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non_radical_centrist  6mo ago (farhakhalidi.substack.com)   7089 thread views

confessions of a femcel: why i'm a 24 year old female virgin.

farhakhalidi.substack.com

It's an essay about the various flaws modern feminist sex positivity culture has for women, and that it's often a good idea to refrain from sex even if one isn't religious. The author is an Only Fans model for context. I thought it did a great job laying out the downsides of ubiquitous sex.(Reposted because I accidentally linked to reddit instead of the original essay earlier).

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no real experience beyond consuming KDramas.

Someones experienced the east asian dating sphere and knows the horror for himself. Virginal asian girls really live a cloistered life totally unknown to their foreign counterparts, even indian, and the girls who are put off by obnoxious yellow fevered men are unlikely to waste time dating asians either. For great fun see if these girls read webnovels, those things are hilariously smutty and gay.

I moved in with my partner and her younger sister (mid-late twenties East-Asian consultant) 6 months ago, and have had kinda first hand view of her sister's involvement in dating as a 100-hour week consultant who occasionally has an awkward first date... and yeah it's a whole subculture/form of existence I had no idea about until now.

You have no idea. Good east asian girls are a totally unknown quantity to westerners because these girls generally didn't date at all and find even nebbish whites too aggressively forward. These girls also have their preference profiles shaped by the most asinine Kdrama shit, and their expectations for male behavior are simultaneously low and ridiculously high. While more leeway is given to whites in terms of cultural compliance, less leeway is given for emotional unintelligence. This is a huge warning sign because these girls have no experience in managing their own emotional states under duress and present a totally unknown variable even to themselves.

These girls also have their preference profiles shaped by the most asinine Kdrama shit, and their expectations for male behavior are simultaneously low and ridiculously high.

As someone with zero familiarity with K-dramas, I'm interested to know what this means.

What @Forgotpassword says.

High expectation: ridiculous grand gestures of romance as the end point of a horrifyingly long dating process, conspicuous consumerism as a shit test for love, gotta match the girls skincare routine, 7 heads tall

Low expectations: fidelity is practically a sideshow, alcoholism is not a problem, men are presumed to be incompetent caregivers and are not expected to step up to childraising, emotional incompetence is assumed. These lows are actually pretty terrible for relationships but the presumed low emotional competence of asian men thanks to Kdramas is a fucking paradise of calm the men enjoy. Young women openly ventilating emotional meltdowns and expecting understanding/validation is nightmare I hope to never endure again.

fidelity is practically a sideshow

Perhaps true for the older generation of East Asian women, but I would expect the younger ones obsessed with romantic Kdramas about true love surely expect fidelity/monogamy?

Ok so the the point of fidelity is less that 'he will cheat' and more that 'marriage is no guarantee he is off limits', whether as an initiator or as a recipient. Fidelity being an afterthought was a statement meant to communicate required vigilance on the part of the woman, compared to observed western practices where women take husbands for granted and presume they will never stray. Asian women are hardly 'accepting' of cheating insomuch as wary of it, and that wariness permeates. Not the most extant expectation by far, but women raised on kdramas do seem especially sensitive to female friends of their husbands. One guy I know has to surrender his phone to his wife every night for message review, even though he's the nicest dweeb ever who had to be cajoled into going to the beach with the woman on a church outing.

I once saw an interview with a bunch of (young) Japanese women where said women expressed they wouldn't mind if a partner went to a brothel but they'd get very upset if the partner went to a Hostess Club.

Who knows.

My defacto Mother in Law & Grandmother in law practically fainted from shock when I proactively changed diapers and bottle fed the newborn. Not that they disproved, but the bar for childrearing involvement seems to be Marianas trench levels in East Asian cultures.

Super slowburn romances, lots of grand gestures of romance, incredibly pretty boys without particular masculine push.

I've got a baby and a longterm relationship with one and live with another. Both born in Asia and came across for University. I think you're tarring a bit too broadly, my partner's a lot more adventurous than her sister both romantically and career-wise, but having watched a few KDrama I do agree that it's a deranged way of forming romantic expectations. I do think this has been compounded by the online dating meta, since I've observed a ton of 'an interaction went slightly subpar, GOODBYE FOREVER' from talking to female friends.

Also having been 4-5 dates in with a few other East Asian girls where the pace of engagement was glacial during my time on the apps. Which made up the majority of my 'this 26 year old girl has essentially zero idea how to play the game' experiences.

I don't have much experience dating East Asians, but one did ask me to be her boyfriend on the third date before we'd even kissed. I thought that was odd.

That’s pretty normal for socially conservative cultures.

I thought they'd wait longer than most people to ask that.

Social conservatism is pretty correlated with short courtships, globally. From that perspective going steady while not officially a couple is wasting time at best and treating her like a floozy at worst.

The American violet tribers who date for years on end are very exceptional, and both scandalize and confuse their European counterparts.

