mrvanillasky
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User ID: 3273
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
I never had access, girls here aren't pretty. I spoke to probably close to 500 girls when I was out in a month's time or something. I had girls mentally shut out guys who were way more jacked and better looking and richer than me, ones good with girls and the same guys come up to me and tell me that I'm fucking awesome. This is the kinda stuff 19 year old me only saw in movies.
I'm very fortunate in many ways. It's not just status, I never had access. The nervous guy who would text those mediocre looking girls nervously is gone now, completely.
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
Not unique people like you guys. I knew that back in high school too, I'm not judging them on it, I'm just somewhat happy that I got to do a whole bunch of stuff and in ways still preserve what I think is unique and natural to me instead.
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
Does anyone else feel weirded out by their past? I recently opened my older Instagram account and all the people that I was super close with at one point just drifted apart, I spoke with this girl who once told me how she wanted kids with adhd, her way of flirting with me and I lectured her for 20 minutes about why that is bad, she does not remember anything about me, hell my high school best friend who I would talk to for hours after we would get back home is now this software dev in the US who by the looks of it still sucks at dating.
All the guys I hung out with morphed into generic stereotypes in many ways, happy but just very bland. All the girls I wanted to talk to at the time just to feel good about myself dont seem that attractive anymore.
The worst experience was opening up my half a decade old accounts feed and scrolling through it super fast and getting a feeling of dissociation from it. Like are these photos even real, does anyone even care, why bother. I now remember why I nuked it in the first place. Also I am still sad but 19 year old me would not have seen 24 year old me as a failure, I have not done as much as I should have but still pretty nuts to see how different the world I frankly I was.
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
I have been taking time off to just feel like myself again, my co-founder asked me to do so since he could see my mental health worsening. Still, I am trying to read books, join a gym and see the physio. I might be making a mountain out of a molehill.
I appreciate the advice I got last week. My co-founder has been telling me to get concerta here and it takes too damn long. I met the psychiatrist second time today, she got me evaluated by the psychologist in her office, the psychologist also spoke with my parents and I have been called again in a week. I hate sending these sorta updates to my co-founder as it makes me look lazy and lethargic. I dont want to switch psychiatrists over and over again as that takes time plus most psychiatrists wanted nothing to do with ADHD stuff so sent me to this one.
My parents tried to cheer me up while I was coming back from the psychiatrists due to me being sad because of the delays, and I found that quite wholesome. My relationship with them is troubled, yet they are still my parents. 24-25 is too old to depend on your parents. I do hope that my co-founder's e-commerce gig helps me get a salary of some sort. That will be a good day when I get my first paycheck. He runs an e-commerce gig, too, so I can make money with him there.
I still feel like shit but life can be far far worse. I see people with genuinely life-altering issues in the psychiatrist's office. Good chance I have severe clinical depression too. I routinely see poor people with very bad cases of autism or down syndrome and whatnot. My mental issues have caused me problems, very real painful one though I can not imagine trading lives with the people who visit the psychiatrist's office. As long as I can get concerta and work I should be fine.
I saw some movies recently, the Oslo trilogy among them standing out. Oslo, 31 August, is a painful movie that I highly recommend; it hits way too close to home. I won't be watching any more movies for now, but I will start posting reviews of books I read and movies I watch on a substack under this name. Besides that I don't have much to add though by next week i do wish to implement some basic routine in my life like fixed bedtime, working out, reading instead of screens and meditating. As silly as it sounds, i will try to implement this stuff one at a time.
/u/Pasha made a very good point last week
I am very familiar with the backpacker/digital nomad paradise parts of 3rd world. They are often filled to the brim with 1st world losers/hustlers who are trying to do some sort of passport/living costs arbitrage (or worse). Most of these people fail but have a good time in the meanwhile. You should not try to imitate these people with your Indian passport and lack of backup funds. On the contrary, you have much better prospects as a young ambitious guy if you do the opposite move and move towards concentrations of economic activity instead of away from it.
This is spot on, most are not just losers financially but dating wise too, passport bros.
