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Long post - tl;dr - have never done anything hard in my life. Isolated, still living in my super dysfunctional family and voluntarily in a sabbatical to fix my CS fundamentals now for the next months, feel really low about myself with immense self doubt. Never met someone as lazy and ambitious as me so the disconnect between what I expected to have happened by age 22 and what actually is happening hurts to talk about. Now forced in a corner, I cannot muster any positive emotions and am drifting towards nihilism. Isolation is another factor which I really would appreciate tips on. I remember being told 2 years ago here that life will go on without me if I do not change, seeing that warning turning into reality has definitely shaken up things. How can one even cope with self worth in a world of billionaires where you have so many people better, more successful than you?
Some thoughts -
I feel dead on the inside, do not think I actually am smart enough to do anything and may be too late to the party. I cannot find any joy in food, porn, music, movies etc. Everything feels tasteless, this is despite being on prozac. A recurring pattern in my life is me hating isolation, not having any peers and being forced to do something hard with those two things happening simultaneously. Getting off of cram schools without ever studying a day always made me feel that I will have to pay for it by working like that some later time in my life so the Sabbatical is a voluntary step in that direction. Everyday I recoil with anger, horror, fear and envy when I see someone my age or slightly older or younger doing good things (like getting into Stanford for a second degree or publishing papers in journals that matter or partying in higher end places with a rad social circle, meeting models regularly or working a super interesting, respected job that is meaningful). A part of me wishes I could do those things but the remaining half sorta knows I will likely never make it given what has happened till now.
I have applied for a semester waiver for this semester( get my 4 year degree this summer without having to attend any classes, exams, labs starting next week) so that I can study full time without college o disturb me and save time, actually do something good. Real programming has scared me, I doubt myself each time I work but end up learning something new. Learning and working hard is by definition really really painful and never having done it before, living a life of just surfing all day has fried my brain to the point to only ever like things that are easy. I look at really really good guys and feel a sense of awe and sadness for I marvel at their ability but simultaneously subconsciously feel that I will never be good enough no matter what I do. No one can ever be like John Carmack but you can only know if you keep trying and competence is its own reward so always right to do these things, hope that you get so good that you enjoy them.
Regardless, I just hope I succeed with this. I will also take up a combat sport in some time as the only thing I will do for the entirety of my day is study, work out and sleep, no classes or exams and whatnot. Programming itself is not bad, no matter how tired, bad I may feel starting work has a wierd effect where once I begin, I can feel everything else disappear and bang out some code only to actually feel tired for real when I do a few hours of it (2 or so for now but can push to 5 or 6 maybe?) which is something I feel only when I work. There is happiness, satisfaction at the end of a hard day of work where I like having learnt new things and feel good about myself for not doing what I do by default which is to never do fuck all. Developing actual skills is like developing a chiseled physique in the sense you must do the thing hard enough, long enough without breaks only to see results in a few months. The first few weeks is just pain but the payoff is otherworldly. I have felt some of it recently and it felt great. Like waking up from an opium dream to a reality that feels cleaner, more vivid but also better.
Some Developments in life -
On the 9th of March, a day after Holi I will get my sacred thread (Janeu). It is a highly respected thing which only a small minority of the country can wear. I feel immense pride in being born into a lineage that traces its origin to divinity. The thread means that you are a twice born, born once from the womb of your mother and the second happens when you take your Janeu. It is something that very clans can take up and despite the gloomy nature of the post below, knowing that I will be the first in my family to revive the tradition is heartwarming. My recent ancestors did not get theirs so my family's lineage will now have my name in it as those who will take up the sacred thread will do so under my name (or so I was told) which is very touching. I was told not to post here and that was honestly great advice given I would simply lie about my progress and would post just to get some semblance of validation from the internet as real life is too dull.
