much of what happened may be someone else' fault, I just wanted to rant for once. I can never tell others how bad it is here. No matter how happy my family looks on the outside, on the inside it is hell living here. The worst is that most of this is my fault, had I been a better person, I probably could have kept my family together. No one is getting divorced but my situation is grim. My younger brother is basically 5 iq points from being someone who went to special school, I love him to death but I cant lie about how difficult life is going to be for him.
My ma did come to my room apologetically now to get me to talk to her but I just hate life, i really do. In ways I envy most people here. There is not much to do here, advice for the future btw, do not agree to non-tech roles at a startup. You do not learn fuckall and if there are delays in shipping code, you are the one who gets blamed for everything wrong in the organisation. i will see another psych soon to get concerta, I hope I can get it, I have not been on the med for a month now actually but have to get it so that my co founder does not get pissed at me.
I have always avoided commenting on your posts because I don't like to give advice to people whose mental state I cannot categorize at some basic level. But I will chime in a bit.
Your stream of consciousness is coming off really badly. You keep obsessing about a couple of topics repeatedly. It really feels like you could use some chemical stabilization. Why are you conspiring so much with psychologists to get Ritalin? Isn't this stuff easily available in Thailand?
I strongly believe you would benefit from putting your family out of your mind for some decent amount of time. It is very difficult to change your parents' culturally ingrained behavior modes towards you. Even with best parents, 24yo guy living at home will lead to conflict. So be a man about it and leave. Stop thinking about your brother or your grandpa or your parents' relationship or whatever. That is a ridiculous way to spend your mental energy. Fix your own life first.
24 is not so young anymore but it is not a late age at all. Depending on your genetics and self care, you will likely not see too much body decay for the next 10-15 years or so. You should seriously stop obsessing so much about some bad decisions you made some years ago. Most people waste their teenage years in some way or another.
You shun doing any salaried work but you should realize that having some experience in the industry, connecting like-minded technically skilled people, having some cash savings, CV entries that can open you doors, being able to obtain bank loans based on your past financial history etc are quite significant benefits. You are very unlikely to succeed at creating a startup without any of these. It is easy to ridicule "leetcode junkies" but at the end of the day getting moderately good at programming has been an enormously high EV activity in the last decades if you lack the social skills necessary for most other high paying careers. Even if you don't get to a nice place and decide to start your own business later, it is very useful to observe possible gaps in an industry from inside.
I am very familiar with the backpacker/digital nomad paradise parts of 3rd world. They are often filled to the brim with 1st world losers/hustlers who are trying to do some sort of passport/living costs arbitrage (or worse). Most of these people fail but have a good time in the meanwhile. You should not try to imitate these people with your Indian passport and lack of backup funds. On the contrary, you have much better prospects as a young ambitious guy if you do the opposite move and move towards concentrations of economic activity instead of away from it.
Above all, good luck and remember that you are very very far away from the rock bottom.
I am back home in India and my parents refuse to get me any medical help. I have to visit psychiatrists with them and they simply ask the psych to give me non med help as in their heads, these meds will kill me. Not making this stuff up, they are actively making my life worse.
Also why I am shifting post Diwali (November first week) out of my hometown so that I love alone in the same town as my co founder. Exit is the only solution when you have no voice
I dont trust myself anymore since if I can waste 14-24, what is stopping me form wasting 25-35. It sounds bad but I have to be honest with myself and act differently now in order to ensure I am doing things daily and not wasting my life away. I know many waste their teenage years but in my case, I have never done anything in my life besides be online.
My main concern right now besides building our first MVP is getting skills where I can deploy things from scratch so that I can then be eligible for remote jobs. Many people I know work at American startups on the basis of having shipped in the past and I know enough people to the point where I have far better odds of having an offer simply because I can get referred. You are correct, having some money and skills that can give me a monthly income will help a lot. I am not doing the leetcode work a 9-5 in an office thing because the payoff is terrible. In India it means you work 9-5 for 6 days and get paid 2k USD a month living in Bangalore which is depressing in its own way as most never leave that place. I would ideally like to make my startup work and be employable on the side or due to making. Just having the skills alone would make me far less anxious.
