Throwaway. Disjointed thoughts. Not really sure why I'm posting this here. Dont' really want "advice" as such, just venting mostly. Maybe don't read this.
Trying to deal with a longstanding family divorce-but-not-quite situation. It feels worse for two people who actively hate each other to be staying under the same roof. Problems are cyclical: a temporary reprieve of icy silence for a few months, followed by an intense two-week conflict. (Yes, maybe I should just forget my parents and do my own thing. A sense of obligation nevertheless remains.)
Trying also to figure out what my life looks like, overall. I'm in my early 20's, so I likely have 50 or so years of useful-ish life left to me; but I am disabled (which erodes any sense of agency I attempt to possess) and, in general, I simply do not have anything I dream for. It feels like some sort of learned helplessness: my wanting-machinery has internalized something which I don't know how to put into words, and that has made me just not want any thing at all with particular intensity overall. I have enough skills/intelligence/opportunity to be able to earn well and prosper; but to what end? I don't know.
I also seem to have a high sex drive, which (coupled with the disability and the selfloathing) is a big problem. Disability in particular is a huge epistemic distortion-it's always there, like an invisible monster, questioning if people are expressing what exactly they feel about you, questioning if the positive feedback you get is authentic. anyway, high sex drive coupled with bad at being human is not great. Porn can only get you so far, and I personally dislike it for many reasons (least of which being the fact that it seems to act as a crutch for other mental problems-3 hours of trance, just repeat that...).
I can probably take steps to try fixing these problems. Sleep, food, exercise, talk to a psychologist, find futures which feel reasonable given my circumstances, all of that. But as I put it to a friend earlier-all of that needs some sort of underlying source of will, which I feel like I have run dry of. I don't know how to fix that. I don't know if I can, or if I want to.
All I know is that I am tired and I want to not have existed. (No, not suicidal-but if there were a magic button which could make it so that I had not been born, I'd very likely press it.)
p
Throwaway. Disjointed thoughts. Not really sure why I'm posting this here. Dont' really want "advice" as such, just venting mostly. Maybe don't read this.
Trying to deal with a longstanding family divorce-but-not-quite situation. It feels worse for two people who actively hate each other to be staying under the same roof. Problems are cyclical: a temporary reprieve of icy silence for a few months, followed by an intense two-week conflict. (Yes, maybe I should just forget my parents and do my own thing. A sense of obligation nevertheless remains.)
Trying also to figure out what my life looks like, overall. I'm in my early 20's, so I likely have 50 or so years of useful-ish life left to me; but I am disabled (which erodes any sense of agency I attempt to possess) and, in general, I simply do not have anything I dream for. It feels like some sort of learned helplessness: my wanting-machinery has internalized something which I don't know how to put into words, and that has made me just not want any thing at all with particular intensity overall. I have enough skills/intelligence/opportunity to be able to earn well and prosper; but to what end? I don't know.
I also seem to have a high sex drive, which (coupled with the disability and the selfloathing) is a big problem. Disability in particular is a huge epistemic distortion-it's always there, like an invisible monster, questioning if people are expressing what exactly they feel about you, questioning if the positive feedback you get is authentic. anyway, high sex drive coupled with bad at being human is not great. Porn can only get you so far, and I personally dislike it for many reasons (least of which being the fact that it seems to act as a crutch for other mental problems-3 hours of trance, just repeat that...).
I can probably take steps to try fixing these problems. Sleep, food, exercise, talk to a psychologist, find futures which feel reasonable given my circumstances, all of that. But as I put it to a friend earlier-all of that needs some sort of underlying source of will, which I feel like I have run dry of. I don't know how to fix that. I don't know if I can, or if I want to.
All I know is that I am tired and I want to not have existed. (No, not suicidal-but if there were a magic button which could make it so that I had not been born, I'd very likely press it.)
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