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Can someone who has worked in customer service please explain to me how to be less irritating to service workers? I am socially anxious and awkward and am repeatedly finding myself in situations where I feel like I'm making service workers uneasy and it makes me feel terrible. I have never worked a public facing job before so I don't know what to do or avoid doing to help make their jobs easier and I can tell that they get irritated with me when I do things that I have no idea are going to be irritating to them. It seems to be getting worse the older I am as well, when I was in my teens and 20s people were much more patient with me but now in my 30s I seem to be more intimidating to people and they're less forgiving toward me. Growing up I always admired my dad and grandfather for being able to talk to anyone and make them feel comfortable but this is a skill I never learned. Does anyone have advice on how to develop this skill?
Alternately, can someone give advice on how to stop ruminating about recent socially awkward situations? I can try to improve my behaviors but at the same time I can't change how other people perceive me so even if I did everything 100% right there would probably still be times where I was seen as irritating to people. I'd like to just forget these situations once they happen, if I can't stop them from happening altogether.
Having worked a number of customer facing roles in fast food/shops etc my take is that there are very few really bad customers, but when you've got 5 other tasks that need doing even a nice customer is an interruption (maybe I'm an oddity here, some people love spending 10 minutes chatting to customers) so just be clear about what you want so I can do it without having to think too hard. If it helps this also means that they're not really paying attention to you and the frustration they may be showing isn't primarily caused by you, so less reason to feel self-conscious.
I think there's another factor in that modern service work environments are less forgiving of this kind of thing these days. You still get the old man trying to talk about his day like he used to, but things on the worker's end are more fast paced than they used to be. I can still go to a family butchers and notice how the interactions with staff differ from those at the supermarket chain.
I haven't fully solved this problem myself but I find it helpful to remind myself that people are more concerned with themselves than they are of you. I recently saw a coworker give a nervous powerpoint presentation to the team, exactly the way I have done it, and it was clear how little anyone cared.
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I'm not sure I understand the problem correctly, but engaging somebody in customer service is not exactly a social thing. It's more a transactional thing. You need X. There's a person whose job (presumably) to provide X to everybody asking. You approach this person and ask them for X, they solicit some information if they need it, ask you for payment or other things, and then you get X. It should be quite transactional, not some complex social game. Unless it's haggling or something like that (I hate it so not sure I am qualified to give answers here). Of course, there's grease like saying "good morning" (or appropriate time of day) when starting the the conversation, and saying please and thank you, and being polite in general - but otherwise there's not much to it. Or at least it's how I see it? Maybe I don't understand something here, or maybe you're trying too hard? I mean, CS person shouldn't really get to know you and like you, you're not about to become best friends forever, you are just there to get whatever you need and they are there to do their job and get paid. Of course, there are corner cases, but that's the normal situation. I think thinking about it transactionally may help you to concentrate less on what could (or did) go wrong. Usually transactional approach to people is considered bad, and in social situation - like friendship or courtship - it's true, but in commercial setting, like customer service, etc. - I think it's ok.
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You sound like you're getting "don't be irritating" muddled up with "talk to anyone and make them feel comfortable" and given your ruminations it appears the result is something that achieves neither.
Know why you're there. It's not for chitchat. Your grandfather might have been amiable and personable but that's no good if he's occupying the staff with rambling stories, holding up the queue and never getting to the point. A basic "hello, how are you, I'm fine too thanks" are all you need before you get down to business, whether that's stating your problem, placing your order, paying your bill or packing your shopping. If you feel rude not chatting then keep any chitchat superficial and connected to your purpose, eg "thought I'd try making [recipe] for a change" or "hopefully this choice will [achieve task]", not "hey haven't seen you here in a couple of weeks, where did you disappear to?". Also don't wait until you're at the front to get your shit together. You're at the bank to pay a bill, did you bring the bill and the money? You're on the phone to cancel your card, did you collect your account details before calling? You're at the bar to order, do you know what you want? Leaving aside blatant troublemakers like drunks and thieves the annoying customers are the ones who manage to both act over-familiar or over-confident while also performing as if they've never done this transaction before.
In the special circumstances where I've had a need to be charming (like phoning a call centre to ask for an anticipated but entirely justified fee to be waived) I stay polite, organised/timely, non-demanding (I'll phrase it as requesting a rare favour, not as a demand I'll escalate to their manager or as a threat that they'll lose a customer) and gracious.
One small tip for charming workers is to let them be the expert. It's like the opposite of mansplaining. Ask for their input on a product/service. If you're not sure about something own up to it, it gives them the opportunity to demonstrate their own expertise and value.
All this might be different in USA where depending on the context you might have the unspoken threat/promise of tips altering the dynamic. I've never worked a tip job so I can't speak about that.
Edit: I think you've fallen into the binary thinking that if you fail to create a rapport the only other possible perception is that you were irritating. So you end up trying to force a rapport, which in turn serves to be awkward and counterproductive. The solution is to stop worrying about being special and memorable (whether good or bad) and accept being normal and unremarkable. TLDR reduce your ego to the appropriate scale.
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You are leading yourself astray here. It's annoying to be overly courteous. Just act normal. If you want something, ask for it directly instead of "oh sorry sir I hope you're not too busy, but can I trouble you blah blah blah".