Certainly, most people who are doing really well would not be found in SEA backpacking. Sure I met some interesting people but there is a ceiling to that too. San Francisco would have way more interesting people doing stuff I aim to do. SEA seemed like a weird place where Westerners came to save money. I met one guy who made decent money, he is 21 and was there on a short vacation. From what I gathered by hanging out with many, even the tourists who come here are not the most successful people.
I moved to Thailand temporarily because it is a much better quality of life than India. I am back now and will move to the second largest town in my state, my hometown being the largest or maybe out of the country again if we can smell some money. I mentioned Bali because in the meantime it offers a better quality of life for cheap but the distractions might not be worth it.
Nice username! I appreciate inputs, I cannot see life neutral observers can. Posting here has been the only redeeming thing I have ever done in terms of screen time usage.
Yeah, just have to keep swimming. Posting here should help if I only post stuff that I did in my past week instead of stuff I wished to do or whatever. I am not at rock bottom but i am far from where I want to be. Appreciate the inputs pal!
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I read all of your posts on this site; I must admit I experience a bit of schadenfreude when reading your woe-is-me posts. But I'm not completely cruel. Reading your posts about living in Thailand made me feel very excited and happy for you. It sounded like you were having the time of your life over there. You put too much pressure on yourself to be successful. You hold yourself to this ideal of what you think you should be and as an outside observer it just seems so exhausting. My advice is to strongly consider going back to Thailand. Go back and continue to explore the social connections you made. Take a year; hell, take six months. It's not the end of the world or the end of your career to do it. And you might find that what you think really matters now doesn't actually matter all that much. You're a young guy, you have plenty of time to be miserable. Go back to Thailand and embrace that experience of feeling good that you so clearly had.
I know that you won't listen to this advice. But really, take a second and think about it.
Well, my ex roomate was the one carrying the finances and with him leaving thailand, I cannot go back so that is that. My other co founder and I will finally start working for real which is why I am shifting to another town here. Once I can have some semblance of money coming in, I would move out as soon as I can to some other location.
My main concerns in life are
Now, my other co founder has an e commerce thing so I am hoping that I can get some money from that and then spend time working on my startup, get enough skills to be employable on my own and then try to shift to bail or some place. If my startup takes off then that is even better but this is the scenario I hope for. I am taking the month off and just reading because even my co founder realised that I was in stress.
I would love to go back but I cannot. I came back because I relaised that my roommate would not work as much as we should and was working on an idea that I did not even like or think would work out, what is even worse that since I was not the code guy, whenever things would go wrong, I would get blamed.
One big thing I loved there was that I could just do what I wanted to, I could visit nightclubs and talk to girls, something I genuinely really really like. It is the one thing I could act on since I could not work on something else living off of someone else's dime, I could not work out or do any combat sports since I had a partial tear in my right shoulder a few months ago. Sure I get chastised for it but I like meeting random girls, flirting with them and having a good time. I dont drink, I did do drugs for a few days in Pai where I was visiting for a week but no more.
I am not that young though, 24-25 is not young, I have 5 years before I hit 30, more than that neuroplasticity sets in and after an age you are not youthful anymore. I want to make the most of my youth, whatever remains of it. I will try to move to Bali once I get some money coming in, if all goes well, maybe the US. I can remember being 14 and instead of actually studying, I chose surfing the internet, a decision that I regret daily as it became a habit, like smoking, where whenever something bad would happen or if I needed to work on something, I would just take the easy way out. I can tell myself that maybe I am not meant to do anything computer related but that is a cope too since everything is kinda boring in the initial few days, you get good and things become fun, I never crossed that threshold so it is important I do so now.
I appreciate the advice and your intentions. I want to post weekly updates here and pray to god that I succeed with my startup stuff this time.
LOL
Ed:
If you are actually looking to improve your tech prospects I'd suggest moving to someplace that's, like -- got a lot of tech stuff/startups going on?
Thailand has a lot of lazy expat partiers and/or sex pervs looking to indulge those habits on the cheap, and Bali is much the same but with more Australians -- fun as these places might be, they will not help your career development.
I will try to move to the US soon if I can. Bali is great, ultimately i want to visit the US as a tech guy running his own thing since that is the Florence of tech startups of today, SF I mean but in the meantime, if I can visit bali, it would be fun. Really cute girls there too, partying, from around the world.
