The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
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Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.
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Hello all, how are you? I hope you all have been doing well.
I haven't been doing so great. I have personal contacts and a support system, but I think this community is one of the few places where my actual feelings will be understood, and my thoughts appreciated.
I'm struggling with finding psychotherapy that's effective for my combination of depression and anxiety, which I've dealt with since I was a child. I had my first recognizable depressive episode in the first grade, not kidding, so this is something that's obviously deep-rooted and temperamental in nature. In that sense, I'm not looking for "insight therapy" where I'm supposed to suddenly figure out what's causing my problems, but for skills-based therapy that can provide discrete and specific interventions I can rely on when my distress or my anhedonia get the better of me. Even solutions-focused brief therapy sounds better than insight therapy at this point.
I actually have a pretty good handle on my emotions and their causes -- counselors in the past have said I have a lot of insight into my problems. The issue isn't that I don't understand them, or are alienated from the true causes, but that I don't know what to do about the negative behaviors I have already identified I have. I'm not really coming into psychotherapy looking for a diagnosis, but a treatment.
I'd like to illustrate my problems with psychotherapy by talking about my most recent, and current, attempt at seeing a shrink.
The most concerning sign of my worsening depression is my attitude towards other people has gotten pretty harsh -- I'm quick to get angry, make snap judgments, even be tempted to be rude -- which is outside of the norm for me. I see this problem as more of a symptom than an underlying issue; I feel more pessimistic and irritable, so I'm eager to lash out. My real problem, I think, is that I don't have as much patience for others as I used to, because I feel on edge all the time.
Unfortunately, I think my new therapist saw this as a bigger part of my problems than it is, and we ended up going down a rabbit hole of "let's explore your feelings of annoyance to see what they tell you about your hidden emotions," and "your negative judgments of other people must be reflective of too much self-criticism." I didn't get any value out of this.
Another issue for me is that psychotherapists are all-in on "unconditional positive regard." This often feels to me like therapists pledging never to actually criticize the problems of the clients who are coming in for a critical eye on their problems.
My current therapist likes to bill himself on being "shame-free," but I'm coming to believe that the optimal amount of shame for personal growth, even in a therapeutic relationship, is not zero. While I don't think a therapist should be mean to their clients, I do think some level of fatherly Jordan-Peterson-style, "get yourself together, man, make something of yourself, you're better than this!" would be incredibly helpful and motivating.
One particular incident stands out -- I was talking about how I got in a social media rabbit hole of drama-reading that made me angry (a common thing for me, as themotte knows), and how I knew I shouldn't do it but did it anyway. He was quick to jump in and suggest "taking the shouldn't out of it," which instantly rubbed me the wrong way and made me feel like my convictions weren't being respected. He seemed surprised when I expressed a strong resolve to just... not use social media, because I see it as harmful to me. Has he never had a client who resolved to avoid things that are bad for them?
It's not that I feel my "shouldn'ts" in this area are imposed on me, or act as a source of guilt... I just recognize that this thing isn't something I like, it's not compatible with my value system, and I don't want to do it any more. I worry this particular therapist has made "avoiding negative judgments" so integral to his therapeutic approach that even when a client comes with an earnest sense that a particular behavior is wrong for them, he still feels the need to taboo their sense of resolution as maladaptive.
I do wonder if this is just a personality difference between men and women, where the average man is motivated more by rising to the challenge of fulfilling expectations and the average woman is motivated more by knowing people care about her and will support her regardless. This is one of the strong reasons why I wonder if the severe over-representation of women in psychology is really distorting the practice, so much so that even men are tailoring their treatment of male clients to the average woman's preferences and needs. When someone a while ago talked on here about "lefty mental health," think that was part of what they were talking about.
So, I feel like my current bout of therapy isn't working. We're not clicking. I've never actually had this happen before, despite trying therapy several times in my life -- I've always just kind of gone along with things, not thinking too much about what I'm looking to get out of therapy other than someone to listen. Now that I've thought critically about what I want to gain from treatment, I'm more judicious about what I need in a therapist. So I don't think this particular guy has the expertise or the right frame of mind to offer skills-based therapy, and is just generally a bad fit for me.
But I'm kind of stuck. As I've said, I've tried psychotherapy several times in my life, and it's made little difference in the overall trend of my mental health. In an earlier attempt at therapy, the only actual unit of value was the advice to use deep, slow breathing as a quick antidote to anxiety (something something parasympathetic nervous system), which to this day can legitimately feel like taking some sort of dissociative drug in terms of how chilled out it can make me.
If therapy has anything to offer me, I don't think it consists of therapeutic theories or piercing insight, but would offer more practical steps to counter negative self-talk and reduce bad thought/behavior spirals. The problem I have is not that I don't understand my problem and don't understand when my thoughts and behaviors are unhelpful, it's that, in the moment, I either feel egosyntonically aligned with the unhelpful things, or I feel situationally powerless to counter it. What I need is a therapist who recognizes that, and can provide direct and practical advice.
