The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
-
Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
-
Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.
-
Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.
-
Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).
Jump in the discussion.
No email address required.
Notes -
So dating. I'm at a bit of a crossroads. On one hand I want to get married and have kids, so in some sense dating is required for that. On the other, most people I seem to meet through dating apps are not really the kind of person I would like to spend my life with. I have two big requirements: open-minded and physically active, which surprisingly seems to cross out a lot of candidates. Things have been better organically, but those kinds of relationships kind of just "happen". I also subjectively feel extremely busy: I'm working on my PhD, studying for the DELE B2 Spanish Exam, running 50-70 miles a week, and hanging out with my friends. If the right person comes along I'm very willing to sacrifice some of these things, but I feel a bit like I'm wasting my time going on dates with girls from dating apps that I don't end up liking, rather than focusing on job/hobbies/community.
27M living in Baltimore, MD for context. I'm a non-strict vegan (shellfish+honey), and don't care if partner is also vegan. Catholic, but pretty critical of the narrow-mindedness of the church on dogma. Extremely fit endurance athlete. No problem with most drugs, but not a heavy user of anything.
What does theMotte think I should do?
How compatible do the women you go on dates with seem when you are setting things up? I found my current partner via a dating app. I always thought the app was just a means to go on a date with a girl, where I could get a much better idea of how compatible we were. In retrospect, it was incredibly obvious even talking over the app how compatible my partner and I are (and how incompatible I was with everyone else I spoke with).
Be very open about what you are looking for and why someone might be looking for you on your profile. Make sure you include the stuff you have included here about where you want the relationship to go. If not wanting to get married in the future is a dealbreaker, include it! This will save you a lot of time and effort.
If you feel like you are wasting time going on dates, go on less dates. You can spend more time talking on the app or via text messages. You seem to have a decent idea of what you are looking for and are good at written communication. Just weed out more people online. If it feels like a drag to go on a date, don't do it.
Good advice. I think I'm honestly too open to giving people chances whereas the dates I've been on where it worked out (at least short term) things just clicked fast.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
Shellfish!?!?!? You haven't read the analyzes of cumulative shrimp suffering!?
(Joking, of course - I'm practically an obligate carnivore resigned to living with a guilty conscious. Good luck with dating!)
Only oysters and clams and mussels and scallops. Shrimp are too developed for me.
I feel so inferior... (not joking)
Careful you don't feel too inferior or I'll eat you too!
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
Do you belong to any of the running groups? I used to work at a place on JHU's campus and several coworkers would get to work early to get in a morning run and a shower. By their accounts the running groups were good for running and the people were good people. What about bike party? Or meetups for running in the local parks? Every time I go hiking the mountain bikers and trail runners keep me on my toes.
My husband and I were introduced by a friend. Do your friends know you're looking? Her introduction gave him some credibility. FWIW if I had had a list of what I was looking for in a husband it would not have described him. But he was and is perfect for me.
This area is rolling in Catholics, and I don't know any who are doctrinaire. Drugs will be hit or miss. Seems you either get sure, drugs are great! Or stay away, I have to maintain my clearance.
I would think your biggest problem going to be that a good match for you is likely equally busy and likely avoiding serious commitments because in too many marriages with 2 ambitious people, the woman loses. Any hope of turning a grad school friendship into something?
More options
Context Copy link
Try to get a social circle going, mostly girls who party, that way you would be able to meet far more girls and have more friends who will set you up. This is what I would do too, dating apps are terrible, guys usually get girls who look worse than them. Attractive women, even non alcoholic ones visit watering holes, it will take some time out of your life for a year or two but you would not regret it.
More options
Context Copy link
Try to meet women through some kind of activity club. Dancing, running, kickball, etc.
Many normal people also don't enjoy dating apps. Especially anyone that isn't just looking for hookups.
If you do insist on using dating apps, try to only reach out to newish looking profiles. They are less likely to be in the hookup cycle.
More options
Context Copy link
I've heard a lot of good things about co-ed social sports leagues in terms of meeting dating prospects. Also helps to pre-select for physically active and generally fit women. Even if you don't meet someone, you'll probably have some fun, and worst case, it's easy to bail.
I've done Volo, it's a lot of fun!
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
Focus on identifying a physically active partner. The right wife for you should follow your lead in regards to open mindedness, I wouldn't filter on this.
Common disinterests can be as important if not moreso than common intrests.
Do you have a timeframe in mind for marriage? Have you been telling people you're looking for a wife and mother of your future children?
No specific time frame in mind for marriage, but I would like to have children before I'm 40. When I've dated people over the past few years it has been with an eye towards marriage, and when it becomes apparent that that is not on the table due to personality/ideological differences, the relationship ends pretty fast.
Thanks for the other advice! I'm finding the open-mindedness thing to be very hard. Woke and catholic women seem to find different parts of my beliefs/personality to be a deal breaker. Perhaps this is just that I'm a). not quite hot/chad enough b). haven't found a woman who likes me enough to look past that stuff.
I realize I’m asking you to list your flaws, but could you elaborate on your thoughts here?
Personality flaws: The biggest straight-up flaw I have is insecurity. I care too much about what others think, and don't see my own value. I also am quite judgmental, but I don't see this necessarily as a straight up flaw, rather as something I need to keep better to myself. Other things that might be seen as flaws: pretty strict about sleep and exercise, don't own a car for environmental (but also economic) reasons (I have a zipcar membership so this doesn't have to be a problem), I'm also pretty irreverent to authority/ to any particular "team".
