The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
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Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.
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Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.
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Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).
Jump in the discussion.
No email address required.
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I was an incredibly sad and lonely child. Loneliness was one of the earliest emotions I can recall experiencing. I didn't have any friends during my time at school, and the peers I associated with constantly harassed and humiliated me. These tormentors held significant social power as they dictated the school's culture and determined what was considered cool or uncool. Growing up, I never had any enjoyable experiences because I didn't have friends to share them with. I felt like a prisoner, spending most of my time at home on the computer, browsing the internet. I believed that my loneliness was a result of my unworthiness of love. How else could I explain having zero friends? I firmly believed in the existence of a social hierarchy and saw myself at the bottom of it. Additionally, I never had a romantic partner as my tormentors did. I believed that I didn't deserve it either. I somehow learned that sex was a reward granted to those who reached the top of the social hierarchy, so I used it as a measure of my social worth. There was always an indescribable weakness in me, a lack of confidence that I seemed to have learned from online interactions.
After turning 16, I attempted various things to improve my social presence and break free from my isolated bubble. I engaged in public speaking and acted out as an adolescent. Even though I admired those who smoked or drank because they possessed the level of charisma I desired, I abstained from such activities. This desire to be around people I admired led me into many toxic friendships. I was an inexperienced person trying to fit in with individuals who excelled in various aspects of life. I wanted to associate myself with them, but they soon recognized my lack of experience, especially because I was also a studious person, and they would then torment me for it. All of these experiences gradually instilled a profound sense of shame within me about who I was. Moreover, I have always struggled with sexual frustration and was too afraid to approach women. I believed, and still do, that there is a significant gap in socialization between men and women. I viewed women as existing on a different level of social understanding, which is precisely why they served as the measure of my interpersonal success. I was terrified of their judgment, which I knew to be extremely harsh. I feared them and didn't think I was ready for their company or worthy of their love. I also lacked good friends and constantly faced casual disrespect from those I grew close to. Throughout my life, my friends were exclusively male.
I perpetually pursued a sense of perfection, yearning to be attractive, confident, articulate, funny, and charming. Currently, I am pursuing a master's degree in a decent college with a prestigious brand name in my country (which is its only commendable aspect). Since I arrived here, I received an overwhelming amount of attention from women, something I had never experienced before. Even men started appreciating me, and I suddenly found myself being invited to socialize with other people. Women were even flirting with me in various ways. However, as embarrassing as it is to admit, I faltered under the pressure. I withdrew and chose to live an isolated life. I became asocial.
It feels like I've focused solely on attracting women's attention, without considering how to genuinely connect with them. I've had chances to start relationships, but I managed to ruin them all. There was this one instance where a girl was really into me, but as soon as I reciprocated her interest, she lost interest in me. I realized that showing interest was the reason she stopped caring for me. But this is something I've never learned before. It's all new to me.
I've become somewhat of a showpiece, something to be admired only from a distance.
Around 80% of the reason why people enter into relationships is because they're fun. They're meant to be enjoyable. But I don't know how to present myself as fun. I struggle to have fun myself. I've always been sad, moody, and miserable. When I have the opportunity to talk to women, I end up rambling about my insecurities, anxieties, and fears. What comes naturally to others, like effortless conversations, is an extremely intentional process for me. My entire social life feels like a performance.
That's precisely why I'm here. I need genuine mentoring. I want to acquire the skills to present myself as confident, masculine, dominant, and physically appealing. I'm exhausted from living in fear and feeling trapped in mediocrity. I understand that the population of this subreddit tends to lean toward the nerdy side, but I'm the type of person who requires things to be clearly explained to me. I genuinely want to learn as much as I can from all of you.
Have you tried picking up a physical hobby with social ties? Something like boxing, group workouts, sports, or dance is usually good. An important and underrated part of social prowess is physicality, a comfort in your own skin and in how you move. It’s not something that can be faked.
These groups also help you learn to be happier, if you can manage to express your emotions or learn to enjoy the experience.
You might also want to look into spiritual or religious traditions, many of them are focused on how to “be happy” in a sense.
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