My main aim now is to get a source of income going (e commerce stuff) and get job ready. If I can help build a product from scratch that is deployed, i can increase my chances of landing remote jobs and then slowly work from there and still try to start my own startup. One step at a time.
Another person asked me why I post here. I post mostly because I have no one to talk to back home. Most people I know wanted different things in life, after a while it became harder for me to talk to them. People here cannot think beyond the small city, they cannot think of a world beyond India sure there are some really smart folks who have similar beliefs as me, they are not be found here since they left, like I would leave the moment I can. Posting here is a way for me to vent out stuff. I am not ready to give up on myself yet. I hope by next weeks update, I will get some meds.
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
You sound quite a bit like me. Post on the latest wellness Wednesday thread please, that way you will get more eyeballs.
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
Your stream of consciousness is coming off really badly. You keep obsessing about a couple of topics repeatedly. It really feels like you could use some chemical stabilization. Why are you conspiring so much with psychologists to get Ritalin? Isn't this stuff easily available in Thailand?
I am back home in India and my parents refuse to get me any medical help. I have to visit psychiatrists with them and they simply ask the psych to give me non med help as in their heads, these meds will kill me. Not making this stuff up, they are actively making my life worse.
I strongly believe you would benefit from putting your family out of your mind for some decent amount of time. It is very difficult to change your parents' culturally ingrained behavior modes towards you. Even with best parents, 24yo guy living at home will lead to conflict. So be a man about it and leave. Stop thinking about your brother or your grandpa or your parents' relationship or whatever. That is a ridiculous way to spend your mental energy. Fix your own life first.
Also why I am shifting post Diwali (November first week) out of my hometown so that I love alone in the same town as my co founder. Exit is the only solution when you have no voice
24 is not so young anymore but it is not a late age at all. Depending on your genetics and self care, you will likely not see too much body decay for the next 10-15 years or so. You should seriously stop obsessing so much about some bad decisions you made some years ago. Most people waste their teenage years in some way or another.
I dont trust myself anymore since if I can waste 14-24, what is stopping me form wasting 25-35. It sounds bad but I have to be honest with myself and act differently now in order to ensure I am doing things daily and not wasting my life away. I know many waste their teenage years but in my case, I have never done anything in my life besides be online.
it is very useful to observe possible gaps in an industry from inside
My main concern right now besides building our first MVP is getting skills where I can deploy things from scratch so that I can then be eligible for remote jobs. Many people I know work at American startups on the basis of having shipped in the past and I know enough people to the point where I have far better odds of having an offer simply because I can get referred. You are correct, having some money and skills that can give me a monthly income will help a lot. I am not doing the leetcode work a 9-5 in an office thing because the payoff is terrible. In India it means you work 9-5 for 6 days and get paid 2k USD a month living in Bangalore which is depressing in its own way as most never leave that place. I would ideally like to make my startup work and be employable on the side or due to making. Just having the skills alone would make me far less anxious.
I am very familiar with the backpacker/digital nomad paradise parts of 3rd world. They are often filled to the brim with 1st world losers/hustlers who are trying to do some sort of passport/living costs arbitrage (or worse). Most of these people fail but have a good time in the meanwhile. You should not try to imitate these people with your Indian passport and lack of backup funds. On the contrary, you have much better prospects as a young ambitious guy if you do the opposite move and move towards concentrations of economic activity instead of away from it.
Certainly, most people who are doing really well would not be found in SEA backpacking. Sure I met some interesting people but there is a ceiling to that too. San Francisco would have way more interesting people doing stuff I aim to do. SEA seemed like a weird place where Westerners came to save money. I met one guy who made decent money, he is 21 and was there on a short vacation. From what I gathered by hanging out with many, even the tourists who come here are not the most successful people.
I moved to Thailand temporarily because it is a much better quality of life than India. I am back now and will move to the second largest town in my state, my hometown being the largest or maybe out of the country again if we can smell some money. I mentioned Bali because in the meantime it offers a better quality of life for cheap but the distractions might not be worth it.
