The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
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Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.
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Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.
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Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).
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What do you guys do when you feel stuck in a rut? It feels like all I think about is food, sex and money and it's really irritating. I'm constantly preoccupied with what I'm going to eat for my next meal, how I'm next going to get laid and how I'm going to make more money. I don't like spending time on activities that are nonproductive so I try to avoid video games. I spend a few hours every day on my computer but it's kind of a half work half mindless visual processing thing. I make money passively so I don't have to really work more than an hour or two a week but I usually end up spending a few hours more developing ideas and doing work that's not really necessary. I have a lot of free time but I spend a lot of it organizing stuff in my house and cooking. I am dating a bit but I don't really like any of the guys I'm talking to for anything long term so it feels like a dead end there. I also don't really generally like people and would rather spend time alone, I feel like these convos always go to "go to church" or "join a community" but it just sounds irritating to me.
When I used to feel this way I would just take walks outside or drive around or do chores around the house but I have done all of those to death. I have walked every path within an hour of my house, driven everywhere in my state and done many chores. I traveled for over a year and it was great but now that I'm stuck at home again the inanity of daily life is driving me crazy.
The bad news: What you are discovering are truths about the human condition - going after sources of temporary happiness or fulfillment will never lead to lasting, reliable happiness and fulfillment. Food, sex, money - thinking that these objects of greed will give you what you really seek is kind of like being a dog that mindlessly salivates at the thought of being thrown a bone from the butcher shop. They get the bone sometimes, and gnaw at the bone, even though it's already been scraped clean of meat. It will only provide enough satisfaction of the desire to keep you falling for the same trick in the future. Until you're tired of it.
The good news: You're in a great position to start seeing through the games that the mind sets up. You're already tired of it. You're in a pretty enviable position. Lots of people would love to get by on passive incomes with barely any work. You have your basic needs met, yet you are not fulfilled. This makes it clear to you that seeking lasting happiness from outside sources cannot work. What's good about realizing this? Because breaking free from illusions is liberating. It means you can stop setting conditions for when to have happiness.
If I were you I'd start putting a good chunk of time into diligent meditation each day. It worked for me. I'm not saying it made me happy all the time, but I'm a lot less unsatisfied than I used to be.
Yep, I can confirm your assessment in the first two paragraphs. I'm very bored of worldly pleasures and want to seek greater fulfillment. What do you mean by diligent meditation? Do you sit in a room with no distractions and just think? That's what I imagine meditation is. Do you reflect on deeper questions? I'm curious to know more about it and why it helped you out to be more satisfied with life because it doesn't sound super exciting but I'm open to exploring it as well.
You might want to read this brief chapter, "Meditation: Why bother?" from a freely available book called Mindfulness in Plain English: https://www.vipassana.com/meditation/mindfulness_in_plain_english_3.html
By diligent meditation I mean that you closely follow the instructions given to you by a legitimate teacher and/or book. And not just for 10 minutes every once in a while. For at least 45 minutes per day (you may start with lower amounts and work your way up). You sit in a room, in a position that will keep you both comfortable and alert, and engage in no distractions. You might follow the breath or another relatively reliable object which you can bear to stay with. You do not intentionally proliferate thinking (unless you're doing an analytical style of meditation, but this is done later, if ever). You do not intellectually reflect on deeper questions, although exploring deeper questions and assumptions is what a more trained mind will start to do on its own, when looking for mundane or supramundane insights. This will not happen right away. You need to train the mind first and get a stable base of mindfulness established. It's a bit like training the body. Most people's minds may be trained in one way through their education and work, but remain absurdly untrained in other ways. It can't perform at a good level if you don't cultivate it. The duration of 45+ minutes is necessary to get the mind to settle, reaching an understanding where the mind's modules cannot just "ride out the storm" before getting right back to doing what they have always done. In order to attain liberation for ourselves we help the mind to observe and change itself, unifying the board members around a common purpose, while observing its autonomous natures. Some parts don't want to change. They are employed in certain ways and do not want to become unemployed. We give them a better alternative. We find joy in letting go.
Part of the training of the mind is to strengthen your power of consciousness and to shape your working memory. For me, it freed up several slots in working memory, and populated it with more sensory reality of the present moment, and less with past and future time-constructions. The slots used for the present moment are instantly available for cognitive uses when needed. Focusing more on the present moment will let the mind observe itself in action, further "upstream" than usual. Much of what the mind does comes about through chains of thoughts, assumptions built on assumptions, feelings built on feelings. This can happen lightning quick. Typically you only see the downstream result. Meditation takes you closer to the source, where you may adjust things in a way that leads to more harmony, more letting go, less running of unnecessary or stressful programs. :)
Let me know if you want specific recommendations for teaching sources.
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Meditation is just one avenue of seeking wisdom, which it sounds like is what you’re looking for. Basically the task of learning to find lasting contentment or at least a sort of understanding with life.
The reason people have told you to go to church is because that’s traditionally a place you seek wisdom with others. If you want to do it alone you’re in for a difficult path.
