The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Are there any good resources to reference on how to have good straight sex?
I really like this girl, but my previous sexual encounters were three one night stands in undergrad that I remember little from.
We've had sex twice, it's been terrible and it's mostly been me. I really don't know how or what to do tbh. I don't want to admit my complete ignorance and I can tell it's not working for her. In that despite everything else being great, the relationship is going to be over if we can't fix this. Like everything else being so great is why she's been willing to continue this despite the bad sex.
Like I could just let this run it's course and take these lessons to the next relationship or something, but I genuinely really, really, really like this girl and I want to at least reach out for advice of some sort in the off chance some advice can make it not terrible and we can actually possibly make this work.
If you're having trouble with the mechanics, check out amateur threads on /gif/ or some other repository of short clips. That'll let you get a sense of where to put your limbs in each position, potential positions, etc. Not professional porn, of course, since that's done for cameras over comfort. Start with some dry-humping (e.g. her straddling your lap while kissing) so she gets used to moving her hips and you get a sense of how yours should move. Make sure to use your fingers, it should be really easy if you pay attention to what makes her react, or react badly. If she can't be verbal about not liking a move, the pressure, etc... that's a bad sign on her part. Again, start through the panties. Ease into things and let the positive feedback give you confidence - don't jump from any stage too fast (and look up how to find the clitoris/g-spot, it's really simple). Once you've established that rapport between your bodies, it'll carry over into actual sex.
Contra the common advice to make her cum first so the sex doesn't seem so important, don't worry too much. Try, of course! But a lot of women, particularly in these days of SSRIs and general poor health, can't cum from any kind of sex at all. The journey is just as important as the destination. And the best way to make her orgasm from sex once you have some confidence in yourself is again likely (again, not all women) going to be to not care that she does and to do what you want.
And, for god's sake, talk to her, and definitely not in a mopey and self-defeated voice where you blame yourself. That's a fast track to making her blame herself, at which point it's game over. Calm, open, no blame, "I want to learn how to please you."
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She Comes First is not a bad book, but it's mostly about going down. Still very useful.
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One thing that I've found to be very important, that isn't discussed very much, is that one of the most important parts of sex for women is to be desired. Women really want to be desired, to the point that it's often at least as important as physical pleasure. If you worry too much about how you're doing you're not going to be projecting desire of her, you're going to be projecting insecurity.
Women can be perfectly happy with sex ending prematurely (as long as there has been enough foreplay so that it isn't painful) if you clearly and visibly desired her and enjoyed having sex with her.
What I'm trying to say is that one of the most important parts of her enjoying having sex with you is you enjoying to have sex with her.
Lastly, it's really hard to give advice when you're not telling us what's going wrong. Is it painful for her? Do you come prematurely? Is she just bored? What is it that isn't working?
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Take a look at https://start.omgyes.com/join - online videos / courses about different sexual techniques. It's specific, concrete, and actionable.
Never heard of that site before. Sounds interesting but... seems a bit scammy that you can't view any of their content, even a preview, without paying for a the full package (lol) first. Does it avoid the common pitfall of trying to preach a feminist perspective of what sex "should" be like, rather than what women actually want? The way their FAQ starts with their committment to DEI does not exactly fill me with confidence that they're an objective source.
Let me make a comparison: Have you ever tried to look up the details of a recipe online, and then you end up on a recipe website that's hidden the facts you actually need beneath 70 paragraphs of SEO-approved blather, so you're trapped scrolling past this bullshit when all you want to know is how much to butter to use?
The courses on OMGYes get straight to telling you where to put the butter. How much, when, should you warm up the pan first. It's very helpful if you want to, ahem, drill down to questions about speed, pressure, angle, rhythm, and so on.
If I had to use a culture-war shorthand, I'd describe it as grill-pilled with a layer of DEI marketing. The women in the videos are disproportionately black, but none of them lecture you about structural racism.
Pro-tip for dodging this- for a recipe that includes meat, google 'game meat version'- eg 'venison meatloaf' or whatever. You'll find plenty of blogs with an introductory paragraph about how much the writer's husband liked it/it gets their kids to eat their vegetables but usually only one before getting to the recipe+instructions.
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I am not Don Juan or something, but in my experience - not rushing the foreplay and making sure she is more aroused than you at every step leads to acceptable outcomes with most women.
And well... if you can't read her, ask her. When it comes to tongue and fingers - she probably wouldn't mind giving you some clues. For the penetration itself also.
You can ask, but watch out that you don't fall into a trap. bear in mind that (a) she's young, probably doesn't exactly know what she likes (b) might be embarassed to say it and (c) doesn't want to be giving the guy step-by-step instructions during sex. I feel like you just have to intuit that stuff and see what works and what doesn't.
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I know this is probably not actionable for you at this point but this kind of stuff is yet another reason why "wait until you're married for sex" works so much better. When we got married both my wife and I were completely inexperienced (we were both virgins) and we were both terrible at sex. But because we were married and trusted each other, there was nothing hard about admitting ignorance and inexperience and hangups, and now we have had years to get good at making each other happy. I have no clue whether anything I've learned is transferable or not, but I don't have to care because I only have to please one woman, not all of them.
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You are probably making way more of this than what it really is.
How the fuck do you know it's terrible, you've had sex five times in your life.
You have no idea how incompetent the average man is, and you have no idea what kind of experiences she's had before. You might be average for her right now!
There's a million things to be said about romance, setting the mood, foreplay, teasing, edging, games, rope, a well placed hand around the throat, a well timed slap, role playing, group sex, positions both normal and wild, surprises, blindfolds, dirty talk.
But, before you worry about any of that, back to the fundamentals: are you touching her clitoris? And are you asking her if that's how she likes to have her clitoris touched?
There's no shame to be had in such a question, it no more reveals your ignorance than asking what the controls are when playing a new game. Individual women are different, wildly different. One needs intense stimulation, another gentle and slow, a third wants it bitten. One wants it fast and hard, another gentle, a third will only cum if you act like you hate her. Men are mostly pretty much the same, the penis doesn't have a lot of variation in its uses or its needs. Women vary. Knowledgable women know they vary, and thus have experience in guiding new partners.
Don't be afraid to need guidance on this from her, if she has enough experience to know you don't know what you're doing than she's run into this before; if she doesn't have enough experience to know you suck than it doesn't matter anyway. Any shame on this topic is coming entirely from within your own head, fake it until you make it. "Do you like that?" or "Does that feel good?" can easily be the building blocks of good dirty talk anyway. It's all in the framing. Make it seem like something hot you're doing and it will be something hot you're doing.
Start there: figure out how she likes to have her clit played with, play with it. Don't start worrying about anything more complex or involved or acrobatic until you've figure out the combination to that particular safe. Everything else will start falling into place after that: go down on her as foreplay, get an orgasm on the scoreboard, and suddenly PiV won't feel like it needs to be the main event of the evening, you'll be able to enjoy that for yourself rather than trying to please her. Take the pressure off your penis, and you'll often find you get and stay harder lasting longer, having more fun. Start to get a few good games on your record and you'll get braver, more confident, and you'll get better. Get better and you'll feel more confident swapping fantasies, pleasures, desires, and you'll learn more about your lover and try more, and get better, and so on and so forth ad infinitum.
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From her perspective, how load-bearing for the relationship is "you just magically know how to X properly without asking", and how do you know that? (And I get that it isn't particularly manly to need to ask that; but how manly do you believe this relationship requires you to be?)
Is this "the encounter ends with her laughing her ass off", "the encounter ends with one or both parties injured", or something different?
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