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gog  1yr ago (text post)   1883 thread views

Advice for disagreeable people

I am disagreeable IRL. Like, everyone I get to know well eventually starts avoiding me. I can find lots of advice for how to deal with other disagreeable people, but not much for people who are themselves disagreeable. Surely some of you lot are the same. Have any of you overcome this? If so, how?

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I'd tell you but you'd just disagree with me.

At any rate, personality is usually not amenable to such modification in the long run, but if you're really desperate try psychedelics I guess.

I agree that personality is not super modifiable, but we then have to ask whether particular behavioral or thought patterns are actually central to one's personality.

I think you can absolutely train yourself into and out of certain patterns, based on feedback mechanisms. People can certainly practice their way into better interpersonal skills.

For example, there are people who like to talk a lot, and are on some level wired to be loquacious and never going to become a tacitern hermit. But these people may progressively talk more and more, somewhat out of fear of getting interrputed or losing another chance at the attention of their interloqutor. Thus people are more drained by their talking, and interrupt or ignore them more often, and the cycle deepens.

I've literally observed people acknowledge and break that cycle through practice. Understanding that turn taking and swallowing urges to jump in can actually produce more pleasant interactions, folks can adjust their interaction behaviors and settle into new patterns.

Of course, on a meta-level, it requires a pre-existing disposition for that kind of reflection and desire for improvement. You can't probably get someone to reflect their way into being a more reflective person. And drugs may well be a hack for that.

personality is usually not amenable to such modification in the long run

Strong disagree on this. I'd say its hard for other people to change your personality. But you can change your own personality if you work at it long enough and want the change enough.

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