mrvanillasky
Future apocalypse survivor
User ID: 3273
mrvanillasky
27d ago
I had a terrible month and saw my therapist, I'll be back on track though I've been feeling a little off. My path to getting good at web Dev stuff and math (later ml) is quite long and no one I know irl ever does anything real or cares about it enough. I go out and everyone I meet tries their hardest to seem important.
I'm still doing better, my terrible days still end up with 2-3 hours of focused work, I only log zero if I'm sick and can't get up. Not having friends irl does seem a little wierd to me. I'm a hermit and I really enjoy the satisfaction from a good days work. I'm quite tired right now and it feels great, it means I didn't sit around waste another day of my youth.
India in general is a place where everyone's in a perpetual little league, I do not want to end up that way in the long run. Being isolated feels nice, I get the urge to interact with people and without fail I come back feeling worse about the world around me. People even look at me weird if I tell them that I'm doing math and don't wish to be another soydev.
Even within white collar circles, everyone simply only cares about one upping their colleagues. I've never had a job but I'd be depressed too if I pretended to work all day with toxic co workers. I am quite privileged that my parents allow me as a nearly 25 year old to stay with them and study stuff for better future outcomes but I do get a feeling that most people I know would never do it.
This update is pretty vague, I'm just losing my taste for a lot of things or rather care even less about them. Beyond you folks and some other e friends, everyone I know or meet does fuck all.
Beyond that I also had drama take up some of my mental space. My former oneitis messaged me out of the blue, stating that she met a former friend of mine whose name she didn't reveal. It happened at a party, where this person approached my former oneitis, told her to hat her that she was saying because of me, how I'm a total fucking loser, how I'd go around showing people photos of her and slut shaming her. Etc etc. It wrecked my day since I didn't actually do any of that.
Before I started the whole pickup artistry arc, I was a complete wuss, which is why despite being taller and better looking than average, I never managed to even kiss a girl. I'd tell people about my life quite candidly and even tell them about the girl in question since I was a total chode. My reward for being nice was being as a creepy wierdo.
Now my oneitis and whoever this rested was are irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, they're both strangers so whatever they think is immaterial and I'm not in Delhi but it did sting. I don't go around slut shaming girls but I will avoid talking to ones I'm not hooking up with from now on. That may take a few months but till then I'll try to meditate more to deal with isolation.
mrvanillasky
27d ago
Congrats on the quarterversary. Grappling is the only combat sport you can do for life and you should be totally fine as long as you can avoid knee, back and staph issues. My resting heart rate was in the 40s when I was doing mma regularly, I remember having to sit in my car for a bit before driving back home after a really hard session, far more intense than anything I've ever done.
Bjj culture is whack and most "cultures" are best avoided though you'd fine craig jones pretty funny. Especially his bjj ruined my life rant.
Rolling and getting subbed by a girl is a right of passage, you can sense that they are super weak yet you get caught by a rear naked choke you saw coming.
I would highly recommend direct neck training and a decent mouth guard. Having a stronger neck helps a lot beyond sub defence.
I really enjoyed the more humbling aspects of rolling too. Do you plan on doing some recreational striking after this. Judo is a great sub in a pinch in case you're out of town or move places.
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
True, I too was pissed of seeing a White african playing the role of a Slavic person. Imagine the horror!
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
will check out cc @Turniper
I wanted to read masters of doom since I wasted all my life knowing nothing, the story of a master craftsman and the proper use that tech felt really appealing. Video games seem dead now though compared to how they seemed 15 years ago. Not sure what changed. Game devs are some of the best craftsman you can find even today.
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
I recommend every book and movie in my reviews. I remember a lady who would post weekly reviews here, which is also why I intermittently leave them here too. I recommend all the things here very much.
- Book review - Masters of Doom
My second memorable FPS experience was Doom. 2007 or 8, I was in third grade, my school would organize a carnival on the large green pastures of its premises and all the stalls were run by students and teachers of a respective class (every grade had multiple sections, which I am referring to as a class here). My older cousin was in town, I won this cd with the title Doom 2 and we went back home and fired up the pirated game inside of a 700 mb cd. It fucked me up and I never went back to the game ever again after a few weeks but with some luck I also encountered wolfesntein 3d, previous flaghsip game by id software and got to experience the changes fps saw as a genre at an appropriate age where I could stil enjoy them
The book is about two Johns, Carmack, the ace craftsman who cares about solving problems more than he does about breathing and Romero, the ultimate gamer rockstar of the 90s, whose rags to riches stories oversaw him single-handedly play a part in shaping two genres. The book is extremely easy to read and it's just an account of how these two met, what they did together, their feud and ends with both being cordial with each other again. Carmack became too focused and judgemental to see how Romero was important, and Romero got too big of an ego to see how things were leaving him behind. Both Romero and Carmack express regret over what they did, both wish that they could stick together in various podcast appearances.
