The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
-
Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
-
Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.
-
Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.
-
Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).
Jump in the discussion.
No email address required.
Notes -
I'm a nerdy guy looking to develop my action-taking side. Bookishness is nice and all, but the reserved temperament doesn't jive with my dreams to become an action-hero.
What actions did y'all take to become more risk-taking and less prone to analysis paralysis? Maybe something a bit more specific than "just take small risks and scale upward!" I'd venture a guess that certain hobbies and activities -- certain sports, handiwork, skilled trades -- develop the qualities of manly self-assurance more than others. Has anybody undertaken a similar path to self-improvement?
I started partner dancing. First ballroom, then swing. I’d recommend starting with some type of swing dance.
I also started doing yoga. A lot of action taking imo is just having better kinesthetic awareness or awareness of where your body is in different scenarios. The key is to practice it so much it becomes effortless or subconscious, you just sort of become graceful.
Most non-nerdy people don’t understand how crucial this is because it’s just kind of the default for them. I’d argue @udfgt is getting at something similar, but contrary to his testosterone fueled declarations physicality is what’s important to masculinity, not a capacity for violence or some outdated ability to provide basic sustenance needs 10,000 years after the invention of agriculture.
Trust me, you want to be wary of the type of man who will just tell you to lift and learn to shoot guns and chug beer and ride motorbikes. First off it’s a hollow definition of masculinity. (Although the focus on family and leadership, if there, is important.)
Second, if you start trying to move in those circles with no understanding of how to use your body, you’ll get hurt. Perhaps permanently. Too many gym bros are willing to just yell “PUSH!” when you’re struggling with the last rep of your set, even if they claim they’re all about safety outside of a workout.
This isn’t to say that all of ‘pop masculinity’ is bad, but speaking from personal experience you ought to be wary.
I think the wariness of pop-masculinity is warranted and cultural attempts to reclaim masculinity are often reactive. There are political reasons for that. The Left hates pretty much all traditional masculinity and so mocks it with reductive caricatures of anger, excess and bravado. The Right often responds, intentionally or not, by embracing this caricature of masculinity. Boomer-tier memes of guns n' trucks abound. That these things are considered "masculine" with no reference to craftsmanship, robust physical culture, or the higher virtues like honor and courage leaves the impression that men are chasing shadows of a once-unified ideal. I'm not naive enough to think that this was ever a settled image -- there were many of masculine archetypes through Western history. But these archetypes share traits. A few of them are a willingness to take physical risks, an emphasis on physical development, and an honor culture.
So of course testosterone matters in cultivating the physical and psychic qualities of manliness. It's no secret that testosterone levels in men have been declining and that our culture encourages this emasculation. That passive entertainments like video games and sportsball are indicators of modern male identity is a tell that our culture is degraded. They're abstractions of war and sport. The solution, best I can tell, is to meet the realities again. Lifting heavy objects is probably the most direct way to do that. I prefer bodyweight exercises to start with. It's possible to do many improving workouts with one's body in a small space. Plus, it helps to avoid the problem you identify with lifting too much with improper form. I think it's important to get a good foundation of balance and flexibility before lifting heavy stuff for those who aren't used to using their bodies for labor.
Swing dance seems like good fun. I'll look into it.
Yep sounds like we’re broadly in agreement. I’ve got nothing against lifting weights and agree it’s probably the best way to gain strength muscle etc. My problem is with the culture typically associated with lifting nowadays.
East and west coast swing are probably the most accessible styles. The coasts are just where the dance developed, geography doesn’t really matter for them.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
Me? I started hanging out with some gun guys, learned how to shoot, learned how to ruck and move inna woods, and generally started training with violence in mind. I think martial skills are important for men, and developing your martial prowess should be a priority. Not only is it good for your self respect, it reveals a lot about what you are capable of, and importantly what you aren't capable of yet.
