fribble
7d ago
I could not sleep train. Listening to my baby cry was ... Impossible. She's grown now and fine, for what it's worth. If we were going to sleep train I would have had to leave the house to maintain my sanity. There was just something about my small creature crying that burrowed into my brain demanding immediate attention. I didn't react that way to toddler tantrums or little kid whining or teenager tempers. So, can you send your wife away or put her in a sound proof room? I would have agreed to that because my husband and I were capable of agreeing to a version of sleep training but we didn't have the ability to protect me from the sound. It didn't help that I nursed our daughter and a nursing baby Knows when her mother is around. Babies are cagey.
I wish you sleep, soon. It's crazy making.
fribble
21d ago
Anyone suggesting Marylanders become parts of other states underestimates how much Marylanders love the Maryland flag.
fribble
23d ago
Do you belong to any of the running groups? I used to work at a place on JHU's campus and several coworkers would get to work early to get in a morning run and a shower. By their accounts the running groups were good for running and the people were good people. What about bike party? Or meetups for running in the local parks? Every time I go hiking the mountain bikers and trail runners keep me on my toes.
My husband and I were introduced by a friend. Do your friends know you're looking? Her introduction gave him some credibility. FWIW if I had had a list of what I was looking for in a husband it would not have described him. But he was and is perfect for me.
This area is rolling in Catholics, and I don't know any who are doctrinaire. Drugs will be hit or miss. Seems you either get sure, drugs are great! Or stay away, I have to maintain my clearance.
I would think your biggest problem going to be that a good match for you is likely equally busy and likely avoiding serious commitments because in too many marriages with 2 ambitious people, the woman loses. Any hope of turning a grad school friendship into something?
fribble
25d ago
Yeah I would guess snap circuits are too basic for him. My daughter enjoyed them when she was little but she was soldering and building things out on bread boards by the time she was 7-8. (My husband really wanted her to love electronics, but they are a means to an end for her. Give her el wire and suggest blinging out her ukulele? Absolutely! Make a doorbell for her room? Nahhh.) Arduino (and more modern incarnations) can be great. And let him do both electronics and programming.
If you think he might like tabletop gaming 3d printers can be a nice way to get a custom set of miniatures. The son of a friend uses his 3d printer to make bits and pieces for his rc car.
And depending on what's available and whether he wants to deal with people, FIRST Lego league can be fun. My daughter did it with the girl scouts.
There are so many cool things accessible to kids these days, especially if their folks have some extra money (so blowing out some LEDs with poorly designed circuits isn't a big deal).
fribble
25d ago
I don't know how to motivate him or get him to build things more complex than Lego.
What's your goal for him wrt this? Does he share it?
But just taking this at face value. Have you tried an erector set? A 3d printer? Electronics? Model kits (cars, planes, boats, Gundam)? Combining all of the above...
fribble
1mo ago
"War is good business, invest your son."
That line was incredibly influential to teenaged me.
fribble
1mo ago
I understood that. But look at it this way - I posted that a week ago. You just responded so you're still here. That's a week you could have worked toward whatever. Next week, if you're not dead, would be another week. If you kill yourself, sure, the time you spent working towards your goals will be over. If you don't kill yourself, you may achieve some of what you want. If you're going to kill yourself anyway, what do you have to lose by filling your time meaningfully until you do?
fribble
1mo ago
I think your reaction is pretty normal. When my dad died my family focused on logistics of internment, and my primary task was sorting out where he was on the taxes and getting an estimated return filed (it was close to the regular filing due date). I got 3 work days bereavement and while I used them all, it was mostly because of travel to/from my folks house. I expect it'll be similar when my mom dies.