Carmack is a bonafide legend, and programmers hail him as a paragon of virtue for good reason. Here is a guy who would bang out code with full intensity till his brain shut down for 12 hours a day (not including bathroom breaks), bench 250, do judo and inhabit the focus one associates with a craftsman. Carmack not being distracted by porn playing in the background or with topless strippers delivering him pizza are impressive exmaples of how he was wierd. Romero on the other hand understood games. For all his criticisms, his work post quake was far better than Carmack in terms of impact as he fought his way to get Deus Ex released under his new banner.
I recommend the book to everyone, when I read, I hated Carmack a lot by the end but now that I have thought about it, I cannot blame either of them for much here. Also, it is quite funny that a lot of stuff there was personally relatable to me since I did spend a year at my own failed startup.
- Movie review - Kill
Kill is Indian John Wick in a train, and it does not offer anything earth-shattering. It is set in India, it has Indian actors, yet it is quite western in how it is set up. Closer to Punisher than John Wick, it is quite bleak, the love of the protagonist's life is killed off by halftime, and it is just him slaughtering people till there is no one breathing. Much like Doom, it is the criminals stuck inside a train with him rather than him stuck inside the train with a bunch of criminals. It does its action set pieces and worldbuilding fairly well for an action movie, and I recommend it since I want more people making movies that are good.
- Movie review - The Northman
Aryan as fuck, the movie screams the word Aryan so hard that it tingles my sacred thread. Eggers does a great job with the cinematography. Northman, like LOTR, is a capsule that leaves with a sense of pride for atavistic values. Values from times that will never come back. I personally liked it a lot, I was brought into Hinduism after my agnostic beliefs due to my interactions with Curwen Ares Rolinson of aryakasha.com whose blog covers his interpretations of the similarities between Aryan cultures. Ancestor worship, especially survives very strongly within my caste and in the specific area that I am in far more than most places on Earth.
Despite what I wrote, it is still not a rosy movie like LOTR. I watched it on NYE, not thinking I would like it as much. The movie is very Indo-European.
- Moview review - Babygirl
Halfway through the movie I was convinced that it was directed or written by a woman since no man who is not a pick-up artist can know the subtle details of female sexuality as much as this movie. Nicole Kidman is Milf of the week and gets erotically dicked down by her junior. As a recovering beta male who has spent way too much time on trying to get laid, the depictions of things up until the end were highly accurate. It is an erotic piece of film best enjoyed with a girl by your side. The ending is cucked ofc because a hypersexual chick directed it but it's still pretty good. The actors are extremely hot in the movie, Kidman, and they somehow make Banderas do well as a cuck. I could not recognise him in the movie since my image of him is that of a Spanish-speaking womanizer.
- Miscellaneous
Spring is gonna end in Jaipur soon as Holi marks the beginning of summer. It is a few days away and polo is gonna stop soon so I won't have my weekly interaction with the outside world on Sundays anymore. Beyond that, I am reading the now habit as suggested by a mottizen here. Have a great weekend!
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
Appreciate it pal, the more I work, the less I care about everything else, it's very humbling seeing how little I know, how far I have to go.
Long update - tl;dr worked during terrible conditions, had a spiritual experience, developed some self respect.
Happy Mahashivratri to everyone! Shivaratri translates to the night of Shiva and celebrates his birth, I have recently begun to be influenced by Kashmir Shaivism and would meditate to celebrate the festival, it's not a real big festival like Diwali or Holi but people still offer prayers and fast.
I have two updates, the first is easier to understand as it's about work, the second relates to spiritual progress which is linked to Kashmir Shaivism.
Last weekend my family and I embarked on a journey to Mahakumb, a holy site where people celebrate the particular festival once in 12 years, it was a massive affair in India and I'll not sour everyone's Wednesday by whining about it, instead I'd like to post something I never thought I'd be abl to to do. My last month has been terrible productivity wise, past week being the literal worst, due to eye strains despite my 6/6 eyes, I got barely anything done and was worried that I'd get kicked out of diamond league on Mathacademy. We left on Saturday evening and I banged out 3 hours worth of math in 7-8 hours in a train where my family had to share the berth with me since due to constraints on expensive tickets we only got two berhs instead of 4. The other two was with another family of two, I studied for the entire duration under a pinhole light sitting without any back support inside of a small berth with constant chatter.