Thailand had so many sex pervs man, quite insane. I went there because pieter levels recommended chaing mai as its cheap, safe and very clean, amazing for a digital nomad. I miss that place though, so many memories, I feel like a grown up now in ways because I lived there, away from parents and in a different nation, first time leaving my country.
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This is a matter of perspective. I said the exact same thing about myself when I was 25, but looking back now (I'm 39) that age seems very young to me. I realize why you say this (I said it myself, lol), but try to reframe your perspective if you can.
I am worried that I will just end up being this way at 40 and that will be worse than death in all honesty. Another year of this and I am done.
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I don't have any useful advice, but I just thought I'd say: that sucks, bro, and I hope things get better for you.
Appreciate the advice buddy. I hope for the same, I dont wanna die or get old without having done stuff I want to do.
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Can I recommend you read "The Now Habit" as a non-drug aid for the ADD problems?
Will do, I will read jordan Petersons books (12 rules for life and beyond order). Will certainly add this to my kindle and read it asap, I have time off and would just read stuff in it so that I can unwind. Babystepping this stuff daily should help.
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What are you hoping to get from posting here, friend?
It helps me think out loud and get some frustration out. I go through my life never telling anyone how I feel, anonymously I can be myself. My parents did try to pamper me but it is not a good environment to be in long term. I will leave in a months time.
You don't have to leave. Just curious.
I am not leaving this place, by leaving I meant my home. I have been sad ever since I can remember my life, I am super fun and outgoing when people see me yet that is not me most of the time. If you fuck up enough times, life gets too complex, to the point where you cannot solve it, I think I am nearly at that point.
I don't think that you're anywhere near that point my friend, although I do agree that people can get there. Trust me though you're nowhere near rock bottom. I've seen a lot of people at or near rock bottom.
Don't trust your memories. I've struggled with depression. It tricks your brain into thinking you were never happy, which is a lie. Go on anti-depressants if you haven't tried them already. They get a lot of shit but they can help quite a bit if you're motivated to work through your issues.
Good luck, and godspeed.
I have lifestyle issues more than just depression where your brain fucks with you. If with a snap of my fingers, I got all the technical know how and a steday source of money, some progress on my startup stuff, I would instantly be happy so just ssris wont fix this. I will just start small for now, keep stacking things on my routine.
I was making progress in life when I had a routine so that is a good place to start. Will read Jordan Peterson and implement some stuff he recommends as a starting point to make sure I am taking some action in life. Cleaning your room, having a routine, tracking stuff you do daily, meditating, avoiding screens (surfing in particular), working out, getting enough rest etc should help me feel better in a weeks time.
Seconding @TheDag on this. It's very common for people to say "if only I had X I would be happy", get the thing, and then find out that they still aren't happy. Happiness really is a function of mindset more than external circumstances.
One thing you can try to work on to increase happiness is to try practicing gratitude. Focus as much as you can on the good side of things rather than the bad, and consciously make an effort to be grateful for those good things. At first it will be hard and require a conscious effort, but with practice it will get easier as your mind forms the habit. And eventually, it will help with your overall happiness as you are able to appreciate your current life situation more, no matter what it is.
Gratitude stuff never worked for me tbh. I resonated much more with allowing myself to feel whatever emotion I was feeling
With gratitude I always ended up beating myself up for not feeling it hah.
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This is true, yet I am only happy when I am progressing in life. Right now, being skillless and pennyless hurts me a lot, it wont make me super happy or grateful like meditation does but at least then I can not be sad and have something to work on. Obviously I need to feel better to even start working but I will feel way better, maybe not happier but at least I will not hate myself. I will feel like a grown up, feel like I am actually 24 instead of 14 in many ways.
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I don't mean to be cruel, but I don't think this is true my friend. In my experience these sorts of external things often do not make for true happiness. It takes a change in the way you process the world and your relationships.
Peterson is a good place to start, I agree. Good luck.
Sure but the removal of bad life decisions would at least make me not unhappy. I cannot be happy if my life is falling apart which it has. I am ambitious so not having the skills to match that is not a fun way to live.
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