The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
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Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.
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Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).
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I want to try dating again and am unsure of how to proceed. Looking for advice.
I am a gay man. Most salient information, I'm 32, white, average build and height, generally people seem to find me attractive enough
I live in a medium size town not close to any cities. I am currently on a two year visa in this country, New Zealand, not particularly attached to where I am (could easily move to a metro area).
I'm interested in a relationship but not in casual sex. I have very little sexual experience or relationship experience. I find this to be a problem because I end up being quite shy about sex.
Online dating is presumably the way, but do people still use Tinder (which is what I've used in the past). And the other question is whether I should try to push myself into having casual sex. I don't like it but I wonder if I need to get over my reluctance.
I'm straight, but my understanding is that the gay community in Australia/NZ revolves around the larger cities. In Australia this is Sydney and to a lesser extent Melbourne (particularly inner city). If you want access to a larger dating pool (particularly to find guys that want a relationship rather than casual sex) you might want to consider moving. I've heard from friends that Grindr is a bit of a casual dating cesspool, so you might want to try out Bumble or Hinge.
FYI gay public expressions of affection can lead to harassment in country towns in the region, but cities seem to be more tolerant. I'm probably not telling you anything you don't already know.
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I’m a straight male, but I have gay male friends/acquaintances. I feel like being direct and honest is a great communication style when I interact with gay male friends/acquaintances. I’m open-minded and non-judgmental, which seems to make people at ease about being authentic and honest around me.
I get the impression that gay men are much more upfront and direct about their intentions and desires when flirting/dating. This communication style avoids misunderstanding, and it signals maturity and self-confidence.
Other possibilities to consider besides online dating include:
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This discussion only partly overlaps, and @TracingWoodgrains’s real world experience is more relevant than mine, but it may still be worth reading.
I generally don’t recommend pushing yourself into casual sex you don’t want. Yes, you’ll get swamped with ‘dtf’ comments on most dating sites, and there’s a more emphasis on sex early in relations with online dating, but it is absolutely possible to focus on people looking for real relationships and get some genuine interest. You’ll have to handle some rejection, but so do the dtf-spammers.
In the US, I’d point to interest organizations (both explicitly gay, like various Pride orgs, or where there’s just a bunch of people who happen to be gay and out), but I don’t know enough about Kiwi culture to say whether norms are the same there.
Getting more comfortable about sex, both in terms of shyness and in terms of physical comfort, can be valuable. Most people will have some patience for shy folk, and some love the idea of bedding a blushing ‘virgin’, but there’s a lot of ways discomfort with or with talking about stuff can backfire, even with partners who want to take things slow. Nothing’s going to swap for the frisson with a partner, but if you’re used to never ever mentioning anything about your sexuality or interests, there are a lot of spheres where it’s ’normal enough’ that it’ll at least get past the feeling that mentioning top, switch, or bottom is going to have the earth open up under you.
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Straight male here but I've never once had a good experience trying to push myself into sex I didn't want, FWIW
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