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Notes -
Situation I’m really nervous about for some reason that I could use some advice on:
Was asked out on a beach date tomorrow night. I’ve been on several bar dates before and I think I have those down to a science but this is my first ever beach date, and that somehow feels like a very different vibe. I suggested we have mimosas and watch the sunset by which I meant order some at the bar before walking around on the sand but then she mentioned she has nice mimosa cups so I guess she means we make our own? I told her I’d bring champagne. Anything else I should have? Beach towel, swimming trunks, sandals, seem obvious. What sort of cooler should I get for the champagne/orange juice? Probably overthinking this but she’s sort of intimidating to me
So? How'd it go?
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The dating app convo was:
Her: (tells story about kissing a puffer fish)
Me: If you kiss a frog you get Prince Charming, turns out I'm what you get if you kiss a pufferfish ;)
Her: Oooh so does that make you the frog or the prince? Or do I just have to wait and find out?
(this makes no sense. I'm clearly the pufferfish who turned into a human. @George_E_Hale this might be where the bad communication starts)
Me: You can find out over a drink this weekend
Me: Promise I won't leave your lips sore ;)
Her: Haha I'll hold you to that
Her: A bit tied up this weekend, how about sometime during the week?
Me: That can work, can you bring your guitar?
(we exchange numbers, plan logistics)
@JhanicManifold might appreciate/have some insights about this
At least your comment was witty. That you didn't go out of your way to explain the joke once it was clear she wasn't getting it puts you ahead of most of us in the charm and poise aspect of texting, or "text game" as I have heard it called.
Anakin had it right regarding sand. I only push this point as many years ago on a beach somewhere near Durban, SA, I made the mistake of trying to initiate foreplay with a red-haired girl. Well, woman. Our writhing on the towel soon became an experience not quickly forgotten, and not in a good way. The obvious metaphor of sandpapering one's skin comes to mind, though without the paper. All was not lost, as she was young, and I was younger, and we retreated to our rondavel, or at least near it, and used the shower thing to rinse off. I won't bore you with the rest.
A guitar on the beach. If you drink your drinks out of white Falstaff beer cups and run out into the surf of dusk in a drunken stupor, then Steven Spielberg has taught you nothing. Especially if there is a buoy out there clanging in the calm water. Just don't do it, is what I'm saying. The swimming I mean. Everything else, good luck with it.
Yeah I agree correcting them just kills the vibe mostly.
But also she cancelled:
8:43 AM Me: Hey are we still on for tonight?
11:40 AM Her: Hey, I think I’m gonna have to rain check🤦🏽♀️ sorry
11:40 AM Her: In denial ab how much shit I have to do this week lol
I think 95% of the time this means they are simply not interested but our conversation and her company/job title makes me think she is actually busy. (Although Some chance I’m thinking with my dick here because she is exactly my type).
Should I text back at like 9PM to reschedule and then add something cheeky like “you owe me the entire Stairway to Heaven solo now btw”?
This would put my back up, as a woman. If she cancelled because she doesn't want to go out with you, then nothing you say matters. If she was genuinely busy and does want to go again, the word "owe" is going to strike a sour note.
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Pretty typical. The default rate on a chick's "rain check" is much closer to 100% than it is 0%.
Young women will commonly flake and ghost. If you even slightly call them out for their lack of reliability, they'll only turn the tables on you and accuse you of being some combination of possessive and judgmental, if they respond at all. Hence why it's so important to have other prospects in the depth chart and to diversify your portfolio.
Women, especially young women, import little to "their word."
When I have a plans with a chick, I remind myself that I don't have a date until she sets foot in my place.
Maybe for that date itself but if I suggest rescheduling the vast majority of the time they do show up, is this not your experience or do you just never try to reschedule?
I often do try to keep in contact and occasionally it works, but more commonly if they flake the first time they’ll flake again, if not just ghost you.
For example, I can think of one girl that I converted upon in the past few months on the first date, where she had flaked upon our plans multiple times for 5-6 years. But much more often I’ve been flaked upon and the trail just ends there. Generally, the best solution to a flake is to just move-on.
It’s like negative signaling… from the female perspective: Ugh, what kind of loser man would keep contacting you when you’ve already flaked on his pathetic ass?