On the other hand, I think if my husband pre-deceased me, I would need more than 3 days to figure out how to manage. And if my daughter pre-deceased me I am not sure I would ever really be functional again. I wonder if my dad had died while I still lived in his home if I would have been less emotionally pragmatic than I was.
fribble
1mo ago
You can. But why not do something in the meantime? If you end up calling it quits, what have you lost by pursuing an interest in the meantime? If you don't call it quits, maybe you'll have achieved some of what you want in 1, 3, 5 years instead of just being 1, 3, 5 years older and still dissatisfied?
fribble
1mo ago
A little bit of everywhere. Mostly east coast and Midwest. One side of my family comes from the Ozarks which might explain this.
fribble
1mo ago
That was interesting reading, thank you. My husband pokes fun at me because my pronunciation of white is distinct from how I pronounce wight... Because I pronounce my wh's.
fribble
1mo ago
Physically, sure. Mentally? By my 3rd trimester I felt stunningly stupid and that persisted through my child's early years. My coworkers and managers swore I was fine, I continued getting raises and promotions, but I felt like I was fighting through mental quicksand. It was harder for me to come up with elegant solutions for novel problems. I felt my brain come back online once I started getting decent sleep again and my body wasn't building and sustaining another person. If I were less capable (or in a career for which I was less suited) pregnancy definitely could have knocked me out of my career or paused it. And then after pregnancy there's the whole baby thing. You can't just seal them in a barrel. Even Mark Twain suggested not doing that til they're 12.
fribble
1mo ago
The dissolution needs to be socially and economically destructive.
It used to be, for women. Good luck convincing women there's anything men will do to make it so for them.
Also divorce is only in the event of sexual immortality.
My grandmother divorced my grandfather because he was an irredeemable alcoholic who when he was home beat them. There may have been, and probably was, infidelity. But in the 50s she would have, and been expected to, look the other way.
As much as I love my husband, I would not have married him or had a child with him if the options available to me if he hurt our child were the options my grandmothers had. I would leave him in a heartbeat if he hurt our child, but likely be able to find a path through sexual immorality. He has expressed similar to me.
fribble
2mo ago
No one in my experience of raising my child let very young teens babysit. I babysat when I was young, but I am genx. I would have been considered a neglectful mother if I had ever allowed someone younger than college aged and infant/child CPR certified to watch my genz child. Several of her peers - a couple of whom are now in Ivy League schools - weren't allowed to cook anything on the stove in HS ... You think those parents would have allowed a 14 yr old to babysit a 2 yr old (with their child on either side)?
fribble
2mo ago
My daughter's in college, and based on the Facebook parent groups, having your daughter tracked with a phone app is completely reasonable, and not some bizarre invasion of privacy for an 18-22 yr old. I understand we've extended childhood, but if my 18-22 yr old can't navigate college without me knowing her location every single second, I've failed. When young adults, who should still be in their "nothing can harm me" phase, are so willing to surrender independence in the name of safety, it seems to signal something seriously wrong.
And back to the child thing. How does a 22 year old go from "my parents are tracking me on my phone" to "I'm ready to marry and be totally responsible for an infant" without it taking years?
fribble
2mo ago
I loved my husband. He loved me. We wanted to spend our lives together. Marriage provided a legal structure to that decision, and offered protections that living together wouldn't. We didn't even have the "do you want kids" conversation until we'd been married several years, and were fortunately on the same page when we got to it. OTOH, both of our siblings married specifically with child-bearing in mind.
IME, religious weddings seem to focus a lot more on the idea that marriage exists for kids. Health insurance, property inheritance, SS, medical care decisions, and specifically committing to building a life together with someone you love and respect were plenty of motivation for us.
fribble
2mo ago
It's not impossible. It is hard. I have one kid. I am a programmer, so work in male dominated environments. There was no work support for a lactating mother. Fortunately I was senior so had flexibility in schedule and an office. But I had to pump every 2 hours. I could do that because my job allowed for it. A litigator would have had a much harder time. I could bail on work for random sick or injured kid needs (spouse work wasn't as flexible). When we had a childcare problem, my 4 yr old spent a month at work with me, hanging out under my desk until I got it sorted. Doctors or lawyers would likely have had a harder time with that. These things are the sorts of things that kill a woman's career. I could struggle through with one. More than one? Unlikely. I could struggle through as a senior in a flexible career. Not a senior or in a less flexible career? Unlikely. If my spouse had had a less demanding career and was able to be more helpful it would have been easier, but in my experience women with excellent career options tend to be married to men with equivalent or better options.