I have always avoided commenting on your posts because I don't like to give advice to people whose mental state I cannot categorize at some basic level. But I will chime in a bit
Nice username! I appreciate inputs, I cannot see life neutral observers can. Posting here has been the only redeeming thing I have ever done in terms of screen time usage.
Above all, good luck and remember that you are very very far away from the rock bottom.
Yeah, just have to keep swimming. Posting here should help if I only post stuff that I did in my past week instead of stuff I wished to do or whatever. I am not at rock bottom but i am far from where I want to be. Appreciate the inputs pal!
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
Lmao, I thought there were a few of them.
Movies -
I will watch the hustler, a movie about pool it seems today. I go for polo matches here since my city, the largest in Rajasthan has a polo season and we get invited for all the games. It's not super stimulating but at least I get to go out of my house there.
Books -
I did start a bunch of new books, 12 rules for life, Arabian nights, sex god method and the Tyler digest alongside the power of now. I'll probably read 12 rules for life and then maybe switch to Arabian nights. I want to remove social media from my life as phone usage and surfing of any kind makes my adhd worse.
Sports -
No good fights this weekend in mma but bivol fights beterbiev, I think beterbiev knocks bivol out if you put a gun to my head but otoh bivol is really slick, so if he can avoid getting pressured and getting into exchanges he should not, he has a very clear path to victory. Still physicality is a very real thing in sports.
Miscellaneous -
Besides that it's Navratri (9 nights dedicated to the divine mother) and the final day would be Dussehra (tomorrow), when Lord Ram slayed Ravan in his home and started his journey back to his hometown after his 14 year exile. His return is what we call Diwali. Ramayana is an amazing read, I have the goldman's translation, can't recommend it enough.
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
I feels like hell to me but maybe it's not as unique or intense of an experience. Regardless it's not that bad, I visited a psychiatrist today and every single patient here had worse issues than me, permanent ones that make life unlivable in ways. I'm very thankful, I can't imagine the pain many of these people and their parents go through.
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
This is true, yet I am only happy when I am progressing in life. Right now, being skillless and pennyless hurts me a lot, it wont make me super happy or grateful like meditation does but at least then I can not be sad and have something to work on. Obviously I need to feel better to even start working but I will feel way better, maybe not happier but at least I will not hate myself. I will feel like a grown up, feel like I am actually 24 instead of 14 in many ways.
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
I will try to move to the US soon if I can. Bali is great, ultimately i want to visit the US as a tech guy running his own thing since that is the Florence of tech startups of today, SF I mean but in the meantime, if I can visit bali, it would be fun. Really cute girls there too, partying, from around the world.
Thailand had so many sex pervs man, quite insane. I went there because pieter levels recommended chaing mai as its cheap, safe and very clean, amazing for a digital nomad. I miss that place though, so many memories, I feel like a grown up now in ways because I lived there, away from parents and in a different nation, first time leaving my country.
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
Sure but the removal of bad life decisions would at least make me not unhappy. I cannot be happy if my life is falling apart which it has. I am ambitious so not having the skills to match that is not a fun way to live.
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
I am worried that I will just end up being this way at 40 and that will be worse than death in all honesty. Another year of this and I am done.
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
I have lifestyle issues more than just depression where your brain fucks with you. If with a snap of my fingers, I got all the technical know how and a steday source of money, some progress on my startup stuff, I would instantly be happy so just ssris wont fix this. I will just start small for now, keep stacking things on my routine.
I was making progress in life when I had a routine so that is a good place to start. Will read Jordan Peterson and implement some stuff he recommends as a starting point to make sure I am taking some action in life. Cleaning your room, having a routine, tracking stuff you do daily, meditating, avoiding screens (surfing in particular), working out, getting enough rest etc should help me feel better in a weeks time.
Well, my ex roomate was the one carrying the finances and with him leaving thailand, I cannot go back so that is that. My other co founder and I will finally start working for real which is why I am shifting to another town here. Once I can have some semblance of money coming in, I would move out as soon as I can to some other location.
