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In this episode, we discuss porn.
Participants: Yassine, Interversity, Neophos, Xantos.
Links:
E016: The Banality of Catgirls (The Bailey)
Is Internet Pornography Causing Sexual Dysfunctions? A Review with Clinical Reports (Behavioral Sciences)
How Pornography Can Ruin Your Sex Life (Mark Manson)
Does too much pornography numb us to sexual pleasure? (Aeon Magazine)
The great porn experiment (TEDx)
Hikikomori (Wikipedia)
The Effects Of Too Much Porn: "He's Just Not That Into Anyone" (The Last Psychiatrist)
Hard Core (The Atlantic)
Recorded 2022-12-18 | Uploaded 2023-01-12
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Notes -
Hm, let me give it a shot. Sounds like you're doing better than me at that point. It's worth linking Scott's survey of anxiety interventions from back in the SSC days, which ranks common advice by effect sizes. That said, if my story sounds familiar, I may have some tailored advice.
Getting better is about putting yourself in the best position to experience the gift of grace. What is grace? Sometimes a baby bird warbles in its nest for a long time, but mother never returns. Eventually the baby bird stops making noises. It does not believe mother will return. The bird may grow to believe warbling is pointless and it really ought to be learning to fly. If you do not warble, though, you're unlikely to experience grace.
If you're like me, your problem is a socialization defect from early childhood that leads you to create walls between yourself and others. Everything else wrong with your life is a second order effect. Sometimes your problem manifests "positively", such as when you work fiendishly hard to show a respectable face to the world. However, when respectability seems impossible, you retreat and attempt to become invisible. It may feel strained to say "You failed to complete your coursework because your couldn't form close and genuine relationships", but that's what it is.
First, something important to understand, at least intellectually. A person's ability to be loved does not spring from arete. Although arete is a good thing to cultivate — indeed, it may come from a healthy self-love — excellence is orthogonal to human worth. You may agree with that, or if you're a cynic, deny it; but either way it's not the way you feel in your bones. Developing the notion that your "core" is pure and can be touched, and feeling it deep down, is the gift of grace. In it, you are able to glimpse yourself in the third person, and feel naked compassion.
Upthread @Ioper suggested turtling and delayed adolescence come from young adults with unrealistic expectations for themselves. They deserve to be famous artists, or have a super hot girlfriend, be rich, etc. I would say he's a little off. A young adult who turtles has convinced themselves they must be remakarble to compensate for what is defective; they must be so remarkable that no one could accuse them of being useless, rotten. This leads to alternating cycles of feverish preening and quiet despair.
Getting better is about assembling evidence that you're wrong. You need to compile this evidence that you are lovable in a currency your limbic system understands. A few approaches:
Practice pitying yourself. This is usually frowned upon because it reinforces learned helplessness, but for this issue it may be useful. Identify the ways in which you were set up to fail, and where you had a hard time. It's fine if the only thing you can think of is that you're weaker than others. Practice might take the form of journaling or structured meditation. Alternatively you could read fictional or non-fictional stories about people like yourself and experience vicarious pity.
Find the people who you know (logically) are nicest and/or closest to you. Speak to them in an unvarnished way about yourself. Go from smaller less threatening truths to bigger one, in a structured progression.
If the above is impossible, try imagining it. Invest the time in filling in and visualizing the interaction.
Try expressing your admiration for people you respect or feel a debt towards. Cards and birthdays are an excellent chance to do this without it seeming awkward. Carefully observe their and your own reactions.
By hook or crook, get a circle around you at least that knows you exist. Worming into an existing group is ideal, but it's also fine if it's just 'The people who come to Panera every day around 6pm.' You will not connect with them properly, but it's important that such people are around if the miracle of grace occurs.
Practice identifying times you are comparing yourself to others. When you notice these comparing thoughts, think about what you observed in 1-4.
You may realize this closely resembles cognitive behavioral therapy. Yep.
While you do these things, you may want to engage in /r/getdisciplined or /r/fitness style self-improvement. I won't dissuade you from that, per se. I actually recommend nutritional tracking a lot actually. However, it's important to remember you are not doing these because you "must", that you will be a loser if you don't improve yourself. You are doing them because you wish to be happy.
Best of luck!
That is not quite what I meant. I meant that people who have the capacity to become a nurse refuses to do so because they think being the medical field and not being a doctor is beneath them.
What they think they deserve is high status and refusing to settle for average/slightly above average status leaves them with nothing.
This also happens to (mostly) boys in school. They feel like they will be humiliated if they exert effort and only get an ok grade or fail, so they disengage.
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