The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
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Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.
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Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).
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You need self esteem. You are worried about making mistakes socially because you beat yourself up when you make a mistake, so you are going into the situations feeling negatively about the results. People can sense your negativity, and react with uncertainty because they don't know why you're feeling hesitant or awkward, so react with hesitance and awkwardness in turn.
Think less about yourself. Think more about making the people you're around happy and comfortable, and less about how you feel.
People who are better at social skills than you are aren't smarter or better than you, they just don't beat themselves up if they make a mistake so they're more willing to put themselves out there and make mistakes. They also tend to think more about other people's emotions than their own.
Do you think this is a change that can be made at will?
I'm not convinced this is what socially fluent people are doing most of the time. I know they do it sometimes, since I notice when they are trying to include me / make me feel comfortable, but most of the time they seem to be "performing" - telling a story, going on a fun rant, etc.
The ways I can think of to make people happy and comfortable are to
show interest in their life/hobbies/wellbeing - Asking lots of questions is my go-to, but I think it only gets you so far and eventually tires people out.
show "alignment" through emotional reactions - Recently someone told me about their serious health problems and I couldn't think of anything to say other than "that sucks" (which sounds wrong so I didn't say it and was just awkwardly silent). Later I heard the phrase "that's rough" which I think I'll use next time if I remember. Do you think it's worth learning stock phrases for different situations?
make jokes/banter - I think I'm not quick or witty enough for this
offer compliments - there are so many ways this can fail (too direct, too patronizing, too insincere, etc.), and I don't know if it's the best option for establishing rapport with other men
Are there other ways?
You build self esteem by making changes in your life to become more like the person you want to be and less like the person that you dislike in yourself. For me, I lost weight and took care of my body more and paid more attention to my appearance, and honed my other skills and hobbies outside of physical traits and built an inner dialogue of self respect and over time my self esteem seriously improved. It is a combination of material changes and mental ones, all done at will to improve my life.
If you are asking if thinking about others more is a change that can be made at will, it definitely is. Tell yourself that being too concerned about your own emotions is rude and selfish and that you should think more about other people in social situations. You are making people uncomfortable by being uncomfortable with them, so do your best to make them comfortable. It is rude to make people feel bad, but the answer isn't to withdraw from social situations altogether, because we all need to interact sometimes, for our own good and the good of everyone around us. You have a responsibility not to be a drag to everyone around you, otherwise you are bringing misery to the people around you for no reason. Accept that you have power as (I assume) a grown adult and accept this as a gift that you can help or hurt the people around you by the way that you act, and then act to improve the lives of others, because their lives collectively are more important than your personal comfort. It's immature to be so selfish that you are afraid of embarrassing yourself that you withhold your kindness and friendship from others.
People do this because they're uncomfortable in social situations and are running on a script. You're witnessing their self doubt and if you were better at making them comfortable they would rely less on these performances.
I think the most important advice I have is: don't project your personal insecurities onto other people. Do not seem snooty or ready to put people down. If someone likes something, do not tell them you dislike it, even if you don't like it. Try to listen to what it is they like about that thing. Be compassionate that other people have different experiences to you and try to find a common ground. Go into social situations with less self doubt and selfishness and you will find them more rewarding. Spend time with people you don't see as threatening if you need practice. Talk to children or people with mental handicaps or the elderly, people you do not feel inferior to, to get practice in showing kindness and compassion toward them. Then once you get used to talking with them, remember that everyone is equal and the people you are threatened by are no better than a kid or your grandma and you, too, are worthy of the same respect as everyone else.
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is just to listen to them (or pretend to) and eagerly agree with everything they say. Most people are enamored of their own voices and are never tired of talking all the time if they can.
"Yes"
"Yes, KAREN"
"No, KAREN! This is horrible! How could STACY do this to her best friend? Tell me what happened next!"
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"At will," no. I don't think there are trivial answers here, even though your problem is reasonably common. There are some approaches that work better than others, but a lot of this stuff is context-dependent, which is a serious pain if you have difficulties reading social context.
There's a Youtube channel that I like for this area called Charisma on Command. Yeah, a lot of the video titles are click-baity, but the substance of the channel is a pretty clear exploration of how to build positive social interactions, including when not to. A typical video takes a look at a particular celebrity/public figure, and explores exactly what behaviors project likeability, command respect, and maintain poise.
Often, advice in this area is open-ended, which leads to problems. For example, Chris Hemsworth is very tactile with his friends and coworkers, and is much loved by them. But he's universally tactile; it isn't targeted at one person in particular, which can get creepy fast. He's also sensitive to other people's comfort levels, and backs off smoothly. Touch is a great way to connect with other people, but there are failure modes, and it might not be your style. Keanu Reeves is another example of a beloved public figure, but one who is far more introverted.
Teasing humor can also be a great form of bonding, but only if you know where and how to use it appropriately. It's funny if you aim at someone's strengths, where he has actual confidence, and can shrug off teasing casually. It's hurtful if you aim at weaknesses. Conversely, a compliment will have much more impact if it's both honest and aimed at an area that isn't the other person's most obvious strength. A smart guy or a pretty girl can find someone to tell them "hey, you're smart/pretty" any time--this is expected and takes no insight. So compliment the smart guy on his tenacity for sticking with something that he found difficult, or the pretty girl for her compassion in volunteering at the senior center. Be careful: this can also be taken too far. You're aiming for "I paid attention and noticed this cool-but-not-obvious thing about you," not "I hacked your email/have drones following you/stole your diary."
Hope this helps, and good luck.
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