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Dear Mottizens who are adult children of divorce (Yes, ACOD that exists), Any words of advice on someone who will probably join your ranks soon?
It's not exactly a secret (to me) that a large portion of my happiness is contingent on my parents happiness. Unfortunately my mom and dad are like oil and water. They are both good people, but not for each other. And they will probably split up soon.
Situation obviously sucks for me to even think about because;
Parents will be lonely. That too as they get older. My younger brother left the country for college and that was difficult for them to deal with, I will leave the country for graduate school too in a year and that will be very difficult for them.
My mom can't financially support herself. I'm not in the position to financially support her in the short term.
My moms side of the family is scattered all over the world, and she didn't do quite a fantastic job of making that many lifelong friends. So, her loneliness will become a crippling issue.
Neither of them is in the best of health.
I won't be able to return to their country for a very long time.
List goes on.
I wish I could give a rats ass about my parents like many do, but for the good and the bad, I can't. My parents always tell me to not worry about them all that much and worry about myself. That is rational. I know that intellectually, but deep down within me I fail to see a life where I am happy where my parents are not. I wouldn't say I am a "mamas boy", just that my relationship with them is good, perhaps one of the few good things I have.
You go to tell them to fuck off and live your own life. It may seem mean but there is no other way. It's not your problem if they are lonely or have no money. They had their whole lives to figure that stuff out. Now it's time for your life.
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Realistically, do you think there is a plausible future whereby both of your parents are better off post-divorce? I assume they don't make this decision lightly at their age, so you'd hope they each have good reason to believe that they'll be happier single. In which case, perhaps you're wrong to write "a life where I am happy where my parents are not", because they would actually both be happier.
And if that's not the case, and you have the time and capability to help, maybe you could encourage them to date and find more compatible mates who can provide one another social, financial, and health support.
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I can relate to your desire to see your parents happy and how that affects your own happiness. My parents divorced when I was a child, so I have had a long time to get used to it.
My mother was in a number of relationships and remarried twice (the third marriage has stuck thankfully) but my father never got back out there and has been single for 25 years now. My dad seems happy enough being a bachelor. I just worry as he gets older and stops working he will be especially lonely. I am learning to release myself from a sense of responsibility for the core problem and focus on being in touch and supportive.
They will find ways to deal. If they split up they are doing so understanding how it will impact them. Don't put pressure on yourself to fix the situation. It will be a difficult time for them. Stay in touch and encourage family to do the same. They may also surprise you and be happier apart.
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The only thing I can recommend is to have a schedule for calling them and stick to it. Like, literally create recurring events in your calendar, "Zoom with Mom on Tuesdays, Fridays at 19:00, Zoom with Dad on Mondays, Wednesdays at 19:15". Don't worry that it will feel forced or artificial, they will both appreciate it.
I started doing this years ago, as simple as I call them every Saturday no set time but we stick to it. It's an easy thing to do, and they always appreciate it.
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