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My wife and I really enjoyed this post, after the wives club post I've finally explained this "online forum" I talk about sometimes. Anyways, it hit close to home.
I have always remained cognizant of how necessary it is to have breaks from watching a child all day and not getting to a point of frustration or annoyance with the task. I try to make sure I give my wife as much breaks as I can and try not to be selfish. Saying that I wish I could afford a nanny or something on a part-time basis.
Something that many of us with a working class background lean on is the support of family when it comes to balancing work, life, and childcare. We tried for awhile to have my MIL watch our son during the day. This worked for awhile until unfortunately she had a heart attack. My MIL is doing better now however caring for a now 18 month old during the day is off the table. My mother unfortunately has schizophrenia so it was always off the table to lean on her for childcare.
My BIL and his wife just had their second child. He is in the space force of all places and lives halfway across the country without any close family support and it sounds like a nightmare. His wife stays at home and their oldest child is autistic as we are learning. I'm happy to raise a family close to home because I cannot imagine not having any support, even for a few hours, especially with an autistic child.
A related thought I've often pondered since the WFH revolution is the broader effects it will have in child rearing. At first I largely thought that it would be a huge positive to young families at a time when its most needed. WFH allows a family to spend more time with their kids and potentially balance work and childcare, the best of both worlds. My wife and I tried to do this at first juggling work commitments and coordinating shifts, but eventually it became unsustainable and my wife decided to quit to care for our son, freeing me from time constraints and leaving me our families champion career wise. So maybe WFH is not the silver bullet I thought it would be to raising a family and both parents maintaining a career.
With respect to WFH I can only offer an anecdote. Young married couple in an apartment with two small children. The man is working from 'home', but everyday he needs to go to his mother's place to work from home, because the presence of the children make that impossible at their own home. Again, it's just an anecdote, but I'm sure there are many, many similar cases.
Yeah that's my experience as well. We have a larger home but the noises are distracting if I have to focus. I manage but maybe not that well.
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WFH is indeed not the silver bullet, although it does help. What's more interesting to me about WFH is what it allows for in terms of new possibilities.
The only real way to make raising a family make sense economically, without massive economic surplus or redistribution, is to live very closely beside people you trust enough to take care of your kids, and vice versa. Due to the fracturing of cities and dense communities into suburbs, as well as the hypermobile youth culture in the U.S., many young parents lost this close and tight knit group of fellows.
However with WFH becoming more standardized, it is far more feasible than any time in the past to have groups of like minded adults move into a neighborhood together, and build some of these communities. It will be difficult perhaps to convince like minded adults without some sort of coordinating framework like religion, but it is certainly possible. If birth rates continue to crater I suspect this type of situation will be the only way that non-religious cultures will survive the next century or so.
I agree with all your points. I traveled for work a lot before I settled down so I got that out of my system early fortunately. I thankfully had the foresight to know how much I would have to rely on my parents or my wives parents for childcare help and I moved equidistant between the two families. However as you have highlighted its important to be very close. Both of our families live about an hour away and while its manageable for them to come over (or vice-versa) every now and then, it becomes burdensome for any sustained period. It's only about an hour so maybe I am just being picky but I feel like that's right on the border of convenience for distance.
+1 on the young family commune though. We live mostly by retired boomers and the only young couple around so it would be nice to have others close by. My wife has been reaching out actually to other moms she buys used toys and clothes from on facebook marketplace for play dates so I am hopeful we can have other young family friends soon. We're also joining the catholic church so we're trying.
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Look into a Mother's Helper - someone in middle school who is interested in small children but not old enough to babysit on their own. They can play with younger kids while your wife cleans up or sits. It can be a pretty affordable arrangement.
On the converse of the WFH thoughts - I have found WFH + Au Pair to be a very good combination. I'm able to nurse a baby while taking a meeting on my phone while the Au Pair plays with the older bunch. When things are quiet I can practice Hooked on Phonics with the kids. I'm there to handle disturbances, illnesses, etc. I have a good idea of how the kids are doing any given day, unlike at preschool which was like a black box to me. But if I need a day of focus I can get it.
That's not a bad idea I'll recommend it to my wife.
I am unfamiliar with the Au Pair business relationship however I imagine I cannot easily afford it, or would want to stretch my budget like that. Nonetheless it would be a non-starter in our home to have another female staying in the house. We tried that combination with my MIL and it was the only way I could see WFH + quality child-rearing working out and I wish we could have that again, but alas we have depleted our free childcare resources. I'm about to get a new job with a 25% travel req and a modest raise so maybe I can afford some sort of part-time nanny soon.
Anyways its good to see mothers on here and we enjoyed your other posts on this thread :)
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