The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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I'll repost my comment from two years ago. None of this is meant to be a bible. This is one approach
In the midwest I got a disproportionate amount of attention on Tinder (vs other apps). In the Bay my tinder match rate is lower but my Hinge match rate is higher (despite identical pictures). Moral of the story: the best app for you depends on different factors, including location; try every app at least once per locale.
In the midwest my match rate on tinder was awful when I used bad photos and great when I used better photos. My current photos are: a picture of me on a ski trip, a picture of me shirtless (tripod), a (bad-quality) picture of me in New Zealand, a picture of me reading (tripod), a (bad quality) picture of me hiking, and a picture of me playing the piano (tripod)
Some random tidbits I've picked up from a few months of online dating:
A surprising number of people (including women) think it's bad for me to have the ski-trip picture because you can't see my face. It's important to have some pictures where your face is clear, but absolutely not required for all of them.
TAKE LOTS OF PICTURES and only post the best. This is completely normal and not dishonest – women do this all the time. (Side note: I've never been catfished – I'm increasingly convince that most men who claim to have been catfished simply don't appreciate that women strategically select photos – if you can't tell if she's fat... well, there's a reason she isn't making it obvious)
If you're going to use a shirtless pic, do it immediately after running or lifting. Again: take many pictures with many different types of lighting.
Buy a tripod. It also helps to be confident/mature/social enough to ask a friend take pictures, but a tripod can be more comfortable than asking a friend to take 100 shirtless pictures. Avoid selfies.
Every picture should be in a different location. (though I have two pictures in the same building, but you can't tell). Multiple pictures from the same location suggest your pool of "interesting hobbies/events" is small. Yes, your profile is a highlight reel, but you need to leave the impression that there is plenty more you could have chosen from.
Don't put your height unless it helps sell you (this is probably around either 5'11" or 6 ft)
Dogs are good; cats are mixed (I haven't tried either, but iirc this is from OKCupid)
I think many nerds really hate the idea of presenting a false version of themselves, but normal people (including the people you match with) will overwhelmingly not consider posting (e.g.) vacation highlights or flattering angles to be misleading – it's just (unfortunately) part of the game. Part of using OLD apps for me was letting go of my pride – I had spent my whole life never overselling myself and getting by just fine because I was top of my class, etc. That kind of honesty is, unfortunately, not compatible with dating apps. It's worth noting that if you're underselling yourself compared to others, that's also a kind of dishonestly.
It may be helpful to know that probably half the reason you're not getting many matches isn't because women are rejecting you, but simply because women don't swipe (in either direction) nearly as much as men. To this end buying super swipes can be helpful (I did this before I re-ramped my profiles). For most people on this sub, $500 on dating apps in exchange for 40 years of happiness is cheap at twice the price.
If you think your hair doesn't look attractive, you're probably right (compare my first picture to my other two; I'm no top 2%, but at least I'm not bottom 50%). If you think your clothes don't look attractive, you're probably right. If you think your glasses don't look attractive, you're probably right. Trust your intuition. I'm a nerd interested in Lotr and statistics, who majored in math and CS, and spent my entire time as a student wearing t shirts. I still know unattractive when I see it (on me).
A great, customized opening message and an average, canned opener probably aren't that different in terms of response rate. Response rate (after matching) is basically ~50% for me no matter what, so I usually just send canned messages. 2 canned messages are better than 1 custom message.
If a woman matched with you and is talking to you, she is interested. You don't need to be suave or even have a decent segue to ask for her number or ask her on a date. Just ask "out of the blue" for either (I usually ask for a date then ask for a number to "work out the details"). I usually do this on the 3rd or 4th message (edit: though I usually sent pretty long messages when I was dating. YMMV, this is one approach that worked for me and is intended as an example more than as a bible).
Appreciate the effortful response, but I was already fairly happy with my results on Hinge; just needed a bit more time, I think.
The last time I used Tinder in NYC was years ago and things may have changed in the interim. I’ll give it (and possibly other apps) another try, as things may have changed over time and across locales, as you say. Thanks for the suggestion!
Yeah, wasn’t sure how applicable this was to your specifically.
Best of luck regardless!
Edit: oops, actually I mixed up your post and this one
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How do you get people to turn up? Back when I could bring myself to bother with Hinge, I'd follow all of this, get the date set up, and with a horrific inevitability she'd cancel the day of the date. Then I'd ask to re-schedule, she'd say yes, then bail on the day of the re-scheduled date. Was, rinse, repeat until I get the message and stop talking to her. This happened with 95% reliability on Hinge. The last two times I got tinder dates, I got stood up both times, so I perma-deleted everything I could on there. I no longer have any trust in matches and haven't been able to bring myself to message anyone in months. I just look at the profile, see the inevitable outcome, and skip to the end where I don't go on a date. It's as if asking someone out on Hinge is some sort of disappointment to them "Gee, I really liked this guy I was talking to on this dating app, everything was going so well, I was really into him, until he asked me on a date, ugh, who does that?"
So I dispute 12.
It’s interesting because this happened once to me and it was a girl with a Snapchat in her bio. I pretty religiously avoided girls with some sort of social media (eg a instagram) in their bios since I expected they were just hunting for followers, so maybe that’s the difference?
The being stood up part or the Infinite Rescheduling part? If either only ever happened once to you, then I'm even sadder now than I was before.
If you’re sad for your general misfortune I wholeheartedly agree.
If you think this meaningfully reflects your attractiveness to women (or, alternatively, the attractiveness of your profile to women), then I disagree.
I don’t the girls thinking “he’s attractive enough to message and give my number too, but I’m not going to go on a date him” is really a thing.
For reference I’ve gone from a bad profile (iirc 1-2 matches a week? to a decent one (maybe a dozen?), so I feel like I have a decent amount of experience on both sides.
IMO if a girl is flaking I think by far the mostly likely reason is she isn’t on the app to find dates.
So no one is on the app to find dates, then? I don't think you comprehend the level of flaking I've experienced.
Back when I used Tinder in the Midwest probably half of profiles had a Snapchat or Instagram link in their profile. If you’re in a big city I’d guess it’s higher than that (if you’re trying to be an influencer or sex worker you’d presumably target bigger cities, even if you didn’t actually live there).
Alternatively maybe you’re trying an approach women don’t like — trying to be too sexually overt, not showing commitment by using short messages, etc.
But I maintain that, since I didn’t have this issue with a bad profile or with a good profile, I don’t think this says much about how attractive women find you.
No, I am not sexually suggestive, and no I do not write short messages.
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Yeah I’d say probably 7/8 in 10 women on tinder have no intention of ever meeting someone on the app in real life.
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I'd guess, more realistically, it's that the types of women who primarily use the app for attention have a lower bar in attractiveness for men to whom they respond, compared to the types of women who primarily use the app for actual dates. And you, like many of us, are in that range between the 2 bars. It's not that there's something about you or your behavior that's causing the women to flake, it's that the women who respond to your messages are primarily from the pool the women who know beforehand that they'll almost certainly not actually see you in person.
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