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Before I try to address your post, it's important to note that some of the answers here are going to vary a lot based on denomination. The basic doctrine of "repent for sins, get forgiven" is the same across every denomination, but once you get into the details things vary. So just bear in mind that on some of the things I'm saying there isn't a monolithic Christian viewpoint. I'm giving you the Catholic viewpoint.
There are a few misconceptions here. First, hell is not a punishment for acts we have committed. Hell is what happens when you have chosen being apart from God during this life - once you die, you get what you wanted and are separated from him in the afterlife. It is miserable not because God wishes to punish people, but because he is the source of all good things. So by separating yourself from him, you wind up in a place where you can only experience bad things. But as CS Lewis memorably put it, the gates of hell are locked from the inside.
Second, Catholics believe that after you die (if you are going to end up in heaven) you will go through a period of purgation as the stain of sins you committed is erased (through means we can only guess at, but it's generally believed it will be painful). Yes, God forgives you for your sins, but they still happened and they still have consequences for you. And based on the exact sins you committed, you will suffer a varying amount as your soul is purified.
Third, all people are equally flawed compared to God (because they are being compared to a perfect standard), but not all sins are ones which mean you will go to hell. Remember, that hell is really about choosing sin over God and not a punishment, so only some sins are so serious that they constitute a break in your relationship with God. The example Bishop Barron gives (which I found helpful) is to use the analogy of a person who does something inconsiderate toward a friend. Some things are minor and weaken the relationship, but don't destroy it. But some things are so serious that the friendship is dead afterwards because of the level of disregard shown.
So to go back to your example of a murderer and the family of one of his victims. The murderer will not be in hell, because he repented and God is merciful. But he will very likely have to suffer the consequences of his sin in purgatory. Meanwhile, the family member will probably also not go to hell, because her hatred is not a mortal sin. She will also have to suffer the consequences of that sin in purgatory, but they will probably be less than what the other person suffers because the sin was not as serious.
God is not running a justice system with the various factors that they need to take into account. Like I said, hell is about your relationship with God and not punishment for sins.
It's official church teaching and has been since the very beginning. That doesn't mean that the actual people truly believed it, but the doctrine is very clear on this point.
This is a good answer, though I'll just add that the current view of hell you describe is very much the post Vatican II (ie from the 60s onwards) position. Prior to that there was a lot more focus on the concept of hell as punishment and torment etc.
There is also some debate amongst modern theologians about the nature of hell, as the idea that it's meant to be both eternal and due entirely to the self-rejection of God can be difficult to square, though this is certainty the current Catholic position.
Yeah, and purgatory was normally considered as involving punishment too.
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