Well, I've never been one to take an easy path. What is it about seeking wisdom with others that makes it easier than seeking wisdom alone?
People are very bad at seeing their own weaknesses and flaws for one. Our brains aren’t designed for it. Hence your asking for advice here.
Two, there will be a lot you don’t know. Wisdom is difficult to pass down in a fully legible format, so you’ll likely be reading myths and stories and scriptures. Pieces which others have been working on understanding for thousands of years. Having a guide through those commentaries is crucial.
Finally, if you really open yourself up to fundamentally changing your view of yourself and the world (a necessary step) you can get to some weird places. People you can talk to help keep you sane and out of the deep end. They also help you learn to articulate your experiences in a socially acceptable way.
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Do you live near or in a major city? There are a lot of people out there, even if you have niche requirements. One of the best things you can do is very deliberately put yourself in spaces where the kind of people (in terms of interests, background, etc) you want are. Maybe that sounds very obvious but thinking about it like this helped me a lot. Good luck!
As for work, I don’t ‘need’ to work either but over time I’ve found I very much enjoy the social aspect of collaboratively working towards a collective goal. Teamwork feels natural, in other words. Would you never want to work a ‘real’ job, even for fun?
Thanks for your response. I think I will try to seek out a more niche community of people who might be aligned with my interests.
I have considered working a real job just to kill time but I'm not sure what I could do. I've been self employed ever since I graduated college other than just a bit of interning and freelance work so I don't think I'm very attractive to employers. I have a pretty strong dislike of authority figures (stems from the irritation I felt toward my ineffective parents growing up I believe) so working for someone I don't respect would be a huge issue for me but I do like the idea of doing some work to give my day to day life more variety and purpose.
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Your sentiment is certainly relatable. However, I don't have any advice for you which you have not already rejected in your post. It does make me think of this little poem:
“Meaningless! Meaningless!”
says the Teacher.
“Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless.”
What do people gain from all their labors
at which they toil under the sun?
Generations come and generations go,
but the earth remains forever.
The sun rises and the sun sets,
and hurries back to where it rises.
The wind blows to the south
and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
ever returning on its course.
All streams flow into the sea,
yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
there they return again.
All things are wearisome,
more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing.
What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.
Is there anything of which one can say,
“Look! This is something new”?
It was here already, long ago;
it was here before our time.
No one remembers the former generations,
and even those yet to come
will not be remembered
by those who follow them.
The poem comforts me somewhat in that I can sense my boredom and restlessness are as old as time.
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Start an ambitious project and work on it a little every day. Attempt to do something hard. Aim for mastery. Study a subject deeply, or seriously pursue a hobby, or create your own works of art/writing/code.
When I have my bases in life covered, I paradoxically feel unfulfilled. I need to feel like I'm making progress towards something to feel satisfied. Oddly I'm not sure the specifics of the goal matter, just the feeling of progress towards it. I guess it's why MMORPGs are so addictive.
Yesterday I almost replied to this comment and said that doing all that has gotten me where I am today, but I thought about it over night and even as I slept and realized you're totally right. The problem is that I feel like I'm not working toward anything valuable, and I'm not challenging myself enough. Yesterday I was tempted to fall back into my self destructive habits and I didn't know why but I realized it's because I'm not holding myself to a high enough standard and it was irritating to me. Now I just need to think of some new goals to strive toward.
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Nice, how? I identify with the rest of your post, and aspire to also this part, but do worry that I'd end up with (even more of) your complaints about life.
Basically, when I was growing up and into college, I was addicted to really tedious video games like Harvest Moon and Animal Crossing, and resource management simulation games. I would play them for hours and hours, making the most efficient and aesthetically pleasing farm or town or whatever that I could. When I was finishing college I thought I should just take all the time I waste in video games and apply that to business. So I just started selling things online and micromanaging everything about the businesses as if they were video games. Every dollar that came in would give me the same rush as doing something good in a game. Addiction also runs in my family so I basically just hacked that part of my brain to put it to work in a way that worked for me. It took a long time to get to where I am now and it's a very competitive field but now that I've built things up I can literally die tomorrow and keep making enough to live on for years to come. Anyone can do it but you've got to dedicate a lot of time with very little reward in the beginning for a huge reward down the road. I would never want to work a regular high stress job like everyone I know does at this point but it does lead to irritating situations where I've got a ton of free time and feel guilted by society to use it more wisely than I really need to.
Please explain in some more detail. You make it sound somewhat easy to become financially independent.
Yes, 2rafa is right. But I have a background in art/design so I mostly sell things I design myself. I don't want to dox myself or give away too many secrets so I want to be vague but at the same time I think most of the posters here could do the same thing I've done and succeed. It is relatively easy as long as you've got the time to put into it and are willing to work for very little reward in the beginning. Building my online businesses isn't too much different than building one in the real world but there's less moving parts physically with ecommerce so it's good for me as someone who would be sitting around on my computer anyway
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Presumably drop-shipping, eg. what most large Amazon or eBay sellers do.
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