Beliefs that might be seen as dealbreakers. Veganism. Certain women want men who are hunt and eat steak, and many others want their husband to be able to cook their favorite dishes, which usually contain meat. I'm open to comprise as long as it doesn't involve me eating meat or animal products, but this isn't always clear on the first date. Catholicism. For woke women it's usually over (how can you hate women and gay people so much). Truth seeking. This goes with the irreverence above. I will not swear forever allegiance to any institution or group that doesn't allow me to update my beliefs based on my experience in the world. This obviously causes problem with catholics (I believe revelation is incomplete and evolving), but also with lots of secular people. A lot of this comes down to keeping my mouth shut, but I have also been burned real hard when I've expressed these kinds of thoughts to people who I thought loved me.
Why are you vegan? Are you open to changing this?
It's frankly too much work to prepare multiple meals regularly. I don't think I could ever date or marry someone who doesn't mostly overlap me in diet, though varying preference rankings are fine.
I am vegan for ethical reasons. Not open to changing this, although I am open to compromises on specific animal products (i.e. will eat eggs if we keep chickens ourselves). I am happy to do all the cooking myself.
Maybe in the heady carefree days of youth you can manage a separate diet from your significant other, but adding kids sucks away your time and increases the stress of even the best relationships. I think it's not sustainable for you to marry and have kids with somebody who is not mostly on the same diet as you. Plus, if it's for ethical reasons, why would you want to marry someone who is unethical by the standards you hold yourself to? It doesn't feel good to be on the other end of that equation, either.
More options
Context Copy link
Ethical in what sense? We were given any moving thing that lives. Gen 9:3
I believe God wants us to eat meat.
God only allows humans to eat meat after the Noahide covenant. Before that animals are reserved for burnt offerings. Adam is almost certainly a vegetarian, at least while he lives in the garden. Thus eating meat is another sign of our fall away from grace.
Beyond Christianity there is the inconvenient fact that my lying eyes (and other senses) tell me that animals are like me and experience pain and pleasure and have some form of consciousness. I don't think it's correct to eat human babies for meat, even though they are objectively less conscious than me, nor do I think it's okay to eat retards, who will never be as conscious as me. Without some arbitrary human/animal distinction (which is one of the flaws of christianity IMO) I don't think you can justify one and not the other, at least in my opinion.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
Since you mention potentially wanting to marry and raise kids together, some of those things do sound a bit counter to that.
This will be a struggle if you ever do have kids, but it just is what it is, they can start trying to sleep through the night at about 6 months.
My husband didn't have a car when we started living together (Chicago), but you will almost certainly need one if you get a proper household going, with children.
Hm. Yeah. It's really irritating to cook dinner, and then have your man say, no, he's got his own food that's different, enjoy though. It's also pretty irritating to be always cooking vegan food with a side of meat or cheese, though that can depend on what cuisine you both like. Also, only going out to restaurants that serve vegan food makes proposing a place to eat out much harder. I used to keep Orthodox fasts, which are like that, and mostly just didn't eat out. Which was alright, since it was meant to be penitential, but isn't great for dating. Not sure what to do about this.
A big anxiety around this for women is whether they're in danger of losing their belief based community, and if so, what you can replace it with together. One of the big problems of modernity is that there often isn't a replacement, people just become more isolated.
I know sleep is going to be compromised when I have kids. This is fine, and other areas of my life will just have to suffer for a while. I just don't see a need to do this for relatively superficial social reasons.
Car I'm also willing to buy/share when/if I get married. It's not a good investment now, and I have a zipcar membership when I absolutely need it (for a hike or something).
The vegan restaurants issue is not an issue. Because I eat shellfish, there is always something for me, at least around here. What I've done in the past is cook vegan every time my girlfriend is over. She appreciates the cooking even if she isn't vegan herself. In marriage I'll probably continue to do the same. Worst comes to worse I'll have to learn how to cook some amount of meat. Kids are not going to be vegan, at least at first. There are too many open questions about nutrition at that age that I'm not looking to have an argument about.
I think this is a problem with the institution of the Church in the West. There are so many propositions that you have to accept based on blind-faith, many of which I think are incorrect. It doesn't need to be this way. You can have a lot of doctrinal flexibility in your religious community while still maintaining a strong moral core of belief.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
Meditating, contemplation practise of any kind done over time helped me feel slightly better. Being insecure and judgemental as a guy severely neuters your odds of dating a really hot girl. A mans internals, his status are like a womans look, they make up a big chunk of your attractiveness. You are totally correct to have whatever beliefs you have. A lot of your arguments or bad dates would resolve themselves by
Actively fixing your insecurities. For me, I am unskilled, broke, living in my backward fucking nation and skinny. So I have been trying to do my sabbatical properly, meditate and workout regularly.
Do not take women seriously when they do argue. As you date and sleep with more, you would naturally come to not care about it as much since many times they can be quite unreasonable if they can hint insecurity issues, look up "shit tests". If a girl is catholic, debating with religion is worse than just saying that you are agnostic.
Dating more girls. This solves most issues and is one everyone wants to ignore. The more girls you sleep with and the sooner you do, the easier the entire thing becomes. You become less insecure and figure out a lot of standards you should have you may be unaware otherwise. I got burned fairly hard when I started because I had no standards and was willing to sleep with anyone which counter intuitively nuked my chances. People who have the ability to socialise well, have standards up thier chances by a lot.
This is terrible for dating, you should not be judgemental at first. Communication between men and women is not verbal, it is mostly non verbal. You cannot be judgemental towards a girl until you spend some time. Just because you are having fun does not mean that you approve of that person in totlaity.
This is a good thing, you are not living life in a state of trance and abide by your own princicples strongly. You should be mentally prepared to reduce your time spent running or other activities by a little and adjust your sleep schedule if you want to date for a bit.
This is not a flaw since if you were a diehard adherent to xyz then it would not look good if you were a low level adherent. Though you would eventually need to find a team in general since cooperation is the most important things humans engage in. Truth is a terrible schelling point, in that way I am in the same boat as you.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link