My main concerns in life are
- Skills, particularly technical ones
- Money, mostly a regular source I can get 3-5k USD out of without having to sell my soul or time
Now, my other co founder has an e commerce thing so I am hoping that I can get some money from that and then spend time working on my startup, get enough skills to be employable on my own and then try to shift to bail or some place. If my startup takes off then that is even better but this is the scenario I hope for. I am taking the month off and just reading because even my co founder realised that I was in stress.
I would love to go back but I cannot. I came back because I relaised that my roommate would not work as much as we should and was working on an idea that I did not even like or think would work out, what is even worse that since I was not the code guy, whenever things would go wrong, I would get blamed.
One big thing I loved there was that I could just do what I wanted to, I could visit nightclubs and talk to girls, something I genuinely really really like. It is the one thing I could act on since I could not work on something else living off of someone else's dime, I could not work out or do any combat sports since I had a partial tear in my right shoulder a few months ago. Sure I get chastised for it but I like meeting random girls, flirting with them and having a good time. I dont drink, I did do drugs for a few days in Pai where I was visiting for a week but no more.
You're a young guy, you have plenty of time to be miserable
I am not that young though, 24-25 is not young, I have 5 years before I hit 30, more than that neuroplasticity sets in and after an age you are not youthful anymore. I want to make the most of my youth, whatever remains of it. I will try to move to Bali once I get some money coming in, if all goes well, maybe the US. I can remember being 14 and instead of actually studying, I chose surfing the internet, a decision that I regret daily as it became a habit, like smoking, where whenever something bad would happen or if I needed to work on something, I would just take the easy way out. I can tell myself that maybe I am not meant to do anything computer related but that is a cope too since everything is kinda boring in the initial few days, you get good and things become fun, I never crossed that threshold so it is important I do so now.
I appreciate the advice and your intentions. I want to post weekly updates here and pray to god that I succeed with my startup stuff this time.
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
Appreciate the advice buddy. I hope for the same, I dont wanna die or get old without having done stuff I want to do.
I am not leaving this place, by leaving I meant my home. I have been sad ever since I can remember my life, I am super fun and outgoing when people see me yet that is not me most of the time. If you fuck up enough times, life gets too complex, to the point where you cannot solve it, I think I am nearly at that point.
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
Will do, I will read jordan Petersons books (12 rules for life and beyond order). Will certainly add this to my kindle and read it asap, I have time off and would just read stuff in it so that I can unwind. Babystepping this stuff daily should help.
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
It helps me think out loud and get some frustration out. I go through my life never telling anyone how I feel, anonymously I can be myself. My parents did try to pamper me but it is not a good environment to be in long term. I will leave in a months time.
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
I went by the name /u/practical_romantic and am making a new account since some of my old friends know of my previous username and that is not alright. People here know me because I posted life updates weekly but barely took any action, I did take some action finally in life but that was in terms of
My career has been in limbo for a years time now. I was a terrible college student, I went to a decent CS program but never studied a day. My teachers hated me and I did not study since most of my peers did not study. In hindsight this was incredibly stupid as I simply spent more time surfing the internet than actually doing anything.
Posting about this stuff is hard because even if I am not at fault (I am), I still have to fix stuff. I do not know programming at all, I mean I know a little but I am 24 and I am stuck in my home again for the coming month, none of this is good. My parents despite their best intentions actively hate me. They hate that I do not like watered down starvation food that they grew up on, the fact that I want to not hang out with other people here as they have no ambition outside of this small town in urban rajasthan or that I do not want to get a low paying job here as that is a one way ticket to hell. You end up working 80 hour week for some boss who wants you to churn out shitty javascript code and pay you less than 1k USD a month, what is even worse that the people who start out this way pretty much never make out of this.
My life changed for the worse last year when I accepted a co founder role at a startup. My co founder and I basically did no work till June, we got another co founder, I went with him to Thailand and came back a few days ago. My co founder wants me to hop on concerta but the psychiatrists here wont fucking recommend it stating that I will get bone marrow issues because of it.
