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Culture War Roundup for the week of September 9, 2024

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Straight men who aren't hyper culturally attuned don't like Taylor Swift.

I like Taylor Swift. She does, in fact, have plenty of songs that are about neither breakups nor girl power. And many of her breakup songs are in fact still good songs that can appeal to men, because male artists actually write a ton of breakup songs as well. Turns out it’s a pretty universal human experience that provides ample inspiration for music and art.

"The eugenics advocate enjoys Taylor Swift" was not on my 2024 bingo card. Yet here we are.

I mean she’s hot, and her business acumen indicates she’s a lot smarter than the average pop star. So ‘Taylor Swift as the new aryan master race’ is at least fairly reasonable.

Everyone knows that the oncee and future Queen of hyper-American cosmetic destiny is Britney Spears.

She was sent to us at the Millennium for a reason. Accepting Swift is the acceptance of shallow, imposter level goods. But do as you see fit! Kneel before your God, Babylon!

Britney Spears has working-class physiognomy. A worthless idol for superstitious peasants. Taylor Swift has a refined, aristocratic mien - built to be immortalized as a votive statue in a grand porcelain temple.

There must be war.

God wills it!

You’re both wrong. Given the current demographic trajectory of the United States, the Queen of hyper-American cosmetic destiny is Jenna Ortega. Sorry CHUDs, you will marry the qt-3.141596 goth Latina gf. And you will be happy.

Jenna Ortega is a six! Or, sorry, as her people would call her, una seis.

I mean if you’re looking for a physical model to emulate and optimize humanity toward, you could certainly pick far worse than Taylor Swift.

I was thinking of you, Hoff, when I saw Musk's weird tweet appearing to offer to impregnate Taylor Swift. My first reaction was, that would be a cute and funny thing for Hoff to say, not at all cute from Elon.

Which goes back to my point that Elon is just a regular extremely online guy stuck being famous.

I mean, presumably it’s only funny coming from me because there is no plausible path whatsoever to me actually impregnating Taylor Swift. (Teardrops drench my screen protector as the finality of this admission fully sinks in.) Whereas Elon, I think, sincerely means it and thinks there’s at least a non-zero chance she’d express interest. If I was in Musk’s position I’d probably shoot my shot too, although I’d like to imagine he has the resources and clout to arrange a more favorable venue to attempt that conversation with her, rather than a flippant tweet. What do I know, though?

Now if anyone here wants to help me concoct an elaborate plan to surreptitiously swap my sperm donor sample in for Elon’s, I am all ears. I will contribute little or nothing to the logistics or execution stages, as I need to conserve my energy and limit stress to ensure I’m producing the best possible sample.

I mean, that's my point. Elon still jokes like what he says doesn't matter, while enjoying the audience adulation he gets because it does matter.

If he was in any way serious, oh, Lord.

Though a run in at MNF where a drunk Jason Kelce punches Elon Musk to defend his brother's honor would be THE BEST.

Travis (not Jason) Kelce knocking Elon's teeth in would be the culture war Big Bang to set everything right again.

The King of Chad DudeBro's who is dating the queen of The Popular Girls erases high flying nerd who got too big for his britches.

Cue Kickstart my Heart by Motely Crue while Zombie Regan drives a Pontiac Firebird straight into the Oval Office.

Why Travis over Jason specifically? I picked Jason because it has the added layer of male brotherhood, and because his retirement removes the in game impact.

The offensive line doesn't score points. If you don't score points, nobody cares.


That's be being hyberbolic and, as a football fan, I, of course, understand how important line play is. Offensive line dudes, in particular, tend to be highly intelligent.

I chose Travis because I'm writing a farcical vignette on the internet about celebrities fighting.

Ah but in Philly the offensive line was scoring points

In all honesty I didn't appreciate just how crazy the brotherly shove was until I watched it live. It's insane. You could feel the tension on the defense, they know EXACTLY what's coming and know they're unlikely to stop it.

Though a run in at MNF where a drunk Jason Kelce punches Elon Musk to defend his brother's honor would be THE BEST.

Ah, but who paid the bartender to over-serve Jason? Elon did. And who has been taking the best Brazilian jiujitsu night classes money can buy for a year and a half in preparation for this moment? Elon has. And when Elon vanquishes Jason in hand-to-hand combat as Taylor looks on, mouth agape and heart aflutter, and with all of America watching in stunned adoration, that’s the perfect time for him to make his move.

(And that’s when it becomes very important for you guys to have come up with an airtight plan to make sure the Hoffmeister Sauce Switcheroo will go off without a hitch. We have one shot at this, guys.)