Beyond just the larp, it gets you thinking about how you might train for resiliancy in other aspects of your life. Once you busted a boot out in the middle of nowhere and have to pack out for 10 miles with shitty gear, you realize how important preparedness is. Once you break out of the mindset that everything will be taken care of for you, you start to take on responsibilities. You start to think "maybe I should know how to use a turniquette" or "what would I do if my food supply were gone?" And then, through those evaluations, you start to take actions. You plant a garden. You learn trauma care. You lift so you can carry your wife out of a burning building. You become an asset rather than a liability.
And through the skills you gain, you start building. You inhabit the spirit of masculinity, and by inhabitating you become masculine. It's all about slow, methodical, appropriate steps taken to help you, your family, and your community build resiliancy. And, if nothing else, larping out in the woods is fun; don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
More options
Context Copy link
I'm naturally very disagreeable and aggressive and had the opposite problem of being "too reserved", my parents got called to pick me up from school for getting in trouble so many times that at one point they just gave up and told the teachers to deal with it.
However, I was exposed to a lot of people from the opposite side of the temperament spectrum in college and work because I pursued a very "nerdy" STEM field. Here's what I think the easily identifyable failure modes of "nerds" are.
Stop thinking you are a nerdy guy, seriously. Of course, there are clusters of people along certain dimensions which is why stereotypes exist. But those stereotypes are descriptions, not prescriptions.
If you are a heterodox thinker in any capacity, you will soon realize that is is extremely easy to find yourself outside of one of those clusters.
A lot of people get programmed by their surrounding cultural landscape into pretending to be things they are not. Ask yourself, are you really reserved? Or do you just think that's how others expect you to act and as a result, you act that way? Are you really a nerd? Or do you just wear glasses?
Try formulating a strong sense of identity along the lines of; {I believe in X} {I want Y} {I do Z} {My values are ABC}. Instead of I {I am a X}. It's a worthwhile exercise because it's extremely unlikely that you aren't pretending at least a little bit or your values/wants might not be yours but might be imported from elsewhere.
Once you have a strong grasp of who you actually are, it's much easier to be unapologetic about your beliefs, ideas and wants, because they rest on strong foundations.
Start lifting. Don't listen to the doubters or naysayers or "dadbod" propaganda, the benefits of having additional muscle mass are so lopsided in their favor, you would really need to go well out of your way to justify not lifting once you are aware of the upsides (This link is the tip of the iceberg).
Having some muscles not changes your mental state in the way you are aiming, it will also change how others act around you. Some people will naturally take a submissive role in their interactions with you if you are bigger than them and eliminate the need to be assertive/unreserved. (This might not work as well if you are short).
Wildcard. Maybe you are a pussified version of yourself because you have low Testosterone, or too much prolactin, or whatever. A large chunk of your mood and demeanor especially in the negative direction is neurochemically modulated. (Look into Andrew Hubermans work.)
More options
Context Copy link
Convince yourself that getting out of your comfort zone will improve yourself or your life, or give you the life you want to live instead of the one you feel stuck with. Be honest with yourself about what you really want and then work to fix what's holding you back.
For example a few years ago I was very obese and pretty depressed about it. I consistently ate between 4000 and 5000 calories a day without a second thought. I was able to return to a healthy weight through diet and exercise because I believed it would improve my life. Today, a few years later, I've kept the weight off because I know that going back to my ridiculous eating habits would ruin my life again.
Also, shaming and ridiculing yourself can be useful if you don't want to feel shameful and ridiculous. I told myself that binge eating is disgusting and not done by the type of person that I want to be, so I don't do it very often anymore. In your case, if you don't want to be bookish, and want to be more action-taking, tell yourself that bookishness isn't "nice and all" but is actually bad and lame and you should do what action-taking heroes do, since you want to be like them.
Sure, but I'm quite fine with reading and developing myself in that direction. I really do regard a liking for books as a strength. Many great men like Theodore Roosevelt have developed mind and body in tandem. The habit I'd like to "shame" is risk-averseness, so I don't think I substantially disagree with this response.
"Bookishness" is, I think, pathological exactly when reading becomes a habitual escape from the world. Think people who read self-help books but never apply any of the tips. It's easy to defer action in favor of more research; cowardice is easily disguised as prudence.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link