fribble
2mo ago
But you have several children in an environment where you're bucking the trend. Maybe such a recognition would be more aimed at encouraging people like me (one and done) to have more? Wouldn't have worked. I know my limits. But I know folks who wavered on the second/third who might have been budged by messaging that doing so was "good" in some way. I wonder though if making access to fertility treatments cheaper/easier might not work more if you want more kids. While having kids younger would make some of that less necessary, at our current state of later marriages and child bearing, it has to play a significant role.
fribble
2mo ago
I had my kid about 10 years after I got married. I wouldn't say it's common to wait that long after marriage but if you add dating + marriage, several friends fall into a similar time frame. I am not blue tribe, some friends are, some aren't. It's not that weird to marry to commit to your spouse, especially for those of us who are secular. Children are a separate choice.
fribble
3mo ago
I live in a blue state in the US. My kid graduated from high school in 2021. There was still a ton of covid hysteria during that time and we were supposed to be thankful the school allowed an outdoor graduation ceremony. (No prom. No other activities. Just junior and senior year in her room. No surprise that southern colleges were popular among her cohort and remain so now. Or that her cohort might be even more distrustful of authority than their gen x parents.) Her classmates that went to North Eastern colleges spent their freshman year (21-22) still masking, some still with predominantly virtual schooling. This year, my employer still wanted people with covid to report it to their hotline, even if we were full time working from home. A lot of people are still giving every appearance of still worrying a great deal about covid.
fribble
3mo ago
I think hers was an extreme case. Every single sinus cavity she had was full of gunk and had been for years. And I think she was really sensitive to pain in her face. She also ended up with necrotic uvula (no big deal, the dead bit falls off, but it was additional pain).
Good pain meds would have been nice. But a humidifier and heat and ice packs and parents at her beck and call worked. The surgery worked wonders but I think it's definitely worth it to try other possible solutions first.
fribble
3mo ago
My kid had her sinuses drilled out this past summer. Her ENT is cautious, so prior to surgery he had her take targeted antibiotics based on the infection(s) in her head. He had her treat her allergies. He did steroid treatments. She cut out potential triggers (dairy, sugar, wheat). But after a few years of throwing things at it and the concrete junk in her sinuses not clearing out, surgery it was. It was out patient. She was in significant pain for a week and then was generally exhausted and spacey for another few weeks. But she can breathe now. She doesn't have constant pain in her face. She doesn't catch every bug that comes along. She can get sick without bleeding out of her eyes (cool party trick!)
I recommend seeing an ENT. You can probably find one who will jump straight to surgery, but it might be worth making sure none of the "easier" things will fix it. My kid was truly miserable for about a week and my husband was almost to the point of calling her doc and begging for pain meds beyond Motrin + Tylenol. OTOH months later she's glad she had the surgery and seems to have halfway forgotten how miserable she was while healing.
fribble
6mo ago
I wish it were wildly out of date.
Girls and women are very clearly told that what we wear makes us responsible for men's behavior towards us.
See the comment above: "Wearing clothing that draws attention to your sexual characteristics and then complaining when people give you sexual attention (eg, lewding, catcalling) is sexual harassment. On your end. You initiated it, you are responsible for it."
What's clothing that draws attention to our sexual characteristics? Anything that makes it clear we have breasts, legs, butt, any part of our anatomy a man might find arousing.
In my experience, you need to get your daughter to be ok with getting things wrong. It is uncomfortable to be wrong and it seems a lot of girls shy away from it more than boys do, but if you're going to keep going in STEM-y stuff you're going to be wrong. You're going to be confused. You're going to not get it when other people do. She needs to be ok with that and if possible even embrace it.
We celebrated our daughter trying and failing and trying again. And again. Music actually helped with that because she hit the limits of her natural talent at a younger age than she did with math. So we could remind her how she wasn't able to sight read a particular piece perfectly, how it required thoughtful, diligent practice. But then she got it, and yadda yadda. We may have done this a bit too much because she perversely seeks out things she really has to work at and almost neglects areas of natural talent, so maybe keep an eye on that.
Also, we found co-ed STEM activities were likely to be at a higher level than single sex ones (more participants? Less focused on achieving consensus? More competitive?) but our daughter had to be comfortable with failure and trash talk to enjoy them, especially at the middle and high school level. Keep an eye on girl focused activities though because they can be a great introduction or place to get comfortable.
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