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PaperclipPerfector  7mo ago (text post)   2527 thread views

Wellness Wednesday for April 17, 2024

The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:

  • Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.

  • Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.

  • Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.

  • Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).

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What is the best way to access one's value in the dating market? I haven't been single for many years and my only real dating experience in the past decade is tinder. What is the best way to judge my realistic expectations in dating?

Now this is a place where you'll be hard pressed to find a useful answer, unless you wish to go the trouble of submitting a profile for someone here to look at it. Though you could definitely do that in person, with people you know. You could even DM me, should you deem me worthy of your trust.

Consider the following:

  1. Are you attractive? Be it yes or no, pick images that maximize it. People are much less picky in person, should things progress to a date. I'm not talking catfishing, but flattering shots are IMPORTANT.
  2. How old are you? For men, until the wrong side of your 30s, older can be better.
  3. Is your job one that signals social status or at least wealth?
  4. How tall are you?
  5. Do you have "cool" hobbies? Don't put MTG or video games here, for the love of god.
  6. Can you write an interesting or funny bio?

Sadly the most important step is number 1. Be VERY thoughtful about the pictures you put there.

The ideal photo has the following properties:

  1. Taken by someone else. In other words, not obviously a selfie. That signals having friends or a social life.
  2. You're dressed well. Or have a physique conducive to not having to dress much.
  3. You're doing something interesting.
  4. Got a pet? Especially a dog? Put them in there, ideally doing something cutesy with you.

If you're really down bad, get a professional photographer or a friend who's good at it to take your photos. I make do with my brother's obscenely expensive iPhone.

If you think you can make an honest self assessment of the other answers or tell us about it, even without a photo, I can at least roughly approximate your chances. Either way, if you're not naturally super hot, then you're going to be in for a rough time. But the degree of roughness can vary, and hell, it'll help you out if you're looking for someone serious for whom looks aren't the be all and end all.

Now this is a place where you'll be hard pressed to find a useful answer

Just the opposite, I feel like everytime someone asks motte for dating advise they get a lot of good replies. Yours is ironically one of them. I think this place is filled with smart guys who took a while to adjust to dating norms and in the meanwhile got to observe and think hard about the fundamentals

I appreciate the compliment, however, OP wanted to know his chances. What I provide is, I hope, sterling dating advice accrued through both observation and bitter experience, but until he can convince me or himself he's assessing himself correctly, nobody knows! haha

These are all steps you can take to help yourself on the apps, but how much they'll help and how badly he needs it? I have no idea. And I don't really trust self-assessments, I did better than I expected myself, so it's not like people just underestimate their chances. You'll never know for sure until you put it out there and see how many matches you get and how much you like them, until then no amount of mere talking, without showing someone else your profile, pictures and personal information, can help. I understand very well why someone won't want to show that to online strangers, but without that, what else can I do but pray he takes my suggestions seriously?

You will figure out your value fairly quickly if you make an effort to be objective. You will be able to judge by the quality of partners that you can attract for a second date (if using apps) or first date (if you met at an event). Set your expectations to that and you should be ok. Also stay away from Tinder. I've heard Hinge and Bumble are the apps to use in the West.

You can maximise your potential by working out, buying some well fitted (and not overtight) fashionable clothes (check out some fashion subreddits if necessary), and regularly socialising at mixed gender irl events. This single sentence covers about 80-90% of seduction theory on increasing your attractiveness.

A final word regarding apps. They can be soul crushing if you haven't had experience app dating. Matches will disappear for no apparent reason, or otherwise flake before dates. Try not to take this personally, and take breaks from app dating if you need to.

I find that meeting partners at irl singles or social events is much more productive. You get to show all facets of yourself and both of you can be more sure of what you are getting before you go on a first date. Your irl 'matches' are probably the best thing to calibrate your dating value expectations to.

There are many markets and your value will vary between them. App wise, if you are looking for anything serious, avoid Tinder (though it may vary by city) - I like Hinge. See who matches/responds/goes on a first date, see who goes on a second, see who makes it to a few months...I think the earlier in the pipeline there, the more it tells you about your profile and the app; the later, the more it tells you about you.

As to meeting people IRL, you'd, uh, want to ask someone else (though I'm working on it, in theory, a bit).

Some metrics are fairly objective. Height, income, even attractiveness. Personality gets more subjective, but still definitely has identifiable groups. Other than height, mostly it's things one can work on. As to where a particular set of category ratings puts you, harder to say.

You can in principle sign up as a woman and look at men's profiles, too.

You can in principle sign up as a woman and look at men's profiles, too.

At least in India, you have to go through phone number verification on the apps. All 3 of the big ones at least.

But in a pinch, set your gender to female and look for men, and you can see the competition.

Edit: As I've said before, avoid Tinder like the plague, Bumble and Hinge are far better for guys.

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