This weekly roundup thread is intended for all culture war posts. 'Culture war' is vaguely defined, but it basically means controversial issues that fall along set tribal lines. Arguments over culture war issues generate a lot of heat and little light, and few deeply entrenched people ever change their minds. This thread is for voicing opinions and analyzing the state of the discussion while trying to optimize for light over heat.
Optimistically, we think that engaging with people you disagree with is worth your time, and so is being nice! Pessimistically, there are many dynamics that can lead discussions on Culture War topics to become unproductive. There's a human tendency to divide along tribal lines, praising your ingroup and vilifying your outgroup - and if you think you find it easy to criticize your ingroup, then it may be that your outgroup is not who you think it is. Extremists with opposing positions can feed off each other, highlighting each other's worst points to justify their own angry rhetoric, which becomes in turn a new example of bad behavior for the other side to highlight.
We would like to avoid these negative dynamics. Accordingly, we ask that you do not use this thread for waging the Culture War. Examples of waging the Culture War:
-
Shaming.
-
Attempting to 'build consensus' or enforce ideological conformity.
-
Making sweeping generalizations to vilify a group you dislike.
-
Recruiting for a cause.
-
Posting links that could be summarized as 'Boo outgroup!' Basically, if your content is 'Can you believe what Those People did this week?' then you should either refrain from posting, or do some very patient work to contextualize and/or steel-man the relevant viewpoint.
In general, you should argue to understand, not to win. This thread is not territory to be claimed by one group or another; indeed, the aim is to have many different viewpoints represented here. Thus, we also ask that you follow some guidelines:
-
Speak plainly. Avoid sarcasm and mockery. When disagreeing with someone, state your objections explicitly.
-
Be as precise and charitable as you can. Don't paraphrase unflatteringly.
-
Don't imply that someone said something they did not say, even if you think it follows from what they said.
-
Write like everyone is reading and you want them to be included in the discussion.
On an ad hoc basis, the mods will try to compile a list of the best posts/comments from the previous week, posted in Quality Contribution threads and archived at /r/TheThread. You may nominate a comment for this list by clicking on 'report' at the bottom of the post and typing 'Actually a quality contribution' as the report reason.
Jump in the discussion.
No email address required.
Notes -
I'm not sure where I am in percentile amounts. I know men who had hundreds of partners (and I believe them because I've met dozens of their partners in the short time I knew them). But I probably know way more men who have had fewer partners than I have. Being in the 90th percentile wouldn't surprise me.
I'm not entirely sure what qualifies as a cold approach. Like I have never met them before? Or they have no social connection to me? I've succeeded with women I've never met before, but it was often in situations where her friends knew my friends and some even knew me as well.
I had some success with okcupid back when Tinder was a new up and coming dating app. I suppose that is sort of a cold approach.
I think to be in the position to do that, or to just have one successful relationship with a woman can require a lot of work on the part of a man. It's emotional growth, career growth, physical growth, social growth, and just general personal success. Starting from having only a working dick at puberty and getting to the point of being a mature adult is what it takes.
I've talked about this subject before and compared it to getting a job. To some extent getting a job is easy. Submit a resume, have some job skills, and be able to show up and work. But that requires a whole bunch of assumptions, and you realize just how many assumptions when you give that advice to a three year old. There is a decade of learning and growing they need to do before that advice can apply. The same is true of sex and relationships. You can't just tell a freshly minted sexually active teen boy to go be confident and talk to a bunch of women in order to have sex. That boy needs about a decade of growth before they are good marriage material, or sexual chad material.
What seems to be happening in our society is that we have been pushing the age of early teen sexual dynamics later and later. This is maybe a good thing for young girls. But for young boys it means that the moment of their sexual maturity is also being delayed. They aren't doing the growing and learning soon enough.
To clarify why I think it is the most difficult thing:
I consider the completion of a man's sexual journey to be the difficult thing. That means a successful monogamous marriage, or sexual chadhood. They have done what they need to do to either swear off the pursuit of many women, or they can successfully engage in the sexual pursuit of many women.
When a young person applies to college all they are doing is submitting an application. The process of submitting an application is not very difficult. It takes less than a day. However, they can rightfully say it is the hardest thing they've ever done, especially if that application gives them a good chance of getting into a great college. The pre-requisites are the difficult part. Taking all the standardized tests, completing over a decade of school, the extra curriculars, the essays, etc.
The same is true of men reaching sexual maturity. The final steps are usually easy and straightforward. It's the previous decade of pre-requisites that was the hard part. Learning how to be funny, hold a conversation, learning how to read all the social cues, learning how to be a productive member of society, etc.
But many of the most promiscuous (straight) men haven’t done any of the above complex personal work, they’re just somewhat hot dudes who spend their twenties as bartenders or in an unsuccessful band or hanging around the cheaper parts of Brooklyn where they live with roommates doing various low skill jobs. I think this is a misunderstanding of ‘what it takes’ (not that I oppose self improvement for its own sake).
With the exclusion of star athletes or musicians/actors successful enough to have large numbers of groupies, the straight men who have the most sex (with women who aren’t prostitutes) are those who spend the most time around large numbers of drunk young women late at night. I don’t mean in a predatory way, necessarily, just in general. The jobs these people do are almost all low paid. The bartender who lives with four roommates in deepest bushwick and moonlights as an UberEats driver is getting laid more than the banker who lives in Murray Hill, all else (looks, charisma) being the same, just because of opportunity, even though the latter has more ‘of his shit together’ in the financial/career/etc sense.
My suspicion has always been that many men see it as an indignity to have to try to get laid, and that’s where the hangup is. Having to pursue feels like an insult. I don’t have any strict evidence of this, it’s just a gut feeling.
I’m also sure that many women see it as an indignity to have to try to find a husband/boyfriend. After all, it’s something that should just, you know, happen to them. And the thing is, they aren’t wrong, because a well-functioning society puts various structures in place in order to facilitate mating long-term and short-term, so that nobody has to structure their entire lifestyles around finding at keeping a mate with high and concerted effort. At the very least, it doesn’t sabotage male attempts at pursuit in various ways.
More options
Context Copy link
Yes there are some men who acquire sex easily. I have known some. But you can't always be sure some of them weren't previously ugly ducklings.
Indignity feels like totally the wrong word. It certainly feels like a chore or a useless set of tasks after a while. It's also not much of a challenge after a while.
The requirement of a pursuit is a filter, but it's sometimes a filter that has entirely stopped working for certain men. And why wouldn't those men start to view the filter as a waste of everyone's time?
More options
Context Copy link
Counterpoint- pursuing is really, really fun, and our society has to put a moderately high amount of effort into preventing men and older boys from doing so in inappropriate times, places, and manners.
I agree lots of men like it, but I’m talking more about those who don’t or who dislike having to do it.
And also those who have had a string of strikes (starting the vicious cycle of self loathing).
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link