On the flight back, I did the same on the airport, instead of waiting around and scrolling, I decided to do math and ended up finishing my quota of 3 hours before we landed back home, even did 30 minutes on the drive back.
I have never done anything like this before, boomers here tell stories about how they studied under a street lamp on a public railway station to highlight their struggles and I was always the opposite. Fory entire life I was always the guy who looked for excuses, my aim was to live an easy life, get validated and quit as soon as things got difficult, instead this time I actually worked. Not so that my co working partners would appreciate me or because I want this forum or others arounde to think better of me but because I am a different person now. I do all that I do for my own self, I am genuinely happy when I successfully do a good days worth of work.
My posting here has reduced and that's because I can't bring myself to post updates at times since I feel that it may be kinda perverted or validation seeking to post small achievements. Though if there's anyone who's posted about his life as publicly it's me and if I can truly change from a guy who's default is to lie to himself and waste away his life to someone who genuinely acts.
My second update is one that I shared with @TowardsPanna and it's about my first spiritual experience. On 14th February I achieved what one calls Shaktipat (edit - used an incorrect word here). It's the first experience you have which marks the beginning of your spiritual journey. I woke up, worked out,meditated and when I opened my eyes after my sit, I sensory overload, a level of clarity I have never felt before. It's beyond words, you read these accounts of people who meditate and it all seems figurative, hyperbolic.
It's not, it's all real, the accounts are being literal, I've experienced some things including drugs and nothing comes close. It's not due to the euphoria, the clarity I felt was startling. I put on some drum and bass and every note was crisp for all the instruments.
So yeah, after 5 years of posting, I finally felt some tangible changes in my life, experiences that I worked for and got via sustained efforts and life feels different. I no longer care about what people think, when I have a good day I'm tired, I sleep well and look forward to repeating it the next day. I'm not as consistent as I want to be but I'm getting better and if I don't post a lot of updates, then it may mean that I'm doing well. My view of myself is quite low, working and getting better at something helps me respect myself, just a little bit.
A big reason behind all of this is this forum, I finally have a real update worth sharing and I feel a sense of joy doing so on the day of Mahashivratri. It's a long long journey, I really want to finish two more math courses, work on foundational ml models, continue my Web dev slogging as a backup plan, meditate, workout so that I can finally have some modicum of aesthetic physicality. Life is still terrible, my parents curse me every single time I chat with them but I don't reset them now and they don't resent me as much either as they see me working.
I read masters of doom before I hopped on the train and John Carmacks defining trait seemed to be his focus. They'd bring topless hookers to deliver pizza and blast porn, yet he'd be the only one working, it's quite admirable. I want to write a review of it, maybe another thread.
Life's really short, I don't want to judge people who do the minimum or are happy being in the little leagues, my aim for myself is to be as good as I can. All the things my mom or elders told me about not caring about others and distractions if you're focused enough came true. I'm satisfied, somewhat and want others here to know. It's an auspicious day for the update.
Hari Om.
They have an unreal tournament episode too which I wish to watch as the game got axed from its pre alpha. Unreal Tournament 2003(?) was the first arena shooter I played, 6 year old me was amazed by it, I need to play unreal tournament 3 now that I think of it.
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
Congrats man, second marriage I've seen here, how'd you meet your wife, does she know about this place, do tell us what you can.
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
I will be visting a city named prayag for this religious festival that happens once every 12 years (or 144 years but they say that every 12 years) called mahakumbh and I am already regretting all of it given the terrible hygiene, crowd and pajeet aura coming from that place, on one hand I am a Hindu, on the other hand, it does seem kinda odd given people pump sewage in the ganges in most cities inside of India. It has had millions of visitors, literally mllions and that scares me.
Have you guys had any vacations or visits to subpar third tier places that you went through with despite knowing early on that you are gonna regret it regardless?
P.S. I will tale a dip in the middle of the river via a boat but I am not too excited about it, sinking money in the tickets was stupid lol
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
I am not sure how good they are given the regulations around them. My family did get some bottles of non-alcoholic sparkling wine, not sure if I can suggest that in good faith to someone pregnant, for everyone else, it's fucking fantastic.
I wish you guys luck with the pregnancy!
