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Notes -
A few weeks ago, there was a thread asking "what are some things you were wrong about?" or "what are some things you changed your mind on?" To keep myself honest, I want to add a belated example.
Two years ago, I posted this:
In August, I buried my grandfather who was in his nineties. While I stand by my assertion that the funerals of the very young are far more distressing than the funerals of the very old (and I speak from experience, having attended a funeral of a baby who died at a few weeks), it was wrong of me to say that the atmosphere at the funerals of very old people isn't "significantly different from a golden anniversary". All of my grandfather's children were very upset, several of his daughters outright sobbing. I was never particularly close with my grandfather, but even I was more upset than I expected to be.
We buried my 98 yo grandfather last year and while people were sad, and some cried, it was also a beautiful ceremony and to some extent a celebration/memorialisation of a life well lived. Sure, it's nothing like a golden anniversary but to me it felt meaningful, not tragic.
This is why I'm a fan of splitting the ceremony into two pieces: the funeral where everyone gets to be sad, followed by the wake where everyone gets to get shitfaced and celebrate the person's memory in a big party. It's important to build time/space to do both.
That's exactly how we do funerals where I'm from. You have the funeral Mass where we all are sad and say goodbye to our loved one, then afterwards you go to the church fellowship hall and the church ladies have cooked lunch for everyone. Then you enjoy each other's company and celebrate the life of the person you said goodbye to.
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This seems counterintuitive. When an 8 year old dies, the grief is extraordinarily concentrated. Nothing compares to the loss of a child, but beyond the parents, living (and cognitively sound) grandparents, and to some extent close siblings of the parents, grieving is often limited. Even child siblings of the deceased (say a 4 year old sister and 6 year old brother) often don’t grieve in the same way as adults.
When an 85 year old dies, their funeral is often, perhaps even mostly, attended by people who’ve known them their entire lives, from people they grew up with whose attention now turns to their own final years and the memories of youth to children who have known them for 50+ years. Someone who was always there is now no longer there.
A child’s funeral (excepting the close relations above) is deeply sad because of the great tragedy of a life not lived. But that’s a tragedy in a general sense. The funeral of someone old is deeply sad on a much more personal, immediate level.
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My grandfather died earlier this year. Almost made it to 90. Even his children and children-in-law who spent the months running up to his death in constant complaints about his demands and interferences were at first glad to be freed from a burden, much quieted down by funeral time and then ended up very contemplative in the following months. Still are, compared to before.
When someone played a role in your life for as long as you can remember, they do not go without taking pieces out of you.
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