The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
-
Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
-
Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.
-
Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.
-
Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).
Jump in the discussion.
No email address required.
Notes -
This kind of thing is what stalled my leaving earlier. I really enjoy her personality, but there's a small voice inside that says I'd regret staying in this relationship for life. I feel bad and keep wondering if I'm making a mistake because I enjoy her personality so much. Like if I was in my 60's I'd stay, but not in my 40's. I'm basically making do with porn to get my needs met. She's kind of accepting of that even though we haven't discussed it.
I think this would be a more compelling argument if you were in your 20s, or mayyyybe your 30s. Unless she's super hideous, I have to think you could enjoy fucking her. It sounds like you've done it enough times that revealed preferences say you like it plenty.
If you're super hot and expect to do really well on the dating market, and enjoy the idea of starting over with a new person, then...my advice is still "you're old, the ship sailed, make the best of it." But I guess it'd be more reasonable in that circumstance to try again, at least.
More options
Context Copy link
If your only problem with her really is her body, then I'll go against the grain and suggest that you consider staying with her and practicing… limited monogamy or, well, monogamy as much of the world understands it.
This suggestion probably offends middle-class Anglo sensibilities, as they are really big on the whole "cheating is the absolute worst thing you can do to your partner" puritan morality (many people are saying that this and the fact that pretty much everyone on r/DeadBedrooms is from an Anglo country are somehow connected, but I guess We'll Just Never Know), as well as rationalist sensibilities that suggest always telling the Truth, circumstances be damned, but women with great personalities are in much shorter supply than those with great bodies, and you may indeed end up regretting your choice as you sift through Tinder trying to find someone tolerable, much less a woman whose personality you actually enjoy and can see yourself marrying. I think before you pull the trigger on the decision, it is important to at the very least honestly assess how likely you are, realistically, to find and attract someone who has both the looks and the personality, if that is something you value highly.
Chances are your partner will understand if you discretely get a side piece for your sexual needs (especially if she's from SEA, where it is largely tolerated, if not expected of married men), as long as you put your familial responsibilites first. Just don't do it in the retarded poly way, absolutely no one without severe autism and/or 5+ years of reading LW enjoys having their loved one announce "ok, honey, I'm gonna go bang a hot piece of ass that is 15 years your junior and has humongous tits, have a good night and see you tomorrow!", and arguably not even they do. She may even intuit that your weekly poker nights with the boys aren't necessarily about poker or spent with the boys – that's fine and in fact still very much preferable and less hurtful compared to just coming out and saying it.
Thanks for exploring this option. I probably won't go down this path, but its been niggling at the back of my mind and it deserves consideration. We did kind of discuss non-monogamy about a year ago and she subtly communicated she would tolerate the 'don't let me find out what you're doing and escorts only (eg no emotions)'.
I don't think I could do it because that's not the sort of marriage I want, even though its a pragmatic solution.
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link
More options
Context Copy link