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naraburns  nihil supernum  2yr ago (text post)   4482 thread views

Small-Scale Question Sunday for October 30, 2022

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Does anyone have any non incel/pua advice/resources at getting better at flirting (or otherwise improving one’s “game”). I recently moved to a new city where I have been trying to meet someone on Hinge, and while I feel like I get a reasonable number of matches I just think I must be really bad at the whole “texting long enough to get her to actually go on a date” phase of these conversations.

I’m also not sure what to reasonably expect in terms of reply rates. In the last month I get about 3 matches a week with people I would like to go on dates with. Of these two people agreed to meet up (although one ultimately stood me up, I’ve never actually had that happen before although I’m guessing that just happens a lot with online dating).

Other people have good advice already. More than a date per week is pretty good already. You should generally try to move any conversation out of the app as soon as possible. Depending on your demographic, preferably somewhere like instagram. In my experience if you have an active account with good photos, it serves as social proof and makes women much more relaxed about seeing you in real life.

Also it never hurts to get better photos. Online dating is a shallow impulse driven thing until you meet irl and you shouldn’t ignore this side of it.

That’s a good point, I have managed to avoid instagram thus far but I may just need to bite the bullet and do it!

Your problem might be texting too long.

If you are trying to meet people in person then that should be the second or third text. Ask for her favorite activities or favorite places to eat. Then pick one of those that sound fun and ask to go there with her. If she isn't interested in going to a favorite place to eat, or doing a favorite activity with you, then nothing was ever gonna work out (she got some bad vibe from you and just didn't tell you right away cuz that takes a certain level of brutal honesty).

In general though I would suggest looking for male friends rather than female dates. Being in a new city is lonely and having some buddies might be better for your mental health than finding a date. Its also easier to find male friends. Just sign up for some physical activities or sports teams. Or find something nerdy if that is more your speed.

If you find male friends that are single you can go out seeking females together, and you will both be more appealing by having some social status with another guy. If you find male friends that are in a relationship, then their girlfriend or spouse might have single friends that she will connect you to.

That’s a good point, I’m still getting used to being out of college and needing to work much more to meet people.

Generally I've found the best advice is to become a more interesting, happy and well rounded person while picking up hobbies that women enjoy. (Running, dancing, cooking, art, etc)

Visakanv is a rat adjacent writer who has good advice. This book is good, short but worth the $10 IMO. https://visakanv.com/

I'd also recommend Models by Mark Manson. Both of them give good advice without being super toxic toward women. I used to be heavy into pua myself but got out of it and ironically did much better with dating after I dropped the mindset. Feel free to PM if you want to pick my brain.

Is this guys brother named Mastercard?

Nah I think it's American Express.

I actually refuse to believe there is even such a thing as "text game".

Some of the most charismatic and energetic people I know appear dead on text. Obviously things such as quick wit, confident body language, and the million other below the surface signals that need to be sent to flirt effectively, can't be sent through text.

The mechanism through which OLD works is numbers. You match with a LARGE number of people. You text a large number of people. You luck out by having maybe around 1/20 of the people you match with agree to meet up in person at all. Unless you are within the top percentiles of looks, it's a grind.

I really don't think anyone is texting any combination of magic words that gets them a higher match->date conversion.

From my experience with OLD, it's just soul draining.

For every 100 matches (1-2% swipe-> match rate, so you can imagine the # swipes), 10 used to even reply to texts. Of that 10 maybe 0.5 used to agree to meeting up. Most of the texts used to die out within a few texts. Girls are looking for all kinds of "vibes", use the wrong emoji, you are fucked, that's just how things are.

OLD is really not worth the time if you are not in the 99.9 percentile of looks. It's a winner takes all market of the likes never seen before.

Disagree on magic words. The magic words are “Anyway, you seem chill. Want to grab a coffee?” or something very similar, within the first three or four texts. No point beating around the bush until a text conversation dies, and I think a lot of people are looking for the few magical connections via text rather than treating it as the minimal filter it should be. Just provide a safe, low-commitment date option and most people who responded to your first couple of messages will shrug and go with it.

I think this might be location,partner demographic and self demographic dependent.

Where I am, with the girls I got, many of them said things along the lines of "I like to get to know a guy a bit before I actually go out and meet them". Some even showed hostility towards the idea of having the first real interaction in real life (many proposed a long video call). Idk man my age demographic (23-25 year olds) are really weird and want to do everything online !

Fair enough! I’ve been out of the dating market since pre-COVID, and it’s possible/likely a lot has changed since then.

Aren't you gay?

Because the dating market as a heterosexual male is very very very different. So unless you looked around in that market as well, your insight might not transfer.

I am, but when I was on the dating market I was still trying to figure out whether I should try to make it work with women, so I was dating both men and women pretty actively.

What if most charismatic and energetic people are dead on text, and other charismatic and energetic people know this as "normal way to text." What you call "not dead on text" is basically mental illness and coming across as way too strong?

But your more general point, that OLD success is based on looks and not texting styles, is a different point. If attractive people can get away with texting however they like, that would support your theory that there is no thing as text game.

Well if you’re a girl, wouldn’t you want to talk to someone interesting, fun, funny, the slightest mysterious, and emotionally strong/mature etc? And you wouldn’t want to convey that you’re boring, not fun, have no humor, and are all around someone that a girl wouldn’t want to be around because he doesn’t make her life more enjoyable. Of course this would only work if you’re following the important advice of “be attractive”.

So to procure a date, perhaps think in terms of expressing the most interesting, fun, and good-humored side of you.

If you're getting around 1 in person date a week you're doing fine, a lot of women on the dating apps are only window shopping and you shouldn't take it personally. Generally speaking more messages before meeting up is not a great use of your time. Hook them quickly, set up a meeting and then don't necessarily ignore them until then but don't force more conversations. Or just whatever is working for you. Don't get invested until you at least see them in person.

Kind of sounds like your experience is consistent with not being bad at the "texting long enough to get her to actually go on a date" phase, it's just that dating apps suck and have terrible reply rates. And nearly everyone reports that dating apps suck and have terrible reply rates.

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