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PaperclipPerfector  24d ago (text post)   1937 thread views

Wellness Wednesday for January 29, 2025

The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:

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What are some strategies for speed dating (other than Be Handsome, Muscular, and Affluent)? A short look around the internet only turned up the usual idealistic "Be Yourself" drek.

I tried an event the other night. The group's online footprint did an incredible job of telegraphing to me that I was not welcome there (half their mixer events are getting-nails-did sessions, half their speed dating events are queer-only, the other half queer-friendly, orthodox lingo, and all the event descriptions say proof of vaccination required and masks encouraged). But I badly needed to get out of my own head.

It turned out to not be nearly as hostile as I'd over-dramatically imagined; masks and vaccinations weren't mentioned, so I roll my eyes that they still bother to copy-paste it in everything. There were actual people there. Typically even just trying to have casual conversations with women in any context has a high chance of them scuttling away in fear or making some reddit-y dig along the lines of "men are all such trash, amirite?" (One allusion to JK Rowling being a "terrible person" was the most aggressive woke thing I encountered) It was nice to look into women's eyes and not see arbitrary hatred, fear, or looking-for-the-door annoyance. I wound up caught in the loop of job-interview questions and want to be more deliberately charming next time.

It turned out to not be nearly as hostile as I'd over-dramatically imagined

You'd be surprised how many women (I'm assuming you're a straight guy) at events like this are closet normies. They just want to grill bake and meet a normal guy, not a political yes man. I'd pay the bare minimum lip service (if any) and then outright ignore any of that stuff.

What are some strategies for speed dating (other than Be Handsome, Muscular, and Affluent)?

If you're going a few times (which I recommend if you like what you see at those events), then I'd just spend the first event getting comfortable with the format and managing your expectations correctly. You might have a great conversation and the girl could ghost for any number of unknown reasons:

  1. Not attracted to you, but being polite
  2. She's a taken friend of the host wrangled into padding the female numbers
  3. Some super attractive guy that she talked to after you made her raise her 'standards'
  4. ????

I've had friends get frustrated and refuse to go back because they didn't get the matches they'd like due to outcomes like above.

Some things I found helpful:

0) Be attractive, don't be unattractive

  1. Have some cheesy go to icebreaker questions that get the conversation going. One is 'If you had 3 wishes, what would they be?', others are 'love or hate coriander?', 'dogs or cats? Why? Cats are assholes' Having low stakes playful conversations can be a breath of fresh air amongst all the 'what's your name, what's your job etc etc' repetition. This can make you stand out and will also help see if your humor and banter are aligned.
  2. Ask how their night is going and if they've met some potential matches. This can show that you aren't too deeply invested in the conversation and that you're not afraid of 'the competition'.
  3. Don't be afraid to chat and mingle before and after the event (including during breaks). There might be someone who would like a bit of extra time with you. Be careful of not monopolizing the time of a potential match as it can come off as clingy.
  4. Chatting to guys (if you're a guy) can be a great stress reliever and sanity check during breaks. You can also pick up some helpful gossip (did you know hot girl x is actually dating someone? I know her from college). Make sure to trust your own judgment at the end of the day as you don't know how accurate some of the idle gossip can be.
  5. It's common for groups to go out to a bar, club or for food after the event. Don't feel obligated, but the option is there.

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