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
For something like getting assessed for ADHD, it can take >2 years for an appointment, unless you go private
ADHD is not autism, it is still in some edge cases enough to fuck your life up, it fucked mine up and seeing a psychiatrist helped me set it right. 2 years is insane, I get mine the day of and pay 2 pounds.
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
Good work man, most people can't do pull ups. A guy on YouTube I was recommended here was K boges and had I simply stuck to his daily pull ups, push ups/dips and squat format, I'd look like a greek statue by 2 years tops. K boges is a guy you may find helpful. He recommends adding single leg split squats and some smaller muscle work but mostly just stuff you're doing.
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
I was gonna tag you in the thread. It's nuts, I have a severe case of strep or throat infection of whatever any time I get a cold, so I never eat anything cold, avoid liquor, even then, I catch one any time I'm in a new city, how is the drug procurement in the UK compared to India for over the counter drugs.
A second gen brown dude there told me once that wait times were close to a year for psychiatrists in the UK. Kinda hard to believe but won't be surprised at all.
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
How's American insurance complex so fucked up. India isn't good but you can get antibiotics after paying a decent enough doctor 4 dollars for your same day consultation.
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
Jamming to kanye since graduation is a good album and his twitter antics are a once in a lifetime weird bizarre internet meltdown. Jokes aside, it is spring here in Jaipur, the weather is warming up, polo season is gonna end soon, spring is awesome.
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
Cohabitation is a mistake no one should make, you did well for recognizing the problem and should go and meet other girls, the problem is now that if you have any residual feelings, she'll hurt you by bringing guys over and if you bring girls over, she'll want you back. Move out when you can and never, ever, even hint at being into her. Don't get physical, don't try to talk about the past with her.
Although being too aloof works quite on girls if you're not doing it as a front. I've never had a girlfriend, it's always sad to lose a connection, keep posting, don't dwell on the past and find new girls. You did well, staying with her when your heart isn't in it would have been way worse.
mrvanillasky
1mo ago
General updates, productivity and maybe growing up
People here kinda knew me as a guy who would write paragraphs every week and get nothing done, I am not that guy anymore. I still have issues, I cannot perceive time like normal people, I can focus fairly well, and I have an elaborate alarm system where my phone and computer buzz every single hour reminding me of what to do. I cringe when I look back at who I was or how I was, and how much time I wasted which is why I try to never think of the past. There is nothing good there for me.
I hit diamond in Math Academy, their highest tier was emerald and that was 4 percent, this is 1 percent, they started it this week. Sunday is my off day, I watch polo with my dad on those days. I was about to not make it to diamond and cranked out about 3-4 hours of math to not miss getting promoted. Earlier, I would have simply not cared, not been competitive and found ways to justify inaction. Instead, I sat down and did it. This is not a feat, my baseline was just non-existent.
I still have trouble sleeping on time, I still have terrible adhd and all the bad habits and sub-habits I got from it but I have agency to make a difference. I was able to go beyond 40 hours of work in a week for the first time in my life. My friends think I am doing a good job, my dysfunctional family unanimously goes out of its way to be nice to me given they see me working. Perhaps I can respect myself now, a little bit at least for actually doing something, doing something hard.
I was unable to meet my goals for this week because some stuff happened, though I still get better each day. Besides myself, my family, and friends, I hope that my updates give you some positivity too. There is progress in my life, non-trivial and in the correct direction. There is a lot of ground to be covered from here, I have to do a lot lot more programming-wise, get to at least stats on math academy, gain 20lbs, and meditate more. As long as I do my best, it will happen.
On a side note, I have completely cut contact with my ex-co-founder, my opinion of him is really low at this point, I hate logging on twitter, checking reddit or anything internet. Themotte is different, though I apologise if I don't participate much, I just have been a little busy. Life is better this way, I logged out and went back on twitter after a week and it all felt the same.
RSD Tyler's book The Blueprint opened with this line "Do you ever feel like you could change?" most people never do, but quite a few have and can. The satisfaction I get from working till my head hurts and seeing tangible progress in how much more focused I am from all the meditation, the code I have written, and topics in math. I was told by this user named standard_order here to chase sun and steel, in his words, satisfaction from real life, all of it sounds cliched, but it feels great. I don't look back at any point in the past with fondness, which is what my default was, I guess I am finally growing up.
mrvanillasky
2mo ago
Past decade - MDE world peace
mrvanillasky
2mo ago
Appreciate it man. Following the advice my mom gave helped, I ofc got it reinforced and then forced down my throat via my counselor, who sits in the psychairtrists clinic. Sleeping on time, being mindful during all waking moments, especially when I meditate, when I work, having alarms in my laptop that are synced with my pc, having co-working meetings with my much more talented and extremely serious friends where my screen and face are visible at all times.
