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My wife and I cope with long to-do lists in opposite ways. I avoid anything that’s not critical and like to make steady progress slowly. I’m happy as long as there’s forward progress, and as long as something’s not getting worse (e.g. the house is a little less cluttered than last week), I’m satisfied with the positive direction.
The wife on the other hand gets anxious and starts buzzing around the house. And anything she wants done now that she herself can’t get to, she assigns to me. These feel like shit tests to me, and I frankly don’t know how to deal with them.
I can tell that this contribution gap is a major turn-off for her, and is even leading to some resentment. Cleaning dishes are expressly my responsibility, and if I leave them in the sink too long, she’ll jump in and do them herself, which we both hate for different reasons.
I’m trying to foster more initiative to beat her to the punch on some of these things. I want to take a more aggressive approach to my to-dos in general anyway, but man, it feels like I’m trying self-improvement on hard mode.
She will go ahead and order plane tickets for an upcoming vacation before I can think to. Well shit, she got the details sent to her email inbox. Hey honey, when’s the flight? Hey, what terminal? Can you print out my ticket for me? I know she would love for me to take care of all of this, but I get beat to it every time because she’s unwilling to wait. And to her it starts looking like I just won’t do these things for us.
Like I said, I’m trying to be more proactive. But damn.
Is there any way to change your domain of responsibility so that if you perform your responsibilities at your desired cadence it won't negatively affect your wife?
For example, if the dishes are on the counter and it's your job to do them but its her job to cook, then she might feel frustrated that the surfaces she'd use to chop, mix, prepare are not clean. If you swap jobs she can clean the dishes at a rate acceptable to her, and you would cook at a time acceptable to you. Or she can do both cooking and dishes because there's synergy (unload the dishwasher while something heats up, wipe stuff down as they are used and load the dishwasher, etc.)
In exchange, you can take over anything that is more routine, set on a schedule. You can set specific times for you to do mopping, sweeping, laundry, cleaning toilets, cleaning out the refrigerator, etc. If she knows that you always do X at a specific time, she might be able to wait for it instead of just deciding to do it herself.
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You'll never beat raw neuroticism. I have this problem with my wife all the time. I like to wait until after all the dishes get dirtied before I start washing them. Like say, after dinner. For a multitude of reasons. I have terrible skin, and getting my hands soapy and wet, then dry, then soapy and wet, then dry, over and over and over again through the day causes them to crack and bleed. I hate the context switching from whatever I'm doing to just wash one single fork and plate. I want to see all the dishes that are going to need to fix into the dishwasher so I can plan how I'll fit them all in there.
All of these reasons fall of deaf ears. Having anything in the sink makes my wife anxious, and somehow that's my problem. I'm being lazy if I don't do the dishes before she even sees them.
Do you not have gloves for washing up? If you have sensitive skin (as I do), some shopping might be necessary to find a pair that doesn't irritate your hands, but it's better than getting them wet.
I've tried to use gloves, but I always end up dropping everything constantly instead. I haven't found a size that fits right. They're either too big with extra dangly bits at the tips of each finger that cause me to fumble, or they are too small and I can't get them over the widest part of my hand.
But then there is the fact that putting on gloves to wash a single plate and fork adds one extra obnoxious step to what is already a tedious task not worth the context switch for me.
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I feel your pain. My wife is like that as well, and there's just no way to gracefully handle the situation when she jumps in to do one of my chores that I haven't gotten to yet. She has at least one squirrel ancestor, so when it's my time for passive aggression I go and check the pantry or the storage closet for supernumerary stocks.
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First step would be to sit down and discuss it, though discussing things is easier said than done. I know there are some things I want to discuss when my wife does not, and damn if she doesn't bring up complex shit when I just got home from a hard day, or am heading out the door, or whatever. You get my meaning. But communication and acknowledgement of flaws and admission of discomforts can do wonders toward venting the steam, if nothing else. But venting the steam is very, very important.
My wife is Japanese; she is also almost always late. I am not Japanese but I am almost always early. I mean if it starts at 10:30, I will often tell her it starts at 10 just to get there by 10:15. Then she is appalled at being tricked and how we have all this time, whereas my own pulse is calm that we are there reasonably early--and not alone, I might add. This is Japan. It is amazing that she has not been hounded out of Japanese society, but apparently it takes a lot for that to happen. I say this to give an example of certain ingrained traits in both of us that cannot comfortably be compromised--she simply cannot bring herself to be early for even the most serious obligations without discomfort, and for me, being late is a sensation about as comfortable as having an episode of fecal incontinence but continuing to stroll about in my sullied underpants. Thus, the situation must be hacked in some fashion such that the discomfort is mollified. Is this me conning my wife? I suppose that's one way to look at it--but if she doesn't know she is being conned, I see this as the lesser of two evils.
I don't know how long you've been married so I don't want to in any way condescend or sound wise. But let me get this out. In marriage sometimes there are things that need working out via words. I can give many examples but won't; I'll just give broadstrokes:
I am by Japanese standards what is informally termed an ikumenイクメン. This basically means "a guy who actively helps out with raising the kids." (Not to be confused with ikemenイケメン which means "cool, good-looking guy" though I have been called that too at various times in the past, less and less as I age.) So I do grocery shopping several days a week (I spend too much money.) I make dinner as many nights (I need to add more vegetables to the menu.) I often spontaneously vacuum (not as thoroughly as I should). I water plants (too often or not enough). I iron my own shirts, always. I clean and run the bath every night (the furo/お風呂 which we use even in summer, because reasons.) I spend as much time with the boys as possible, and in the past I have made school projects with them, etc. etc.
