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I struggle with social anxiety, especially in among strangers and in large groups. I believe that I am on the autism spectrum and I do things like avoid eye contact and I almost always have neutral body language when sober. When sober I try to avoid social interactions if they aren’t required. I spend most of my time alone doing solitary activities like bicycling, using a computer, or reading. I’m content with my life, but at the same time I feel like I should get better at social interactions to improve my quality of life.
I’m in my mid-30’s and when I was younger I tried many of the standard recommendations for improving social skills such as: going to meetups, trying new hobbies, and making extra effort to be agreeable/nice. I failed at making any new close friends and I just grew more frustrated at socializing. I figured socializing is just something I’ll never be good at.
I did figure out one way to make myself better at socializing (and to enjoy it), but unfortunately it is somewhat dangerous, involves being intoxicated, and can only be done one day a week. If I take Phenibut (anti-anxiety drug, GABA-B receptor agonist) in the morning and then drink to around .05-.08 BAC at night I get in a mood where I just want to go out and socialize. I become extremely confident and my body language is improved. I also feel like I can sense people’s vibes and read social cues much better (like this person is really enjoying my company, or this person is annoyed because they are too sober). If any social interaction goes poorly (which happens <10% of the time) it doesn’t bother me at all – there are plenty of other people to talk to anyway. If someone doesn’t like me I just find it funny or externalize the reason (such as they are just jealous that I’m in such a euphoric mood). Intoxicated me is all about spreading good vibes and I often do ‘clownish’ things to get a laugh that I’d be way to embarrassed to do sober.
I’ve been trying to use the intoxicated state as ‘exposure therapy’ to eliminate social anxiety permanently from my sober state. The theory is that if I show my brain that socializing is fun and rewarding while intoxicated then my brain will update in that direction and socializing will be more fun and less frustrating when sober.
The problem I’m running into is that I think I’ve internalized the wrong lessons from ‘exposure therapy’:
I care way less about what other people think of me. If a social interaction doesn’t go well I learned I can just avoid it and interact with other people. I feel way less pressure to conform to allistic norms.
Instead of trying to socialize sober I can just wait until Saturday to do fun intoxicated socializing.
What I was trying to do was:
Increase confidence in social situations
Have my sober state internalize that sober socializing is fun and rewarding
Internalize that the sober state needed to change body language and communication technique to be more fun/open.
The sober state has proof that ‘clownish’/fun behavior gets good reactions, but I still can’t bring myself to be less serious when sober. My sober state objection is now, “if that is the behavior people enjoy there is no point trying to connect with them because I’m a serious person who doesn’t resort to ‘clownish’ behavior to get attention”.
To use an analogy: I don’t like watching sports. I could memorize the popular discussion points about a sport to get people to like me. But then I’d just be spending my time doing things I don’t like (watching sports) so that that people like me.
The sober state still gets overwhelmed in many social situations because I think too much about things like:
I’m not good at body language and I can’t think fast enough to get it right
Is there some social cue that I missed
Is there some hidden social signaling component in this conversation
How do I make sure that what I’m saying won’t be taken in the wrong way
Making sure not to repeat a mistake I made in a previous social interaction
How do I get my sober state to internalize the desired lessons (relax/have fun, people like you when you’re not so serious, be more open with body language) from the intoxicated state?
I,too, am often serious, and for whatever reason appear to have a permanent scowl across my eyebrows where I apparently look angry all the time. This is not me being selfconscious; i've literally been told this more than once by people as varied as literal strangers all the way to my wife, recently, after more than a decade of marriage. And like you, I benefit from a buzz. I lighten up. I am probably more fun to be around, at least until I'm not.
But I am not always serious. I have moods where I am relaxed, and without any booze. Are you of one consistent mood all the time without your concoction?
Regarding your metaphor, I once knew a guy who forced himself to become literate in SEC football just to be able to converse casually with other males--it's almost like a secret handshake among men in certain areas of the South. And he did this with some success, to the point that eventually he married a woman who was an extreme football fan, and when my friend died his after-funeral wake was festooned with the colors and logos of the local college team. Be careful what tools you use to become social, I guess. Or maybe there's no lesson there. I myself never learned to bullshit about football, but I admittedly escaped 10,000 miles to another country.
Yes, I'd describe it as a stoic mood. If it is nice outside I'll think the weather is pleasant, but it doesn't cause me to smile. I don't get mad at people when they do dumb things, I just think that it is interesting or useful information about the world.
Even when I'm in social situations I usually just think about how I can quickly and politely end the conversation so I can go do something else. If I were to be in a social situation with a large group that I couldn't leave then my mood would be much more anxious. That is one of the only times my mood changes much when sober.
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Back in my teenage years I did use alcohol as a crutch for social skills and it worked pretty well. Of course you don't learn as much as you would if you just did the difficult thing and interacted with lots and lots of people while sober and in that sense you can become dependent on it.
I'd say if your goal is to relax and have fun you need to be around friends who know you well and accept your quirks (even if they might criticise them in good faith). There have been periods of my life where I abstained from alcohol for a few months and still went to bars with friends and it was still very fun despite me not being drunk.
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In my experience you don’t. There’s a reason people enjoy being drunk and that is because it does the exact things you are describing. But once you remove the chemical from the brain, there’s no way to replicate that experience.
I’ve learned to sort of accept my stiffness and work on being ok with that. It’s not ideal, but using substances to try and create real relationships does not work.
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