Recently, more specifically, today I have been feeling really low. I also got paralettes (bars for push ups) for push ups and have started doing Timed Static Contractions (a form of isometrics) now. The real bottleneck for everything fucking me up is sleeping on time and electronic distractions as I have had some really good days where I felt great and had no screen time besides work, slept on time. Getting off of sleep meds so will just take prozac and staretta, I hallucinate on ambien sometimes and think about my oneitis who is dating someone seriously now. Deep down I feel that I will never get anyone better but then again, why not date someone who is rich or has a settled life instead of me. My city has played a huge part in this as she lives in the capital whereas my town barely has anything and feels like a retirement home. I do not meet interesting, attractive people ever at all and this is not just me being someone with a superiority complex, someone young is better off in a metropolis with other young people instead of the sandy land of Rajasthan. My GPA is super low at a 6.77 out of 10 but I am just glad uni will get over soon. I hate, fucking hate it with all my passion and have met better people here than in uni.
Sabbatical -
My uni taught me fuck all. The exams, labs, classes were all a LARP and a bad one at that, something others here can attest about Indian higher education, all I got was 4 years worth of wasted time and a college life I will forever hate. I have decided to take a sabbatical of at least six months after university ends to fix the holes in my CS knowledge and decompress from all the trauma I got at uni. I have good people I found as mentors via the internet helping me out in learning key fundamentals from ground up properly (Computer Architecture, Discrete Math, Data Structures in C etc etc) and will end it with a capstone project so that I not only have the fundamentals required but also a fixed direction.
My mental health is in the gutter in all honesty. All I have ever wanted is to leave my home for a better life but somehow I find myself in prolonged isolation yet again. My town is way way too small, the only decent uni here is mine and I cannot befriend more people or see any girls for now as I take my sabbatical seriously.
I finally did nearly finish my first proper notebook since 10th grade which is an achievement for me, finally.
I aim to get a remote gig from some firm based in the west by the end of this year that pays me well and have actual fucking skills to make things that matter instead of just cramming questions off of leetcode because that is the extent of what I have seen in my uni for all 4 years.
Even during such times of extreme nihilism, I would much rather die than work a 9 to 5 job here where I commute long distances for a job where i deal with office politics from people who pretend to be intellectuals on Indian tech twitter.
Remote jobs or migration are the only two things I wish for.
My mind was dead when I began writing the post but I feel better after having written this out. My friends and mentors grill the fuck out of me daily and weekly with progress reports so at least I have that going for me. I miss my oneitis, the big reason for wanting to move out is to meet better women than her, by the hundreds. Sure that is not the main reason, that is obviously bettering my career but most Megacities have both. She was nice to me so I still wish her well but I really still want to at least spend one night with her irl. I have always have had needy one sided crushes since forever so I need to work on myself too.
Also the online world, the screen, the internet, TV, my brain, none of that is real. The more I work and the less time I spend with all of these things, the better I feel. Sure my mentors and friends who help me out are all online but I will get a dumb phone. I study in my Unis library which is a 20-30 commute away from my house and turn on gather.town so that my friends can check my work and my screen. Adds another layer of safety. Also will try out the book focusing by gendlin which is about self therapy of sorts. Just need to stick to a routine long enough and all should be fine.
Will post updates next. Take care!
Have you ever thought about joining the army? You have the right heritage for a military career, don't you? It will impose a structure upon your life and will get you away from your sleepy town.
Yeah, my clan has been into warfare since the beginning of our civilization but the world has changed. The army sure will help but I do not wish to waste 3 more years on that endeavor. I would have had I been in some other country but the perks here are not worth it.
I am actually feeling better now, just was feeling super low yesterday so apologies.
Just to give you my opinion. When I graduated college at 23, I thought very seriously about joining the navy. I actually took the Officer Candidate School test, got letters of rec, went through the physical, and was very close to signing the papers. But I also didn't want to sacrifice 4 years (minimum) of my life in the military. After all, I'd be 27 or 28 by the time I could go do something else.
But looking back now at age 31, those four years went quick and I do regret not joining. It's too late now, I'm too old to sign back up, but looking back I sort of wish I had done it. I don't feel a ton of regret, but it would have been an interesting experience, no doubt, and four years will go by faster than you think.
Anyway, I'm not suggesting you enlist, but it's something to think about if you're looking for something with more structure and purpose.
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Try a different antidepressent. Everything you said sounds like classic depression. Maybe try an SNRI like Effexor or Cymbalta?