But increasingly I just feel like psychotherapy is a dead-end, and what I actually need is to finally get my GP to refer me to a psychiatrist, who might be willing to try one of the fancier anti-depressants that sometimes help people with treatment-resistant anxiety and depression. I've bounced between a few SSRIs and SNRIs in my life, but haven't seen much difference other than the fucked-up sex drive.
Hell, shock my brain at this point, I just don't want to feel on edge any more.
Any thoughts? Please be gentle.
I feel the same way. I have somewhat alleviated this by being more intentional about the environments/situations I put myself in. In things like men's circle, book clubs, and mental health support groups I have much more patience for people. It is probably due to some combination of me finding the discussions interesting, people being more open-minded, and/or being in situations where people can talk about more vulnerable things.
I guess you could dig deeper into what you like and dislike about certain environments, but I mostly rely on intuition. If I lose patience with people I'll just disengage with that specific environment and spend more time in one I like.
That technique, along with the parasympathetic nervous system, is explained in much greater detail here: https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/QnZRvud7fXfpdxBY3/againstness
Sometimes people need information on what they need to do. They need to look at their problems from an outsider's perspective to gain insight. However, once they have the necessary information then sometimes they need an outsider to provide motivation/accountability in order to follow through on something (for example: they know they need to eat healthier). If you need help following through on something there are other ways to get that without therapy.
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I'm of the opinion that great therapists are few and far between. Like a fraction of a percentage of the ones practicing are going to be confident and have their shit together enough to give you the Peterson style advice you're looking for.
That doesn't necessarily mean you stop looking. But it does require a new lens on therapy. If it's something you want to get something good out of, it's going to be a long slog. You'll need to do research, get referrals from other therapists, and try to find the absolute best ones.
To put it bluntly, I think to be a good therapist you need to be damn near enlightened. And frankly it sounds like you are adjusted well enough, I would say what you need is more spiritual type growth. Take that as you will.
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This comment may in no way help you. But it's unlikely to hurt you, either.
When my youngest son was in elementary school the group of kids who walk together to school (not a friend group--a pre-determined, decided cohort of children, one of whom has a flag) would be out there waiting around 8 o'clock. My son sometimes had an issue where as this moment approached he would get so worked up and beside himself with nervous energy that he would have to sit on the toilet. This got to the point where he would end up delaying the other kids, which is a big no-no in Japan, and his frazzled mother would go out and tell them all he would come later, they could go on.
I don't know if my solution was the best one, and it was certainly short-term, but I knew from bitter experience that getting scolded wasn't going to help him, nor was reason or threat or pleading. What did help was that every morning then I would set a deep metal bowl with ice water (like literal chunks of ice in it) and a towel. He would dunk his face for ten seconds, wipe dry, and off he went without ever making anyone wait again. I don't know how long this lasted, but it was long enough that wifey began worrying and told me I shouldn't be setting up the ice unless he asked. I knew better than that, too, though.
Eventually he didn't need the dunk, but I'll keep the ice machine full for the future.
This is all vagus nerve/parasympathetic nervous system hacking, as you alluded to, which is what reminded me.
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Are you certain they didn't make things better? I had to go on and off of SSRIs and SNRIs like 4 times before I finally accepted that it wasn't coincidence that better things seem to happen to me when I'm on them, and worse things seem to happen when I'm off them. I really thought it was coincidence at first, but eventually realized that I notice and accept the better things when I'm on these drugs.
This is a valid point. For what it's worth, I do notice an immediate and marked decline in my mental functioning if I ever forget a dose or skip one. It's subtle, but I've had it happen several times where I forgot to take it and then, like 12 hours later, realize I've been way more anxious than I normally am. I am suspicious that this is just a withdrawl -- let's call it what it is, and not use euphemisms like "discontinuation syndrome" -- that I would recover from if correctly tapered off. That's why I haven't discontinued the medication at this point.
However, I don't notice an overall difference in mood now vs before I started medication. I think the emotional blunting probably has some impact in "taking the edge off," but not enough for it to be a major improvement that helps me function more normally. I don't think it's pure placebo, but I also don't think the size of the effect is large enough for it to be worth the drug dependence and side effects.
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Not OP, but I tried 3 SSRIs and 1 SNRI and they didn't help in the least.
I definitely believe both you and OP that there are probably people for which these drugs have no effect. But I also think it's worth doublechecking, since I definitely had my aforementioned experience.
SSRIs have pretty weak effect sizes, but that's not the same as them being entirely useless after all.
Thankfully, Scott has a deep dive on the subject, sparing me the trouble:
https://slatestarcodex.com/2018/11/07/ssris-an-update/
This is 2018, pretty sure the "SSRIs are a placebo" thing came out after that.
I strongly disagree, I'm quite confident it was a relatively mainstream argument well before 2018, Scott wrote a post in 2014 to which this serves as an update, and that was partially motivated by the claims that SSRIs were useless/placebos.
Edit: The placebo theory is clearly mentioned in the text excerpt I posted as well as in his original blog post.
I mean that there was some big meta-analysis released a lot more recently than Scott wrote his article, which got a lot of press coverage. I think it was this one but I'm not 100% sure.