Even in the face of this I would be a fool to think I do even a fraction of housework that my wife does. Is she as neat as I would like? No. But she takes care of so many things for me and for the boys that the list is simply too long for me to make without getting bored--and this is just me listing the things, not doing them. My point is, never underestimate the scut-work done by women. But my broader point is this: She sometimes complains, even in small ways, about the quality of the work I do to keep things running.
This irks me, and when I notice this irking I will confront her about it, and not always with a soothing kind voice. This pisses her off, and I see a reaction in her face that I rarely see--a confused emotional state combining shock, hurt, defensiveness, and even humor. She gets over it. We have at it, then we calm down, and by the end we usually end up laughing, and it's better. Truly, it is. If I were not to hold my ground in this way, if I were to just avoid, avoid, then the following would occur:
She would win (this is the worst point). Also I would have an existence very much like a man-slave. I would lose respect for myself. She would lose respect for me. My sons would have a very poor role-model for how to be a father/husband. Life would become unbearable for all of us.
Do we have a perfect set-up? By no means. But you should talk, is what I'm saying. You may never resign yourselves to one another's intransigence (or you may work it out in ways I am not imagining). But you can talk it through, and that will help.
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I've had this issue with multiple housemates I've lived with, and eventually solved it by marrying a man who's just as messy as I am and buying a house. If we end up having to eventually replace the entire floor once the kids get older on account of stains or something, at least we're in it together. We'll both learn how to put down laminate or something. My father used to wait until we were out of dishes to wash them all at once for an hour twice a week or so. Apparently that worked alright for my parents, they're still together.
Apparently, Big 5 trait breaks up into industriousness and orderliness, and it's really hard on orderly people to relax in chaotic environments. Or so I've heard, I score something like third percentile in orderliness, unlike your wife.
I'm not certain what a good long term solution might be. Agree to do the dishes at a specific time each day, and set a timer? Always wash the dishes right after dinner? Own fewer dishes, so that you notice faster? Agree that one or the other of you is completely responsible for the vacation plans for a specific trip, and it's an infringement if the other swoops in and takes over just because they're feeling anxious?
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Sounds like you and your wife have different thresholds. Your wife has a lower threshold for mess and so gets irritated with even a few dirty dishes, which is well below what you'll put up with. Same for the plane tickets, her threshold for buying tickets "at the last minute" is earlier than yours, so she gets jumpy and can't rest until she's bought them.
In my experience these thresholds don't change. They seem intrinsic to a person's psychology. What you can do is acknowledge them and work with them. So if you job is to do the dishes, be aware that this means you have to do them to meet your wife's smaller threshold for "messy kitchen" so that you're both happy.
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I'd try being openly grateful for and appreciative of her proactive ways, and possibly rewarding her.
And be clear on what is whose responsibility. If the dishes are yours, but you're not doing them...then they aren't yours. Find something else to take responsibility for.
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Hi, I'm your wife.
Well, not really, but you sound just like my husband. I don't assign him tasks because he's not my child, but I hate that I have to do most things myself.
Why don't you just do stuff when it needs to be done? It's very easy to say "It doesn't need to be done now; I'll get to it later." My father-in-law does this all the time also. But then these things never actually get done. As with the example of the plane tickets, the sooner you buy them the better, so you should do it as soon as your travel plans are finalized.
It seems you understand this and the real question is how to make yourself do things, but the only answer to that is to just do them. I'm very curious why this is a stumbling block. Do you think of tasks and just have other things you'd rather do? How important are those other things? Do you just forget about tasks (in which case you need to be ok with your wife reminding you)?
It's usually that I don't see any upside in doing it right away, and potential upside from delaying it.
A more convenient opportunity to do the thing may arise - a lull in conversation, an unexpected phone call, etc. Or, another task might come up and both could be combined for greater efficiency.
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This implies that it doesn't need to be done! That's why I didn't do it yet! I think the underlying problem is different intuition regarding when something needs to be done between @stolen_brawnze and his wife.
Not uniformly true. As the designated plane ticket buyer in my house, I absolutely wind up with better deals by waiting, sometimes. As someone that's also inclined towards procrastination, this can cause some real problems as I decide whether the prices are good enough. This amps up even further with sports or concert tickets on resale markets - will they go up or down over time? I'm guessing and trying to get a good deal, not just buying things as fast as I possibly can. Different preferences in certainty and completion would cause real relationship strain here, I imagine.
Yeah, the ticket thing is a real "it depends" situation, but generally good to get on it sooner and have a plan (I would love to see a post from you on how to decide when to buy).
Deciding what actually needs to get done is another tricky one, going back to the age-old conflict of people with different standards of cleanliness. I don't think I'm too much of a clean freak, but I do think that visible dirt and stains on the floor should be cleaned up. I am apparently alone in my household in thinking this, so I have to clean them up. It's very easy for family members/roommates to coast on the back of the person who is most bothered by dirt and clutter.
I suppose you could make an argument that dirt and clutter are not objectively bad, and I'm not sure I'd have a really great counter-argument at hand, but it's hard for me personally to live with it.
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