I also felt just like you, that I slacked off in college and then I was screwed by not being prepared for the real world. But in actuality, that didn't have to be the case. The best thing in the world for me was finding a good job that taught me what I need to know, a place that invested in me. You don't need "CS knowledge" to be able to be a software developer, you need to be able to learn about what tech your team uses, be able to break down concepts and ask lots of good questions, and you need to be able to communicate earnestly, frankly, and effectively. If you can, get a job with a big software company. Use Cracking the Coding Interview to prep.
I'll try another anti depressant.
I'll be using algoexpert for my job prep stuff. Thanks for the recs.
This was gonna be my recommendation too.
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I relate a lot to everything you've said, I feel like I'm in a very similar position but not doing as quite bad along most metrics. My current strategy is that I'm trying to join the Canadian military for a sense of discipline and purpose.
Good luck man. Wish ya well.
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You should be proud; you know what you don't want which is a step many people never figure out. It is very true that the world will simply move on without you. No one is coming to save any of us. Isolation happens if you let it happen; it slowly creeps in as the easy friends you made from your school, job, hobbies, dwindle as the years roll on. The best way I've found to fight it is to always be active in something which makes me happy. This can be a gym, a shooting range, hiking, running club, or pretty much anything you have an interest in. Just keep moving. Good luck!
I think punching people (combat sports) would probably do it for me at the very least. Just need momentum and consistency.
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There's a lot to unpack here, but I guess I would generally agree with @Bleep
is good advice!
I realize that the top level post might be just for the catharsis of journaling one's thoughts, but in case more specific critique was actually desired I do have a few of other comments.
Think carefully about how many people you have really met and know well, well enough to know their true inner dialog. I'm my experience there are a lot of very high achieving people who are both ambitious and lazy. It was my impression that this internal tension was one of the foundational principles in the early management philosophy at Amazon. The key idea being how to reward ambition so as to overcome innate laziness of people. I also think of the classic Bill Gates quote here, “I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.”
This doesn't seem totally precise to me. You might continue to apply analogy to general life, but I think addressing the case of working out specifically is illustrative. Looking good, a sense of achievement from doing something hard, and monthly progress can be motivating in the short term. At some point in your life though, your physique will decline. Even if you are still working our hard, eating clean, and have pharmaceutical assistance. Current Arnold's physique is a shadow of Olympia Arnold, but that doesn't mean he should give up training. It's still something he reaps enjoyment from even though progress is negative. I also think it's false that you need to train without breaks. The highest Wilks coefficient lifter I know took about a decade off when his kids were born. Yes, he will never be a strong as he was in his prime, but he is still the strongest (Wilks scaled) MF in the gym by quit a bit. It's totally fine to do something else for a while and come back when something that previously brought you joy seems appealing again. Finally, I think the time scale is wrong. You can see solid results in months at the beginning, but the people at elite level have trained for years or decades. When your training timeline is that long there will be months or even years when you see no progress. The thing that keeps you going is sense that just *doing *the activity brings you joy or is a part of your expression of self.
On romantic partners. Seeking a relationship with someone because you think their status combined with choosing to be in a relationship with you will be validating, is a bad reason to seek a relationship. It is unattractive and women can smell it from a mile away. Even if you don't have time to develop new close friendships, it's not a reason to avoid befriending more people. Casual and friendship and acquaintances are how social networks get built out, and closer friendships form.
On studying and the 9 to 5 job. I would advise against thinking you need perfect knowledge or a perfect GPA to get a perfect job now. Keep your fundamentals and skills sharp, but experience is very valuable. Get your foot in the door and work towards better, not perfect. If you work for a big enough company there might even be a few people who work there that aren't "people who pretend to be intellectuals," and are actually cool to hang out with or you can learn something from. Isolation is way more likely to set in if you ex anti reject all people you might hang out with from work. Especially in your 20s.
On a lighter note, about self therapy and things to study. Taking a quick dive into studding Stoicism might be a diversion from the draw of nihilism, or at least a bit interesting and useful. The early Stoics did a bunch of the foundational work on propositional logic that you might see reflected in CS theory. There are also quite a few interesting analogs to Eastern philosophy with respect to what the Stoics though about concepts that might be expressed as the Four Noble Truths. i.e. What is suffering, its origins, and how to live with it.
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