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naraburns  nihil supernum  1yr ago (text post)   2631 thread views

Wellness Wednesday for January 25, 2023

The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:

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I had a weird conversation with my boss's boss yesterday. It started with talking about a new project I might be involved in, but then went into her telling me that "people don't know how to read you" and "it's hard to tell when you're excited and passionate about something." She also kept repeating that I was very "even-keeled" and I make people feel relaxed. I guess those were supposed to be compliments.

Then she says that I need to come up with a plan for what I am going to do about this! Basically, I need to take some deliberate actions to let people know what I am thinking and feeling. I told her I would set up some check-ins with her where we can talk, but I'm really not sure what else I'm supposed to do. I asked what other people were doing that she felt was more effective, but she didn't have an answer to that.

It was so bizarre, because I am fine with getting feedback if there's an issue with my work, but this seemed to be about how my personality was causing a problem (I'm sorry, I was raised by Midwestern farmers - we're not expressive people). I ended up crying in front of her, which pissed me off. It just touched on some lifelong feelings about feeling a little out of step with people.

To tell the truth, I don't really get "passionate" about things at work. It's work - I enjoy it when I have interesting problems to work on, but I'm passionate about my family, about ideas, not about work stuff. I suppose that's why I appear "even-keeled" at work, because I don't deeply care about any of that crap so it's easy to let things slide off my back.

Was it in the form of trying to help you or help the team? I have had and currently have software engineer coworkers who's communication style is definitely hindering their career and it can genuinely sometimes be difficult to get across to them that producing quality code is not the only element of our jobs. The ability to have a good relationship with the business is frequently the difference between wasting weeks on a product they don't really want and delivering them the one time report they really wanted in a couple hours. I'm reading a lot from not a lot of details about this conversation but everyone else here is giving the "She's probably full of shit" advice so I'll counter balance it a bit with at least consider that she might have a point.

Yeah, I'm also inclined to give the benefit of the doubt and assume there's some "there" there. But the way she worded it to me makes it really hard to figure out what the real issue is.

Not to toot my own horn, but in the past I have always gotten feedback that I am great to work with. One difference might just be the shift to remote where you have to work really hard to make sure you're communicating, and perhaps she feels I am not putting in enough effort there.

It is a rather small consultancy and I'm client-facing, so I suppose there is some razzle-dazzle expected. I am trying very hard to move to a larger org where I can just do the work and not have to put on a show, as much as I like the variety that consultant work offers. But there seems to be a bias against agency folks in the market right now, so it's slow going.

My experience is if you're client facing, every role has both sales and customer service tacked on even if your actual position is something else so it could be something there.

It might be worth asking if she will confirm whether it is feedback from a client, if so that might at least tell you where the razzle dazzle needs to be directed.

Likewise trying to clarify if they mean over text (Teams/Slack or whatever) or by voice/facial expression might be helpful. Or if you have a colleague you trust you could try asking. Maybe only one that you hang out with at weekends so to speak.

I think your boss may be the weirdo here.

Yes, unless the boss has received some feedback or has practical concerns that they're being diplomatic about this just amounts to "I don't like your personality, change it", but more ominous due to the power differential.

The only advice I can think of is to ask around and see if there's any complaints about your demeanor or some way it could have had an impact on actual work in a way that could have gotten back to her. Hopefully there is some constructive feedback here and you're not just trapped beneath a weirdo.

I do well with older men and young(ish) women, most younger men do better with young men and older women

Why?

My experience roughly aligns with what 2rafa said. I'm a young man.

  • Young men - Easier to get along with on a personal level. I can swear, say things without sugarcoating, and bond over nonwork related things easier.

  • Older women - They tend to be more easy going and forgiving than older men. If you are lazy you are less likely to be shouted at, etc. So those willing to cut corners might like them.

Imo, I think women make bad mentors for young men because they often won't beat them into shape or confront them when necessary.

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