Being in a relationship for years on end without marrying is very much a European thing lol. I agree the Sex and the City thing of casually dating (possibly hooking up with) several people at once and then having “the talk” about exclusivity with one and letting the others down is a weird (imo slightly sociopathic) American thing. Honestly, though, I think its popularity is pretty overblown; statistics on lifetime partner count suggest the number of people fucking three or four dating prospects simultaneously must be a pretty low proportion of the population, and they certainly are in my experience, even in NYC.

I live in East Asia and I am strangely amenable to women despite glaring deficiencies likely common to many esteemed members of this board. These women regularly lament with me the trials of their female friends, and upon reviewing their behavior at inane group functions my partner and I both agree that this derangement is both unique to east asia and far more prevalent than westerners think. You see girls on bad dates, I see girls who have never dated ever. Dateless men bitch visibly, dateless (but not crazy) women disappear into some horrorsbow kdrama abyss

Can you elaborate on this behaviour?

Not much to elaborate. Clueless, nervous, uncommunicative. Unable to initiate conversation,monosyllabic in response, zero cross gender social skills. They never give any indication to any man that they are interested (if they are capable of having any form of interest generated in the first place), cannot parse flirtation or conversation, collapse into shrinking incoherence when the penny drops. These girls would in kinder days be matchmade by the church or their parents, and the normal pattern for them is to be pushed into dating whichever clueless male cell group member is in their church by their friends. Without a church, these women disappear into kdramas and trashy webnovels.

That or the adjacent 'acts like a brat in a romance novel constantly and has no idea that there's supposed to be elements of push & pull instead of 120% push and sobbing about how a guy she actually liked no longer wants to talk to her'

If someone finds them a match and pushes things forward, do you have any sense of whether they do alright at marriage?

As long as the man is bullyable, yea the women do ok. Good church boys normally don't cause problems, and for sinics if the families/church are broking the marriage there is normally sufficient social pressure to keep boundaries adhered to. Sufficient escape valves for acceptable degeneracy (kdramas and trashy webnovels for women, dota2 and porn and drinking for men) exist to prevent overloading of resentment. The western relationship model of emotional fulfilment combined with unlimited deep diving into unconstrained (meaning not bound by externally referrable social norms) soul searching means an eternal quest for 'IS THIS WHAT I REALLY WANT' pervades western thought, much to the detriment of all parties. I will also posit that the western focus on sex and sexual fulfilment as a specific objective of relationships has also done severe damage to womens psyche, and this is the main difference between western soap operas and kdramas: the focus on sex is aesthetic instead of functional for Asians media. Sex being an assessable criteria unto itself is probably one huge reason for female unfulfilment, with the presumption that 'enjoying sex via steamy orgasm with your partner' is of paramount importance: if you want an orgasm just get a dildo. Sex with assholes is just inefficient masturbation.

Regarding whether these 'arranged' marriages work out, the constraining variable is always whether the man is inclined to cheat or beat up the woman if she strays from his own expectations, however ill articulated he communicates expectations may be to the woman or even from the man to himself. If the man has surplus resources cheating becomes accounted as inventory shrink, only reaching intolerable levels when ones own progeny are negatively impacted. This is not to say that cheating is an inevitability, only that it is the most visible form of discord in these 'arranged' marriages. Most sinic cultures have legal recourse for wife beating, so only the Indians get away with it in these parts of Southeast Asia. Malayan women tend to hit back as hard as the men, and theu have even lower expectations for ANYTHING of their men: if he's not in jail its good enough.

You really must write a longer higher level effort post about this. East Asian dating norms failure is something many people including me would be very interested. Not the least because I also dated an Asian girl for a while a long time ago and still can’t comprehend what the fuck she was trying to do.

I think @2rafa and @Gaashk would abuse mod powers to find me and slap me silly if I ever did that. I hold little Asian solidarity but they may hold gender solidarity even within this rare community.

pls no bully i scared

Not much to elaborate. Clueless, nervous, uncommunicative. Unable to initiate conversation,monosyllabic in response, zero cross gender social skills.

Now I'm getting flashbacks to a Korean classmate in high school, a lonnng time ago.

A mutual female friend (Taiwanese, but raised locally) asked me senior year whether I would be up for taking said classmate to the prom.

I said "Thank you, but I wasn't planning on going." I can only imagine what the ensuing vast, hours-long conversational chasm would have been like. I couldn't even say for certain whether the two of us actually ever talked to each other in school.

Did you realize only years later that this girl liked you? I guess asking you to prom is less obtuse than the norm, but I've had 'have you watched (scifi movie I liked) yet? i wanted to watch with (asian girl) but I watched it with my boyfriend already' said in conversation and the like 6 years later I realize I was supposed to ask (asian girl) out. Bitch, what the fuck.

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I don't think it's totally unique to East Asia. Dated some white women who essentially exhibited the same behaviors (admittedly way less as a proportion), but there's a particular subgenre that is cultivated by East Asian cultures.

I'd consider the sort of 'bad dates' they go on essentially not going on any dates ever. They'll occasionally sally to make an app profile, book a single 30 minute coffee with somebody who passes a 3 week DM interview and then strike them from the record for whatever random reason onto the next.

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