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[Scene: Larry, Jeff, and Susie are getting cocktails at the bar before Ted Danson's wife, Mary's 70th birthday party.]
Susie: This is a big birthday for her, you better have gotten her a good gift Larry.
Larry: What are you picking on me for? I get great gifts.
Susie: You're always cheap, you get cheap gifts.
Larry: I get great gifts! And anyway, I got her a very nice gift! She said to me the other day she always wanted a Rolex watch, well I got her a Rolex.
Jeff: You got her a Rolex! What, are you sleeping with her? Are you having an affair with Ted's wife?
Larry: No, I'm not having an affair!
Susie: You bought her a Rolex. Why would you buy her a Rolex if you weren't having an affair?
Larry: Oh, first I'm cheap, now I'm having an affair. Well, I'll have you know, I got a really good deal on the Rolex, it wasn't that expensive. I got a good deal, we're not having an affair.
Jeff: Now I know you're lying. You're having an affair, Larry, Rolexes don't go on sale. There is no deal, you're lying.
Larry: No, it wasn't on sale. I bought it online, used. It was a good deal, I got a discount.
Susie: What discount. They're just as expensive at the dealer used you lying sack of shit. Ted's gonna kill you when he finds out.
Larry: Look, I didn't get it from a dealer, I bought it from a, from a guy on Reddit. I trusted him so I bought it from him.
Jeff: You trusted some guy on Reddit? Why would you trust him? He could be selling you anything.
Larry: Jeff, I knew I could trust him. I went through his profile and he posted things nobody would post if they were running a scam. He was posting about, about dickstretching
Susie: Dickstretching? I should have known you sick fuck with your sick fuck friends.
Jeff: Why would that make you trust him?
Larry: Well who would post that if they weren't a real person, it's too weird. He spent all that time writing about stretching out his dick, you wouldn't do that just to sell a fake Rolex.
Susie: You sick fuck! I should have known. You can't give Mary a dick stretcher's Rolex! That's disgusting.
Larry: What's disgusting? It's not like he stretched his dick with the Rolex.
Jeff: It was probably on his wrist when he was stretching.
Susie: It was on his wrist! When he was dickstretching! You sick fuck. And I knew you were cheap! You got her a disgusting dickstretcher Rolex. Ted's gonna kill you when he finds out you bought his wife a dickstretcher Rolex.
[Ted Danson enters from behind Larry]
Larry: Oh now I'm cheap again. I got her a Rolex!
Ted: You got my wife a Rolex! Are you having an affair?!
Susie: No he's not having an affair he's a sick fuck!
Larry: No, we're not having an affair, she said she always wanted a Rolex, so I got her a nice birthday gift. It's a big birthday!
Ted: You can't give her a Rolex! It's too expensive! You don't give a friend's wife a watch like that!
Jeff: Wait 'til you hear why it was cheap! He got her a dickstretcher Rolex.
Ted: A what? Larry, what is he talking about?
Larry: Look, I bought it from a guy on Reddit, he also goes on /r/dickstretching. To stretch his dick, make it longer. I got a really good price, so really, it's fine, it's not too big a gift. I got, ya know, I got the dickstretcher discount. So it's all good.
Susie: Dickstretcher discount...You sick fuck. [Hits Jeff] You and your sick fuck friends.
Ted: You can't give her that watch. You don't understand, she has always said she wanted a Rolex, but I don't like them. I got her a watch too, a really nice Grand Seiko, you can't upstage me with your dickstretcher Rolex.
Jeff: You got her a Seiko?! Instead of a Rolex?! What were you thinking?
Ted: Hey! Hey! It's a Grand Seiko! It was probably more expensive than that disgusting Rolex!
Larry: What? It's not disgusting, I cleaned it.
Susie: The fact that you think that isn't disgusting is disgusting. He stretched his dick with that watch.
Larry: Not with the watch! He stretched his dick with the watch on, at worst. Probably on his other hand! He probably stretched his dick with his right hand, and had the watch on his left wrist. So really, it was just in the room.
Ted: That's disgusting Larry. That's my wife. You're trying to give my wife a dickstretcher watch.
Jeff: You have to get that watch back. If you get her a Rolex when Ted got her a Seiko, people are gonna think you're having an affair.
Ted: Hey! I told you, it's a Grand Seiko.
Susie: Nobody cares Ted, it's still a Seiko. Larry's is a Rolex, even if it is a perverted Rolex. For her 70th birthday, a Seiko? You're both cheap fucks.
Ted: She's right Larry, you have to get that Rolex back. It would be embarrassing.
Larry: What? Then I have no gift for her? Everyone will think I'm cheap.
Susie: It's better than people knowing you're a pervert. Which is what I'll tell them if you don't take it back. You sick fuck. Dickstretching.
[Theme Music]
Compare to the scene in my home.
Mrs. FiveHour: [Opens box] OH MY GOD AN OMEGA! OH MY GOD! IT'S LIKE EXACTLY THE ONE DON DRAPER WEARS! HOW MUCH DID YOU PAY FOR THIS! WHERE DID YOU GET IT?!
Me: I got a really good deal on it! I got in on Reddit. I got a great price on it, actually. I was worried it was fake or something, but I went through the guy's profile and he seemed real.
Mrs: FiveHour: That's hilarious. How could you tell he was real?
Me: He posted a lot in weird subreddits like /r/dickstretching. You know, for restoring your foreskin and shit like that.
Mrs. FiveHour: Wild. Oh my God this is so pretty, I love it. I can't wait to get it sized down.
...
Mrs. FiveHour: Dickstretching? Well, whatever.
But we're freaks. We barely buy new shoes. Disgust reactions about things like that seem odd to me.
8/10 solid effort, but Larry would say "penis" instead of "dick". I suspect he's never said "dick" at all.
I was disappointed with it by the midway point. It's funny picturing it in my head, but it's really just the delivery I'm imagining from the actor.
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