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Culture War Roundup for the week of September 2, 2024

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Part of the problem here is that modern parents absolutely suck at discipline. Most parents never learn or never feel empowered to tell their kid "Go play by yourself and if you interrupt me or pester me you will get a punishment." Modern parents are grudgingly allowed to punish kids for blatant infractions like hitting or stealing. But it has become unthinkable to punish kids for pestering or interrupting. This really needs to change. With proper discipline, most four year olds are perfectly capable of playing by themselves and not interrupting for an hour.

I just want to underscore this -- this is absolutely correct. Modern parenting (or "gentle" parenting, as the meme goes) makes life SO much harder than it needs to be. Kids do not need their parents (or a screen) to be entertained and you are a fool if you cater to their whims in this way.

I'd also gesture at the great work Jonathan Haidt has been doing calling attention to the dual problem of social media + complete lack of independence and freedom in childhood, but that's a whole other (huge) topic.

Agree and I will elaborate. My son is illiterate. This is fine, he is too young to be literate. He is just barely mastering speech of a very finite vocabulary (and is doing so speedily according to the doctors). But he still will just let me do the dishes while he sits down and "reads" books. Certainly he knows his favorite books (they involve large machinery). He grabs them intentionally off the shelf and peruses them for enough time for me to finish all sorts of minor tasks.

Now, could I work from home, alone, for a whole day and expect this behavior for a whole day? No that is insane. He has the energy of a greyhound and needs to go outside and get his 10k steps. He needs to climb at some point. But if you cant manage that at a FAMILY party what is wrong with you and your family? Can none of them be trusted to not kick him down the stairs? Do you all have houses full of vases and knives in every room? Last family party I attended I supervised 4 under 4 easily for an entire morning with only a few interventions by parents of those other than my son to change diapers (which I still could have done if I had the right size with me, b/c I did for him).

I think another dimension of this is many people seem to have somehow, magically forgotten that it’s not only okay but ideal to treat kids differently based on their age. I had a very frustrating conversation recently about how or if we should be talking to kids about the “bad” parts of history, and it was kind of shocking to realize that they didn’t realize that for example a 5th grader is physiologically incapable of the same complexity of thought as a teenager or an adult. That echoes over to discipline where they also don’t realize that again, a child’s brain is both highly plastic as well as not yet mature in a deep and fundamental way. Being strict and firm are not the same things… and yes, shoving a phone in front of your kid and going “they entertain themselves, how great!” is terrible for development.

magically forgotten

A social policy of segregation will do that. Age cohorts are relatively strictly segregated in modern society, and from 15-30 most women and nearly all men will have observed zero children in a casual context (teaching doesn't count); not a surprise they have to learn from scratch when they have them.

Add to that the fact that most parents who become parents are going to lack the required experience in having authority, and you get a populace who doesn't know how to exercise it, don't know when it needs to be exercised, or have no experience with authorities that aren't arbitrary/capricious. So they're going to try and get by without it, because that's how they interact with everyone they know; why would smaller human be any different?

that it’s not only okay but ideal to treat kids differently based on their age

Maybe, but (and partially because of the above) the ages at which it's ideal to treat kids in certain ways are blown so hilariously out of proportion that there exist people who take seriously the notion that anyone under 25 is physiologically incapable of any adult thought. (The people who most loudly agree with this notion are usually 26.) I've seen 14 year olds with bedtimes on vacation, and it was fucking absurd.

Parents reacting to parents who [over]do the above are most likely the ones to try and be 'gentle' parents, but miss the fact that if you're going to do that, you have to be capable (and if you actually are capable of doing it, your kid is more than likely capable of working with it- which is also something parenting advice always forgets to mention especially when it comes to "a child's brain"), and most aren't. Same thing with liberal proponents of casual sex who had a traditionalist upbringing- you actually have to have a high level of emotional detachment with sex, because if you're lying to yourself you're going to get hurt and would have been better off the traditionalist way.

about how or if we should be talking to kids about the “bad” parts of history

Fifth-graders participate in the bad parts of history, and are made aware of that if they turn on a TV. Probably best if they know how to avoid participating (a 5 year old would have no choice and this would be a net negative, but thinking that a 10 year old should still believe this doesn't happen to them is also absurd).