Throwaway999A
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User ID: 3508
Throwaway999A
11hr ago
Thanks for exploring this option. I probably won't go down this path, but its been niggling at the back of my mind and it deserves consideration. We did kind of discuss non-monogamy about a year ago and she subtly communicated she would tolerate the 'don't let me find out what you're doing and escorts only (eg no emotions)'.
I don't think I could do it because that's not the sort of marriage I want, even though its a pragmatic solution.
Throwaway999A
1d ago
I never deceived her and she tells me that I've been clear about not wanting a serious relationship with her from the beginning. She told me she hoped that I would change my mind when I raised all this with her a few days ago.
I'll agree there's a certain sub-communication to agreeing to move in with someone that I'll have to wear.
Throwaway999A
1d ago
She hasn't really let herself go. Small amount of weight gain, but nothing out of the ordinary. I just don't want to have sex with her. I can't blame her for that. I shouldn't be here in the first place.
Throwaway999A
1d ago
Where if you started at "meh I guess if it's convenient" the decline quickly leaves you at zero. You're almost never going to add attraction during the course of the relationship.
Pretty much. I didn't find an increase in attraction, but the sex (when we had it) did get better due to comfort and experience.
Throwaway999A
1d ago
Surely it's unreasonable to expect your partner to be as physically attractive, with respect to sexual intimacy, as she approaches 40 then when she was 24.
I've been with girls who have aged over time and it's been fine. The initial attraction stays and is kind of grandfathered in to the relationship. That isn't the case here. I wasn't really attracted to her physically to begin with.
Throwaway999A
1d ago
One day it will rear it's head and that day won't be pretty for either of you.
This feels like that day. I feel like I'm vomiting up something long suppressed and I feel pretty bad about it.
And don't repeat this mistake ever again.
I will never ever EVER date a woman I don't find marriage material ever again. EVER! It's just not worth it.
Throwaway999A
1d ago
I don't think it's as obvious as others seem to that not sleeping together for one year is immediately a problem. I would happily take the least attractive of my exs' bodies with my favorite ex's personality over the reverse.
This kind of thing is what stalled my leaving earlier. I really enjoy her personality, but there's a small voice inside that says I'd regret staying in this relationship for life. I feel bad and keep wondering if I'm making a mistake because I enjoy her personality so much. Like if I was in my 60's I'd stay, but not in my 40's. I'm basically making do with porn to get my needs met. She's kind of accepting of that even though we haven't discussed it.
Throwaway999A
1d ago
Things have evolved far beyond sex. It's emotions now, with no sex involved. I wouldn't have believed that you could partner with someone so closely without sex unless I had experienced it.
Throwaway999A
2d ago
Oxytocin: Not Even Once!
I’m looking at breaking up with my girlfriend of 4 years and I could use a sanity check. Apologies for the length and I’ll try to keep it down, but I need to explain how the situation I now find myself in developed.
I’d normally run this kind of thing by a close friend, but because of where I live I’m kind of away from my support network, I don’t really have anyone close I’d trust to give good nuanced advice, and I feel like a bit of fool for reasons that should become apparent.
So I moved to a new city as a single man about 5 years ago for a job. I first stayed at airbnb’s, but eventually moved into a shared apartment where I met my now partner. She held the lease and interviewed me for the room. Me, her and another housemate became friends and she spent a fair bit of time introducing the city to me.
We were pretty open about the people we were dating. I wasn’t really attracted to her so it was pretty easy to keep her as a good friend. After a year or so during a dry patch I floated the idea of becoming ‘friends with benefits’ while we weren’t involved in serious relationships. I wasn’t that attracted to her, but I had needs so I’d rather look after that with someone I trusted. She rejected the idea and I didn’t push the issue. We moved on.
I eventually moved to another apartment to live alone, but we remained friends. She would occasionally come over to watch a movie or have a coffee and catch up, or we would go out somewhere or catch up with mutual friends.
Then COVID happened. We were living in a heavily locked down city, but there were allowances for single friends to visit other friends. She would spend a fair bit of time at my apartment as we’d become close friends by this time. This continued for months and then one day through the magic of alcohol we hooked up and she slept over. By the time COVID finished we were practically boyfriend/girlfriend, but we never defined things. At the time I still wanted to keep things casual because I knew I wasn’t really attracted to her even though we had pretty good compatibility in terms of personalities.
Due to inertia and I guess laziness I let the situation continue and found that I didn’t really have the motivation to date other people. Eventually we decided to move in together even though I stressed we might break up or date other people. She was fine with this and wanted to do it for practical and cost saving purposes.
So now its about 4 years since we first hooked up and we’re living together out in the suburbs. We’ve had talks about where we are going and even (minor) breakups over the years. I still have the feeling I’m not really attracted to her and we haven’t had sex in over a year. I kind of don’t want to not just because of the attraction, but that I already feel pair bonded and don’t want to make things worse. The feeling of pair bonding is what I’m struggling with. I genuinely don’t won’t to lose this girl from my life. I love her in a way, but I can’t get over the fact I’m not physically attracted to her.
There are other incompatibility issues largely due to it being and inter-racial relationship. She’s from a SE Asian nation, but is educated (Masters) and proficient in English. She sometimes acts crudely and breaches etiquette in some ways according to my WASP sensibilities. For example, she has overshared personal things about our relationship to friends, family and coworkers that has upset me but she insists its no big deal and is funny. I think a lot of these other things could be overcome with work on the relationship, but not the attraction issue.
But recently I’ve realized that if I don’t make any changes, nothing will change. She and I both want marriage and kids, but I don’t want that with her. The window for this for both of us is closing (late 30’s, early 40’s). So I brought all this up with her a couple of days ago and she didn’t take it well. She thinks I’ll regret this (and I feel like I might) and she regretted ‘wasting’ 4 years with me. We’re currently not talking for the last day or so, but we’ll eventually have to talk about all this.
I guess what I’m asking is for some reassurance. Lack of physical attraction is a deal breaker for marriage right? I feel like I’d regret things if I just got over myself and married her as my best friend. I’ve been turning this over in my mind for weeks, but can’t see another solution besides breaking up. I’m also kicking myself for allowing things to develop like this. COVID really allowed time for pair-bonding in a siloed environment and it snuck up on me. I really feel like shit about this whole thing, particularly about ending it.
Why not just use a third party site for the poll and link to it in the post? Also use the post for discussion of the poll and allow people to make arguments for why they went with their particular option.
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