Caring overly much about what other people think is bothersome and makes people like you less, not more.
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Honestly slow down - most of the time social awkwardness in my customer service job came from people rushing because of nerves or whatever and then interrupting the natural rhythm of a conversation.
If you slow down that will give you more time to think about your answers and conversations and you’re less likely to say stupid things.
Also “we” statements are helpful- “we have an issue here, what can we do to fix it” is much more pleasant than “you people fucked up you people gotta fix it because I’m a VIP etc”.
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I had this problem when I was a teenager, and then one day just decided to act as if every service worker liked me and was my friend. Previously, I had gone into these interactions assuming everybody didn't like me and acted accordingly, which just makes things awkward.
It's basically just a matter of playing pretend for a bit, until it becomes natural.
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This might not be the solution you are looking for.
But, I suggest you try not to care what service workers feel. Like, genuinely don't give a damn if you are the worst customer ever. Don't go out of your way to be a bad client, but don't go out of your way to be a good one either. The weight off your shoulders will partially help with the other problem.
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Yea, People complaining on the internet about various social situations has really done a number on various sanity waterlines.
Another example where the complainers muddied the landscape is on how should men approach women romantically. Reading certain venues, you would come off with the impression that as a man, you should never ever even think about talking to a woman because day in and out they are hit on by thousands of creeps everywhere they go to. You wouldn't want to be a "creep" would you?
Sensitive/conscious people like OP take this complaining to heart and overcorrect their mindset/actions. While the people who should, don't have two fucks to give, if they see the complaints at all, to begin with.
I hate to go all George Carlin here, but it really helps to keep in mind that not only is everything on the internet written by crazy people, half of them are dumber than the already plenty dumb average person.
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Why do you recommend I try not to care what service workers feel? Is that to help them feel better, because it puts less pressure on them, or is it to make me feel better so that I can stop ruminating on awkward situations? Or both?
I am a people pleaser and obsessed with how others feel and perceive me so this is really unintuitive to me and I don't know how to not care about how the person I'm interacting with is feeling or what that would even look like or how it would play out. I imagine they would get mad at me and then I would feel guilty that I didn't try my best to be a better customer.
Just don't occupy yourself with how they are feeling. Be polite, be direct in what you need, be considerate (i.e. don't demand things that aren't reasonably possible, or blame people for things that are clearly out of their control - e.g. store shelver is probably not to blame for the store being out of certain item) and be efficient, but don't think "do they like me? Do they hate me?" It doesn't mean to be an ass - if you're asking such questions, you aren't likely a natural ass (there are people who are, but it's not you), so just relax you anxiety and you likely be ok, and they will feel ok, without any special effort from your side. And even if not, the CS person would likely forget you in 15 minutes anyway.
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I understand why it's unintuitive, but I have to second the advice given the fact that you're a "people pleaser".
I have worked plenty in front-facing customer roles. Saccharine, submissive encounters from customers aren't more pleasant. I say this as someone who really was trying to an excellent service worker all the time. The only thing that pisses people off is being unreasonable, entitled, or dismissive.
Others suggested being slow. I wouldn't say this directly, but I'd say "Slow is smooth and smooth is fast". Speak clearly and have a plan.
Have your request or demand lined up. Know what you're ordering and how it works where you are. Don't ask what milks are available at starbucks, know. Don't point at a sandwich on the board at Subway, understand you're starting with a meat template and customizing it the whole way through. If it's your first time at a place, don't wait to look at the menu till you get to the front.
If you have questions, organize them in a logical order. If you have special requests, be sure to say them before someone types it into the POS (and make sure it's reasonable - people don't mind helping).
And this is just life advice - if a service worker is a dick, be a dick back. Take the rep on practicing standing up for yourself. There's no reason to be treated like shit by anyone. My friends have told me stories like being at a coffee shop where the barista refused to make them a Red Eye because it "wasn't respectful to the coffee" or some shit. Fuck that. People who demand tips or refuse reasonable requests are assholes and deserve to be challenged.
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Its entirely to take some load off your mind.
Think of it this way. Most service workers are not going out of their way to make you feel good. Some of them are, but most are just doing a job. They are not even thinking about your comfort at all. Likewise you should NOT return a favor that wasn't given to you.
One thing that helped me with social anxiety was having a balance sheet in my mind. If I knew the other person wasn't going out of their way to give me a good time, I don't need to do it either. Your default state now is to provide everyone with a pleasant experience, but that comes at a mental strain cost.
You must understand that a retail worker can only do so much for you. There is a cap. Unlike a friend, parent or lover, there isn't a potential infinite good a strange retail worker can do for you, and as such you would be tipping the scale far too much against yourself if you care too much about how they feel about you.
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People that irritate service workers:
Karens (not the ones from Myanmar)
dudes who try to play up their importance or competence (male Karens)
hobos
junkies
old ladies who are permanently spaced out
incels who try to hit on them at work
Are you one of them?
I suspect I come across as someone trying to play up my importance or competence sometimes, and have been trying to adjust my behavior to do that less for the past few months. It seems to be helping but there are still situations where I am doing all I can to not be/act condescending or arrogant and I'm still perceived that way and I just want to stop being perceived that way when I am trying my hardest to not irritate people
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