I was an incredibly sad and lonely child. Loneliness was one of the earliest emotions I can recall experiencing. I didn't have any friends during my time at school, and the peers I associated with constantly harassed and humiliated me. These tormentors held significant social power as they dictated the school's culture and determined what was considered cool or uncool. Growing up, I never had any enjoyable experiences because I didn't have friends to share them with. I felt like a prisoner, spending most of my time at home on the computer, browsing the internet. I believed that my loneliness was a result of my unworthiness of love. How else could I explain having zero friends? I firmly believed in the existence of a social hierarchy and saw myself at the bottom of it. Additionally, I never had a romantic partner as my tormentors did. I believed that I didn't deserve it either. I somehow learned that sex was a reward granted to those who reached the top of the social hierarchy, so I used it as a measure of my social worth. There was always an indescribable weakness in me, a lack of confidence that I seemed to have learned from online interactions.
After turning 16, I attempted various things to improve my social presence and break free from my isolated bubble. I engaged in public speaking and acted out as an adolescent. Even though I admired those who smoked or drank because they possessed the level of charisma I desired, I abstained from such activities. This desire to be around people I admired led me into many toxic friendships. I was an inexperienced person trying to fit in with individuals who excelled in various aspects of life. I wanted to associate myself with them, but they soon recognized my lack of experience, especially because I was also a studious person, and they would then torment me for it. All of these experiences gradually instilled a profound sense of shame within me about who I was. Moreover, I have always struggled with sexual frustration and was too afraid to approach women. I believed, and still do, that there is a significant gap in socialization between men and women. I viewed women as existing on a different level of social understanding, which is precisely why they served as the measure of my interpersonal success. I was terrified of their judgment, which I knew to be extremely harsh. I feared them and didn't think I was ready for their company or worthy of their love. I also lacked good friends and constantly faced casual disrespect from those I grew close to. Throughout my life, my friends were exclusively male.
I perpetually pursued a sense of perfection, yearning to be attractive, confident, articulate, funny, and charming. Currently, I am pursuing a master's degree in a decent college with a prestigious brand name in my country (which is its only commendable aspect). Since I arrived here, I received an overwhelming amount of attention from women, something I had never experienced before. Even men started appreciating me, and I suddenly found myself being invited to socialize with other people. Women were even flirting with me in various ways. However, as embarrassing as it is to admit, I faltered under the pressure. I withdrew and chose to live an isolated life. I became asocial.
It feels like I've focused solely on attracting women's attention, without considering how to genuinely connect with them. I've had chances to start relationships, but I managed to ruin them all. There was this one instance where a girl was really into me, but as soon as I reciprocated her interest, she lost interest in me. I realized that showing interest was the reason she stopped caring for me. But this is something I've never learned before. It's all new to me.
I've become somewhat of a showpiece, something to be admired only from a distance.
Around 80% of the reason why people enter into relationships is because they're fun. They're meant to be enjoyable. But I don't know how to present myself as fun. I struggle to have fun myself. I've always been sad, moody, and miserable. When I have the opportunity to talk to women, I end up rambling about my insecurities, anxieties, and fears. What comes naturally to others, like effortless conversations, is an extremely intentional process for me. My entire social life feels like a performance.
That's precisely why I'm here. I need genuine mentoring. I want to acquire the skills to present myself as confident, masculine, dominant, and physically appealing. I'm exhausted from living in fear and feeling trapped in mediocrity. I understand that the population of this subreddit tends to lean toward the nerdy side, but I'm the type of person who requires things to be clearly explained to me. I genuinely want to learn as much as I can from all of you.
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I was an incredibly sad and lonely child. Loneliness was one of the earliest emotions I can recall experiencing. I didn't have any friends during my time at school, and the peers I associated with constantly harassed and humiliated me. These tormentors held significant social power as they dictated the school's culture and determined what was considered cool or uncool. Growing up, I never had any enjoyable experiences because I didn't have friends to share them with. I felt like a prisoner, spending most of my time at home on the computer, browsing the internet. I believed that my loneliness was a result of my unworthiness of love. How else could I explain having zero friends? I firmly believed in the existence of a social hierarchy and saw myself at the bottom of it. Additionally, I never had a romantic partner as my tormentors did. I believed that I didn't deserve it either. I somehow learned that sex was a reward granted to those who reached the top of the social hierarchy, so I used it as a measure of my social worth. There was always an indescribable weakness in me, a lack of confidence that I seemed to have learned from online interactions.
After turning 16, I attempted various things to improve my social presence and break free from my isolated bubble. I engaged in public speaking and acted out as an adolescent. Even though I admired those who smoked or drank because they possessed the level of charisma I desired, I abstained from such activities. This desire to be around people I admired led me into many toxic friendships. I was an inexperienced person trying to fit in with individuals who excelled in various aspects of life. I wanted to associate myself with them, but they soon recognized my lack of experience, especially because I was also a studious person, and they would then torment me for it. All of these experiences gradually instilled a profound sense of shame within me about who I was. Moreover, I have always struggled with sexual frustration and was too afraid to approach women. I believed, and still do, that there is a significant gap in socialization between men and women. I viewed women as existing on a different level of social understanding, which is precisely why they served as the measure of my interpersonal success. I was terrified of their judgment, which I knew to be extremely harsh. I feared them and didn't think I was ready for their company or worthy of their love. I also lacked good friends and constantly faced casual disrespect from those I grew close to. Throughout my life, my friends were exclusively male.
I perpetually pursued a sense of perfection, yearning to be attractive, confident, articulate, funny, and charming. Currently, I am pursuing a master's degree in a decent college with a prestigious brand name in my country (which is its only commendable aspect). Since I arrived here, I received an overwhelming amount of attention from women, something I had never experienced before. Even men started appreciating me, and I suddenly found myself being invited to socialize with other people. Women were even flirting with me in various ways. However, as embarrassing as it is to admit, I faltered under the pressure. I withdrew and chose to live an isolated life. I became asocial.
It feels like I've focused solely on attracting women's attention, without considering how to genuinely connect with them. I've had chances to start relationships, but I managed to ruin them all. There was this one instance where a girl was really into me, but as soon as I reciprocated her interest, she lost interest in me. I realized that showing interest was the reason she stopped caring for me. But this is something I've never learned before. It's all new to me.
I've become somewhat of a showpiece, something to be admired only from a distance.
Around 80% of the reason why people enter into relationships is because they're fun. They're meant to be enjoyable. But I don't know how to present myself as fun. I struggle to have fun myself. I've always been sad, moody, and miserable. When I have the opportunity to talk to women, I end up rambling about my insecurities, anxieties, and fears. What comes naturally to others, like effortless conversations, is an extremely intentional process for me. My entire social life feels like a performance.
That's precisely why I'm here. I need genuine mentoring. I want to acquire the skills to present myself as confident, masculine, dominant, and physically appealing. I'm exhausted from living in fear and feeling trapped in mediocrity. I understand that the population of this subreddit tends to lean toward the nerdy side, but I'm the type of person who requires things to be clearly explained to me. I genuinely want to learn as much as I can from all of you.
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