I am just depressed, I have only felt pain and suffering since 14. Cram schools, my uni where my peers hated me for not wanting to become another leetcode junkie and now my startup where I am not even sure what is next. I was doing non tech stuff before but will at least get to code which is always good since at least then I can get remote jobs that can pay me well. Life is not that bad but I can do so much more, I would earlier tell myself that I am not smart enough but that is because the opposite being true is far more damming.
My house is still my biggest issue. My parents hate me actively. Every single day they keep asking me about where my paycheck is coming from, telling me to stay away from girls and how I am fortunate to live in the city that we live in. This is beyond delusional. My mother got into a fight with me because I did not want to do a masters. A masters in what, why, when, she had no clue but wants me to do it because others do it. My adhd gets the same treatment, "oh, you are just lazy, just focus harder". It is not that easy, if it were I would not have actively wrecked my life because I do not want to or like wrecking my life actively. I could have studied german and flown out for an undergrad there but my parents did not want me to leave their house.
Little backstory, my family is from the landed aristocracy here but since this is India, last place any sane person would want to live in, random people started firing court cases over all our property, leading to my family fighitn cases for the past 70 years. My house is an extremely sad place to be in. My brother has the same issues as me but is markedly stupid, far far lower IQ which makes things even worse as anything bad done by him is also my fault as I am not doing well in life. I move to a smaller town next month and have been prescribed time off by my co founder. I just want to post how I feel without risking anyone I know finding out about this. You cannot be weak in front of the world after all. I lost 12 kgs (28 lbs I guess) and weigh 145 lbs (66 kgs) at 6 foot now. My parents still scream at me for recommending that they eat more meat since indian diets were based around starvation so in their heads, meats are not exactly healthy even though I lost more weight than they could despite them being obese.
Anyway, it is a shitty situation. I am afraid to even post here as I do not wanna get scolded on the internet. My parents think of my adhd issues as some people would react to their kid coming out as a homosexual back in the 90s on some movie. I am lazy but now what. Do I not even try to medicate. Will your behavior help me out because they raised two kids who both have similar issues. Jordan Peterson would often speak about why you should leave your parents' house as there are spirits there. On the surface this sounds childish yet it is very true in my case. My grandad and dad took up academic jobs in this town just for court cases and the only way we can even smell any of what is left of the estate is if my startup somehow takes off. I flunked 11th grade and then 12th the next year and still somehow was on time for my uni due to some academic miracles, I did really well in my entrance tests nationwide, the cram school I went to tout me as an example of what one can do if they never stop trying. But until I did that, for 2 straight whole years I would get screamed at and get called a failure daily, multiple times a day by my parents.
My liviing situation sucks. I took my dad to the psychiatrist today for concerta since I was on it a little bit in Chiang Mai and he just refused to believe that it is a real issue and made sure that the doctor does not prescribe me anything. Now, I am well aware of how bad life is without parents, I should be grateful for what I have yet I just feel vitriol. So much in my life has gone wrong, i am 24 now, I have no time left, my parents actively hate and scold me daily despite me being 24. It is still ultimately my life, no matter how much of what happened may be someone else' fault, I just wanted to rant for once. I can never tell others how bad it is here. No matter how happy my family looks on the outside, on the inside it is hell living here. The worst is that most of this is my fault, had I been a better person, I probably could have kept my family together. No one is getting divorced but my situation is grim. My younger brother is basically 5 iq points from being someone who went to special school, I love him to death but I cant lie about how difficult life is going to be for him.
My ma did come to my room apologetically now to get me to talk to her but I just hate life, i really do. In ways I envy most people here. There is not much to do here, advice for the future btw, do not agree to non-tech roles at a startup. You do not learn fuckall and if there are delays in shipping code, you are the one who gets blamed for everything wrong in the organisation. i will see another psych soon to get concerta, I hope I can get it, I have not been on the med for a month now actually but have to get it so that my co founder does not get pissed at me.
True, time moves by very fast, if you take action, the changes can be quite staggering. It seems slow but in days, it adds up.
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