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I struggle with this. I have to make a conscious effort to be more forgiving of myself and others.
Other 'interventions' that have helped spending more time in meat-space with other people (church, civic-organizations like Rotary or Lions club, youth athletics with my children). Technological controls that restrict or limit my access to the internet.
I took SSRI for about 18 months, around 7 years ago. They reduced / blunted all my emotional response and tanked my libido.
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In terms of situation, you sound pretty similar to myself, though your condition might be more severe. My own perspective is that skills based therapy is probably going to do nothing for you. When it comes down to it, my ability to rationalize my negative thoughts is too strong for me to overcome. On anger, I sympathise. Holding a lot of anger is really unpleasant especially when you don't have any good way of expressing yourself.
To that end, I think insight-based therapy could be a better choice. The way I see it insights are basically ways of fitting your symptoms into a narrative that you can resolve.
Since it usually comes up, I personally found that exercise doesn't really help at all with this stuff, except acutely and sometimes not even that.
This is definitely something I've struggled with. I think one of the big challenges for smart, philosophical people who struggle with emotional regulation is how powerful the rationalizing impulse is in them.
That's one of the big reasons I want to lean more towards skill or solution based therapy, actually -- I'm not particularly interested in altering my worldview or doing extensive cognitive restructuring, and to be entirely honest I would find it impossible to lean on the judgment of a psychotherapist when doing so. I think someone would have to be close to enlightened -- as @TheDag said -- to actually offer insight into my cognitions or personality that would both ring true and motivate change. Otherwise, and this is what I've run into with the current therapist, I would quite easily be able to argue against their supposed insights to my satisfaction, if not theirs. My hope would be that, with a more skills-based approach, we could talk more about behaviors than cognitions. And my behavior is really what I want to be different.
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I cannot speak to the efficacy of therapy. I myself have seen a therapist for the last year and a half and been involved in a men’s group for six months. I actually just quit doing my individual therapy, but will absolutely continue my men’s group.
My thoughts are that therapy really doesn’t work, but it offers at least some placebo effect. That is, it gives me some peace of mind that I’m doing something to try to fix my negative mental health. But I still have a deep rooted belief that therapy is not all that helpful. Which is interesting. Because when I posed this belief to my men’s group, all the men in the group strongly agreed that therapy was helpful to them. I, myself am not convinced. Really, the main reason I like men’s group therapy is that I get to shoot the shit with men for two hours a week without phones. The sessions are therapeutic, but I don’t feel like I take much with me out into the real world.
My opinion on SSRIs is that they also don’t work. At least not for me. But I do have good experience with other, stronger drugs, particularly those prescribed for bipolar or stronger mood disorders. You may consider giving those a try. And you don’t need to see an in-person psychiatrist for those. Depending on where you live, you may be able to find a virtual doctor or nurse practitioner. Ive found this to be low to medium helpful.
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Have you tried Dialectical behaviour therapy?
I haven't really considered it, as my understanding is it was created for borderline personality disorder. When I investigated it, I was troubled by the focus, certainly part of what's necessary to treat BPD, that it puts on trying to get people to realize they're not well ("recognize the illness"). I guess it just sounds condescending. I don't have the instability of self-image or interpersonal relationships that characterizes BPD, my perceptions there are some of the most stable views I have. So insofar as DBT is oriented towards that, I'm not sure it's applicable to me.
But nevertheless, looking at it with fresh eyes, there's definitely a lot about DBT that does apply to the problems I face, especially how the focus is on skills to deal with dysregulated emotions, taking them almost as a given, because for me they kind of are. Being able to gain a certain amount of cognitive distance between my emotions and my thoughts is actually a big part of how I cope with my problems as it stands. If I let them carry me with them, I think my emotions would quickly become overwhelming. Insofar as I appear to casual observers like @TheDag to be well-adjusted (and this is something that I hear in person as well, acquaintances and even friends are often surprised how much I struggle with my emotions), it's because I have a mode of thinking that challenges impulsivity and counters dumb decisions with a calculation of utility. That is probably the nerdiest way to put it, but still, it's true.
Often I think that, if I weren't so introverted and behaviorally conventional, I would be much, much more emotionally challenged and poorly adjusted than I am. My negative emotions, philosophical (and thus often detached) orientation, and conventional behavior operate kind of in a homeostasis that helps me cope. If one piece were missing, I think I would spiral out of control.
There's probably something to the DBT assertion (that I saw on the wiki page you linked) that emotional dysfunction can persist because it's rewarded or not challenged by the environment. As it is, I think I don't expose my dysfunction to the world to the point where its consequences would alter my perception. I was reading about schema therapy the other day (it might even have been a lesswrong post?), and I think in part my problems persist because my negative perceptions are never challenged by reality, because I don't act on them. There's probably also something to that.
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If psychology and psychiatry aren't working for you, try something else. (Or try again - the right med and/or therapist could in fact exist. I think guanfacine is highly underrated.) Lift is the obvious answer, or exercise more broadly, if you aren't already. Or even more broadly, get off the internet and go do things at a place.
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