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I am of the mind that friendly reminders such as "Hey are we still on?" are more attempts at dopamine boosts for the inquirer, but almost always have the opposite effect, allowing easy exits for the inquirees. In other words, on originally setting up time and place, be as precise as possible, and only message them either slightly before that ("almost there") or slightly after ("Is that you in the Homburg?") but never, ever before.
I offer this next advice without imagining you'll take it： Cut your losses, soldier. Be eminently polite and tell her something brief but witty about all work and no play, etc. or say you hope she catches up, you know how it is, etc.
Then never initiate contact again.
Which is not to say you cannot respond if she texts you, of course, I mean we are not savages.
My reasoning is that she is, by cancelling, making her bed, as it were. Now she should lie in it. Any further pursuit by you smacks of your providing her with unearned attention.
Whatever you do, don't be rude or reveal even vaguely that you might be inconvenienced or hurt.
Just my thoughts. At least you have some champagne, which is nice.
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Advice seems highly contextual based on the type of person you and she are, so it seems like a bit of a fool's game to try and give you specific tips. I personally wouldn't worry about 'things' like the cooler, etc - I think you're already ahead of the game if you're at that level of detail. It's probably going to be more about the conversation and who you are - be self-confident without being domineering, try and ask questions until she's talking about something she's passionate about and be interested in it, don't come on too strongly. The classical FORD (Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams) don't RAPE (Religion, Abortion, Politics, Economics) worked well for me once upon a time.
Just relax and enjoy yourself, you got this :)
Any filler questions that have worked well for you in a conversation lull? Some I’ve used to good effect are:
-what’s your most controversial opinion?
-what’s your worst non-traumatic date experience?
I always liked:
What do you like to do for fun/what to do get up to in your free time? Everyone is excited about something, it's just about finding out what it is. One person got awkward and said something canned about netflix, but when I started talking about houses her face lit up and she went on at length about the real estate market. IMO it's less about filler questions and more about fishing for that thing they're passionate about and then showing interest.
What books are you reading/have you read lately?
Sometimes I'd try to have random pop culture stuff to bring up if it's good for a laugh...like when Tiger King was a big thing, if you could to it organically could be good for a laugh and bonding moment. Crazy thing local sports team did, funny local city thing (where were you when the local train caught fire?), etc.
I don't like this question since I spend my free time doing low-status things :)
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I’ve tried the “make up stories about strangers” game but did not consider this more risque version, great suggestion
Wow you are much braver than me, I’ve never said anything like this unless a girl specifically alluded to us having sex. But kissing was heavily implied on the dating app convo.
You consider that anoydyne? I would certainly never try that unless the "date" is just a booty call. Think you've gotta be pretty masculine for that to work.
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Bring enough garbage bags and make sure to scout out a proper restroom. There are somehow never enough garbage bags, and no one wants to go toa disgusting portapotty.
bring sunscreen even if she doesn't.
Fortunately, there will literally be a lake, sea, or ocean in front of them.
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Wait what does a portapotty have to do with garbage bags?
Sunscreen is prob overkill since the UV index will be 0.
The advice you are getting here is largely bizarre to me, including the spanking question and the garbage bag (bags? Is the suggestion that you do a beach cleanup?)
Anyway I don't know what a Mimosa cup is (unless it's just a Solo cup into which one pours the OJ and booze) but your bar idea sounded way better. What champagne are you supposed to bring? Nothing high end I imagine? And will you have a carton of Tropicana? Ice?
So. My one suggestion is try to clean up communication. There is of course much to be said for vagueness, especially in matters of the heart, but I get the sense you and she may be crossing signals slightly. She seems to be driving--nothing wrong with that of course--but I would suggest if you arrive and there are practical issues, eg the Champale isn't cold, no one has a blanket/towel, etc., that you have a backup plan and/or the humor is allowed to take over (rather than awkwardness)
Finally, and perhaps needlessly, beach sand is gritty and in no way lends itself to amorous behavior, despite film and other media. The beach is, however, a very romantic place.
The beach is practically in her backyard. 15 min drive for me but in a perfectly straight line.
Mandatory link: https://youtube.com/watch?v=2tLf1JO5bvE
Optional link: https://youtube.com/watch?v=6pUPPnoFKh4
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