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Notes -
Fade in on a picturesque suburban house - white picket fence with a large and beautifully kept front lawn and garden - hydrangea, tulips, lavender and roses all blooming simultaneously in defiance of nature - framing a big two storey brick house with light trim. Suddenly a few dozen Hispanic people appear running in from off screen towards the house. As they approach the fence, an explosion throws a cloud of dirt and grass into the air, a severed arm lands on and destroys the roses. Seconds later another, this time a head bowls over the tulips. Soon the explosions are all that can be heard, and in the bay window of our home's first floor we see an upper middle class brunette with immaculate makeup wearing an apron and gloves over a blouse and dress. She gazes in dismay at the chaos on her front lawn and shakes her head, before turning to the camera:
Housewife: There has to be a better way!
Announcer: Everybody knows you can maintain a defensive perimeter with liberally placed mines. But it's not a pleasant experience - there are convoluted laws to follow, large amounts of mess to clean up, and nothing ruins a dinner party like incessant explosions punctuated by the screams of the dying. But we have always put up with it, because it was the only way to really stop Hispanic people from occupying your land. Until now! Introducing the Spic Span!* Thanks to a breakthrough in technology we have managed to utilise quantum tunnelling to allow Hispanics to bypass your property entirely! Simply replace your fence with a Spic Span, and any time an unwanted visitor touches it they will be instantly transported to beautiful Canada! That's not all though - buy within the next half hour and we'll throw in a second Spic Span free of charge! Why are we offering such an insane bargain? Our CEO has lost his mind and has been sectioned under article 63 of the mental health act, so take advantage while you can! No rainchecks.
*Spic Span concept courtesy of Xander Crews
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