Simple advice works it seems.
mrvanillasky
2mo ago
Sunk cost + neediness, in ops case sunk cost + proximity. Always default to "good" pua wisdom, not roosh but more like yareally, rsd. I was known as the oneitis guy here back in the day. It's a terrible situation if you are in it, the only way out is fixing your internal issues and having better cuter girls around.
Julien postulated that having a girl around adds meaning to your drab life, it is a way the brain can make existence meaningful. Kids get it for girls they have never spoken to.
mrvanillasky
2mo ago
Good work! you are doing well, I hope you find a good wide soon. Great update regardless, take care.
mrvanillasky
2mo ago
General updates -
I can now work for 9 hours without any noticeable fatigue and more than that my daily routine is more fine-tuned. On a good day, I wake up early, hit the gym, meditate, do math for 3 hours, code 4 hours, rehab my shoulder, meditate again and then write some more code. My only issue so far has been discipline at times of sleeping and family problems.
Some personal woes
The bad parts - My family has had a ton of these fake court cases and the one on our house will get a decision this feb on the 28th from the high court. We should win but I am simply only assuming that the worst will happen, we will lose the ancestral home we were born in to far-flung unknown illegitimate relatives since I do not trust the courts, I do not trust India, the people, or the institutions. On top of that, my dad booked tickets for us for mahakumbh which is an event in Prayagraj. It attracted 100 million visitors alone as this is supposed to be something that happens once in 144 years. Well, the most auspicious day was mauni amavasya which happened two days and people got killed in a stampede.
My grandad threw a fit on this and that wrecked my entire day work-wise. He believes that we all will die or at least one of us will and his house will go to his "enemies". I cannot share any of this publicly or even with friends, not after my startup larp where my ex co-founder burned all my social capital after doxxing my friends for no reason. How do I cope in case something actually bad happens, I do not want it to but I want to be prepared at the very least. My family has been embroiled in legal battles since the 50s, they spend most of what they earn on legal fee. We had a miserable time and it did play a part in my family being dysfunctional.
As I started my sabbatical and after going to thailand, I feel more adult and I cant help but feel I am responsible for both these things. Maybe I should not have asked my dad to consider mahakumbh. He was planning to buy himself a new laptop but spent that money on flight tickets, he told my ma in passing that he did it because I would have gone there had I been earning, hearing that breaks my heart. We visit on the 23rd, the flights are non refundable but we may cancel if things get worse, they should not but just in case.
Something wholesome to end my update
I got dms from a friend after he saw my name at the top of the list in Math Academy in a tweet the guy running it put out I joked about this being the first time since 2019 I got used for educational adverstiign materials lol. Those who have been reading my updates can probably spot it. I am back to lifting similar weights that I stopped at when I hurt my shoulder, I can meditate longer. Beyond that the meds, a routine, deliberate effort make studying things easier, more productive. By next I want to sustain a higher output and link projects from my github, hopefully have the court cases go well too. I did not want to mention it, no one likes reading sad things. Being somewhat better, progressing helps me to respect myself, not a lot but more than I did before. I never thought I would and that is quite uplifting, maybe things do get better.
mrvanillasky
2mo ago
This was my favorite comment lol. Oneitis, not even once!
If for some reason you fear you’ll later feel some FOMO or one-itis, keep in mind you can at any moment book a flight to her home SEA country and date and bang chicks a decade or two younger than her, after which you’d hardly feel she were so unique, special, or essential anymore
Yeah lol, SEA is the easiest place in the world to get laid if you are a white or off white. I had married women come up randomly, grind against me in raves whilst their husbands watched and no these were not sex workers. I never slept with one since I do not like asian girls but the stereotypes are true.
So fertility issues, a dead bedroom, loss of attraction, that is three strikes that are dealbreakers.
Try jal neti and tape your mouth after a few weeks of doing it twice a day. It's the only ayurvedic thing that works really well and helped me go from being hooked on antibiotics anytime I got a mild cold to not getting sick as frequently.
Ent visit may help but go give jal neti a shot. I shill it because I could never eat or drink cold things since I'd always end up getting sick, it's better now due to my adherence to nasal irrigation.
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