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But many of the most promiscuous (straight) men haven’t done any of the above complex personal work, they’re just somewhat hot dudes who spend their twenties as bartenders or in an unsuccessful band or hanging around the cheaper parts of Brooklyn where they live with roommates doing various low skill jobs. I think this is a misunderstanding of ‘what it takes’ (not that I oppose self improvement for its own sake).
With the exclusion of star athletes or musicians/actors successful enough to have large numbers of groupies, the straight men who have the most sex (with women who aren’t prostitutes) are those who spend the most time around large numbers of drunk young women late at night. I don’t mean in a predatory way, necessarily, just in general. The jobs these people do are almost all low paid. The bartender who lives with four roommates in deepest bushwick and moonlights as an UberEats driver is getting laid more than the banker who lives in Murray Hill, all else (looks, charisma) being the same, just because of opportunity, even though the latter has more ‘of his shit together’ in the financial/career/etc sense.
My suspicion has always been that many men see it as an indignity to have to try to get laid, and that’s where the hangup is. Having to pursue feels like an insult. I don’t have any strict evidence of this, it’s just a gut feeling.
I’m also sure that many women see it as an indignity to have to try to find a husband/boyfriend. After all, it’s something that should just, you know, happen to them. And the thing is, they aren’t wrong, because a well-functioning society puts various structures in place in order to facilitate mating long-term and short-term, so that nobody has to structure their entire lifestyles around finding at keeping a mate with high and concerted effort. At the very least, it doesn’t sabotage male attempts at pursuit in various ways.
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Yes there are some men who acquire sex easily. I have known some. But you can't always be sure some of them weren't previously ugly ducklings.
Indignity feels like totally the wrong word. It certainly feels like a chore or a useless set of tasks after a while. It's also not much of a challenge after a while.
The requirement of a pursuit is a filter, but it's sometimes a filter that has entirely stopped working for certain men. And why wouldn't those men start to view the filter as a waste of everyone's time?
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Counterpoint- pursuing is really, really fun, and our society has to put a moderately high amount of effort into preventing men and older boys from doing so in inappropriate times, places, and manners.
I agree lots of men like it, but I’m talking more about those who don’t or who dislike having to do it.
And also those who have had a string of strikes (starting the vicious cycle of self loathing).
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